Aileen Imperatrice and Tony Imperatrice

Recorded March 6, 2020 Archived March 6, 2020 41:45 minutes
0:00 / 0:00
Id: mby019728

Description

Spouses Aileen Imperatrice (51) and Tony Imperatrice (56) discuss their battles with terminal illness and share their fears about their medical conditions. They remember who they were as a couple before they were both ill and reflect on losing their mothers around the same time.

Subject Log / Time Code

AI talks about TI's kidney transplant and being his donor.
TI talks about his alcoholism before he was diagnosed with polycystic kidney disease.
AI compares who she and TI were before they both were diagnosed with terminal illnesses.
TI and AI share their thoughts about religion.
AI and TI talk about the challenges of their medical expenses.
AI talks about her art and the benefits of working from home.
AI reflects on when she and TI both lost their mothers around the same time.
AI and TI remember TI's mother and her funeral.
AI shares her fears about her diagnosis.

Participants

  • Aileen Imperatrice
  • Tony Imperatrice

Recording Locations

CMAC

Transcript

StoryCorps uses Google Cloud Speech-to-Text and Natural Language API to provide machine-generated transcripts. Transcripts have not been checked for accuracy and may contain errors. Learn more about our FAQs through our Help Center or do not hesitate to get in touch with us if you have any questions.

00:04 Hello, my name is Aileen imperatrice. And I am 51 years old. Today is Friday, March 6th 2020 and I'm in Fresno California. I'm talking with my husband Tony imperatrice and we will start shortly.

00:22 I'm Tony imperatrice. I'm 56 and my partner here is my wife Aileen imperatrice.

00:33 So today I was thinking about all the things that we've been through in the last few years, of course, and I think I've been thinking about that a lot lately. It's been a rough few years with a lot of health issues in both of us, losing our mothers and all of that. So I have been contemplating quite a bit how we survived these last two years so far.

00:58 What are your thoughts on that? I don't know at this point. I'm just after everything. I've just kind of falling into a flow with it. Yeah, it is what it is. I think you seem to feel more comfortable with that than I do at the moment because I'm still currently going through my latest Health crisis. And so I'm feeling still trying to adjust to the new normal of

01:25 Cancer and then trying to get through it, you know, it was easier. I think when we were going through the kidney transplant because like I said before I felt like it there was a definite goal that we got to to be able to do the transplant through UCSF and everything that fell into place for that seemed to go so well, and I know of course you are still with the Palace of the kidney disease, but at least you have a new kidney and it seems to be working really wonderfully. So I'm very grateful for that. And then of course, even though I have only one kidney, I know that I'm doing well with kidneys anyway.

02:06 That's the one thing that is working. Well, and so I think that's kind of where I am with my thoughts on our journey so far.

02:17 When it comes to my mind is that I had more time to adjust to the new normal because I was diagnosed in 2002. So I've had what's that 18 19 years to adjust to that and in 2002. I knew that the transplant was inevitable.

02:39 But that didn't happen until 2017. So I had him 15 years to adjust to how my life was never going to be the same and the fact that I would forever be living with a terminal disease that could only be treated. There was no cure for it. I think I agree with that that it's probably that you had more time to to adjust to that and I think also because

03:09 The way that everything fell into place with

03:12 Kaiser Hospital helping us arrange all that and then going through UCSF and and all the doctors and everybody that we met with it seem to be put together so smoothly that it it never seemed like we were oh my gosh now we suddenly have to do this right away. It was the path in the process to do all that to think that the diagnosis forced of diagnosis in 2002 polycystic kidney disease force the issue of me facing up to my alcoholism.

03:49 And being in recovery and learning all of the tools and and tactics for dealing with my addiction because that's also permanent at it doesn't change now. I just have to live with it and I gave me the opportunity to kind of well, I guess what I want to say is the what I learned in recovery.

04:15 Applied directly to what I would need to do to get through living with a terminal disease.

