Carmel Viado and Eva Dhimi

00:00 Begin with your introduction

00:04 Hi, I am and I am 33 years old. Today is Saturday September 19th, 2020. I am recording from Redondo Beach California and I have known Carmel or carry as most of us call her for quite a while now. We we're together during the new leadership program at UNLV and she's I consider her to be one of my dearest friends.

00:36 I would tear up a little bit. So my name is Carmel viado my friends call me Carrie. I am 41 years old. I just had a birthday and today's date is September 19th Saturday and I reporting in Las Vegas, Nevada. I know Eva through new leadership from 2012 when she was my faculty-in-residence, and I was a student finishing my bachelor's at UNLV.

01:07 It's been a little bit.

01:11 While my God we were supposed to hang out before everything got shut down in March. Remember we were supposed to have lunch for your birthday and then everything got shut down and I haven't physically seen you since it's been a long time. I was trying to think of how long it's been going to come crashing upon us. And the rest of the world would have seen around here. I'm not going to lie. I think it's been the most difficult to your personally professionally.

01:54 In so many levels

01:59 How are you doing? What are you doing in Redondo? I'm curious. I am traveling that seems to be sew as you know, I hit a bit of a roadblock professionally this year and I was let go from a company that I poured my heart and soul into for well over seven years and I just I have been really searching and looking and trying to find what it is, but I want to do for the first time I think since I was 17 years old and still part of that is just traveling my family said I don't go to California and I said why not like, let's hit the road.

02:39 So what are you doing? A lot of really a lot of searching Within?

02:50 I was going to say I think you've been through that as well this year. It's been a challenge to go parallel to each other in so many ways you have been encountering quite a bit of those are supposed to Care Professionals as well.

03:09 I think the only interesting thing was I was so excited about my position at the engineering consulting firm. I had found it on September 18th of last year. I was going to interview for it on Monday and by October 17th what I would have given my notice at the municipal employer where I had worked for 14 years, so I left government work to go into the private sector and 6 months and I was let go and I I found myself in a very deep shame spiral because my husband was concerned that I had given a great job with stability and now I was unemployed and

03:52 Guess the only Silver Lining was I wasn't alone. I'm just a thousands of people across the country going through the same thing and

04:04 And then once I found a job you were let go so it was we're both caught in this wave of.

04:12 A roller coaster. Yes, and I think it's

04:21 It's been a tough year. I miss lunch with my friends. I miss you know, physically hanging out with my family my sisters and quarantine because we think she's been exposed and she has a puppy so I had to do a a Target run for her and I couldn't hug her or I just know you don't drop your stuff in the doorway engine ran off its really I'm really close to my family. So I miss them a lot that's enough in the past 12 years of my life, corporate job as well. And I was just talking about this with my my husband.

05:18 It felt for the longest time ago. This is what I needed to do. And I think we talked about this right like our parents expectations of what it means to be successful in this country. And you know for my parents didn't use having a job bad meat that is accessible to them right having a job and having a paycheck once you break 4157na where I was too bad you're successful like you're good, like don't talk to us about any problems because you're good and then all of a sudden taken away from you.

05:55 And not only are you having to deal in my case with parents were saying like what's wrong with what happened? You were successful. You're not like you're having to deal with this and really feeling the most free. I have fell and the most popular. How do you get them to understand. So is it generally has been a rollercoaster of emotion so many levels family institutions of what it means to be happy and successful and when you're not meeting or when you don't feel the same like, how do you deal with God you went through that early in your life, I think as well.

06:46 They're my parents expected success, but they didn't necessarily give us the tools to do that. I don't think they had the skill set or the knowledge. Now that I'm a parent. I realize how hard it is in the struggle it is I think they could have been better. I don't think they did the best they could.

07:12 The hardest part about losing my job was I didn't realize how much I identified with it. So proud of myself that I had gotten out of the I had gotten this job and I learned that it was it was taken away and I didn't realize how much a part of my personality I was and my response now, I guess I was so deeply loyal to the job and the job was not loyal back to me. I've realized that I need to

07:41 Diversify my income streams to use a fun phrase that gets bounced around a lot. But I've spent the time to I built my own website. I I have two clients with from my private business in addition to working full-time and volunteering and trying to be a partner, but it's

08:04 It's been hard the our parents told us get a job get married have kids and then they didn't have a skill set or a framework to help us one that's taken away. I mean in my case might my father he came through with some funds to support me and get my business off the ground but emotionally or psychologically that support wasn't there and I and I wonder if it's because you know first generation English is not a 2nd. It's a second language and he speaks with a very thick accent. So sometimes I wonder if I expect more from him that he's capable of giving I'm just trying to love him and accept him where he is even though that's hard.

