Fred Roe and Nicole Molumby

00:00 My name is Nicole molumby. I am 43. Excuse me. Can we redo that you can

00:12 My name is Nicole molumby. I'm 44. Today is Tuesday, May 12th, 2020. I'm in Boise, Idaho, and I am talking with Fred Roe and he is my partner.

00:30 My name is Fred Roe. I am 53 and today is Tuesday, May 12th. We are in Boise, Idaho, and I'm talking with Nicole molumby. She's my sweetheart. Yeah, okay, so friends talk to me about when we first met but we have kind of an interesting story.

00:55 We both have had a lot of challenges in life. And we've had people that have helped us with that and both of us. We're seeing a separately when we didn't even know each other existed. We were seeing a counselor that help each one of us separately quite a bit. And at one point when I was seeing her she asked me if I would consider being part of a group of adults who have been through difficult relationships in the past and if I could take part in that because even though I have perhaps progressed pretty far it's always good to help others and to see how far you've come and you can always learn something from them. So I said, yes, of course and so I went and there you were you were part of that group.

01:42 And they were just four of us there. And so true that we were fortunate to learn about each other.

01:53 In a way that I think many people don't even people who know each other for a very very long time in and maybe are our partners for a long time and those first few weeks of meeting with each other. We talked about challenges in our past lives and how we look at things and I just think we we learned so much about how we look at life and how we want to move forward to life. Have a good night and a good healthy happy way. And yes, so when we were in that group, what were some of the things that we talked about what were the things we talked about this? What were the things that came up? This is all before we went into even do it knowing that the covid-19 and shut us down. Alright. Alright well in that group, there are people who are in the midst of a breakup people who have recently been through a breakup or rebuilding

02:52 Their lives and their relationships and in so we talked I guess a lot about that the individuals and what situation there and in what challenges are faced. How would you describe what we were there to try to work through individually, I think one of the reasons that I was there was I wanted to I wanted to see other people who and talk with other people about important things and more than superficial things people who have also faced challenges because I I I personally believe

03:35 Each one of us only has one set of experiences and there's so much to learn from others and and what they have been through and how they

03:43 How they go with life. How about you?

03:51 I I think I was in the group as well to 2 for me to practice.

04:00 You know having conversations with men and women about these difficult topics right of being alone of the challenges of not knowing what your future is going to be like in and finding acceptance and and you know, my my remembering that this time was were about being challenged in the group you brought a specific sounds to me, you know, just in your own inside and your own calm voice and you know, I could I guess I felt a little bit shook up a couple times just because you were you had such beautiful insight into what it was like to recognize someone else.

04:47 And I I think in those early meetings where we were just only group colleagues right in a clinical situation. I started to feel seen by you I think in that setting

05:07 I think all of us in a group who it was a very special group and I think we all develop so much trust so quickly everyone opened up so much more than I think they expected they would I'm a pretty open person and and I buy think there's not much to be lost and being open and honest but that's not perhaps the way everyone feels but that group everyone even those that I think are not as comfortable with that. They opened up quite a bit. And so we did we went really far with with what was difficult for some people and I could feel the trust I can feel that even if it was maybe a little bit uncomfortable I could feel that you in particular.

05:54 You you were you were good with with being asked challenging questions. I am in for some clarity because you've done a lot of hard work and a lot of introspection before and I could tell that it doesn't mean I'm sure that was easy before you did this group together and how you were feeling about joining it individually.

06:24 Well for me, you know, I had gotten very comfortable with you know, living alone and you know doing interpersonal work alone and you know feeling safe and secure in my own space and very comfortable in my own space. So for me, I think my biggest fear in coming with with others and then in particular with Fred and in the group was that I would be exposed that my boner abilities would be exposed and challenged and that even though I wanted that and I'm in it now and I'm very grateful for that. It was that was my biggest fear. Yeah.

