Olayinka Lawal and Kay Lawal-Muhammad

00:03 A mama cat lawal-muhammad. I'm 60 years old. Today's date December 9th 2017 in Baltimore, Maryland, and I am only anchors mom.

00:18 My name is Oli Angela wall on 38 today's date is December 9th, 2017. We are in Baltimore, Maryland and I am K lawal-muhammad daughter.

00:34 How are you? I'm feeling very well.

00:41 When did you come to the realization that you had mental health challenges?

00:50 You know, I think.

00:55 I really came to the realization that

01:01 I had mental health challenges when I took a psychology class in college, and I read a book called The dsm-4. I was 19 and I started reading the symptoms for bipolar disorder and they checked off a lot of my boxes about racing thoughts behaviors high risk behaviors periods of depression.

01:34 And you know, I thought that it was something that

01:40 I was just

01:47 Getting over cold. I thought that I was just unique.

01:55 I thought that I had superpowers.

01:59 I thought that I was a genius.

02:05 And I thought that

02:08 I

02:16 Could not.

02:23 Focus

02:25 But I just realized that I hadn't actually just had a disease when I read those things. You know, what's amazing about what you just shared?

02:35 I really for a long time. You were had superpowers to my daughter was some kind of Genius as I guess you were not mad at me, but I didn't know what it was that you could do so many amazing things and a lot of stuff.

02:54 Would you have these down pics, you know deep mood swings from a family that has extreme.

03:03 You know, but I never was able to measure do I guess I wanted to admit that it was maybe a mental health condition. So

03:16 What you are?

03:18 Realize that okay, just some realization. Did you reach out cuz I don't recall.

03:24 You talkin about it to me right away and caught the one when I was in college, you know, because we I reached out because that's when I started feeling remembering feeling suicidal. Yeah, so the suicidal

03:47 Ideation is when I got scared and that's when I saw my first therapist she wanted me to get on Prozac and I didn't want to get on Prozac. So instead we had come up with a concoction from health food store. I remember l-thyroxine was in it. That was a time. I had also gotten pregnant and

04:17 I decided not to have a child but

04:21 Because of my bipolar disorder and

04:26 And it was another reason why I didn't want to take prescription medication, but I

04:36 I didn't you know, it's just a lot of things that you know, a lot of decisions that I made for my life because of other disease so that maybe said that was probably a very very sad time for you. Do you still do that making those decisions still up?

04:59 Thank you said you still on that. It's been 20 years since that incident and you know, I still haven't had children but I like you as as my mother I think you know, I look at you and you know, that's fine. I mean, I guess I could ask you the same question like you don't have a significant of a mental health, but you seem to have raised, you know, two children has it been difficult?

05:36 In some ways it is, you know that they are moments. It's so you know of life, you know, I think the the thing that

05:46 Is beginning to accept on Mental Health, you know with my anxiety and other issues and being able to begin to study and see the way that you did. I know going to Nami finally. I was able to accept my own mental illness as well as yours. And that was a long process that began to really accept that this is true and that we have to work diligently to you know be a support to get him through it. It's been really hard as a mom to accept that, you know, because you do begin to think of some of the fault in your own character or even though your blood all right, because you know, we are family almost generations of mental health issues.

06:37 I come from a family that we might be a little strange if one can economically make it soar educational with that. You ain't that bad and you don't have to worry about it so much. If you are financially stable and you're not like for example of a family like Aunt Carolyn who you know, it was institutionalized. She has a really great life, but you know, I think that was the measure test. Yeah, so

07:12 I think that that is a Injustice.

07:16 That many of us have because of the phobia and the fear of mental illness so we don't deal with it. We just say that we're extreme or make up excuses about I'll Behavior but I think one of the challenges we're even it out family not being able to accept it saying it was a defaulted and even out characters or something that I did wrong as a parent if we were your father and I hadn't divorce this without a Babbitt you're sad about the decision you made as a as a young person, you know about the pregnancy in those sorts of things you make excuses so you don't have to deal with it. So, how are you doing now?

07:59 A lot better today, I found that sobriety. You know, I'm currently sober I'm in AA and taking my medication in therapy going to my appointments on time. You know, I have to take a multi-pronged approach to my Wellness because if not

08:31 I

08:35 Be well.

08:38 Sobriety is huge is a huge part of my my making sure that I'm well I thought that I could take my medicine and drink alcohol and it wasn't working for me. Of course, you know taking the medicine that I happened to take you're not supposed to drink with it and even if it didn't say that on the bottle

09:09 I you know with my family history of

09:16 Alcohol abuse and drug abuse. I just I feel like I'm susceptible to addiction. So that's something that I just I can't do so I find that making sure that I'm not using

09:36 Outside influences to make myself feel better and unhealthy way is is Paramount to my sanity.

