A Survivors Story

00:02 Okay, so I am Vivian Guzman and I'm going to have a conversation with you just about your relationship, your past relationship that was a domestic violent relationship. If you could just please state your name and give me your consent for recording you.

00:19 My name is Vivian Guzman and I give you full permission to record the whole interview.

00:25 Thank you. So first, how are you doing today?

00:32 I'm doing good.

00:33 And you? Good. I'm good too. Thank you so much for having this conversation with me.

00:39 No, thank you for inviting me and letting me have this conversation with you.

00:42 Yep. So if you're ready, we're gonna get into it now. Basically, can you tell me about your relationship with your ex before the violence started?

00:54 So basically before the violence had started. So my story in domestic violence is a little bit different. Since I was very young, at a very young age, I've always been a little bit more mature and done a little bit more mature things. I was a little girl doing things that I shouldn't have been doing. So I was online on dating websites when I was. I started doing it when I was 13, but I started going on dates when I was 15. And when I met a couple of different dudes, men, and I met one guy that stand up particular, he had his own apartment, he had his own car. He was an assistant manager at a, at a store. So for me, he had these big things that I've never met anybody having, you know, and my mother would always tell me how, you know, to be a grownup you have to have these things, you know what I mean? So kind of like him having that kind of just like got me excited, you know? So from there we clicked. It was very much he would ride, die, do anything for me. In the beginning, he told me he would do anything. Very soon, I want to say maybe within three months, he started isolating me. I started staying at his apartment a lot more and he started isolating me from. It first started off with my friends. He didn't want me to go to school anymore. And I was still in school, of course, I was 15. He didn't want me to go to school anymore. So I stopped going to school. He didn't want me to hang out with my friends anymore. He wanted me to delete all my friends contacts, which I did. And then it got more physical. The first time that it happened, he was outside washing his car, cleaning his car, whatever. And I went outside just to go hang out with him. And he, he got mad at me because there's two dudes walking. And so I, I didn't understand why he got mad at me. Because I wasn't looking at the guys. I was hanging out with him. I was there for him, but he got very mad at me. And so I walked into the apartment. I've always had, like, a kind of, you know, Am I going a little bit off? No, I'm good. Okay, you're good. I've always been a little bit sassy. I've always tatted a little bit back. So I was kind of being a little sassy with him. I was like, oh, whatever. So he was holding on to my jacket really tight, and I, like, remember slipping my arm out. And when I slipped on my arm, I was walking into his room. He only had one bedroom. So when I was walking in that, he pushed me up against the wall. And he was like, don't you ever fucking walk away from me like that. I'm sorry. Don't you ever walk away from me like that again. And I was like, what? I was shocked because none of my boyfriends had interacted with me like that before. And that's when I broke from my protector, my savior, to this could probably hurt me. Of course I stayed.

04:22 Yeah. When did this relationship occur? So I know you said you were 15, and that was how long ago?

04:31 So it's been about four. It's going to be about four and a half, maybe five years now that I've been out of the relationship. And I was in the relationship for about five and a half, six years.

04:44 Okay, so you didn't mention that. There wasn't any signs in the beginning.

04:51 In the beginning, you know what? There wasn't really any signs besides the fact that, you know, his outer exterior. I think that's how you say it. I've always been attracted to bad boys. So his outer exterior kind of looked like a little bit like a thug. That's the only thing. But other than that, he looked like he had everything put together. He looked like he was very put together. He had everything put together. When he talked about his family dynamic, everything was put together. You know, his sister was from the army, then she turned into a sheriff. You know, stuff like that. It was. It was a normal background. So I didn't think anything different. You know, the only thing I might have said that might have been different now, me looking back at it, maybe too protective, like, too cautious with me. Like. Like in the beginning, like, he would always have to, like, walk on the outside, you know, and he would kind of get mad at me if I would walk on the outside. And I'D be like. But, like, just like, simple things like that. Like walking on the outside or having to open up the door for me, like, always having to look like a gentleman on the outside, to the outside people by, like, making sure that he had to look like a gentleman.

06:17 That's interesting, actually.

06:18 Yeah.

06:19 Cause you wouldn't think that that is like a. Like a sign or anything. Like, you would think that it's just a guy being a guy and.