04:25 That's very fortunate that you had that groundwork already. Then I never thought about it that way. You know what the thing is, I think in addition to just getting used to the new normal. It's also like what I said before it's the relinquishing of what we were before.

04:41 That's been the hardest thing for me.

04:45 Yeah, because I was used to being the healthy person and especially since I was able to be your donor. I felt like I was really living my purpose to be in a healthy person that I was so healthy that I could be a good donor in that I was able to do that. And then even after the surgery was over in the transplant, I was so healthy and everything was going well and then all the sudden now I have cancer and it's

05:11 It is a diagnosis that makes you feel like you've lost everything that you were before.

05:18 I'm no longer a healthy person anymore. And I have this Cloud over my head that the cancer might come back even as I get through this round Legend, even if I get through this.

05:33 Cancer diagnosis currently, you know, I still have that concern forever. Then I'm no longer just perfectly healthy anymore even as much as I tried to my life to you know, always exercise and eat well and everything and I thought I was doing so well and I was confirmed by UCSF when I was the perfect donor. I mean they even said I was a super donor meaning that I could donate to just about anybody which is pretty rare and I thought wow that's amazing I felt so

06:04 Proud of the fact that I could do that and then boom you have cancer and now I feel like rug was pulled out from under me.

06:15 Allen

06:17 And again, I think.

06:21 I dealt with that change that sudden life change in 2002 both with the Paula cystic kidney diagnosis and the entering into alcoholism recovery that I

06:38 Yeah, the person I had been was actually the means of my own destruction because the the last music directorship I had.

06:51 Initially, I had blamed the failures of that on everybody else. And of course in recovery, I learned that at the very least I had a part in it and when years later I look back on it. I realized that the person I had been was the person that was destroying me.

07:16 And I had to face up to the fact that I had to leave that person behind from and it was in my in my own best interest to do so and I

07:31 That was a big part of of recovery was the the old me who thought he was the happy drunk Life of the Party guy who was actually the Raging asshole guy. I had to face up to that. And so, you know, I left the old me behind in 2002. I'll see you that's where I feel like our situations are a little bit different because

08:00 I was doing everything quote on quote right I was living right I was eating healthy. I was exercising. I was being a good person and and trying to be out in the world as a positive force and stuff. So I thought I was living the correct life. And I think that's what a lot of people deal with when they're handed a disease that they're like, well, why did this happen? You know, if I if I'm doing the right things why is this coming down on me? And I went and it's interesting the way you described them that yours was letting go of somebody that wasn't working for you that wasn't a good thing. And so you were letting go of something that was not the best anyway to live a better life from where is from me. I felt like while I was already living

08:48 Positive life and now I'm still getting this horrible disease and I and I still have to lose what I was before even though it was a good thing. So that's what's really baffling. I think for a lot of people when they're handed to disease that did not come from bad behavior or bad choices. Then you wonder wall why?

09:08 All Chris, you know for me the two big things alcoholism and polycystic, kidney.

09:15 Alcoholism was partly my choice and I've come to understand that. The reason I was an alcoholic was a combination of things a predisposition to addiction my screwed-up childhood and not to blame mom for everything put all of those things had an impact on it. But at the end of the day it came down to my choice to pick up the drink and go for that instant gratification. And for a long time at work policy has two kids and he was a genetic disorder. So I wasn't by choice either and on the little farm we filled out at the beginning of this. I left the religion thing. Like I almost thought about doing that to go even though by profession. I'm a church organist and I've been a professional Church Minister for

10:15 40 years I the thing that I had to give up on I guess this is the long way around to my point about your quandary about you lived a good life. So why aren't you being rewarded and believe me? I felt the same way when you got the cancer diagnosis. I'm like, this is my Kidney donor. You know, how dare you give her cancer, but you know the other understanding that I have chosen to give up on his I don't believe in puppet master god, I don't believe in I Dream of Jeannie God and I have come to the conclusion that

10:58 God is not a being or entity of any description.

