Ashley Hilliard and Clint Hilliard

00:14 Hey.

00:24 Rites

00:26 So, my name is Ashley Hilliard. I am 32 years old. Today is Saturday June 26th, 2020 in Missoula Montana. This is baby cats.

00:41 Hopefully quietly and this is Clint Hilliard my husband.

00:50 Hi, my name is Clint Hilliard. I am 34 years old today is June 26th. 2020 Saturday, June 26th, 2020 of them here in Missoula Montana with my lovely wife Ashley, Hilliard.

01:09 And we are here. Yeah, either this conversation.

01:16 Hey, so what was your first thought?

01:28 I felt like that's pretty amazing. I'm like it was a real blessing that was a little in shock at first, but I also felt like

01:40 If some of that amazing can have three wonderful children and they all look to her and ask for guidance and for love and support that must be a pretty amazing mom.

01:55 Did any of that totally freaked you out? Cuz you never you don't have any of your own kids for a little bit at first like when I first saw you standing I think you had just Hendrix with you. You're a little boy down five year old. He was like three at the time and

02:13 So I was like, oh, how's it going? Everything just seemed really kosher and then the other two came along and I was like, holy cow. I was a little awestruck, but also just threaten my breath was taken away by the fact that she was such a wonderful mom and wonderful woman and I could just tell from the first like probably 30 minutes of our conversation, but it was somebody that I wanted to get to know more of

02:52 What was it like dating and getting remarried and then having a baby while in grad school?

03:00 The brass school wrestlers crazy doing that with kids dating you you were really flexible. And I think that you were a bachelor and you didn't

03:23 You're on parenting plan or your own like it was your own life and you had like a social thing going but it wasn't.

03:36 It was really nice that you were flexible that you when I was available to go out and to date you available.

03:47 And to the house so I could do homework while we were on a date and I felt like you understood and I could be chasing kids through the house and you jump I felt like it was easy that you were willing to be a part of our lives and that was such a huge opportunity for us.

04:15 To be able to blend it definitely consider. It really take all the different aspects of our lives and put it all together into one thing is is really amazing.

04:38 And then getting remarried and then having cash trying to juggle that while I'm thinking and if we can get through today together as a family and come out happy then I'm going to make it's going to be alright.

05:12 Going to be alright.

05:24 Orchids to dogs

05:29 Blended family

05:40 I remember I remember.

05:48 Finishing grad school and then I worked part-time. So what has that reversal been like for you?

06:15 In action, it's really different. What was that like for you?

06:19 I think from the beginning like the beginning when I started working full-time and helping while you were wrapping up school and stuff like that. I think it was a little overwhelming.

06:34 You're also very gratifying to be a part of something that was so like cohesive another we had our moments where things were just like added to the crazy cuz I was working probably way more than I should say, but

06:48 I think for the most part.

06:51 The gender like full reversal toward the end of our

06:57 I guess.

06:59 Mass School Mastery job switch

07:09 Realization for me how how much work really goes into being a parent? I think that being out being a parent who work full-time and getting up every morning and going to work and then coming home and having the opportunity to help with homework and to do those things are it's definitely a challenge, but I think

07:31 Especially with kind of what happened to Spring and how the children where all the kids were home, It was a different Dynamic. I was I was nervous. Like I just never said I was going to do a good job. I was nervous that I was going to be able to keep up. I was nervous that

07:53 I was trying to be able to parent and do kind of vs. Stay-at-home teacher dad with all kind of things that came into play as the

08:09 Finalization of your last full semester last you know, last fall was really coming to an end.

08:18 In a work at working with one thing, but I think realizing that how much work and effort and energy can go into being part of the family dynamic or being a full-time member of the family Dynamics really has changed my perspective on.

08:35 Just on stay-at-home parents in general not maybe just not not stay-at-home moms, but stay-at-home parents in general just a really understand that it's just a lot. It takes a lot of emotional strength. It takes a lot of energy. It takes a lot of willingness to be able to be flexible and to be able to be patient and kind and you all the things that you need to do in order to fill all those roles that may happen to you in the day. One day.

09:13 And dishes and laundry never ends. We don't even bring that up anymore cuz it's just part of our our normal life.

09:23 Never I don't think in the last three months. I've seen the washer without a load of laundry in it. So.

09:35 Yes, it is. I think the reward in gratification of just seeing your life continue to evolve and grow.

09:50 So what was your thought when I sold you that I was a recovering alcoholic?

09:56 You know, I

09:58 In my feels for Public Health

10:03 Working kind of peripherally with

10:06 Population that

10:09 Recovering from Las Vegas

10:11 You've been recovering and he's doing his best.