07:14 What was your fear? Well, I think for myself the biggest one was just I wanted I wanted to I wanted to be a value to someone else. I didn't want to be there and not

07:27 Help. So I guess that was my biggest fear was making sure that that my time they're in my in put an effort there was going to help someone. I I suppose also and it did occur to me that I am very self-evaluating and introspective and I've done a lot of that over the years, but that's the nature of something you have not looked at her underwear of his said you're going to be surprised by it. So there's a little of that text me about Gwen.

08:05 When did we start to move away from our our group setting into a something a little bit will our counselor encouraged us to become a group outside of the session so that we can see I think it's really so that we form good good friendships and support but I think it's also let me see all of each other as being complete people and not just identify each other through our challenges. And so that was great and part of that was that I found out that you are a musician and you were going to perform at the University for a really special occasion. And so I made sure that I was on a business trip. I made sure I got home just in time to go there and see you and just seeing you there in that setting and see.

09:05 Who is more more completely who you are and I thought it was wonderful and it was very intriguing. It was already so so impressed with you and so comfortable with you. And so you know that what that was said that was definitely made then when I could see more of who you were talking to the recital. I was surprised that you were there and to learn that you had driven straight there from being on the road, you know, and I just I mean it was so nice to have you there listening and seeing me and in my daily life, right and what it is that I do and to enjoy that with you and yeah, and then I would say that's when you know, I started to

09:58 Become more Curious and forgot. It was just absolutely what it was before all of the interaction that we had previously and I am I wanted to be very cautious as well. Even though I wanted to get to know you better.

10:24 I always feel that there's

10:28 Might my concern is always for others first. And so I wanted to make sure that they were still getting value out of it is if we became more than just friends in the in the group out of the group chat.

10:42 LOL, I was careful with you. And yeah, so we first met in January in the group. My recital was in mid February and then we're still in group approaching what we don't even know is coming right not not full State home orders, but definitely distancing orders here in Idaho right from this timeline.

11:20 You know what? How how did it become that that both of us all the sudden felt that we needed to be quarantined together. It was kind of interesting because I never I guess in at the time and in retrospect looking back at it. I I never felt like I needed was need was any part of that. I just felt that I wanted to be with you and I honestly believe that

11:55 There isn't a whole lot that would be different.

11:57 Whether this happened or didn't other than perhaps the sheer amount of time we've been able to spend with each other because we are not supposed to go and we haven't been going out to other places we have whether it's shopping or restaurants or or whatever. And so we use that as an opportunity to be able to spend more time with each other. I think if we had that time.

12:28 We would have done it. Anyway. Yeah, I think the fact that there was some working from home for you. So you were around more and not going to the office and for me I wasn't going on trips with the same. We had the opportunity to spend more time to be away from you. If one of us got sick right that did occur to me as well. Once we were in this thing is if either one of us were sick, we both of us. We have a good network of friends and people who we care about in our lives, but no one that closed for that type of the situation and it wasn't long before I realized. Yeah, I wouldn't want you at home alone.

13:18 You became sick. Yeah. Yeah, so knowing that that you know, I could take care of you or that we could take care of each other.

13:30 As well as build the beginning of a new relationship together, you know, I think that we have had a and continue to have a time of foundation that a lot of new relationships. Don't get the necessary. We have to expose ourselves and build, you know, a deep connection and friendship.

14:04 In a very short intense time and then, you know grow outside of outside of it together and either a hike or a concert and then all the sudden the pandemic hits wear a time that we would have been completely prepared for alone. We would have been able to take care of ourselves and sure manage our lives and it wouldn't have been too far different. We were lucky enough to be able to come together so much of our time.

14:43 I was just kind of building our homes.

14:47 Talkington story laughing and cooking for summer preparing the patio spaces and the

15:16 Public spaces with you next to me has been so reassuring it's if someone if we're working and you know, trying to social distance from strangers, I know that I have you that I can can lean into and be okay on my travels to a cities in the in the Far East in the past where you can be in extremely crowded scene, but you're alone. I never feel more alone than when you're alone. Yes. Yes. Yeah. We didn't really go through that, but that would be such a different.