06:27 Exactly. That's why I thought. Exactly. I thought he was just a very. Like, he was so much of a gentleman. He had his life together. Like, there couldn't be anything wrong with him. Like, so, like. No, I didn't notice. Like, to be honest, I mean, like I said, now that I've been out of it, now that I've gone through it, I've been out of it. I've had, you know, a couple of relationships after it. I do notice that that could be a trigger, you know?

06:55 Yeah. Do you think, like, for instance, how you said that you said that he started isolating you, is that when you kind of felt like something was off about the relationship or you didn't notice it?

07:14 So in a sense, Hindsight is always 2020, right. But then I didn't notice it. Like, I had this best friend, right? Her name was Ariella. She was. She was the best thing that I've ever had in my life. You know, she would always help me out to buy lunches when, you know, it was our lunch break. She would always be there. We would hang out all the time. And he started isolating me from her. And that's when I kind of, like, looked at her, like, a little bit like, this was a little weird because he got upset because she had texted me, right? And we were texting, and she had asked me, like, oh, how's your relationship going? And da, da, da. Like, just normal girl conversation, you know? And. But he got upset. He was like, well, what? Why is she asking about how am I? Like, I didn't even know her. Why is she asking about me? And that's when I kind of was like, wait, what? Like, hold on. I think you're, like, misreading the whole situation. Like, she's not, like, interrogating me about you. She's my best friend. And she's like. He was like, you know what? I don't really want you to talk to. So then after that, he would kind of like, just, like, every time, like, she would text me, he, like, you7 blocked her. Like, what's wrong? It's gonna be me or her, Me or her. And, like, then that's when I was like, but of course, I'm 15 years old. I'm not thinking no better, you know, Like, I'm thinking that because at the time, he had already been taking care of me. I was already practically moved into this apartment. So he had been taking care of me for a little while. So I kind of was like, well, you've been doing a lot for me, but she's like my best friend. Like, I don't really want to cut her off. He was like, well, you have to choose. And then that's when I was like, whoa. Like, okay. Unfortunately, I did. I. I chose wrong, you know.

09:09 So you did already mention, like, before that he had, like, physically abused you. There are many types of abuse, from verbal to physical to psychological. Right. Can you describe to me the type of abuse that took place and what would trigger this abuse?

09:31 So the type of abuse that took place. And I've also. I've speaked out for it. I've gone to a special family against domestic violence or something like that it's called, which They've helped me out a lot, to be completely honest. But from what they've told me, and we've sat down and talked about it and gone through it all, he was physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually. All different sorts of isolation is also a form of domestic violence, you know, and he was also that. What was your question? I'm so sorry.

10:17 No, it's okay. Well, basically you answered the first part that the type of abuse. Yeah, like, had occurred. Do you remember what would trigger this abuse? Any of the abuse?

10:33 So it would just be various of things. Like, for one instance, when we first started dating, there was this dude who was just, like, dancing randomly and, you know, being a clown. We were at Walmart, so he was in the next line and he was being a clown. He was dancing and, like, being just a goofball. I started laughing. He looked at me very seriously in the Walmart. I looked at him and I'm like, what the heck? Like I said, we just started dating, so I'm barely learning, you know, how to act. He looks at me very weird. As soon as we get into the car, when I get. He opens my door, of course he gets me into the car. He goes on his side, he closes the door. As soon as he closes the door, he smacks my face. He smacked my face so hard because he had three rings all the time on his pinky, his ring and his middle finger. He would always Have. And so he smacked me so hard and I left cuts and I had a black eye, my face got rust on. And he told me, I'm sorry, I'm in a cuss. He told me, don't you ever fucking make me look like a fucking idiot again. Don't you ever fucking make me look like a fucking idiot again. Don't ever fucking embarrass me like that again. And I'm holding my face and I'm crying and I'm like, what did I do? What did I do? You want to fucking laugh? You want to fucking laugh? You think shit's funny. You think shit's funny. I. That's fucking funny to me. I was like, I never got it. I'm sorry. I never got anything. Another incident, like I said at the. When I was trying to just hang out with him and he was cleaning off his car and the guys, you know, he would get abusive because of that. You know, guys would walk. He would think that the guys were looking at me or I would be looking at the guys and I get hit for that. He was very racist against Mexicans. He loved me because I look like a white girl, I have freckles and I'm very light complected. So he loved that about me. But anytime I stooped out for the Mexicans or anytime a Mexican pissed him off, I would get it. He would say, these fucking Mexicans, these fucking Mexicans, these fucking wet bags, like they don't know how to do anything right. This city is trash. Like, he would just talk shit. And when he was talking shit, I know that I was gonna get, you know, hit. Because I would always tell him, you know, I'm 75% Mexican. And he would throw that to me and you're 75 fucking percent Mexican. You're fucking. That's why you're so stupid and shit like that. So it's just. It was various of things, you know, he would pop off. He would sometimes just come home and he'd be so angry and I try to calm him down and he'd just pop off. He would put knives, he would step on my face, he would step on my chest. He did various things for various reasons that still to this day I can't pinpoint why or how he would get mad. It would. It would just be like, if he felt that I crossed him, that's it. And that's what he would tell me. You crossed me. That's why you got that. Stop crossing me. But I would tell him, I don't know what I did this time. I don't know how I crossed you this time, because you did that, and it would just be different.

