Eric Tumminia and Amelia LaMair

[00:03] ERIC TUMMINIA: Hey, I'm Eric Tumminia I'm 42 years old. Today is Saturday, April 30, 2022. I'm in the Ozarks of Missouri with Amelia LaMair my girlfriend and partner.

[00:21] AMELIA LAMAIR: And I'm Amelia LaMair I'm 33 years old. Today is Saturday, April 30, 2022. We're in the Ozarks of Missouri, and I'm with Eric Tumminia my partner. So today we're going to talk about Eric's recovery from alcohol addiction, among other things. But that's our jumping off point. So, Eric, you are a little over 20 months sober, so.

[01:01] ERIC TUMMINIA: That's right.

[01:02] AMELIA LAMAIR: Congratulations.

[01:04] ERIC TUMMINIA: Thank you.

[01:05] AMELIA LAMAIR: And it's been a wild ride, and there have been a lot of changes, really good changes. So we're going to documentous that and talk a little bit about it.

[01:21] ERIC TUMMINIA: Sounds good. I'm glad to be here with you.

[01:25] AMELIA LAMAIR: Do you want to start by just kind of telling some general background of your experience?

[01:34] ERIC TUMMINIA: Sure. Yeah. So I'm 42 years old, and, you know, I probably started drinking when I went off to college at age 18 or 19. And, you know, initially it was just fun, and I drank socially and to have a good time and to party because that was kind of the, the culture or subculture that I was a part of in college. That's what friends were doing. And, you know, it was fun, and, you know, it didn't really. I don't think my drinking ever. I don't think it became a particular problem until maybe some years later. And it especially became a problem in the last ten years or so when I've been with you, Amelia, and, you know, I would pass out early in the evening and not be fun to be around. I might be grouchy or verbally aggressive, you know, what had become or had begun as a good time. Social activity had become something negative and nasty and intolerable in our relationship and in my relationship with others. And, you know, really, I have to thank you for pointing out how negative it had become and standing up to me and to the addiction and reinforcing or telling me and consistently reinforcing the fact that I needed to make some changes, that I needed to get some help. And sadly, it took a lot of you telling me that I needed to get some help before I actually did, you know? But hopefully that kind of gives a brief outline of the arc, the historical arc of my drinking.

[04:19] AMELIA LAMAIR: Do you think? Is there a time or a situation that you can pinpoint as, like, really realizing that drinking was, like, no longer just a fun thing, but that it was a negative thing in your life?

[04:44] ERIC TUMMINIA: Yes. And really, I think there are a lot of specific events and situations that made it clear that drinking was ruining my life. Unfortunately, I'm a little bit dense and a slow learner sometimes, so it took it a while to sink in, but there were a number of times when I would really do something to hurt myself physically or emotionally hurt someone else or you, Amelia. But if you're looking for one specific event, I think the. I think that the last time you left, when you left our shared home, you left me and our shared home because of a drunken outburst. And this was probably nearly two years ago. You left to go live with your folks in Springfield because I had gotten drunk again, and you felt unsafe, and I was left there home alone, and you were pregnant with our. With our first child, who is now 21 months old. And I was left there alone and kind of was feeling like I was losing everything. Not only you, but the potential of being a father to our daughter who would soon be born. I think that's when it really sank in that I really needed to make some changes. And, you know, I think it wasn't just you leaving and me being alone, but also realizing how badly I just. I felt physically, you know, just realizing that I was alone, and I felt like crap, you know, that it was ruined. I was ruining my health, as well.

[07:37] AMELIA LAMAIR: It's kind of interesting because it wasn't like a. You know, it was a fairly typical day where you just sort of had an argument. You were just not in a good mood, and you had started drinking early in the morning, and, you know, it was summertime and hot, and we were trying to. We were actually trying to go on a float trip with your parents on the river, getting all the stuff together that you have to do. Get in the car, do that. And I just, like, realized I had had enough. And, like, that. It just wasn't. It was not a functional situation, obviously, but, you know, it had more or less worked. It was just not functional. But, yeah, but being, like, eight months pregnant, I just kind of realized, like, okay, it's time to make a move, because, you know, how am I gonna deal with this? Like, I can barely deal with this now. How am I gonna deal with it with a little baby and, like, you know, who's gonna, like, help me make dinner and clean and, like, be supportive when. When I'm tired and got a little baby here? And so it was kind of, I don't know, just a crazy time, but I felt pretty calm about it once I just decided not to try to make something work that obviously wasn't working. I'm so glad that I did, because I think that's what you have to do, is.

[09:38] ERIC TUMMINIA: I'm nodding my head yes.