16:02 More difficult situation if it were that way well in the irony is that we understand what that is National Taco alone, you know and feeling that wonderment of seeing new things and being around new places and then not having a person to turn to Ray being okay with it, but not adding a person to turn to and when you do then you really appreciate it. But now I have someone's characters to close.

16:43 Thalia where should we go now if it's okay, I have some questions if you were alone during this time, you would be okay, but you will have gone to a place in your life where you know, you're okay when you're by yourself, so you prefer to be with each other. What is can you talk more about that? Like what does that mean to both of you to have that feeling that you know, you would be okay, but you choose to be with each other.

17:15 Yeah, and so yeah, Nicole perhaps if you if you could tell me your feelings on that because mine.

17:23 I I think you works specifically you put a lot of work into being okay being alone, and I'm not sure I think I think you may have been at the point where you would have.

17:43 I easily accepted that if that were the case. So how I feel now that I have you two to lean on.

17:57 Yeah, I mean.

18:01 It is I think the word I always say is gratitude. I'm very grateful. I'm not used to it, you know, and so it catches me off-guard that I have.

18:17 I have you to lean on and that.

18:20 I have the support. Yeah, so for me, it's

18:28 It's a gift. I think that's a good way of putting it for me to it's such a gift because I I think from me over many many years. I was okay with being alone. So so I'm a twin and

18:45 Many years ago. I felt that in order to establish my own independent identity I had to

18:53 Work real hard to be independent and it was something that I felt I needed to do but I think I will always have

19:03 I desire to share with someone.

19:08 If I have the choice and in so it's kind of two ends that that the kind of seemed on a position to each other but but it's okay because I think they both helped me to Value the other more being okay with being alone actually helps me now you're being with someone more and it all comes down to finding the right person because

19:35 Because I think I think it's you said gratitude. That's something I don't feel like I've had much of in my life and I find all the value in my efforts. I think the value is and whether I'm doing something for someone else as opposed to her myself, and that was probably the most difficult thing from me and being alone was finding a way to find and feel value in my life. And I got to the point where what I felt okay with it with the things that I was doing and volunteering in that sort of thing, but

20:12 It is it is so good when I have someone in my life and then you particularly because you're so you're so good to be with and you to show gratitude and it's so wonderful.

20:35 Helping and giving to others we are we are similar in that way. And so getting used to yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but I think that we are.

20:53 Enjoying it and growing in our ability to receive in relationship.

21:06 So, what do you think?

21:13 I am I wonder about years from now on and what we're going to think about this time. What are you going to think about this time how I would you describe?

21:26 You know, it's like

21:30 It is like a

21:33 An earthquake crack in the ground right where all the sudden out of nowhere the grounds would open and life as I knew it.

21:45 My professional life my personal life my individual life.

21:51 Absolutely cracked open and I didn't fall. I didn't fall into the Ravine. It was like there was a new bridge. There was a new bridge that took me to

22:08 Two totally different place and you know covid-19 pandemic stay at home order.

22:17 My life is completely different in one day my life changed.

22:24 That is what happened. And it said that when I haven't thought about that yet Fred, you know, it's like yeah, both of our lives changed the day the stay-at-home order happened.

22:40 What about you?

22:43 I think for me and that I'm I I wonder when I think about years in advance.

22:49 I think the contrast with what we're living personally versus what's going on in our times is so huge. It's if it is this time, we're this really terrible things moving through the world and it's affecting so many people in so many horrible ways. We've been so fortunate that during that time.

23:10 Our personal experience has been completely the opposite it's been so.

23:17 Rewarding and fulfilling and and meaningful. I don't know we have this this too small.