10:36 And so I didn't think much of it and then

10:44 I remember your first relapse I thought oh my goodness. This is this is what it means to be in recovery for your life. And and it just that first three laps really just kind of sent home to me how

11:06 How tender recovery really can be really amazing Stories don't ever feel the Temptation anymore. But we when you're living that when you're in that household at your you're watching that struggle, it's totally different experience.

11:32 And I think my major takeaway was that I always thought your heart you had a heart of gold and so even through the couple of relapse since that you've had its then.

11:49 There's been always a genuine effort and desire to be husband and to be a father and do support us.

12:02 And I certainly know that I make mistakes and even though addiction isn't part of the things that I struggle with. I know that there are things that I do that I saw I think that there's a willingness to accept

12:20 Text apps.

12:22 I Want Your Heart of Gold and if I weren't

12:28 Mother that you are part of it part of me as your as your wife and support you and I support you in making your own decisions and giving you the time and the distance.

12:49 Recovery because it's your recovery and I think that was hard for us for a while. And I don't know your recovery is your recovery, and it's

13:08 Like it's healthy for you to be able to navigate and do things on your own.

13:15 But it's been definitely it's been a learning process and it's been hard like I would be a huge liar. If I said that there haven't been on my gosh. I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore. But to be able to get up the next morning and go quick steer. And I I remember I after each relapse. I remember you when you get from that moment and you say I'm here I'm back. I'm here and how profound that it's just amazing.

14:00 Baby Staples

14:12 So what has your recovery?

14:17 Has your recovery been like as an instant super bonus got to three kids and then adding another kid.

14:25 And having a wife in grad school. I'm sure that

14:31 Trying to remain as stress-free as possible is definitely part of recovery and

14:38 Having 3 kids

14:41 Being instant Dad having another baby having a wife and crabs phone can't be around as much as

14:49 You know. Maybe another family that's definitely really stressful.

14:56 I think for me.

14:59 Recovery as a super bonus dad. I

15:07 Things that it's just become a realization that it's the pits been my life like

15:13 It's been.

15:15 An opportunity for me to grow not every day is going to be a perfect day. And I think when I first came into this relationship just as

15:30 Understanding what it was going to take to to be the father of three kids and

15:37 Do you now also while in recovery from alcohol is just one of the things that

15:46 I felt like would get easier with time. But in reality, I think it.

15:52 Made me have an understanding of just how difficult it can be to be a parent and hover boarding and can be to be a parent. But also how hard that the challenge is in the lessons that you learn each day from from each of your children than each of their personalities. And so I I guess when I was first coming into this relationship, I kind of felt like oh I would

16:19 Come and we would get married life would just kind of take on this like I don't know this nice smooth like role of butterflies and rainbows and all these things would start happening. But I think the challenges that were presented from trying to blend our family and trying to add another wonderful child to our little brood of kids and you know, we had another dog and all these things that added a whole nother Dynamic to just everyday life really presented its own unique set of unique challenges.

17:01 For me I was

17:06 Kind of business mindset.

17:09 I'd be able to manage everything and to do so just

17:14 Flawlessly, and I think that I was really just

17:19 Kind of drinking myself into believing that I could handle everything and not really understanding what it took to be a parent and I was hard. You know, I think when you have those expectations and they collide with how your reality is it can be very

17:42 Resentful, I guess in a way kind of.

17:47 Presents its own set of challenges for yourself. I know for myself that I was really I was hard on myself when I bailed or felt that I had failed at something for the day know if I wasn't able to speak to one of the children kindly or if I wasn't able to help them with something that I felt like they needed love and attention and guidance on hamburger all things to me that really just

18:15 In my own expectation of how I was going to handle it versus how it really played out really it really struggled. I really struggled to you grass.

18:26 A connection between the two

18:29 So I think it's been a learning experience but also a huge blessing in understanding that there's so much that I am able to do and so much to be grateful for and so much of my life that

18:44 Even when it's hard and presents its own set of challenges that there is a lot of reward that comes from it and I was getting up every morning and being able to see my family and to be a part of such a wonderful family and

18:58 To do that with such a wonderful person by my side is really just been a huge blessing and all of that.

19:11 General Dynamics

19:15 Felt like I was bothering a little bit.

19:21 So you can tell any mom doing hard things as a single mom or trying to finish school. What would you tell them?

19:33 This is something that I've thought about it a lot as I'm done hard things like why am I doing this? And and is there another way to do this? That isn't so hard. I think it's really important that everybody kind of asked that question everything that I've done in the last 5 years.

20:00 It's crazy that I was able to pack in so much in such a short amount of time.

20:14 I know I wouldn't have done it any different for myself because

20:22 I expected myself to be a good mom and I expected myself to be a good student and I expected myself to be a good wife and I have those expectations of myself.