[09:43] AMELIA LAMAIR: Anyway, let's see. So, yeah. Oh, I just wanted to mention again. So, for a number of years, you would talk about quitting drinking, and you had some spurts where you would maybe try or talk about trying make it through a few days, but you would often say, like, if I could really, truly quit drinking, it would be, like, the greatest accomplishment of my life. So I just want to congratulate you again because you actually did that. That's amazing. How does that make you feel?

[10:32] ERIC TUMMINIA: It makes me feel really good about myself, and it, you know, now that I've been sober for 2021 months, you know, it's an ongoing process. Recovery is an ongoing process. But I have 20 or 21 months of sobriety behind me now, and that does feel like a real accomplishment. And I definitely remember saying that many times that if I could just get sober, it would be my greatest accomplishment and an accomplishment that would or could enable further accomplishments as a sober person, as a more functional sober person. And I feel really good about it. And I think, you know, I think one thing that can happen psychologically with people who are addicts, or at least that what happened with me as an alcohol addict, was that my self confidence and my self esteem became deteriorated over time because of the mistakes that I made and the damage I did and the trauma I caused to myself and others through drinking made me feel bad about myself, made me lose self confidence, made me feel feelings of self loathing. And so to get sober and feel accomplishment through that act of getting sober is beginning to build my confidence back up, and that feels really good. So, in response to your question, it feels good. And I think that's largely why, you know.

[12:56] AMELIA LAMAIR: I can only imagine the feeling of, like, knowing that you needed to do something or knowing that what you were doing was not good for you, but just not being able to fix it and just being trapped in that cycle of guilt and feeling bad and continuously hurting yourself, knowing that it was, like, not good. I don't know how to articulate that, but, yeah, to get out of that really is quite something.

[13:31] ERIC TUMMINIA: It's really a. It's a strange position to be in, you know? And it's probably. It may be hard for someone who has never been addicted to understand what that feels like. Cause it's, like, from the outside looking in, it probably seems so obvious, like, dude, just stop drinking. You know, you're ruining yourself. You're ruining your relationships, but from the inside, with addiction, it's just. It's just really hard to stop. And, you know, I think I always told myself that I. That I would. That I could do it myself because, you know me, I'm a doer. I do. I get things done. I'm not a lazy person. Even drinking, I managed to be fairly functional and work as a college instructor, english instructor. And I would have bands that, you know, I like to play music and have bands, and we. We would have some fun and success and stuff. So I could do that. But why couldn't I stop drinking? And I think. I think I always thought that I could do it myself, and yet I never could. And didn't. I couldn't. I didn't because I couldn't, I suppose. And then, you know, finally, I did reach out for help. And, you know, through listening to KSMU in Springfield, I'd hear these ads for Synergy recovery center as one of their sponsors. And I was like, you know, I need some help. I know I need some help. I don't even know. I didn't even know, really who to reach out to. You know, I'm not sure that it is often clear to us where to turn for help when we need help with problems like these. And that's unfortunate. I mean, we being Americans, people living in southern Missouri here, like, you know, I've got a drinking problem. Who do I turn to? I've heard of AA. I guess there's that. You know, so I had heard of synergy, and I reached out to them, and. And eventually I ended up in their inpatient rehab. So I was in rehab for 33 days. And I think that that essentially saved my life because I don't think I could do it by myself. And really, after you left, after you left me eight months pregnant, I did try to sober up by myself. And I ended up in the emergency room in West Plains, Missouri, essentially with symptoms of alcohol withdrawal, because I did actually stop drinking. And then my body freaked out, basically, because I think I was physically addicted. And, you know, we've talked a little bit about kind of the psychological aspects of addiction, but the physical aspects are profound as well. So I think one of the things I really needed was help detoxing, which I had read books, and they said, oh, it's dangerous to detox from alcohol. And I thought, oh, you know, whatever. Lots of things are dangerous or whatever. But again, our culture doesn't. You know, they don't tell you in the beer ads that if you drink too much beer for too long, you might have to detox in a facility. You know, they leave that out of the ads. So I think that's one of the things that really helped save my life, is going to synergy and being able to detox in a supervised situation. Anyway.

[18:50] AMELIA LAMAIR: Yeah. So you called me the night, I think maybe the night before, the day before, and you said, I'm going to this place. You know, I'm going to do it tomorrow. They have a spot for me. And, like, it really seemed like, okay, like, you did this on your own, you know, you really want to do it, you're gonna do it, hopefully. And then. So your parents brought you there. I met you there the next day for you to check in, and you were pretty much a mess. Like, you were, I think, mainly just really, really nervous, like, shaking so hard, you just couldn't really.

[19:44] ERIC TUMMINIA: Yeah, I couldn't even sign the admission paperwork to get into the rehab.