09:48 So me being in AA and really talking honestly with myself about where I am right now is helping me a lot today.

10:01 Honesty is huge and that's something that I've I've been dealing with a lot being really honest because with I think with my bipolar disorder, I think I've pretended that I was okay. How you doing? Fine? Are you are you feeling? Okay? I'm okay when I'm not when I'm when I'm barely making it when I like suicidal and about to get in my car and drive off of a bridge run into a tractor-trailer. That's how I really feel inside, you know, so today, you know, I'm actually I'm nervous but I'm I'm feeling pretty good and feeling pretty confident and when I'm not being honest with the people around me about how I'm really doing so I can save my life is important.

11:01 So how I'm doing is I'm really working on my honesty and being really honest about where I'm at is is huge for me while I get analogy for your Clarity. It is wonderful to hear you being so clear and fearless about your sobriety about how you're taking on in your mental health issues. You know, I'm and I grow when you grow, you know, some of your experiences with recovery in all of this have many similarities even

11:44 My challenges of being able to accept in my daughter had by a bipolar condition. That was so serious. I can remember when I first I think you were in a process. Sometimes you would have them in your manic down. You would do such things. You can remember cleaning the house and I send you would love that. I would say my God she got sick on your back. You need to call somebody that this doesn't look good right after she finishes cleaning the house.

12:22 But

12:25 The year you be so clear.

12:29 And I'm taking it on fully fearlessly. I'm in awe of you.

12:36 You know even as an adult person I went back and forth with it, you know, even you would cover it, but also getting into bad relationships at the best part of the addiction tonight, you know, that's just like they going to drink when you're involved with me know making those sorts of choices and I tell you really make a decision in the way that you are or your combating things. Now it's going to always be I miss that, you know, and even now, you know, cuz I mean suicide, you know, that's the big word that you know, you've been

13:14 How many times have you tried to I can't keep calm. I will I've been hospitalized for attempting suicide twice 1 + 2000 what?

13:30 6 + 1 + 2000 + 13 but you know

13:40 Suicide Suicidal Thoughts. I mean, I can't innumerable. I don't know. I can't count.

13:49 Serious suicide attempts probably over I would say

13:56 Probably over 10 times. I would have I would have the pills in my hand or I would I would take the pills and maybe not go to the hospital.

14:08 So it's been it's been quite a few.

14:13 And you know

14:16 I was reading you know, I liked you. I'm a part of a lot of groups and you know, I was reading up a Blog and they were saying that

14:30 In your right mind you would not.

14:33 You you would not want to kill yourself. You would not your body or mind wants to save itself in. Your right mind is the depression is the illness that's telling yourself these lies. It's it's a lot that the depression is lying to you. You know, it's a it's a chemical imbalance that is telling you these horrible things about yourself. It's telling you you know, nobody loves you that's making you isolate yourself, you know, because it in my right mind today I Want I Want I Want I do want to live that's why I reach out. That's why I call the crisis line. That's why I call you. I do want to live but it's a it's a temporary fix. It's a permanent fix to a temporary problem, you know, because the feeling that I felt in 2013 and 2006 that feeling is gone right now. You know, it was a it was a temporary feeling that mask.

15:34 And I'm so I'm glad that I'm here now, and I'm glad that I'm here with you. I'm glad that I'm here sharing my experience, but that pain was so bad. I just wanted it to be over.

15:46 I wanted it. I want to be cold in the ground. I wanted everything be black. That's all I wanted. That's all.

15:54 That's all I wanted. But it was it was Depression was lying to me was a lie. It was a lie. I was a lie. It was a lie. And anybody out there this listen to my story right now. That's that's lying in the bed that's crying right now. That is a lie that depression is lying to you is lying call somebody right now call call the crisis line that depression is lying to you. Somebody loves you. They going to miss you.

16:25 That depression is lying. That's a lie.

16:29 If it's just a lie, you know, so that's you know, that's that's just a lie, cuz I I love you and I want to be here.

16:42 Play no worries right now.

16:46 I kiss.

16:49 You have to realize it might be somebody on the edge of a bed here in you.

16:57 So for real

17:02 He said hear your words you feel me? Cuz I lived and Senior been on that.

17:09 Can I ask you for nothing with you spell?

17:14 Beautiful

17:16 You have to be here be at to be here.

17:20 You know if I would people that have gone through similar pains.

17:26 Something I'm not

17:28 Infinite funerals. I never had a chance to help them baby. Please don't go.

17:38 Hoover Dam

17:52 I guess so.

17:56 Being a close family

17:59 And being able to talk about stuff laugh about anything and your brother, I'm sorry. He's not here really because us is a Trilogy and then profound because even when I couldn't reach you he could

18:16 And I want to say that.

