Adoption

00:01 My name is Rariany I am 27 years old today, Thursday, 20 April. I am speaking with Victor and Maddy, who are both my friends, host parents from the Au Pair program. I am recording this interview from Pickerington Ohio, and I am with them to talk a little bit about their adoption process and how everything was for them. So here I am with them. So the first question I have to ask you guys is, how old is your child?

00:56 Maxine is 19 months old and joining.

01:00 Us for this interview.

01:01 Yeah. And present. The artist is present.

01:05 Awesome. And when did you guys adopted her? She came home with us from the hospital. So she was in newborn adoption, but in Ohio, you can't finalize an adoption, like, legally, until six, at least six months after birth. So she was born on September 9, 2021, and her adoption was finalized on March 24, 2022. So a little over. We were legally her parents in March. Yeah. Awesome. How did you guys chose her name? That's a good story. So with this imp, we have an open adoption, which means we're still in contact with Maxine's birth family and birth parents. We're actually going to see them this weekend. We had a conversation about if some birth parents really want to keep the name, some birth parents don't really care. Our birth mom, who's named Amber, very open, relaxed throughout the process. Even before Max was born, she was pregnant with Maxine. So we have picked her first name. We picked a bunch of names, and I think we settled on Maxine. I had a great aunt named Maxine who was a nurse in world War two. And when I was a little kid, my grandma told me all these stories about her, so I never met her. She died before I was born. But it's a name that we liked. Marie was actually the middle name given to her by her birth mom, so we kept that. But it was also Victor's mom's middle name and my stepmom's middle name, so it was actually the name that we picked for her anyway, and also the name that she picked. So it was kind of nice how those, like, aligned. Yeah. Awesome. So why did you choose adoption for in the first place?

03:01 Yeah. So we chose adoption after talking a lot about, you know, what we wanted to do in regards to having kids, whether we wanted to have biological kids or, you know, wanted to pursue something else. And the more we looked into it, you know, we just thought more and more that, you know, there's all this opportunity to help, you know, folks who, folks who need it. And especially we worked when we were working with this, our placement firm. They specialize in open adoptions, and they help the birth family a lot, too, which was a big part of the appeal for us, you know, like, making sure that everybody was taken care of. And, you know, we both come from blended families, and it was never really a. It never really felt like a much of a difference from a, from having that blended family as far as having an adopted child goes. And I have to say it's, you know, it's exceeded, I mean, all my wildest expectations.

04:11 Yeah. I think most people want to ask us, did we have fertility issues? Because most people assume that if you adopted a baby, you tried to have biological children and couldn't, and that's not the case. We just didn't want to have biological children of our own. I spent a lot of time as a therapist working with kids, foster children, a lot of kids who had been removed from their families, maybe put back with their families after being in foster care. And I really came to appreciate that kind of unique situation and learned a lot about it as a counselor and as a therapist. And it was, I think, where we were at in life, it felt like the right thing. But we also wanted to make sure it was a very consensual process and felt very fair to our birth parents and read a lot of literature about adoption and settled on, like, infant open adoption here in Ohio. Yeah, sorry, I had to add that. Okay, awesome. Can you describe the adoption process you went through? Yeah. Oh, hello. Thanks, Maxine. So the first step is to decide that you wanna go through with the adoption, and then you apply with an adoption agency. And your application is. I think that was dollar 500.

05:29 Yeah.

05:30 And that starts a. So much paperwork. More paperwork than you can imagine. Background check, bank statements, employment verification. So can you describe the adoption process you went through? So the adoption process is long, and I think a lot of people have a general understanding. The first step with the open infant adoption is an application. I think that's $500.

06:02 Very basic information.