[19:53] AMELIA LAMAIR: And then I think, I don't know how long it was, maybe at least a couple weeks before I saw you, and we weren't. I don't think we really had much contact, because they wanted you to just be focused on that. But even partway through your experience, you really did transform. It just seemed like an amazing program. They really cared about you, and it was a very holistic approach, feeding you well, doing exercise and yoga and things like that. I think, really, we're lucky to have something like that in the area versus, you know, you tried a little bit more of a state mandated type of rehab thing. Not that you were mandated to go, but that was kind of depressing in itself. And the sort of religious aspect of AA didn't really work for you.

[21:07] ERIC TUMMINIA: Right.

[21:07] AMELIA LAMAIR: What do you think it was about therapy and that particular approach that really helped you the most?

[21:30] ERIC TUMMINIA: I think the supervised medical detox got me safely sober so that I could participate in the. What you referred to as the holistic approach to the rehab. And I enjoy learning. And so in that rehab, they had classes, essentially classes on different aspects of addiction and methods for managing stress. And so I liked the class and the learning aspect, and I enjoyed the holistic yoga and meditation. But beyond that, I think the camaraderie of being in a rehab facility with several guys, a bunch of guys that are going through the same thing and understand and can empathize with a fellow addict was really powerful because, you know, unfortunately, I think, well, I really should just talk about my own experience. But as, you know, as an addict, I was pushing people away, and I was alienating myself, and that's not really a way to seek out support or understanding or compassion from anybody, to push people away or make people mad and not want to hang out with you. Even though I was afraid to go into a rehab, it turned out to be something good for me, you know? And really, that's what I would. That's one point I would try to make to someone struggling with addiction is, you know, you may be afraid.

[24:00] AMELIA LAMAIR: So let's see. You became a father. Let's see.

[24:13] ERIC TUMMINIA: And you became a mother.

[24:15] AMELIA LAMAIR: Yes. We had our daughter Zia, who's just really amazing. She's getting close to two years old now, so we had her. We were separated at the time, but you were there for the birth, and I think that was at that point. You were attending outpatient therapy a couple times a week, I think, and still just trying to live back at our place on your own and hold it together. So I'm so glad that you were able to be there for the experience of the birth, but, yeah, so you basically got. You became a father and then got sober in a very. Right around the same time.

[25:12] ERIC TUMMINIA: A lot of big changes.

[25:13] AMELIA LAMAIR: Pretty major changes. Yeah. But maybe that's a just how things were meant to flow. What do you have to say about becoming a father and having a family of your own?

[25:34] ERIC TUMMINIA: Well, I really like being a dad so far. I know we're only not even two years into it, but I really like it so far. And, you know, I think, in a way, being a father is good for me in my early sobriety journey because I have a strong sense of purpose. I have a strong sense of purpose to be a good dad, to help provide and nurture and care for Zia and you. And I think that's good for me in my early sobriety to have that strong sense of purpose. You know, this is what I need to be doing. I have a good. Why? Why am I doing this? To make a good life for Zia and us as a family. And, you know, I think having a kid is a lot of work, as anybody who is a parent knows. And so that doing that work gives my life stability, structure, and purpose, and I think that's good for someone in the recovery process. And so I'm grateful to be sober. I'm grateful for Zia and you, and I'm grateful to be a dad for all of those reasons.

[27:30] AMELIA LAMAIR: So another change that happened with all this is in order to go into the rehab facility, you resigned from your position as an english instructor at a university, which you have, that was your line of work for what, maybe 15 years almost.

[27:56] ERIC TUMMINIA: Yeah, I've taught off and on. I've taught for 16 years over the course of like 20 years or something.

[28:05] AMELIA LAMAIR: So that's definitely a whole world. The adjunct professor gig in this time and place. You're really wonderful teacher. But anyway, now you, you switched over to working as a FedEx delivery person, which is an interesting role to be in right now at the height of online shopping. And this also all happened in the midst of the COVID pandemic. What do you have to say about that transition or your current job, past job, any of that?

[29:00] ERIC TUMMINIA: Well, delivering for FedEx is different than teaching in many ways. But, you know, I think I'm enjoying, I enjoy teaching very much. And really, teaching has been a passion of mine for a long time. And I would like to go back to it eventually, but I think in terms of the recovery, my recovery process, delivery driving is a pretty nice low stress job, relatively low stress as compared to teaching. And so I like being able to clock out at the end of the day and go home and focus on you and our daughter Zia and not have to be worrying about grading or planning class and so on. And you mentioned Covid, and teaching was getting a little weird during COVID you know, all the online instruction and stuff that an old guy like me is not used to. So taking a little break is, was kind of nice, but teaching is always there to go back to.