11:03 And God doesn't exist in a realm somewhere.

11:09 That it's a little closer to maybe what the Eastern philosophies believe about God being a universal presents that is within us and around us and I almost felt so good. I just that's the only way I can you know, because the Christian

11:31 Idea of this God entity this this white-haired old man on a throne just doesn't work and for that very reason because of the fact that that implies that somebody is in charge and somebody is making decisions and deciding you're going to get cancer and you're going to have an easy life and you're going to be rich and you're going to be poor and the more I look at that the more I think it's bullshit that there's just no way that that can be the reality of God, but I still believe that there is a power greater than ourselves.

12:10 And I believe that.

12:15 Everything is as it needs to be.

12:20 From the Grandeur perspective for me to understand because I think I kind of felt the same way and it's money. Like I said, I almost didn't put religion down to just because since I really kind of walked away from it quite a while ago and that was more to do with the politics of behind-the-scenes not necessarily that I didn't enjoy my religion. I know I certainly did and I grew up definitely, you know immediately into Catholicism and I enjoyed that I got very involved as well and did a lot of really fun things and had some really amazing experiences. But then as I got older the people that were involved I got to know more behind-the-scenes and thought this is not what I want to be associated with this is no longer the religion that I recognized as a child even growing up it became something so politicized and so, you know power-hungry and and then all the other stuff that's going on.

13:20 The Catholic church that I don't agree with and so it became a situation where I felt I needed to just walk away so that I can retain some sense of Faith still separate from that no longer the organized in the particular Church religion, but just something that is still within me and that's the thing. I hold onto I think still today, but again that bigger question of just why and I certainly never

13:46 I would say and I said this over and over again from the very beginning. I would never expect that. I wouldn't get something. I'm going to have to dive something someday. I'm obviously something is going to happen to me, but you don't ever expect cancer, man. And that's the thing is it I'm not saying that I didn't expect that. I might get cancer because my family definitely has it. Although my immediate family. Nobody has it. It's my aunt and uncle doll from my mom's side of the family that had cancer from some sort. So I actually thought maybe we were that little boy in the center that it skips a generation and we don't get it and since nobody else in my family immediately my brothers and sisters or mother or father ever. Got it. I thought okay, I should be good. And so it was just such a surprise and such a shock because I just wasn't expecting it and it's not like I say, it's not because I didn't think that

14:38 I would ever get something or that I was somehow the great person immune to everything and would never deserve anything and it's that's the thing is that I think I disagree with what you were saying. Is it I don't feel like I'm some

14:53 Amazing special person. That doesn't get the same thing. Everybody else does I still get the flu? I still get cold. I still get everything out. So why wouldn't I get any other disease? It's just that you just never expected. And so even though you know in your mind that you're not immune to anything you don't expect it until it actually happens and so on and they finally said the words you have cancer. I was like, oh my God, I never thought I would hear the words and even the joke I made to about how when I would drive bike is my doctor's office is not very far from the cancer center that I'm going to almost every day now and every time I drive by this boy, I hope I never have to go there and then sure enough and sew in in yet, you know going to that particular place the doctors and nurses and everybody there have been wonderful.

15:40 And it is certainly have taken good care of me. I don't say anything negative about the place itself. It's just that I wish I didn't have to go there.

15:49 I think we've had you know, I guess if there's a Flipside to any of this.

15:54 With both the kidney transplant and now your cancer treatments.

16:01 We both had really good experiences. UCSF was amazing professional and Cancer Treatment Center here in Fresno is phenomenal and just the simple just the one thing that they do that nobody else. Does they have a financial Advocate that phone dealing with our insurance company?

16:27 Hallelujah. Amen. I mean one of those extra worries. You don't want to have to think about when you're going through cancer is IG, how am I going to pay for this and especially as both self-employed?