13:59 I'm sorry, Mom. That's terrible.

14:03 I've lived past it. I've fought through it. I've had my own struggles and my own battles, but I am a survivor. And anybody who gets out, like, I always like to preach, anybody who gets out with their life is a survivor. It doesn't matter if you lost everything that you've owned. You got out with your life. You're a survivor. And I did.

14:30 Did others witness or know that the abuse was happening? And if they did, did they do anything to help you?

14:38 My poor little sister? Well, I mean, they know you're my sister, right? She did. She. She tried to help me. And she's the grace of God. She's the grace of God. She. She got through to me. But, yes, my family noticed my. That's why down the line, I had to isolate everybody but my grandmother. And even with my grandmother, like, my grandmother was so scared to the point where she didn't want to say anything wrong, do anything wrong to get me not to talk to her, because she was the last person that I was talking to. So, yes, my family would try to help, but unfortunately, he would have me isolate them.

15:24 Yeah, he already answered this next question for me. And staying in the relationship, were there ways in which you anticipated that a fight or abuse might happen beforehand? What was your emotional state day to day? So I know you said, like, if he came home angry, you kind of. Did you start picking up on that. That. That, like.

15:47 Yeah. So if you would come home, I always knew, like, if you slammed the door, because there would be a gate door, and then there would be the, like, solid door. If he slammed the gate door, he was pissed off. The way that I would try to deal with it or try to manage it. A little bit of a backstory of me. I've also. During my childhood, I was abused. So in my childhood, when I got abused, I learned to stay quiet and try to. Like, what I tried to do is try to, like, get myself in a corner where, like, I'm not in nobody's way.

16:27 Like, make yourself small.

16:28 Exactly. I try to make myself small and so quiet. Like, almost like, as quiet as a mouse and as small as a mouse. And that's kind of what I would do with him. I would just get myself in a corner and just be, like, so quiet. Like, I would always go to the kitchen. I would stay in the kitchen, and just like, there's a wall right there. So I would stay in the back kitchen and just down there and just like, let him be pissed off. And sometimes he would have to go to work, so I'd be lucky that he would go to work or if he had to be there all day, I would just stay in the corner and just wait until he calmed down. And when I saw him start sitting down, like, I would just be like, hey, baby, what happened? Like, really quietly, you know, hey, baby, are you okay? What happened? So we thought, okay, can I do anything to help you? Can I give you a back massage? Can I rub your feet? I don't know what happened, but I'm sorry. And I just talked to him like that and kind of ease in to, like, avoid the conflict. But sometimes when I would ease in, that's when he would strike and he'd be like, get the away from me, bitch. What the fuck you want? Because of you, you fucking bitch. And then that's when it would escalation and stuff like that.

17:48 So when all this is going on, what was your emotional state day to day?

17:55 My emotional state was kind of like. It's sad to say, it kind of felt like, like fight or flight in a sense, like I had to stay alive to maintain. But I also, like. It's kind of like when you have. What I always like to tell people is like when you have. When you go to prison, right, you have the drill sergeant, right? And you're an inmate, right? And you have to do everything that the drill sergeant says for you to be happy. Like, for them to be happy, you know, so they. They won't mess with you. You know what I mean? So I kind of felt like that, like he was my drill sergeant telling me commands, and no matter what, like, I would even be. I would go to sleep and I hit in my sleep to wake up. Like, I would be literally smacked in my face to wake up. So it's not like I could have just gone to sleep and slept it through the whole day. No, I would have gone smacked if I slept all day. So I was just maintaining to try to please him. And then towards the end, I really was just. I was trying to plan, trying to strategize. And that's what my day to day life was, how to strategize. How am I gonna get out of here? How am I gonna get out of here? How am I gonna get out with my life? Because like I said, that's all I wanted, was just get out with my life.