06:03 Yeah. And that's background check. It just starts a whole series of paperwork, financial records, employment, character references. You do a very long essay about your childhood and childhood trauma and your goals apparent and why you want to adopt and your vision to how to be connected with birth families. And, oh, I'd have a psychological screening and reference. You have to also, how did you find the adoption agency or organization you work with? That was good. I feel like I did kind of the legwork on this. There are two or three agencies in all of Ohio that do open infant adoptions. One of them is a really religious organization, which we're not really religious. So it wasn't really a good fit. Other one is not more secular, and ours, the third one, what we went with, is more secular. What I liked about them is they adopted to, like, LGBTQ families, so they were open and affirming for everyone. They also didn't allow you to put in your paperwork a preference of, like, the sex or race of your child. And I thought that shows what their values are of being really centered on what's best for the children and what's best for the birth family. So we went with an agency called adoption link. They're in, like, yellow Springs near Dayton, and I think their big priority is simply to prioritize birth parents and make sure everyone feels supported, because, obviously, that's such a huge decision for someone to make and how difficult that must be. And I think we've thought a lot about how to, like, honor that in Maxine's life, too. So I think that was why we ultimately, it felt the most ethical. That's the short. That's the short answer. Felt the most ethical. Yeah. Awesome. So you talk about a little bit about the matching process, and, like, you guys felt that it was not super long, but while you were in the process for the adoption, did you find any problem during the process or anything that you felt like it was hard or it was delayed in any way?

08:25 I think the toughest part is, you know, we had never done this before. We didn't really know what to expect, despite, you know, everybody saying, hey, it could be really quick. It could be. It could take a long time. So I think we were kind of our own worst enemy when it came to that. And we were wondering, okay, you know, is everything gonna happen? And, you know, kind of perseverating over that and thinking really hard on it. And then as we were getting close, after we had matched and we had met Amber, we're getting closer and closer to her due date. We were just like, okay, how do we handle this? Like, we actually had to cancel a trip where we were gonna go see our friends for the first time in, you know, a long time to go because she was going into.

09:11 She had an early, kind of early labor and had to go to the hospital. Maxine wasn't born for, like, three or four more weeks, so it was kind of just, you know, but we wanted to make sure we were here to prioritize that if she came early, she didn't, but she almost did.

09:26 And so I think from the beginning, it's been very, I think, like you said, centering birth family and then being there for Maxine above what we would want. I think we, we settled on that by thinking so much about, you know, like Maddy was saying, the ethical way to do things.

09:51 Okay. Okay. Now it's more like a sentimental question, but how do you feel? Like, how did you guys feel when you first met her? When she was, like, when you, when you was holding her? Like, how, like, did you actually, did you feel like, I'm a parent or, like, this is real, like, we are becoming parents? And how was that? Like, how was the feeling of holding your child? Yeah, I think it's interesting because, you know, I didn't birth Maxine, and it's, you know, you want to honor birth mother's experience. So I really, in those moments, wanted to follow Amber's lead. Like, she wanted to do skin to skin with Maxine. She wanted to hold her. She wanted to spend that time with her. But when it was time for her to have her first bottle in, like, 30 or so minutes, Amber was like, I want you to hold her. I want you to feed her her first bottle. And that felt, I guess it felt amazing, all of it. I think we had the best adoption experience. It was almost story seamless. It was so great. Of course, you're anxious and waiting because you're waiting and you don't know what's going to happen. You could be in any situation where you wait and don't know what's gonna happen. You're gonna be anxious. Yeah. Oh, we don't need to watch a show right now. Thank you, though. I think shock, because you go that far, you do all the paperwork, and you're still not sure if this is gonna happen. And in Ohio, there's 72 hours where they can revoke that. Okay, so at any point when we were at the hospital or even when we had brought her home, they still had 24 hours to say, no, we don't want to go forward with the adoption. So while you're excited, while you're hopeful, while you're amazed by, like, the miracle of childbirth and the fact that there's a new person with us now, there is a part of you, at least for me, that was really nervous. Like, what if I'm getting so excited for something that's nothing to be or not meant to be? So that, I think, is the scary part of it.

12:06 I think probably the most intense thing that happened in those first three days was the first night, because we were up every hour feeding Maxine sorry. Second night.

12:19 She stayed the first night with Amber.

12:20 That's right. Yeah. Second night. So we were up every hour feeding Maxine, and. And we were both sleeping in one of the post delivery rooms with Maxine, and it's just us. Like, that was the first time.

12:35 Oh, yeah. You're like, oh, gosh, where?

12:36 Oh, wow. It is. You know, it's just us. And so between the sleep deprivation and just kind of like the whole. I mean, the emotion and the wonder of the entire experience that I think was absolutely just, you know, hugely impactful on and made a big initial impact on. I know, for me as a. As a parent.