08:51 What are the biggest things for me has been understanding them?

08:56 In the context of who they are as opposed to who I want them to be if I am a very by Nature. I'm not a very touchy feeling kind of person. I'm not a very emotional person but I have learned that in my relationships on a personal level with my husband first day. I make sure that I say, I love you often enough to where are you? Okay, I love you to me or to my sibling, but I know he does so we can because I want that but at the same time I have to remind myself he does that right. He shows you that love in many other ways.

09:55 He was talking to me and you still didn't mean that toughness. I think we should I sometimes sometimes despise. Sometimes I like to ride in that sense that if they wanted us to be successful and they told me what he meant to be successful to them. But yet they not necessarily give us those. What it means to fill out application or a University application or you know, what does it mean to pay tuition? What are the components of you know applying for University? Nobody talk? Nobody showed that's about right and yet they expected this from us, but how did we you know what? I mean? I figure it out.

10:55 Is it painful don't you think I feel that it's a lot of trial-and-error and learning through really hard steaks. I think you know, I can tell that I shut down sometimes and when I'm is my version of controlling my emotions, so I've been feeling very strong emotions. I kind of lockdown and I go into a very stone-faced and my daughter's been copying me when she's frustrated with me. She's like Mommy. What did I say that like, oh my word. My child is My Mini-Me if she's marrying it back to me. Holy smoke you find yourself either, okay.

11:55 I love you to your catch.

11:57 World so my dad works three jobs the entire time I was growing up cuz we had piano lessons and I was in marching band and school trips and all those things and I always remember he even if he sat down he was busy. He was ironing a shirt. She was shining issues. If we start now we had to be folding laundry or doing something. It's one of the reasons I figured out how to knit & crochet cuz then I could watch TV cuz I was busy and I find myself getting frustrated and resentful of my family because they're not picking up and they're not being busy and I I'm modeling my father and taking it out on them.

12:40 And I realize this and I'm working through it because else is lockdown. We've been spending a lot of time together. So all the little things that used to be able to ignore because I wasn't in their presents so much.

12:56 I really have it has been.

12:59 Okay, is this a deal-breaker? If so?

13:02 Do you have to say something or is it something you can let go and I think

13:10 I wonder how Z is going to be when she grows up. It's really fun to watch her with Jeffrey because he has such a silly sense of humor. So the two of them make fart jokes and bodily noises and very proper that way I'm like no you can't use a nice word.

13:34 I'd like to think she has balance because of him, but I also

13:39 I also wonder if Jeffrey my husband is wondering the same thing as if what patterns he's sharing from his watching his father and mother that he's bringing to this.

13:52 It's I'm trying to be very conscious of it at my parents never apologized. So when I am wrong and NZ will call me out on it. You hurt me. I will look hernia and say I'm sorry and I'm also teaching her to apologize. So for example, she's very rough with me and I need to say you're sorry and then I say, thank you because

14:19 It is a relationship and not that were equals but she's a person and I have to respect your space or motions or body which is something I don't think my parents even had a concept of when we are growing up. It was listen you

14:39 And in a way easier, I wish I could say because I said so but I can't.

14:46 Interesting, but it was very much. But you said Ariel ride I said so and because there's no because there's definitely a shift in a relationship where you do, you know, it might sound silly but I almost feel like there's a level of respect that I have learned from my father and my mother as well to an extent to where they will now bring me in for you know, what is your or you know, what is my point of view of the situation? What is my advice which kind of a relationship a little bit

15:46 I still don't think I'll ever be able to have the emotional psychological.

15:56 That I had growing up because I generally feel as though that it has no longer it no longer hold any sway in my life, which is great. But I do I guess you should have stayed no sway but not as much as it did before but I have learned from all right, like you said, I'm very conscious of thought in my relationship with my husband right now and I think when my children coming to play I will be our owners of their own body their own self and as much as I am here to guide them and help them to grow into good human beings at the end of the day. I want them to know that and it bears and you know, they are countable for it and they have the right to say yes or no or maybe many different levels because I

16:56 Sure. I don't make the same mistake. That was done with me. I feel.

