Amari Allen and Trenette Gresham

00:01 Good morning. My name is trenette Gresham. I am 25 years old. Today is Wednesday, February 12th, 2020 will located in Chicago, Illinois. I am interviewing Amari Allen and she is my friend.

00:18 Hi everyone. My name is Amari Allen. I am 20 years old. Today's date is Wednesday, February 12th, 2020. We are located in Chicago, Illinois. I am an interview with trenette Gresham my friend.

00:34 All right, we're going to start with the first question. And the first question is going to say when was the last time you cried and why the last time I cried?

00:50 Was my friend's death anniversary last week, you know, it always gets sensitive around that time. So I'll let some tears fall. How about you? The last time I cried was on the $6 because it was a year anniversary that my grandma has passed away. So I just always cry.

01:15 Can you tell me about a person who has been the kindest to you and your life?

01:23 A person that's been kind to me my whole life. I think I've been kind to myself. You know. Everybody's always kind I Rise always mean but intentions might not be good or whatever the case may be hard to understand that.

01:45 If you could give advice to a teenage version of yourself, what would it be?

01:50 Advice don't be in a rush to grow up. Like I couldn't wait to turn 18 to just say I'm grown. I'm grown. We talkin to watch about little girl. I'm grown. So I would probably say don't be in a rush to grow up because when I was younger my grandma used to joke around with me and be like, oh it is so hard being the kid ain't it? And I was like, I don't get it like so now I do get it.

02:19 What about can you tell me about one of the most difficult times that you can remember?

02:27 I think the most difficult time was when I was experiencing homelessness and going from couch to couch not knowing like where I was going to sleep at. That was like the most difficult point in my life.

02:43 Especially like maybe in the winter cuz it's cold like like in the summertime people can probably survive a little bit better than surviving out in the cold cuz me I don't like to go against what would you say your future hold?

02:59 I think my future husband great things. I got a lot in store for me. I just have to execute the plan and get through like the obstacles on the way there cuz it's a motion keep pushing forward.

03:16 Who has been the most influential person in your life? And what did they teach you? Of course granny you everything keep a job. She told me to keep a job keep some money. Although I'm having difficulty with the keeping money part, but I'm doing good love with my priorities or whatever and yep. She's definitely.

03:43 Now she can just teach me how to keep a man.

03:47 Got to be just I have my life together.

03:53 I don't know.

03:57 What does your future hold?

04:01 I'm so right now currently going through divorce. So in the future party divorce party, I plan to get my kids in a better school in system like out of Illinois. I want them to go somewhere where they have a good schooling system learn. That's pretty much what I'm looking for it into my future just get maybe a better job living comfortably while I don't have to struggle paycheck-to-paycheck. Like I'm doing now long as I'm able just to survive and Mike it make my kids happy as I really care about and do you think that Illinois itself has best schooling or is it just Chicago, Illinois like outside maybe just Chicago cuz like I mentioned earlier I was in Champaign and they had a better school in system. Like they took the time they had they did one-on-one with each student and

05:01 They had like maybe three teachers in one classroom vs. Yuno hear you got teachers going on strike want to get lesser kids in the classroom. And I I know I get it that is hard that they don't get too. They can't keep an eye on every kid at one time or whatever but some well as a better like I know what my kids will be getting the education. I've heard a lot about Chicago schooling since I have moved here. I didn't reside in Chicago throughout grade school. I attended Evanston Township High School and in Evanston, the education was made around your talents. They were trying to broaden like the span of like what we're going to do in school. So just like Fine Arts would we had like computer technology classes? We had Music Theater wire, right? We were taught to play guitars all that.

06:01 In just for us to really pick and I think that was the most like impactful part from that high school that when I came in Chicago and I started to talk about the classes that were offered to us. We even had like a child development. We had home economics. We had swimming we had tried we had all types of different activities for people and when I came to Chicago it was stated that they don't even have like Child Development classes, even though teenage pregnancy is very high. They don't even offer those classes also with the classrooms the number students in one classroom and all that and you know what Chicago being like such a big place you would think that we were at least have enough money to support our education, of course and for the Youth that's coming.