16:41 Individuals because you're a musician and I'm an artist. There's not a regular paycheck. We're having to know we make my money to be able to have a house and to do all the things that we need to do. But when things like this come around you're just a place we were wiped out from two and a half years ago with the kidney transplant that took all of my savings to pay for that plus all the fundraisers we had on top of it for my wonderful friends who helped us out. And so that was great. We're able to pay for everything but now we had nothing for yet another medical Christ.

17:16 And in for me it was yeah. I know that I appreciate that. You're trying to be on top of those things and I really appreciate that up. C-care has that Financial person to take care of those things, but it doesn't mean that leaves my mind know until my first love come up with the money. My thoughts are like a great now. I have another thing that's going to rob us of being able to even further our careers because now not only the fact that I'm going to the chemo so I can't do anything.

17:43 But then also any money we had started to set aside to rebuild our life again after the transplant to further our careers. Now, that's all being swallowed up Yeah by everything with the cancer and I feel doubly guilty. I think that's the other thing that I felt is not only the fact that crap I have cancer but also then crap I'm taking money away. That would have been four things for us to further her career. And that's something that I feel guilty about every day. But at the same time I realized just like we went through with your kidney transplant, obviously Our Lives come first and so it's just, you know, we have to figure out how to save our own life cuz then we don't have a career beside that anyway, even if we die, it's either so I got to save ourselves first.

18:32 The

18:34 You know for us it's it's the double hit of having a medical crisis.

18:42 As well as that being a severe financial crisis and I think more people experience that than we really realize cuz people, you know people with even good jobs right now are struggling if they have a medical crisis. Yes. Absolutely. I think that you know, I have been here with all of my latest music projects. I've been able to be unbelievably Frugal. I mean look at how many free instruments of fallen into my hands and the last several years and I would have never thought to go to eBay.

19:26 To buy musical equipment but necessity was the driver that I couldn't just go down to the local music store and buy brand new equipment. I just had to find something that was going to work and I even design my most recent music project more or less around what I already owned so that I could put something out there that was interesting and make it happen. What's funny? I remember when we were meeting with UCSF for the transplant.

20:00 And when we first told him her to actually when they were first talking to me in as a donor and asked me what I did for a living and I said, I'm an artist and they said no so you're self-employed. Yes. Okay, so then they immediately started we talkin about financial help and thank goodness. It did they were able to give me a good Grant and all that other thing that helped out with some of the cost, but the other thing that I always clean too and I had repeated before with other friends that are also in the creative Industries is that uses have they said we know we've always when we work with people who are individually employee who are artists creative people. We've always been amazed at how resourceful they are.

20:40 And that somehow they always make it happen to make it work and I thought yeah, that is true. I mean we always because I think as

20:48 Needed by Nature when you're an artist of any type you have to be resourceful to survive because you can't nobody can afford to get unless you're already wealthy to begin with you can't afford to get all the great equipment and supplies that you would love to have or even have a big Studio or anything like that.

21:08 Because you just can't afford it. And so you have to be resourceful in the first place. I mean my studios in my house just like yours is because we can't afford to have a separate facility and I'm kind of appreciative that's in our house because I know that any moment I can get up and just walk across the hall and go to my studio and work and I've liked that previously anyway, because then we had our dog so I can just come in and visit and I was there and major huge commute, you know, if I wanted to work until 5 a.m. In the morning, I could go to sleep after that or if I woke up in the middle of night with an idea. I could just walk right over to my studio and work and I appreciated that and so even that's maybe not the best situation would be great to have a big studio somewhere and both both of us. I think it ends up being more convenient for us to have it at home.

21:57 And then the thing is because we're both without and it was just the two of us our house without kids. Most of our house is just our Studios and we have her bedroom and the kitchen and that's it. And there's no problem with that because you know where the houses of works, but we have to continue to work.