19:32 So it kind of Was like, you were like. Like if you were, like, in war.

19:39 Exactly.

19:40 Like if you were a soldier, Exactly.

19:42 Like if you're in a war and you have your sergeant that's, you know, giving you all your commands, and you're over here trying to fight battle and you're trying to please him, but at the same time, he's throwing more commands, and it's like, you can never. You can never please him. And I had to come to grips with. I had to be with. I had to be okay with, in a sense, kind of being like, you know what? Cause in a way, like, you. You tend to feel like you can fix him. You know, like, if I act good, I can fix him. If I act better, I can fix him. If I stop doing this, I can fix him. But at the end, you kind of have to just justify with yourself you can't fix him. And it's better just to get out with your life and hope that somebody can, you know, fix them or something happens, you know, that he can't do. He can't do this, you know. Yeah.

20:50 How did you. How were you able to cope while staying in this relationship and being abused? Because I know you were with him for a while, and I know, like, the isolation and everything makes it hard to leave. So how are you able to cope with it while you ran it?

21:13 You just kind of learn, like, it sucks, but you kind of just learn to, like, okay, this is what life is. Because he. He scared me with a lot of things. He scared me with gangs. He scared me with money. He scared me with law enforcement. He would always throw his sister. My sister is a sheriff, so if you do anything to me, I have the cops back, you know, the cops have my back, you know, so. And me being young and naive, I'm believing him. So he had me scared with a lot of things that I was like, if I leave this dude, I'm gonna die, because it won't even be on his hands. Somebody else could come and kill me because I left him, because I crossed him. He got in my mind so bad that I felt like, if I leave, I'm gonna get killed or my family's gonna get killed, you know, he would always tell me that if I. If you leave, I'm gonna do something to your sister. I'm gonna do something to your grandmother. Always my sister and my grandma. Always. So he put me in a state where I was like, I can't leave, so I have to just fight. And that's how I was maintaining. Fighting, fighting, fighting. I messed up. I got in this relationship. Now I gotta stay here because if I don't, my sister's gonna get touched, my grandma's gonna get touched, you know? And he got me scared like that. Whereas, like, I couldn't run, I couldn't go to the cops, I couldn't go nowhere. And that's how you maintain it, you know, you. You realize you can't go anywhere. There's no stopping it.

22:55 Yeah. Did you do anything, like, to, like, was there anything. I know you already said, like, there was stuff that you told yourself, like, basically, like, to keep pushing forward.

23:12 I prayed a lot too. I prayed to God a lot. Towards the end, I started talking, praying, crying, laughing. Like, if God was right here with me, like my best friend, like, I might have looked like a crazy person. But I was isolated for five and a half years. I didn't have nobody. So God became my best friend. I talked to him, I cried to him, I prayed to him. I would ask, I would beg, and after I would get smacked, I would ask, I would beg finally to the point where he or God gave me my relief.

23:58 So, like, in the way when he would tell you, like, oh, like, I'm gonna go after your sister or your grandma, you think that was you trying to, like, making an attempt to justify the abuse that he was giving you?

24:13 Yeah, definitely. Like, he would beat me, right? And he'd be like, you can fucking leave. You can fucking leave, but if you leave, I'm gonna get your sister, I'm gonna get your brother. Like, he wouldn't even throw my brother sometimes. I'm gonna get your sister, I'm gonna get your brother. I'm gonna get your grandma. If you leave, if you run, if you hide, I'm gonna get your sister, I'm gonna get your grandma, I'm gonna get your brother. Oh, I'm gonna find you. And it's gon. So I would be like, okay, you smack me in the face, I have a black eye, I have a bruised up lip, but you're gonna kill my sister. I can't. Because it's like, like I said, ever since I was a child, even with my abuse, then I would always protect my sister. So. And he knew that. That's why he would use my sister, because he knew that I would always protect my sister. So he knew if I use your sister against you, you're not going to do shit. And that's what he would do. And so that's why I would justify, like, okay, it's okay to hit me. Because at least you're not getting my sister, you know.