06:54 Considering they always asking for money as well to my taxes.

06:59 Next question

07:03 Do you remember any songs your parents used to sing to you when you were a kid? And would you be comfortable singing one for me?

07:14 I'm not singing but a song that my grandma used to play was all coming back by Celine Dion. She said plastic by my singing it. I ain't as good as her.

07:32 Yeah, I song.

07:34 I want comfortable with that one.

07:37 If you can change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? I would say maybe being raised by like more having my mom more involved. Like I have my grandma she was consistent but I was always wondering like why is my mom not around? Where is my mom? What is she doing? And I don't feel understand what was in the streets that was more important than your kids but it's maybe it's not for me to remember it. Maybe it's not for me to understand. So just go with that and say maybe she just should have been around more like my grandma was around. She was my mom cuz she had me since I was a kid, but I always was just felt like I was missing that love for my mama's so but as we sitting here talking right now, we have so much in common cuz I was raised by my grandma as well. I always sad and don't have

08:37 Parents, like my mom is an addict and father is just not in my life. And as a child, I do remember I always thinking like why she not here for me. Like it felt we are going to school and when parent-teacher conference come up, you know ya Grandma couldn't make it all the time cuz you know Grandma's older older she have to come up with more money to take care of me and my father's sibling. So it was like really hard growing up as a child cuz you look around you see everyone happy with their parents and like my prom came around, you know, their parents go out for them and like my grandma she did what she has to do for me. Like I got my was real old school with the promise. You have to find $150 dress girl, who is Ben if I don't know I'm just getting my dress made but but yeah what my what is my mom like when I was younger? My mom my Grandma will tell me like my mom. She didn't really care about us or whatever. I started kind of seeing it when I was older, but I didn't want to accept

09:37 I kind of wanted to make her be involved in my life, especially considering my other siblings and stuff with being like rude to her. So I don't you want to come around me or whatever, but I'll do I would say I appreciate her for a place in me somewhere. Well, they cared about me like they didn't she could have gave me to anybody scared of his people are headed to just get a kids up and show him a garbage and do all type of stuff. I do love her. I don't have no hatred. I just always was like

10:12 I would rather have been around more like now that she's trying to be around like I feel like I owe you bossing me around and I feel like I get upset real fast because I'm like, you don't even know me like stop trying to tell me what to do and I'll be wanting to tell her but I'm trying to be respectful if you want to be my mom. You should have been my mom when I needed you to be my mom. I'm kind of I'm an adult now your mom yourself now, right? Imma adult like I get that I'm always need learn learn stuff, but I want to learn on my own. I want to learn from our mistakes all I know not to do that no more. I learned it on my own and you get a better you feel better and get a better understanding of what you trying to do when you learn on your own like it. Do you know like your mom tell you you can probably nine times out of 10 you do it again right when you said yourself you go through it and you would like I'm not doing that again. So I agree with that a lot of people you have to

11:12 Learn from your own mistakes in order to grow from them because someone can tell you that there is a a wall right there that you're about to run into but if you don't see a while yourself until you hit that wall, you know, you not going to realize it if it takes it takes time. But like you can't rush learning something because you might miss over few things and then you have to go to that same learning experience again, just so you can cash that one part that you missed the first time.

11:49 So how is it being a mother and like your mom knowing that your mom wasn't present in your life. Like how does that make you feel now as a mother? Well, it makes me feel like I just want to love them more. Like I feel like it's giving me this over for texting love like I don't never want to put them to feel that I'm not around while I'm not able to care for an had a lot of difficulties in my life. I had like two halves why they have to go live with others and that just didn't sit well with me like even though it was family members and like I said, I feel do not be good. I don't get no genuine this feeling from from a person. I like what kind of like fall back on them and it won't be more so up there maybe more so of me because I think it how I am but as far as being a mother I will stay I like I like it. I don't get tired of those like never get on.