17:02 It's something as small as I was asked if I was going to pierce these ears and I was kind of sitting with that. I didn't know what to what I thought about it cuz part of me really wanted to cuz she's beautiful and I think earrings are fun. But then I really thought about it's her body if she chooses to get earrings. I will support her in that choice if she chooses not to get earrings. I will support her in that choice and I think that really clarified the difference between Me growing up and Me growing up because me and my sisters we all I had mine before I left the hospital and I was born during the hospital with your wow.

17:57 That's awesome allergic to gold earring. So I apply.

18:07 You know what? That's funny because when I turned 18, I went out and got a 2nd piercing and now I never wear earrings. So it's just one of those things that I did it because it's my body and I could and I still want to get one more tattoo of these horoscope on my on my arm, but between covalent and racing else. I haven't found the time or the inclination.

18:32 It's yes, I can send it talk about our feelings because he was having some really intense emotion. So I had to get a poster board of what are you feeling at 8 you frustrated?

18:51 Never talked about her feelings with us. You're supposed to be quiet and behave.

18:56 Heart it shaved how we do. I think I'm forced to believe their relationships for life. And I have been very lucky that it has shaped how we want to have the relationships in our lives. You know, I felt I think you're very conscious of it and I'm very conscious as well because I think the positive tell you you been right now I struggle with us because I keep telling myself you're not productive like what are you doing, you know just work the 8 to 5 and that comes from growing up believing that this is how I quantify My Success.

19:55 Stop being able to dictate how I quantify. My sister has a couple of weeks ago. I ran into a really dear friend of mine who went on to do what I think at one point. I wanted to do witches go to law school and she's very successful. Right and I feel like what happened to me. That was my first thought I was so shaken for a day or two because I just kept hearing my dad in my head, right? What are you doing? Go get a job by your talents in so many ways and being okay with not getting a ride, but just having thoughts.

20:47 Diversification has really helped me by watching. You helped me a lot. Yeah, thank you. I think.

21:05 You know rate being raised, you know these things and you will do okay and I think work has been amazing and giving myself permission to fail really just go out there and sail and I've failed well if I fell and hit and she says you're going to get the snot kicked out of you and you do but I think on the flip side, it's like I try that I'm aware. It's it worked out. It didn't work out. I tried the virtual assistant thing is not my cup of tea. Now. I am helping clients writing Grant proposals for local government RSVPs. So I'm writing that project writing podcast show notes and I sit here and I think I am.

22:05 Now that I see what it feels like to earn your own money, you know on your own terms and I'll give you an example. I did some volunteer work for a local nonprofit earlier this year for an endorsement and it wasn't a great endorsement and she reached out again and said hey, can you help me with this? And I looked her in the eyes that my rate is $50 an hour as an invoice. I'm happy to do the work with you. Once you've paid me and I haven't heard back from her and I I really didn't want the job.

22:36 It's so I'm good with that and I just asked to say hey, here's my rate someone who was in my masters of public administration program. I need help with a Grant application. What's your rate? Is it $50 an hour? I'll schedule something for next Friday and just knowing that is me. I don't I don't need additional education. I am enough as I am. You saw me going for the LSAT and sweating it and being told by my previous boss. You would have gotten in if you had political clout.

23:16 Which kind of broke my heart and at the same time, I don't think I wanted another three years of school. And so I'm okay with that now like my new bosses are telling me they like you think like a lawyer or afraid to tell you this cuz you probably would do really well in law school. So and on the flip side, I'm sitting here thinking I really don't want to be here 8 to 5, there's office politics again and came as manship and navigating that and I'm so over it. I am over it. I want to tell the person if I don't want to work with you. I don't have to work with you there other clients out there and I will find them.

23:58 And I think I think you do amazing working for yourself. And I really think you should do the registered agent thing you can practice on me.

24:08 I think that's the biggest takeaway for the past couple of weeks to be an enterpreneur to be your own, you know your own supervisor. It does it mean so much more to me cuz I think I'm on the same page as well. I feel as though I would do really well in law school school. Finally do know that I do it sounds amazing, but I don't know that I have it in me to put another four years and just for the sake of a title right because I mean the only reason I ever got not two but three undergraduate degrees was because it was the title right mind your buddy was not the most financially or I could technically Savvy things because one was right about that one. I would have walked out with my 3.7 GPA as opposed to my horrible 3.1 GPA with my business degree.

25:08 But again, nobody was there to tell me. Hey, you only need one. But he generally I think I'm at a point where you are. We have let our lives through so many rules of what we should do. We ought to do those corporate government private work driving jobs 825 under the supervision of other people who are talented of course their own ride, but I keep walking away with the same Todd which is why not me. Why not me right? Why am I not able to create a sustainable financially solvent business. Make sense?