20:35 And so I knew when I would I felt like I needed to do in order to meet those expectations and going back to school and getting my master's degree that was part of it was part of my expectations for myself and

20:50 I remember my mom saying would you with you if you were telling a friend about this, would you tell your friend to do this also?

21:00 Say no way.

21:04 Crazy, I would never ever tell somebody that this was like

21:08 The way to do it, but at the same time it was it was the only way to the only way to succeed I had to be able to provide for my family. I had to be able to have a game plan so that you know as a single mom at the time living in poverty.

21:30 I knew that I I needed a way out and that

21:35 You know just having a bachelor's degree in Missoula. Montana wasn't going to be enough to get out. I had to have more than that.

21:44 So I think every

21:46 Every mom every woman anybody doing hard things have to have to figure that piece out for themselves. What does it look like to be successful? And what does it look like to have expectations for yourself in the different roles that you play What's the bare minimum that you can do to meet those expectations? What's the most that you can do and stay sane and then recognize that you're not ever going to do it perfectly. I know I was really hard on myself for lots of different things for for being for over-committing and being away from my kids, and I'm from from you from being absent in the first year.

22:36 Knowing that I have not had the same amount of quality time during some of these really formative years.

22:43 Of my kids lives as I've been trying to prepare a better life for the future. I mean, I think that's really that's that sacrifice. That's that

22:54 We talked about sacrificing for our family. It's not just well today. I'm going to choose to not go eat out and instead we're going to go to the park. Right like that is a sacrifice you're making when stressed because it's a better choice for your family, but really thinking long-term about where you're going to end up and making this decision so that you end up where you want to end up means that you have to give up some things right now and and kisses specially they don't they don't understand that they don't understand that.

23:31 Mom is doing homework all the time when she's working and when she's not doing that she's sleeping and that's why.

23:45 This is the reason that I'm doing this is so that our family can have

23:52 Future a brighter future that we can be comfortable after being uncomfortable for several years that we rest a little bit easier knowing that there's a future coming. I remember when

24:17 And I'm getting more than one job offer and an entertaining these discussions about

24:25 Making a way to higher wage and being able to negotiate salary and thinking oh my gosh, I did it. I did it after so many years you being outfits.

24:41 And working so hard I did it and I'm I'm in a position that I enjoy and able to stay in, Missoula.

24:53 I love this town and hard work paid off and then that's a huge forward.

25:07 If you could tell a recovering addict with a family.

25:12 Anyting

25:17 I think for me and every, you know, being an alcoholic addict in recovery, and I think the biggest thing I would tell.

25:27 Anyone is to just be prepared for you not expect the unexpected be prepared for.

25:37 What life has to throw at you? You know, those are things that I think as anyone in recovery or anyone in a household.

25:47 Particularly someone coming into the role of a super bonus dad or stepfather.

25:54 Be patient be kind and give yourself some Grace.

26:01 Things that I think as

26:05 As an alcoholic addict in recovery. I struggled to.

26:12 Let go, you know, I let go of some of the need to control coming into this family dynamic as a single adult.

26:22 You know, I didn't realize how.

26:26 Oh, I think self-centered. My thoughts were so doing that as someone that's in my unit looking up at us someone.

26:36 That's in recovery has transpired into how can I be a service? You know, how can I be of service not only to myself but also to my family is mostly to my family, but I think you have to take time to love yourself until you really understand that you can't have the things that you have in your life without a willingness to suit up and show up and to be a part of

27:07 Something that is more than what you are as as one individual person now, I think as a family we accentuating each other in ways that we don't even see.

27:21 And

27:24 I think that's the reason that family cohesiveness can really help to develop a person as a whole, you know, being able to be a part of something that's greater than yourself is really what it comes down to you and for me and Benny huge.

27:46 Step forward in understanding of the dynamic of recovery, but also understanding the dynamic of what it takes to be a father.

27:57 That's hard. It's it's a hard roll to come into you and it's even harder. I think when you're trying to

28:05 Battle your own demons, but I think the well if you're able to take a billing this out of

28:13 You know what your will is and look for the wet your will of your higher power is and be able to feed off that you'll see that you're in the right place. Now, you're in a place that you're supposed to be and you have people that are around you that love you and

28:32 Whether that's an immediate family or a social family, you know, I think a lot of times growing up and coming into this dynamic.

28:45 Alone in my Endeavors and trying to figure out where I belong but I think some of the

28:53 Things that having a family has realizes having a family and doing so in recovery has helped me to realize that I have a lot of people that have been in my corner for a long time. And now I just have more people that are in my corner that really just love what I can bring to the table and love from my

29:18 On Art into their lives

29:22 I think that's really the biggest thing is just give yourself some Grace give yourself some Grace be willing to work hard to take risks get comfortable being uncomfortable do so knowing that you have the blessing of being able to be a part of such a wonderful.