25:22 Thank you.

25:24 Thank you.

25:25 Not really. Well, since mom had gone through, like, a similar relationship with Michael's dad.

25:39 Did.

25:39 She ever try to help you or give you any advice when this was happening? I know she did a lot of drugs and alcohol and wasn't the best parent out there.

25:59 Yeah.

26:00 What?

26:01 So during this time, me and my mom had a lot of friction, had a lot of anger. I had a lot of anger. She, I guess, had some anger, which, you know, people are justified to feel however they feel. Emotions are emotions and feelings are feelings, you know, and you can feel, however, I had a lot of anger and a lot of resentment towards my mom when I left for the five and a half years. So when I isolated my mother, it was easy because, you know, there was. There was no, like, you know, you're my mom this and that. We were already having tension. We were already having strife. So when I isolated her. No, she. She really didn't. I mean, I guess in a way, she did kind of threw my grandmother. Like, my grandmother was. Would tell me that my mom was asking about me or something like that. But other than that, you know, our relationship has been suffered for so long.

27:03 Yeah. Has there been any moments where the shared traumatic experience of being victims of abuse are. Well, survivors, actually, of abuse affected your relationship with mom in any way over the years?

27:20 So I think it has affected my relationship with Mom. I definitely can sympathize more with my mother, not with everything that she does, but I definitely can sympathize a little bit more of where she was coming from, especially with my brother's father, our brother's father, where she was coming from in that relationship with James. You know, like, I can definitely sympathize. Sympathize with that. But has it brought us closer? I don't believe so.

27:53 Yeah. No, I haven't seen that.

27:56 No.

27:59 Can you tell me about a time when he tried to leave but could not or maybe failed? I remember there was one time where he did, but I don't know if there was maybe more.

28:12 So I did try to leave. I remember very vividly. We had seven. Yeah. We have been together for either. We have been. Yeah. We have been together for seven days. I had left. Right. I had told him. I was like, you know what? I can't do this anymore. I just wanted to be there for my son because at the time, I was pregnant, so I just wanted to be there for my son. And I was just feeling like he was really not gonna be there for my son. So I just told him, you know what? I can't do this relationship anymore. I need to go home. He also had. I believe he had, like, choked me or something, which had also made me go, because I remember when he came, we hadn't like broken up for like a day. And then he comes at like 3 o'clock in the morning the next day. So it had been like 24 hours. And the next day, at 3:00 in the morning, he comes and he's knocking on my door. I mean, not my door, on my window. And, like, it wakes me up from my sleep. And then. So I, like, I open it and I just see him, like, waving. And I'm like, okay. And then someone, like, I go outside. But of course I'm being cautious, so I think I'm crazy. I bring a knife with me and I go outside and I make him open up all his car and make sure nobody's with him. And then he's like telling me, he's like, I'm so sorry, I love you. Like, please, can we work it out? And not. And that's why I think he had kicked me or punched me or something, because I remember me telling him, no, you hurt me. Like, I. I don't want to be with somebody who's gonna hurt me. I watched my mom go through it, so I don't want to through this. And he was like, I'm so sorry. I'm not going to do it again. Like, it was just. It's just my temper and I. I need to get it under control. I'm so sorry. Yeah. Yeah. And so after that, we made up. I forgave him. I believed that he wasn't going to do it ever again. And all that other stuff.

30:19 Yeah. What made you stay in the relationship besides the fact that you were trying to protect your family? Like.

30:33 Because I didn't think anybody else was gonna love me. As naive, as stupid and as silly and as immature as that sounds, I. And I guess it's something that my mother understood. And me, and my. Me and you, we don't want to die alone. You know, we have a fear of dying alone. You know, and it might be shallow, I might be naive, but we don't want to die alone. And I didn't think nobody else was gonna love me or take care of me because I thought I was being taken care of, you know, I didn't think nobody else was going to take care of me the way that he did or love me the way that he did. So, you know, if I need a smack, a slap, a kick to, you know, trigger me in or get me to act right, you know, and I would always justify it also with I never had parents. You know, maybe what I am doing is stupid or maybe what I am doing is wrong. You know, I would justify that with that. So I would be like, you know, he's just teaching me how to be. How to be a good woman. You know, he was just teaching me how to be a woman because my mom couldn't teach me how to be a woman. You know, I would justify stupid things like that, and that's what would justify me into staying.