25:52 That's my biggest like take away from the past couple of weeks. And I think you hit a ride on it. Look at you. You have tried multiple things. Somehow word some have not but you have your slowly finding what it is that makes you happy and working on it. And I generally I sometimes wonder like and I do have one did Carrie get right to get to this point of being still okay to try and fail that I am not able to do myself.

26:28 I think it helps to have a partner who is totally my cheerleader. He's not really neat and my meet Nick side is like really right now and I'm trying to make my piece of that but he's always in my corner and he's saying hey baby got this he was worried when I left government. He was very concerned about that one. Probably one of the few I guess tense moments in a relationship or 16 years, but she is I'm so proud of you you're doing so great. Either was like babe. I'm not sure you need another degree. You have a degree you're you're doing great. And so

27:16 I think to have new houses in Motion in your spouse. I think you have someone that says you can do this someone who's there to pick you off the floor when you're a bottle and I've been there and I think having someone to talk about it with and when you see me fail and I'm like, oh my God and you've been there cheering me on I think having a network of support give me the strength to do that you my sister's Jeffrey. I do if I didn't have that emotional support I'd I couldn't do it. That's for sure. I think that's where it comes from.

28:01 It's difficult. I think that has been my immediate reaction to being let go after 7 plus years. You know, what the final another dog, right and my husband saying, you know what it's okay. You don't need to you can just play some time. Right and what it is that makes you happy, you know, it makes sense for you to go back to the same old thing that you can do it for 12 plus years now and the answer was no and I'm glad that you're okay. So then if that is not what makes me happy. What is the thing that is going to make me happy?

28:48 Feeling like I need to find something financially solvent quickly. It's like in the back of my head, but you're right. You're absolutely right. I mean if it was not for my husband, you know cheering me on I probably right now would be back at a law firm working 825 drowning myself like I have for the past, you know years.

29:21 We were modeled busyness as success. So we don't know how to be still and I struggle with this and I and I take it out on those closest to me cuz I like you should be busy to just like me and that's not how it is.

29:41 Okay, the gift of lockdown has been downtown the gift and the curse of locked out his time with our thoughts sometimes with our partners and I haven't had this much time with Z since my maternity leave and usually, you know Off to the Races seven days a week and usually conversation with you on a Saturday afternoon is Leslie not working that I didn't realize about, you know, the next day having this wonderful time as being a blessing as much as it has been a curse.

30:39 Think through our ups and downs in life are good and bad and really come here. We are right about career as stop working for other people and right now it's really a blessing in disguise.

31:10 You know, I had my a check-up and my doctor said what you do in your 40s. It's just a dash real life in the fifties and I'm like, oh my goodness. I'm turning 50. But okay and it really got me thinking and what do I want to do with this next decade of my life. Where do I want to be? And I also realize that I leave jobs every four to five years thinking I'm going to take the next 45 years figure out what I'm doing right now and hopefully have my business and I think I would love to do this with you cuz then we can go through it together and build our businesses and and that cuz you know being auctioned word printer can be really lonely here all by yourself, but if if we could go through it together and share our hurdles, maybe maybe the down slopes will be so painful.

32:09 You are saying situation right? I've been trippin or something. So he's wonderful to find to you because I didn't realize that I'd be thinking about but you just kind of bringing them to the four friends and we help each other. I think I mean, I would have loved to look one of your from now and see where we are. You know from that would be wonderful.

32:39 Let's do it. We should just do it.

32:44 I think I'm going to thank you ever for letting me drag you into this. I know I had planned this with someone else she backed out. Will you come join me? And you were just down I had scheduled it. I said, hey Tech check is this day and I will say no to a friend's house and you have really been so many ways. You just expand my mind professionally and you know, personally every single time we get together. It's like a mind to bust that works out for both of us.

33:46 Yes, because like you said there aren't many women. I can relate to women of color Highly Educated, you know second to graduate from college but very similar and it's lonely out there in the world where no one looks like me or things like me or comes from my background in having you to go to when I'm struggling at work or or feeling down cuz I'm a little lonely and your friendship has been such a blessing and we've been going on 8 plus years and you've been there for me when I am not at my best and you supported me when I was stressing about Job searches or friendships falling apart and you make me feel seen and heard and

34:34 I really think that what we have is so special and I'm so grateful that you are are in my life and then I get to count you as one of my very very close friends being here.