22:23 We know the other thing that I was thinking about is it in between sandwich both between the transplant and between now my cancer we both lost our moms and that was really an interesting thing because I don't feel like I've really gotten to grieve about my mom yet cuz it was so soon after like couple weeks later that I found out I had cancer and so I didn't really get a chance to even just sit with the fact that OG. My mom is gone now and what all that means, you know, it's just it's been a roller-coaster because I've been I went through the the shock of when she passed being there with her and everything and then going through and helping my family put the funeral together and all that happening and then right afterwards finding out I had cancer so it's I just I don't know what there's going to be at some point in time in the future that when I finally get past this round that I'll just crumble and realize that you know so much has changed in the last year.

23:20 How about you with your mom again? I think I had a head start on you because

23:28 My mom being who she was.

23:31 I really never had her as a mom.

23:36 You know, she was off practicing her dalliances with other men my whole life. And so she was never really home. She was never really a mom and when she tried to be a mom.

23:53 It was more about maintaining some kind of narcissistic control over her son.

24:01 And so

24:05 And you know that for a long time I tried to somehow Salvage that and turn her into a mom and it was never going to happen, but

24:17 Yeah again, I kind of got a head start on her on you when you know the day of the surgery.

24:25 You were in the operating room long and I was starting to panic and our friends that were with me.

24:36 Work comforting me and my mother tried to use that opportunity to manipulate the situation and finding out how she could take control of that situation and make it all about her.

24:50 And that was the day she was dead to me. That was a moment. It snapped in your browser moment. It snapped in my brain, but she had no other interest in life than controlling everybody and everything and that she was simply incapable of being a nurturing person of any kind. Just wasn't in her and I had to accept that it just wasn't in her wasn't who she was and so any real grieving I did was

25:23 Then really yeah about now good year-and-a-half before she died.

25:30 Mannitol and then of course she died because of her own vanity. So and it's

25:37 It's

25:40 The loss happened along before she was actually gone.

25:47 And so by the time she actually died. I had already forgiven her Let It Go.

25:54 Someone with came time to do her funeral. I had no problem bringing the organ in and playing beautiful music for it. Still think it was her sister the eulogy she put together. This is the thing she would have said because she never did say any of those things. You never did actually say that she appreciate it or thank anybody here or appreciated what anyone did for her and she was always just to know the motive. Give me give me give me give me give me and you I deserve it. I deserve it I deserve it. And so she never stopped to actually think anybody or think that they deserve thinking and so I thought that was just really clever how your aunt her own sister put together all this is what she would have said and I thought well that's interesting. She died at 78th and by that time everybody around her knew who and what she wants.

26:54 And I were living in a bubble thinking that where are we the only ones you recognizing how awful she is and then when the story start coming in when she was in the hospital like was okay. I guess she is more obvious to other people and it was kind of a relief actually because I really thought I was just thinking bad about her and I didn't want to be the only person thinking that and he had a lot of that was based off of my personal observations, but then also things that you told me some over the years and ways that she treated you and so it made it very difficult to relate to her. And so once I start hearing those stories from other people that were even closer to where I thought okay, I'm not stupid and weird. This is this is real. She is this person that does not a good person. So people like the only fool others for short. Of time. That's why she always had a constant parade of new people in her life, and she always had to have

27:48 Health complete control over the people close to her cuz that's the only way she really felt right about herself. She had to be in charge and a purse.

27:57 She wanted so badly to be in charge of everything around the kidney transplant and

28:04 The fact was even if she had been.

28:10 The type of person that could have done well with that situation it's still would have been inappropriate because she was too old and she was partially handicapped at that point was not going to be able to not have family caregivers. They said that accept a rule and policy that you did not have actual family members be caretakers because they're too emotionally involved and they can't make decisions, you know based on fact she thought I was lying when I said she called UCSF and a half. But so yeah, and again I have to say again over and over for me that whole situation for the reason why it felt like everything was running so smoothly and because we were so fortunate with all the friends that we had that came forward immediately and said they wanted to help us out and so