31:56 Did he ever show any remorse or make any attempts to change or seek any help?

32:05 So he did stop hitting me for a year. He stopped hitting me for a year. He didn't stop isolating me or any of the other things, but he did stop hitting me for a year. And, you know, I thought things were gonna get better. I thought he was gonna let me start seeing my family more. He actually did let me come over to my grandmother's home and, like, hang out here, but of course, he had to. Surveillance 24 7.

32:35 Is that when you guys would start hanging out here more and you got, like, pizza and all that?

32:39 Exactly. So he was trying to do, like, little things like that. Of course, it didn't last long. And sure enough, he'd be right back into hitting me and correcting me and telling me that I crossed his line and that's why I got a black eye. Or help us to live.

33:06 So he did try for at least a year. Yeah, at least.

33:11 At least.

33:14 How did you. How did you finally get out of the relationship?

33:18 How did I. So like I said, it got back to being bad again. My grandma was finally moving back from China. She was finally coming back to El Paso. And she told me right then and there, I was like, God, and I'm gonna be spiritual right now. I'm sorry, but, like, I really say, like, God put it in my heart. As soon as my grandma told me that she was coming home. Make a plan. Get up. But do it when grandma gets home, because she can't help you right now. Do it when she gets home. Anything goes wrong, she can call the cops. And that was what my strategy was. And I talked to them about it, and I tried to strategize with her. Of course, she was always telling me, well, just go home now. Just go home now. No, Doma, it doesn't work like that. Like, I need to strategize this out because of my fear of my panic. Something else that really helped me a lot. The day of me leaving. Actually, the night before I was gonna leave, I talked to my sister, and I told her. I was like, I'm leaving. I can't do this anymore. She was like, what? She didn't believe me. Remember? You didn't believe me?

34:38 Yeah.

34:39 You didn't believe me. And I remember I told you. I was like, if I text you a smiley face, I mean, something bad happened. I was like, just a smiley face. I'm not gonna have time for anything else. Just a smiley face. It's probably gonna just have two dots in a. Like a smiley. You know what I mean? And I told you that you're like, okay. And he went to go do some. Some training. Super training. And I called you because I was getting scared and I was backing out. And remember just telling you, like, I can't do it, Vivian I can't do it. I'm so sorry. Again, you're like, no, you're gonna do it. What's the worst that he's gonna do? He's gonna smack you. And then what? And then what? Okay, and then what's the worst? We're gonna, like. We already have our code. You're gonna send me that code if something happens, and we're gonna have the cops. Me and grandma are already listening to the conversation right now. We're waiting for you by the door. Like, that's really, like. And you didn't hang up. You didn't hang up that phone. And I really, like, do, suggest or recommend, like, if anybody hears this. If you have a family member that's going through, like, domestic violence, be that person. Be that person that they can call and you don't hang out. You put everything to the side. Every. Absolutely everything to the side. Be that person to stay on the phone until they're. Until they make it home. Because that's really what helped me to get me home and what saved my life was that phone call me and your heart. And you stayed on the phone. I remember me and grandma prayed, and you stayed on the phone, and me. And you prayed and you stayed on the phone. And I remember I told you. I was like, he's here. I gotta go. And you're like, are you sure you gotta go? And I was like, yeah, I gotta go. I'm gonna tell him right now. And then I remember telling him. And, like, that's why I say I'm gonna be spiritual, because God kept me safe. But by the Grace of God, I was not touched on that ride home. And I was taken to my house. I jumped out of the car. Of course, I had my bags in my hand. I jumped out. I didn't care if I forgot anything. I jumped out of the car, I ran inside, and I remember you locked the door behind me, and that's what happened.

37:17 Wow, it's so good to think about when you left the relationship.

37:25 Yeah.

37:27 Um, how has the experience changed you from who you were before and after the relationship?

37:36 Um, so who I was before, I was very timid, very shy. I let anybody walk all over me today. You can ask. You can ask yourself, ain't nobody gonna walk all over me. And I'm gonna get what I have to get for myself. Because at the end of the day, that's all we have is ourselves, you know? And no matter what, like, I'm gonna always have my back. Really. Getting out of that relationship taught me that I can go through hell, high water with myself and I'll have my back and I'll be okay. And I have a damn good little bit sister behind me.