13:05 So was both of your family's part, like, participating in the process? Were they supportive? Like, did your family had second thoughts, or how was that for maybe your parents or siblings, all those parts of the family? How was for them to see that you guys were choosing that process? My family has been great, so I. They treat Maxine. She's the queen. My dad is obsessed with her. I don't think there's ever been any doubt with my family about anything. They've been 100% supportive. I have a blended family. I have a stepmom and a half brother. It's just not. It's just who we are as a family, and we're okay with it. My extended family, aunts, uncles. Nobody treats Maxine any different. She's just one of us. But my family just kind of has that very, I would say, welcoming, loving, open to anyone attitude. And that hasn't, unfortunately, been Victor's experience with his family.

14:29 Yes. So as good and great, I'll say, as Maddie's family has been my family, Washington, less supportive. And that's putting it lastly, which is to say that I consistently got questioned, why are you doing this? Are you sure you want to do this? I'm not. Our statements such as, I'm not sure that this is what's best for you, which is interesting, as a 40 year old man, to be told that, hey, your parents think that this might not be in the best interests of you, but neither here nor there, even after Maxine was born, just some. I'll say, disengagement, you know, like, my family doesn't live near here. At the same time, they never really made any effort to come and visit Maxine after the birth. And, you know, they love pictures and such, but yet that's not the same as a visit. And maybe just some weird things as well that maybe, maybe kind of show what they're really thinking. But, I mean, I got comments such as, I, you know, I felt sad today because I felt that they felt sad today because they wish that Maxine was a boy for. Yeah, like, I.

15:57 So you guys talk a little bit about her birth mother and how you guys chose the agency and everything to honor the birth mother. And so the birth mother will always be in her life. So when she grows and you guys talk to her more about the process and everything, her birth mom would be always there for her. And you guys are doing a process where she knows her birth mother since birth. So I think I, like, personally feel that's really amazing. I think when she grows up, it's gonna be such a easy thing for her to go through because she, she would have, like, both of those people in her life. And I think since you guys are doing since birth, it's gonna be such a good thing for her. So when you guys talk about, like, the agencies that have, like, that honor the birth mother and everything, these mothers that choose to go through that process to, like, give their child to adoption, what are their backgrounds? Were like, why do you think they choose that? Is it a reason of because, like, financially, or is it a reason of, like, mentally? Like, can you talk a little bit more about how the moms go through those agency, those agencies, and choose to give their child through adoption? I think it must be a really, really hard decision, and I have so, so much empathy, especially now that I parent a child. I can't imagine you spend time with a person and get to know them when they're in your womb and think and dream for that person. Okay, so what both of you wish more people knew about adoption in the adoption process, either what you've been through or what you think maybe, like, it's some misconceptions that people have overall that you heard around. Yeah, mine's actually a little bit different. I think it's for adoptive families to take it very, very seriously and to not minimize what can be traumatic for their child. There's no doubt that at points, Maxine is going to feel a loss, because how could you not? You're not growing up with the person who carried you. You know, there will always be questions for her of what if? And you have to be ready and able to support your child as they navigate those tricky identity related questions. There are adoptive families who are not as maybe open with their children. There are adoptive families who maybe say things like, well, I kind of, like, rescued you, or kind of that, like, savior mentality. And I think there just needs to be more humility going into it that adoption is complicated. We are often by people look that, like, we're doing some, like, super altruistic, heroic thing. And I think being a parent in general is kind of altruistic and heroic. You've been around children. You know, it's a lot of work, but at the end of the day, someone also did the reproductive labor for us to become a family. And that has to be honored as well in the choice that she made. So it's both. And I think maybe sometimes people, like, would demonize people who choose to go place a child for adoption. It's a hard decision, and they made the best decision for them. So I think just remembering that it's complicated, there's no savior party or hero party and no bad guy in this. Be working together in the best interest of the child and the best interest of the family. And hopefully that family includes everybody to include both parents if they want to be involved like that. Right? Yeah. Awesome. So I am just. I just want to say thank you for sharing your story with me, and thank you for taking time. I just think your story is great, and it's. It's very nice to listen to both of you talking. I can. I can feel you guys are good people in heart, and she's great. She's beautiful. And I love your story. And I just want to say thank you. You're welcome. Yeah. Thanks.