12:46 I know I will say I need a break sometime. But other than that like

12:53 Is it what it is affecting me with my mom not being around. It just makes me like like when I said I need a break. I don't get that break. Like I'll send them away with my mom, So I might not be calling them every hour. What are they doing? What it is? They find what they okay, but I'll talk to them while I always let them know. I'm always be here for you. I love you guys, though. They just hyper I enjoyed spending time with them though. I wish I was probably should have waited until I was a little more stable but

13:30 Things happen

13:36 Is there any is there anything you never told me what you wanted to tell me now.

13:44 I miss you. I tell you that safe, but I haven't seen you in a while. I've been working out how usually be off on Tuesdays. I've been working on my Tuesday's Mondays when I get back in the house and taking the kids home like 11 is how come so fast. I don't even be able to like to come back and get back in motion. I like being down there when I'm not down. I feel like I'm missing stuff. I don't want to be down there either. I work a lot now like 13 hours a day only for my birthday girl cuz I got to make sure I put that money back in my savings, you know, yeah.

14:29 Put down there.

14:31 Call down there down there. We are meaning the drop-in center located on 55th and Indiana and that is a drop-in center is for you. So I'm already going to tell him what this program consists of sure. We are we were here Educators at ignite which is like a program for homeless youth. The drop-in center is pretty much a place where homeless youth can go to reach out and get resources like hygiene packs. They can they have access to a case manager access to housing vouchers in ETC. It's really just like a second home for a lot of people is very close in.

15:22 A very safe space. I guess they space no judging. No bad vibes. I feel like everyone who comes down there comes down there because they know it's a place where they can be themselves and comfortable and be comfortable yet. And we we have just a lot of like good conversations with different people trying to spread awareness about different things looking for ways that we can build Chicago up from where it is now cuz you can be in a bad mood and people like me who plays who must have had got to make you feel better. I'll make you have a good day. Don't come down that far out don't come to the drop-in frowning and think you could not going to leave while I'm not going to make you smile cuz I am that's my goal. Laugh. You can laugh at one of my jokes.

16:10 Are we just hired bring Good Vibes good energy because a lot of people are going through so many things and I don't think that the homeless youth population Chicago is like it's not talked about enough. It's not really like a really big topic out there right now, cuz the media is distracting us for all types of blackberry. So, you know, if we just talked about in drop-in center to like the other clients, I feel like they spread awareness is well outside of the drop-in center. I think we've done a great job would Outreach in and trying to help people cuz they even people around our own ages people younger than us, you know, they they have the mindset that a person in the case manager position as they have the mindset of somebody who can read so many places, but they just have to be told and reminded that they are somebody in there such a

17:10 Jason doesn't make them.

17:18 A memory from your life forever. Which would it be essay?

17:25 I memory forever that's a horrible. I have a lot of me that I'm already holding onto forever. I guess I would say the memory that I will hold on to is when I was I turned 18 and you know when you don't want to go to school old school parents if you had to work or go to school and get out my house, so I was working but it was like I was working at Soldier Field and made whenever the events, that's when I work so I can work if they don't have any event and my grandma I wasn't understanding that I can't just go. Hi. I'm going to sit in the class and I'm at school. I'm about to get I'm out of high school now. I'm starting College. I didn't go right away and September so I have to wait till January and she just thought I was just around here just doing nothing. She threw me out and she was standing on it like

18:19 You have to get outs but I must say that was my most favorite memory because it's helped me to grow up a little bit because I was so focused and depending on her right even now with her being gone. Like I'm still like how I wish my grandma was here, but this and that, so I guess that was to try to get me to realize that once I'm gone you going to still have to move on, you going to still have to live life. So it was like a flow a good thing and a bad thing. Like I was used to being with her stuff. I didn't want to be out in the outside. I didn't know where I was going or what I was going to do. So I just like stay with friends and stuff, but it taught me some responsibility. So I guess that was most favorite memory. I never forget it. I know that

19:10 I'm going to ask you what what lessons have you learned from your relationship. Are you in a relationship at the moment? I am single but what I have learned from my past relationship, I learned a whole lot. I've learned that even if you don't try to make someone changed you can't expect them to want to change like I have a think we're like, I don't ask nobody to change yourself. I feel like if you want to be with me and you know my expectations you going to make yourself fit them expectations, but I've learned that if people don't want to change they're not going to change people get stuck in a ways out to talk. Can I tell you what I learned about trying to change people they only going to change if they want to change if they doing it for you. It ain't going to last like they doing it.