38:28 So I'm. There's a lot of misconceptions about, like, domestic violence. Right. And opinions and. But before the relationship went bad and before you experienced, like, domestic violence, did you think prior to that, if. Wait, did you think prior to that, if you found yourself in that situation, would you handle it differently? And if so, how. And also, what misconceptions did you have about domestic violence?

38:56 Oh, hell yeah. I have a lot of misconceptions about domestic violence. I believe. Why is she still with him if she. If he hits her? Well, one time. One time, one smack would just leave. I would have already left. I would have already left him. Like, I had all those thoughts and all those theories and I believed them all to the core of me, to the T of me. And that's a big misconception and a big. Like what? Big opinion that people have. We'll just call the cops. We'll just leave. I mean, if you're so scared of them, why don't you just call the cops? Because sometimes we don't think we have that option. Unfortunately enough, we know we have the option. We know we have the option of calling the cops, calling our family members, calling whatever. But in that moment, you don't think you have that option or you're getting too scared into whatever he has because he's painted himself as being the perfect man and a perfect gentleman. So whatever he has that's making you think that he's better than. Because that's what you're thinking. At the end of the day, you're thinking, he's better than me. So they're not going to believe me. And that's a self esteem issue. And that's why young women and also, yeah, young women and also women that really don't have self esteem right now, they need to step out and they need to focus on them and then you'll learn to love them. Because if you, if you don't love you, what the hell is this perfect gentleman gonna do to love you, to make you love you? You know what I mean? At the end of the day, you have to learn to love yourself. You have to learn it's not about having the parents or whatever. Learn to love yourself so that way nobody can mistreat you. Because if you don't do it to yourself and if you love yourself, you won't let it end. And don't have those misconspiracy of why didn't she call the cops? Why didn't she do this? Why didn't she do that? Because sometimes they don't think they have that option. Sometimes. This dude has painted a picture of himself where I'm untouchable to the cops, I'm untouchable to your family. What are you gonna do? And that's why we're scared.

41:08 Yeah. Do you think looking back at it now, would you have handled the situation differently?

41:15 Most definitely. I most definitely would have handled things a lot more differently. I was, you know what, I like to say that and I would like to believe that. But at the end of the day, like I said, I had to learn my own self worth and my own self love because I wouldn't have had the strength or the guts to call my grandma, to call my sister, to tell him if I didn't love myself or if I didn't think I was worthy enough. So if I learned to have loved myself and I've learned to have worthy and then have worth for myself and then I have gone to that relationship, of course, yeah, I most definitely would have handled that a lot different. I would have called the cops and I would have been home, separate, and he would have been in jail, you know, because even if his sister is a sheriff, doesn't mean you're untouchable.

42:15 Yeah. How has it been transitioning from being in a relationship like this to no longer being with that person?

42:25 So like I said, I have about four and a half, maybe three and a half years out of that relationship that in the beginning, it was hard. It was extremely hard. And even you can, like, testify like you grandma. Everybody can testify. Like, I would ask you guys for, like, your permission, like, I would basically. And you'd be like, what the heck, Vivian? You're 21 years old. Like, yes, it's okay for you to go do that. Like, you're a grown up now. Like, and you didn't ask us before when you were 15. Now you're asking us like, so, yeah, it was definitely a big transition. And like I said, I really did need to seek that help. I don't remember exactly what name it is. I know it's off of Guiles. It's Family Against Domestic Violence. Something like that. That place. That place. Really, if I didn't go to that place or if I didn't try to seek help from that place, I wouldn't be where I am today. I would have still been that scared, timid, asking my sister for permission, like my little sister for permission, you know, I would have still been that way. But now I've, you know, adjusted. I fought through it. I. I want to say, in a sense, healed. You know, every day is a struggle. I still deal with PTSD and stuff like that, but for the most part, yeah, I definitely have learned a lot and also a lot has changed. And I'm so grateful that I am the person that I am today and that, you know, I am grateful I've gone through that experience because it definitely humbled me.

44:18 What did it teach you about yourself and how to address or prevent an abusive relationship in the future?

44:26 So like I said, it all stems down from self worth and self love, something that you preach to me all the time. But it's true, you know, at all. If I, if I had a little bit more worth in my heart for myself, I wouldn't have been there for half of that, you know. So the way to avoid it is having self love, having self worth, and also seeing the red flags and not trying not cover them. Like us as women, we see them, but then we try to. Oh, but it's because of this.