29:09 When we had to do that list of who are caretakers are going to be in that was a long list because I wanted one person only or two people for driving to people for caretaking two people for there's two people that you know, running errands all the things they want to make sure that you were to be well taken care of cuz I don't want to perform a transplant and then have it go bad because you haven't gotten the care. So when we had to compile that list, but everybody had already come forward all of our friends saying they want to be a part I was like, okay. Well now I can look at this person. I just called him and say hey, would you be willing to do this for me and Tony and and they said you have a lien so it was really quite easy to put that list together and then when it came to specifically caretakers two things

29:57 Not even realizing that some of our closest friends were Professionals in the field until we ask them that question. And so then we're able to put down that here. We have somebody who is going to be a caretaker. That's a certified caretaker and somebody who's a certified social worker and here's you know, and then our to our top two caretakers that took care of us right after the transplant were Alan and April Lane Strat who had just gone to that same procedure themselves only a few years earlier. So it's just amazing that they were able to be there for us and I knew exactly what we're going through they were able to sense what we needed and everything and so I think it died while I know it did because when you say is have called me and said what they were really impressed with our list and they actually of course call everybody individually and ask them. Are you absolutely ready to do this? And everybody said Yeah, we're definitely said so they were really pleased with with our caregiver.

30:54 Group of friends in NH. And again now courses as I'm going through this ordeal with cancer. Our friends are coming forward again and you know helping out with emotional support.

31:11 And financial support giving to our GoFundMe campaign and giving to know doing the fundraisers again and stuff like that. So I I am so grateful for all of that. I think that might be the only thing that's kind of keeping me together at this moment.

31:26 But it's just amazing.

31:30 I think especially in the artistic Community you really have.

31:35 Fellow creative to understand how difficult it is to get through things like this and they pull forward and again funny thing about, you know, putting together fundraisers. We all of our friends are instant performer, you know, they are people who are in the theater and singers and musicians and stuff. So it's it's not like we have to suddenly find people who can do this. These are people who all are friends already do this to begin with so amazing Your Friends School

32:07 I think the

32:11 Nothing in this in last 3-4 months.

32:15 Since December when we found out that he did have lymphoma.

32:21 Hand

32:23 Here's the thing that worries me is how hard this is hit you.

32:28 Dad

32:32 It really

32:36 I don't know how I want to say this because

32:42 I know you are a very very strong person.

32:47 But at the same time I've never seen you break down as hard as you have.

32:52 What does

32:54 Like I said, it's pulling a rug out from under me and he thought I had it what I was before. This is gone.

33:04 Now, I'm still an artist. I still want to be involved in art and I still want to enjoy life but

33:10 There's that over shadowing right now of.

33:16 The fact that my life is never the same and

33:21 The constant worry of is this going to come back every time I have to go through the blood tests and pet scans in the future. Now, I'm going to be laying on the table one ring on my God, please no cancer. Please do cancer and there's always that fear, you know, it was never real.

33:37 As it is now and when it's like I said way I described it some the last pet scan. I just did Tuesday this week that

33:46 On the table was just all these images in my head flooding in of all the movies you've ever seen of cancer patients and realizing that I'm leaving it while I haven't watching her friend. Do I look for him? And I haven't watched any feelings, but we had watched them previously because there's that one that you particularly love the 50/50 and we wash it with you change time to do you like to watch it too often? And now of course, I was going to just come into my head while you're laying there having to be quiet and still in the pet scan machine and sew

34:20 You know, it's that kind of thing of

34:23 Now I'm leaving that and and now I don't have that Assurance of GM.

34:29 I'm taking care of myself eating well and exercising and I'm healthy not anymore, even though I was doing those things.

34:37 And now I know I have cancer and I'm hoping to get through this first bout but how soon when will it come back again? And that's the Dark Cloud but that I have to get used to now and hopefully Let It Fade Into the background so I'm not thinking about it constantly. I think you know, honestly it is very hard because it's right now it's my present right now, but I'm hoping that once I get past this and am in remission that as years go by and as my hair grows back as my taste buds, come back all the things come back that maybe it'll go further for the back into my mind. So I'm not thinking about it everyday.