18:18 Family members that don't judge cuz I think he was less. He's a less judgemental person even that I

18:26 I just like to say, thank you.

18:30 To those who understand. I don't know just dance sometimes when my head hurts so bad. Yeah.

18:43 Thank you for the doctor notes with therapist who is up on the latest yoga teacher trying to work on people being better, right?

18:59 Even when I first started going to therapy for me.

19:08 I just want to say thanks for all of the working towards it real stuff. It takes a team takes a lot of work.

19:17 And I

19:19 Just asked for someone reach out, you know, cuz you're not alone a lot of us have gone through this. So in that way.

19:32 What else what other things for you has been Monumental in helping your healing process recently? I have joined the Facebook groups like The bipolar support groups on Facebook that has been really helpful for me just to again realize that I'm not alone and to reach out to people that you know going through bad times and seeing people who are going through really great times and just to have a some body to say. Hello. I'm going through a really awful time in like hey, do you want to talk do you want you know you do you want to

20:15 Just exchanged, you know, cuz I've been there too and and somebody saying hey my meds are working really great right now. And that's and that's you know, helpful to have to have support from your peers is unlike anything else, you know, it's it's it's unlike therapy is unlike family peer support group I find is

20:44 Is very important for me. So that's helpful against sobriety is is Monumental for me yoga meditation having those Quiet Moments walking barefoot. I know it sounds funny and silly but taking time out in nature is really important for me having some type of spirit whatever your spiritual understanding is for me is important just having those Quiet Moments even if you don't have necessarily a spiritual connection having some type of quiet moment for yourself, you know, everybody talks about that self-care that's important for everyone even if you don't have a diagnosis, but just taking that time for yourself to take

21:40 Extra care of yourself. No one went to say no to things. No one went to give yourself.

21:48 You know, you're your space and those boundaries, you know, cuz you know sometimes you know, I try to pull myself in all types of different directions so that I won't have to think about you know.

22:05 Me and what you know and overwhelmed myself purposefully.

22:12 And enjoying that I burn out.

22:18 And you know self-sabotage and that something that I have to be on guard all the time even when I'm doing well.

22:29 You know, I have to watch myself have to constantly, you know, give myself.

22:36 Be self-aware spending time with people not isolating myself. I write in my journal or write my dreams down.

22:51 Things like that

22:54 I sat try to be on time for things so I don't get road rage giving myself extra time to to drive listen to meditation music as I drive.

23:12 Well, I must say all of this is so profound. You need to write it down.

23:18 Am I really am I hearing you but more than that, I'm seeing you, I've seen you go through some rough pass away of late. I am very proud of the walk with you made some decisions to make in your you're

23:41 12-step program along with years, you know sobriety really trying to get get no have stronger me know better relationships and I see you making those changes and it's been a long road along. It has been make you fall want to roll with detail.

24:02 I could go in the dirty details to write a book.

24:09 We got a Laugh to Keep from Crying. I thank God for it. Thank God for the last yes, but this is how you for being there. You know, it's difficult and I do want to just take time out to thank you for being not just my mom but but being a just walking your own walk in sobriety walking your own walk and just Womanhood as a strong woman as a person in the community just walking that walk and you know allowing me to like watch that and follow, you know, I appreciate that and I appreciate you, you know, kind of letting go to a little bit like cuz you used to kind of drag me out of bed.

25:09 But after a while you you kind of let let go and sin Let me find my own way as an adult. Our relationship is kind of shifted and we're not friends, but I'm still your daughter and I still give you the utmost respect but you let go and let me find my own way. And I like I really appreciate that and I really appreciate your wisdom and not like now. I feel like I definitely come to you as like this wise Seer and and it's if it's a beautiful thing and I really really really appreciate like the wisdom that you have you give not only me but like the community and not only about you know, my Illness but about like life in general like you are so perceptive. I love your perceptiveness and about

26:09 Life and I appreciate it and I hear you two like, thank you.

26:15 Now when I tell you you're adopted.

26:26 Thank you for that for those mm acknowledgement. Do I mean it's about growing up for me?

26:32 That's what that's what happens when you really working in a relationship the way we have been.

26:38 You can't it reflects. It's about me seeing me and you and growing up and getting better too. And that's what it's all about is no mistake. Did you've been in a field as you have for a bigger bigger bigger? Cause you know for everybody you meeting everybody touch and you're working with that Community. Now, I am very satisfied helping those who have similar issues as you find employment line that walk. Yes. So it's it's a beautiful process watching you me and do what I mean. I'm in deep with gratitude and to our listening audience. We appreciate you. Thank you so much for allowing me to share my stories storycorps and Kaiser Permanente. I really appreciate you guys. Allow me to share my story.

27:30 Thank you so much for this opportunity.