29:44 Imperfect people let your friends or family recovery friends or just took your family in general. I think that's a big piece to remember.

29:57 For me that's been a huge step in the right direction this just having that understanding and being able to.

30:08 Do you solve with the knowledge that there is something more so

30:21 I think

30:24 The adrenaline rush of uncertainty that you get every morning when you wake up.

30:32 What's today going to brain? I think for myself.

30:37 Being someone that is kind of a thrill seeker at heart right when I wake up. I think the first thing that hits my plate is like what craziness is going to happen in my life today, and it's not necessarily like so is this going to be like a bad crazy? It's like what kind of good crazy

31:00 Happiness and joy is going to come into my life and I only say crazy because it's I feel like there's no

31:09 Real peace and quiet until the tire family is asleep.

31:14 At the end of the day, but it's just that uncertainty and I love it. I love the

31:22 Uncertainty of the day. I love the

31:26 Know the personalities and the Dynamics that are brought into her that are brought into our home through each individual person, you know getting to see each of the children grow in their day-to-day lives and to see them learning and

31:44 Aching in lessons of Education Buffet

31:50 They basically just grab onto throughout the day, you know, and you don't even think that they are necessarily.

31:57 At the time it doesn't look to be like all this is so predication all but then they learn something from it and it's like seeing bro in the sea that is really special.

32:10 You could be any animal. What would you be?

32:15 I'm going to have to say a penguin for sure and I only say that because I think that is very chivalrous.

32:22 For a penguin to sit on the egg while the mom goes back out to the ocean and restock their food supply from all the hard work that she did and I love the cold. So I think that it was only befitting that I was a penguin in my another thing that really

32:48 I just left love that. They have their own little buddy system and their own companion and

32:56 They're all I think they work together very well as a community as a whole so.

33:11 What about you? What would you be if you were an animal?

33:24 And it has nine lives.

33:27 I like that likes to sleep till noon.

33:34 Sleep sleep.

33:39 My life I can have a nap in the middle of the day everyday esterly in the morning.

33:49 9 to noon app

33:52 9 to 10 naps, something like that.

33:55 You mentioned community and not really sparked something for me. Cuz I

34:00 We talked about Missoula before in my

34:05 Where where we stayed at when you have an option to to move and select another faces for work in the end we decided to stay and I remember when we were dating talking about Missoula and I said

34:30 There's something about that is just so.

34:37 I guess there's a sense of community for you.

34:43 Call Premium just the sense of its really got a small town feel with not such a small town and people know each other and you can live here and you know, you can have friends in basically every Dynamic and every Walk of Life.

35:05 I have friends that love to do country and love to listen to country music and I have friends that like to listen to different types of music and just different social scene.

35:19 I think the whole thing of it is just really Blends well and it speaks to both of our personality is that

35:27 We're so different yet. So together State and I just politically but we have a reputation for being

35:50 And you step into and it's so different. It's so diverse and Progressive and people like to push push the limits lawyer and really dig into what it means to be a community and I love that. It's who I am different store. You're going to find somebody different and you're going to find it a different way.

36:37 Is your Safeway home is your ear Retreat and that you can build it up to to be anything that you want?

36:47 Absolutely. I think that's what's the nice thing about miserable and just a nice thing about our community as a whole.

36:55 It really brings a sense of diversity to the table and also a sense of comfort of comfortability. I would say so you can come as you are be as you are and be accepted for who you are and for what you do and I think that opens the doors for people to just really enjoy life and feel loved and accepted as as a person.

37:30 Get me for lost 2 and 1/2 minutes.

37:38 What was your favorite part of?

37:43 Just the overall experience of blending a family.

37:55 How to pick just one eye I have always

38:01 About that being able to laugh is so important to be able to have some humor in your life and

38:13 I feel like as a family we've been able to find something to laugh.

38:23 I love waking up in the morning and elastic waiting at you. Wake up and you're just thinking and I wake up fit and lean over and do something silly, you know, and then we're both laughing and then

38:45 I think that it's fun to be able to find ways to laugh and to not take my sister's family is hard.

39:07 And then having a baby is hard. Let me get family in grad schools hard blending a family as a recovering addict.

39:17 Are so so difficult and I think that we we've done a really good job at making sure that we're able to laugh.

39:29 SV delos

39:34 Challenge of it all and get the rewards that come from it.

39:40 I think that's a good answer pretty simple. I like some of that up and death.

39:52 4 seconds

39:58 How do we know?