35:22 And I only have to think about it when I have to go into test or something, but

35:27 I don't know yet. It is so new. I'm still grappling that right now.

35:35 Well, of course, the only thing I can say is from my own experiences that

35:41 When I first got the kidney because they they put it down around.

35:48 My Belt Line and I really can't wear belts anymore.

35:53 And so I didn't tell me that cuz I didn't know hun.

36:05 You know that made me just fiercely aware all there's somebody else's kidney in my belly keeping me alive. And at any moment something could go wrong and I've met people of course who had had that exact thing happened to him. I'm at several people that have three kidney transplants because the first two failed within a year

36:31 And of course, we've met a lot of people that I've had them for 10 15 20 30 years.

36:40 You never know. It felt like a dark cloud for a long time for about the first six months. It really felt like a dark cloud. So then you know what? I'm feeling. I know what you're feeling. I know absolutely what you're feeling.

36:53 But it doesn't have to be a dark cloud.

36:59 It can you know cuz there's an old saying no news is good news, right? And I know that sounds flippant right but it's true and for me and if I wake up and I'm not feeling pain, kidney side the scar has become all inflamed all the things that they tell you that might happen if two lines are ejected or if I'm not getting any ill and I see my blood test results which are every 3 months and I always go. What's the GFR and if that's good then I know I'm okay.

37:41 And I'm okay right now and at the end of the day, that's all we got right now. Now the thing is again, it's just adjusting to The New Normal and not having had any health problems up until now.

37:59 And now I have a whole host of them cuz it's not just a cancerous also with liver having problems and other things are you do everything big?

38:09 Parents decide to become a full-time artist you quit your job, even though we really weren't in a financial place to do it. And then your first surgery ever was a nephrectomy to donate a kidney and you didn't just give it to me you had to donate into the larger exchange pool. So that more lives could be saved. Well, I was your match you are my match, but you could have just given me a kidney. That's why I said well, is there still a chance that you could get a better? Kidney that way and they said yeah even closer than mine. So that's why we went with that sure, but and I again those are all pluses. I felt like I was doing something good in the world.

38:57 It was here a healthy person. I'm donating the kidney that not only gives to help you get a kidney but then ends up helping all these other people get kidneys to that was all great. So even though I was facing surgery a major surgery, it was not even a concern because I'm thinking I'm doing something good and even if I die on the table, I'm doing something good. But now it's hard to see surviving cancer or something good.

39:24 Because all indicators are you going to survive this?

39:28 I don't think it's the surviving part. That's not the good thing. It's just that the fact that now I'm a cancer patient. I have forever will be somebody who had cancer. I might not ever be able to donate ever again because I have cancer and because I'm always going to be somebody who is

39:48 Somebody who had cancer, you know, you walk through those forms that they have you fill out every time you go to any doctor in a second. This he would let nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Now. I've got a whole bunch of things I have to work.

40:01 And that's the thing that again it's the relinquishing of what I was before which was the healthy person that seem to be more Carefree about life because I didn't have any major health issues. And now that I do and forevermore have that over my head. It's no longer a Carefree existence is no longer a situation where I feel like I'm the healthy person that can help other people now. I'm also a sick person.

40:29 And that's the hardest thing to give up is that no longer feeling like I can just contribute to the world now. I'm part of a Burton.

40:39 I'm somebody who also has problems that is draining the system and causing issues. And you know, I'm just glad that we didn't have any kids for so many reasons previously, but even more now because both with us having our health issues those would have been things that would been passed onto the kids will forever have dogs and fish.

41:04 Which is okay, but I mean, I think

41:11 I'll finish that. Okay, I think that because you were a donor.

41:18 And you donated in the biggest way possible?

41:22 You paid your dues?

41:24 You're not a burden you paid for it.

41:28 Thanks.