[30:39] AMELIA LAMAIR: I think it's kind of interesting you. So there was another Eric working at FedEx at the time. So you took on the nickname of ET, your initials, and. Yeah, it's interesting. Kind of that transformation. Now you go by ET, just, you know, not to me, but to some people. And maybe it was really helpful also to, you know, they say and getting sober, you know, change everything about your life. It helps, you know, maybe to have new job, new friends, new situation. So it's kind of cool. And you have a lot of funny and weird stories from working that job, which we probably don't have time.

[31:34] ERIC TUMMINIA: That's well said, though. Your point about how I kind of took on a new name at a new job, newly sober, I had talked about. I just talked about the transition from teaching to delivery, driving as reducing stress and allowing me to focus more on you guys. But that's a good point. It also allows me to kind of end an old life and move on to another. And I like the name change, and I embrace the name change from Eric to ET and it does reinforce the fact that we can all change our situations. We can change the trajectories we are on. Who we are at age 20 does not have to be who we are at age 30, especially if we don't like who we are, at some point, we can change to be somebody that we like better and that other people like better. So I like that idea of transformation and, you know, onto a new name and a new identity.

[33:03] AMELIA LAMAIR: And just for the record, sadly, you make a lot more money working that job than teaching people.

[33:12] ERIC TUMMINIA: Yes.

[33:13] AMELIA LAMAIR: So that's something different in our lives.

[33:18] ERIC TUMMINIA: Pay teachers more.

[33:19] AMELIA LAMAIR: Yeah. We may all be tired of talking about the COVID pandemic, but that's yet another just crazy thing that was going on. You know, this all happened in the Trump presidency and a really absurd and surreal political climate and global pandemic. Do you have any did that? I think for me, all of that just sort of made me feel more like there was kind of like, I don't want to say nothing to lose, but, like, you know, things are so crazy. Like, may as well just go for, like, what we really want and, like, not try to hold things together because they don't really make sense anyway. You think global events had much influence on your recovery?

[34:23] ERIC TUMMINIA: I like that. That's an interesting point. I don't think I consciously had an attitude like, well, there's a pandemic. The world's going up in flames. It's time to get sober.

[34:41] AMELIA LAMAIR: Maybe some people would have gone the other way.

[34:43] ERIC TUMMINIA: Yeah, it seemed like, you know, I did. Yeah, I was hearing in the news, you know, addiction rates were going up and drinking deaths and all that stuff. And here I was getting sober, you know, so, no, I don't think it made a conscious, I had any conscious feelings about that. Probably made it an easier job to get. It easier to get a job delivering for FedEx, since people were stuck at home ordering things all the time.

[35:19] AMELIA LAMAIR: Let's see, what are your hopes for the future? What's your vision?

[35:34] ERIC TUMMINIA: I just hope to have a happy, safe, comfortable life with you and Zia and to continue on our path of starting happy family together. I think that I've learned to focus my hopes and dreams a little more and focus on health and happiness and have gratitude for what I have. I'm grateful for what we have and want to keep continuing to build a happy family. I think that's a good stopping point, probably.

[36:29] AMELIA LAMAIR: Yeah, I did want to ask you one.

[36:31] ERIC TUMMINIA: Okay.

[36:32] AMELIA LAMAIR: Well, yeah, I should have slipped this in earlier, but I did just want to ask you like how you're a musician, performer, musician, songwriter, and have been in all kinds of bands for a long time, as you mentioned, a little bit, but you basically quit playing music. Just wonder what you know. How has sobriety affected your relationship with music? What are your feelings about that?

[37:09] ERIC TUMMINIA: Boy, that's a complicated question.

[37:12] AMELIA LAMAIR: I shouldn't have slipped that in at the end.

[37:15] ERIC TUMMINIA: I don't really have a good answer for that. Getting sober really has affected my relationship with music, and I'm still trying to work that relationship out. Music was always something that, for me, happened in bars and in the context of drinking and at parties, and I often would be drinking when performing music. And so I have to start my relationship with music over again, I think. And I really haven't begun that process. I've just been focusing on work and family and staying sober. A lot of my feelings about music and drinking, they're a little bit esoteric and hard for me to articulate. I don't know how to articulate them yet. But, like, I sometimes felt when performing music that I was really, like, channeling something. Like I. In most aspects of my life, I'm pretty based in reality, and I don't have, like, strong spiritual beliefs or anything like that. But when it comes to music, I did feel like I was, you know, I wasn't really in control of what was happening. Like, it's hard to describe, and I don't really feel that anymore. So, you know, like so many things in life, I think there are positives and negatives to sobriety, and possibly a negative is that I don't feel whatever that is that makes me play music or perform music or whatever. But I think the net equation comes out as it's overall positive to be sober, you know, be more functional and more predictable. But I think it's going to be an ongoing. An ongoing process to figure out how to get back into music.