20:10 So, please you so it's not going to last cuz once they get tired they not going to do it. No more. They got to want to do it for them self. I did that with my husband kept trying to I seen potential in him, but he obviously didn't see it in himself. Like he didn't even try to change like nothing. So we're going through divorce now and now he wants to try to change. It's too late like you like I keep telling him you got to want to do it for yourself. Don't do it for me like you, you know, you can do so much more and have so much better potential. Why don't you want to do it? I just don't understand. Like I said, everything ain't for me to understand right and then they want to wait till you like actually gone and to actually move on to feel like I've changed and it's not even all about you change. It's about you growing. It's about you going mentally I can talk and you can do better write maturing and you hit that Mom when you're actually grown man, but you know, some people have their own definitions of what a grown man.

21:10 Is so you ain't grown. Because people like me when I Was Eighteen I'm grown grown way have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out. But I was so grown way to say I was grown people in my family when I was younger for one. They always used to say you think you grown actually I did I'd really didn't know I was quiet I didn't say is they fault that I I am the way I am and they just can't handle me. So that's that's on them. Y'all be with me. I was quiet. I just do not say nothing people used to talk smart to me and I go mumbling under my breath. You know, my auntie told me say what you want to say. They can say what they want to say to you anyway, and then when it when you say it they say, oh you talk too much all girl. I don't care. I'm going to say what I want then that's what you told me, please I've always said I was grown since I was like 16 and I felt this way because I was on my own I feel like you know, I'm at the point.

22:10 For everything I have I got to take myself to school. I don't have somebody to wake me up every morning with breakfast and I got to wake myself up make myself breakfast get myself ready to go. I was honestly in and out of my house at the time with my auntie. So I really thought I was grown. I feel like I could do anything I wanted to because if I'm out here working as hard as I was working to pay somebody rent to live or to pay right if I can do that, then I'm grow if I can move around I'm grown. If you could tell me to call Sue I'm growing it. Right so, you know, I always feel like I'm grown but now as an adult, I'm only 20 right now, but I've learned that like it take a lot more to be grown. This is just be working to just say I just sent me saying that you're grown it take a lot more. It takes like some send out a whooping your own behind when you're grown like you don't have

23:10 Somebody that always clap your hands away from stuff. You don't have somebody to always tell you don't go there because this is going to happen. You have to be that person to yourself. You have to discipline yourself to do the right things and to make what you feel is right moves, but you know sometimes what we think is right move might not always be but an adult thing is is realizing that you did make a mistake. But now we know better that that's not the way sending that it'll eat at you and that's not being graph like a sandwich or two like if you make a mistake and you feel like I can't do this because I didn't do it the first time for I like your voice. On yourself right now. I feel like we have so much power like that. If you doubt yourself, like even 10 years later you going to feel that same doubt that you felt 10 years ago when you said dang, I can't tie my shoe and Ever Since You Been by and velcro and croxson slip-ons.

24:10 Never going to learn how to tie your shoe cuz you told yourself. You don't know how.

24:22 In high school I had to really care for myself cuz like I was in cheerleading I was in a lot of activity and

24:37 Going to these activities being in plays and stuff. You see everyone around you have like they're finally bring the Roses balloons and stuff. And I know so many times I bought myself goes like cuz you know, I don't want to feel good to get out there before work or whatever. Right? And I would sometimes we leave school early those who sin by myself like nobody to even pick me up from where we were at, you know, try to find my way home having to walk or just catch the bus or sometimes like it'll be like maybe 10 in like the music T-shirt with see me outside and black. Thank you on the ride home and you know, I was accepted but like I always felt like I want to be a burden to nobody so most times I won't even turn down people trying to help me cuz I got so used to depending on myself.

25:33 High School, I also experienced a lot of depression and self isolation and all that because I I started to somewhat think I hated life for like, you know, it's no point in me being here because everybody has such good energy around them. They have that they have a family to go back home and see if they have support but I feel like I do not have an elephant or Friday, but it took a moment for me to really open my eyes and see that I had way more support than I knew I did I had way more love out there that I know I did. I thought that I was just in this by myself and see that thought alone that like poison my mind and pretty much made me black other people out and made me isolate myself, but the day that I open my eyes like

26:27 All that depression all of that stopped because I realize like this whole time. I've been the one telling myself like you can't talk to these people. You can't look for help. You can't reach out to people because people are going to just hug, you know, if you were just going to turn away from you, but that fear itself is what stopped me from a lot of things in high school.

26:55 So Take 5 minutes to tell me your life story the best you can life story. Okay. Well, I'm going to start playing when I was younger. Like I said, my mom wasn't around my grandma. My grand parents was the only ones who had me. So as I grew up, that's all I knew my grandparents and I kind of was say I'm going to say that I got I'm misunderstood by a lot of people because I think differently I guess like things that people think or is make sense to them is probably irrelevant to me and not that I don't care about what you going through but it's like kind of irrelevant because I've been so used to like just getting through stuff on my own. So I feel like I know that's not a big deal. It's a big deal to you, but it's not a big deal to me.

27:51 But I'm just going to say that I misunderstood and I'm also say I got this wall up. Like I got this big defense mechanism wall up against people and I don't know why I like a lot of people that I I figured that was my friends or like even my family. So once I see them cross me, so it made me put up this wall. I used I used to have these times when people will play with me and I just will be so serious and be life Philly to to be keep getting mad when people joke with me, so I kind of like let the wall down and then people messed it up and then put it back up, but I'm trying to get that while back down. I'm not

28:43 I just want to be humble. I guess a little humble little person I care for a lot of people whether it's I care about what they got going on or what they doing are always kind of try to make sure that I can show people that I do care about them in.

29:01 Blow my kids got to kid's journey. And Giovanni journey is for Davannis to

29:10 They are a big part of my life cuz I have to deal with them forever my Grandad he is.

29:21 Still alive

29:23 Still doing the same stuff he's doing I was a kid going out partying. I guess that's a good thing.

29:31 I'll try to keep a job.

29:35 Try to love I don't know. That's my five minutes. Right? It's okay. That's 5 minutes right there.

29:43 Can you lymari tell me give me five minutes about 12.

29:52 Well

29:54 I am one of the four siblings.

30:01 I'm like the middle kind of childlike. I'm really spoiled. I like to give my way and

30:12 Oh, well, I already said this but my parents weren't in my life. So I was raised by my grandma from birth up.

30:22 I've been through a lot but I don't want that stuff to find me. I am a poet Amado. I tried to do a little bit of everything. Yo got to have multiple hats on what character like to act and

30:40 Life story

30:45 That's the reason I don't have no kids. Do you want to have kids in the future? I mean, I'm just kind of terrified at the whole aspect of like how the kids come into the world yet, but, you know every woman got to go through it or

31:03 Is meant to go through it, but right now I'm not thinking about no kids cuz I'm trying to make it at least the 21 with no kids first, you know, I ain't going to speak too much ahead. But I wanted to be 30 and have kids I wanted to really have be like my grandma. I want in my life cuz she was like the perfect role model. It seemed like she had nothing like no flaws. She might a lot. I don't know about them, but I wanted to be 30. She was a CNA until she retired. I'm I'm not a licensed CNA but I do home care about insane field. I don't really want to do stuff. She did like, I don't know. I just feel like I make myself my own role model only cuz everybody makes mistakes like and those people they leave until you ain't even the ones that you think is a flight that they learn from their own mistakes. They never really idolized another person.

32:03 Cuz when your eye like somebody else you trying to walk in someone else's footsteps. I feel like I'm not idolizing myself but walking just making sure I'm In My Own Lane in Walking In My Own footsteps at my own pace is what's going to give me to where I want to be because I've let a lot of people like affect my character. Like people have told me that I was cocky people tell me all types of stuff and I feel like that's their way of trying to give me down to level that they comfortable with me at but I misunderstood very misunderstood to talk to you or understand like stuff or like like like I was just saying like the reason you feel why you feel the way about different things that cuz they don't understand that they just got their own Mastodon it but instead of trying to look at it from both ways, right? There are plenty

33:03 Well, why don't you like red fish and blue fish is different. Like they don't they don't take the time to understand stuff like that. And it's like simple a big misunderstanding basically and I respect that like even if people don't understand me, I don't expect everyone to understand me because you haven't you haven't been with me my whole life. You haven't been here the whole time to experience what I've experienced. So you might you can't understand but you just you have to respect somebody's character before you try to degrade them and try to make them feel like they're bad person when really that person has came a long way in life and that person is actually happy with their right in life. I did I used to be like that like so caring about what people have to say to me now, I don't give a damn what they say. I don't care what you think you can say, whatever you can say to me and stuff to me. I'm probably going to just lie.

34:03 That It Cosmetics has attitude. I've already said that to myself. Anyway, you just don't know they make me look stupid came that all I just feel so dumb. Like I'm at this point in my life where I like if it don't apply, Let it Fly and it took me a long time to get that way.

34:22 But I will say.

34:26 And people tries to you know, they tried to point out other people's flaws and all that stuff because they think they

34:36 Because they think they should not going to spank shit is shit is still on spank. So okay, you can point out all the flowers about me. Guess what you going to still have them flowers. You're going to stay out of skeletons in your closet when you cry he going to still have them demons in that closet to get over it like stop trying to find out everything about people just be like that and that probably makes them feel good about how well your she still thinks right? That's how I feel. I just want like everyone to just like before you try to label someone you need to let that person to find themselves. Like you can't Define somebody else you can put stickers on somebody else for her labeling you as this and that because it's how I feel, you know, a lot of that is deflection from their own. Like you said, they own shit. They they try to deflect it on to you because they see something to use didn't see himself.

35:34 Make sure I don't want you to be this different person. But overall you just got to keep being you keep pushing for it. And I love when people save things or think they know what I'm doing or what I'm not doing and then you just come out the blue you don't even speak on his come out the blue like in for example my mom when I was like trying to find a place to stay with my mom was like, oh she ain't doing nothing. All she doing is sitting up all of that boy. I looked up I didn't even tell her I was getting a place and then I called her. Look. I'm in my apartment running your mouth thinking that I wasn't doing nothing for you to even know what I'm doing and I like it that like that let people think they know what they do if he's hungry underestimated. What you doing. Sometimes you got to do that because they might kill your goal what people put the opinions of your mind. That's really kill your gold your mass asking others for validation and they what they see

36:34 Somebody trying to do better for himself. A lot of people don't like that. They want you to stay where you at. They want you to stay on the same level as them so they could get ahead of you and I'm not asking for validation from nobody cuz Nana's house that attended people will be try me James on speaker. Nobody the people that I be asking for validation from I'm kind of headlight my sister. She always say stuff you want to do this you always wonder what is you change your mind too much and you don't have your mind made up. So what's the difference you today? You want to work at KFC tomorrow? You don't girl your man ain't made up either so frightened of what happens when your friend I made up so she liked all your mind is made up. I just want to do multiple things. I'm right, you know this and I'm going to do this for a second, but I had my mind made up when I was in high school. I had my mad that I won't get 7u00b0 I ain't got not one degree, but I got my mind and seven different parts and I'm going to get across all

37:34 Pause. Okay. I know that's right. Well.

37:42 Last question, I'm going to ask you Amari. If this was to be our last conversation, is there anything you want to say to me?

37:52 No girly just said enough of what I get. This is the last conversation. I know you well enough to say bye. I'm going to say if this was our last conversation with we both know it's not I'm going to tell you to keep pushing forward keep being you don't let nobody degrade your character because you are great how you are. Well, I guess I would say that this is the last time I'm talking to you are a great mother. I know that you are very hard-working you are determined and a lot of people just when they look at you from the outside. They don't see you. They just see how she's silly silly and you know, but they underestimate you and I the best person to visit people underestimate us we come out on top. Okay. Thank you Jeanette. Thank you.

38:52 Girl