23:34 Small island in the middle of of this this stormy sea so our experience is so different, but I think that's what's really going to stand out for me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah it is. It's so crazy because I want the dependent to pass and I want life to go back to normal. I want to know what it's like to be in the real world with you and Float freely and at the same time selfishly. I'm quite happy with you the challenge for me because I don't like feeling selfish. Yeah, but I know what you mean because life life will sell you can get back to normal to some extent and all those things. We love to do, you know, cuz just walking around the town and that you had the green spaces and the farmers markets.

24:34 Will do that will do that and it'll be wonderful.

24:41 Yeah, yeah.

24:43 I wanted to ask you both. It sounds like you were both crying so much work into just like being very aware of yourselves going to the script together. How have you been continuing doing that work while you're isolated with each other?

24:58 Well for we we have got together as it as a group once when this really started we were very cautious at my home and we stayed in touch with the rest of the group just you via texting and it's not as formal. It's mostly just words of encouragement checking in on people but in my mind Nicole and I are both very very

25:33 We're very aware of ourselves. And that's just the way we are all the time. I think independent of each other. And so I think it's so many ways is just the way that we are with ourselves and then with each other if it sits

25:52 It's what we might be doing just on a much more personal level in and then going to much more tax because we're together. Yeah, and we are we built a link. We have a similar language. I guess I'm learning how to have difficult conversations and tell difficult stories that might challenge listen to waves with that counseling did naturally and so it will it might Bubble Up on a walk on the Greenbelt or it might Bubble Up preparing dinner. It might Bubble Up, you know in the morning over coffee and we can we go in and out of silliness laughing and then before, you know it we we've touched and return to a topic that we've talked about in counseling and and because we know each other much better.

26:52 The stories are connecting the timelines are connecting but the understanding of of each other's reactions and and Views and responses to the world around us has is quite deep and more more clear because we have renewed the hardest things about each other right within two weeks in this conversation, but I think we both approached each other.

27:23 With patience and acceptance and the Goodwill and in that makes all the difference and I think we had that in the sessions, but I think it's different here because it's such a personal thing and we we know each other so much more and then so much more deeply and there is there is a lot more I guess you could say just informal and fun to it because I know I am a very

27:52 I'm a very careful person and in a group of people trying to make sure that they know I'm listening and I'm taking and considering what they say. And so I think I don't show quite all of myself in the situations until I know that

28:13 He will be taken. Well, oh no. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

28:20 Sweetheart, yeah.

28:23 What do you think something is learned from each other during this time?

28:32 Well, I can say.

28:35 And I'm not speaking for you, but I would say that you you see that I have a process for everything and it was my way of dealing with raising three children by myself and working and trying to maintain my physical and emotional health and so are having kind of a process for every every everything is the way that I that I did that and

29:07 And so what I can say that I've learned from you is that that's how helpful but it's not that important and and that's a good thing to see it's something that I I knew previously it's a different thing to live into in to see it so clearly through my interactions with you and someone who's patient and caring. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, it's it's may be simple, but

29:38 Learning

29:42 How grounding and

29:47 A feeling of connection and security just because you make me coffee every morning something as simple as that little ritual with another person. There's a lot of meaning in that so

30:06 It's a it's a simple learning, but for me, it's

30:10 It's new and wonderful. Yeah, yeah.

30:15 It's good, and it's good coffee.

30:22 This is Tiger Lily also known as baby girl or girl kitty kitty right now. Nicole que no attention. So she needs to

30:41 Fred I was really interested in what you were just talking about like making that connection about raising three kids on your own and how you you had a system.

30:51 Nicole let things that you bring like from your life and all the travel that he's done and stuff like that. Like how who are you today from all of those experiences? Oh my God. What a big question.

31:08 Who am I?

31:11 In This Moment

31:19 Goodness sakes

31:22 I guess I am.

31:27 I don't know if I can answer that. I think my impression is that from the time that you graduate high school. You have taken major steps in every part of your life that showed.

31:48 Amazing growth and Independence

31:57 And so that that site that's always there in the background and I think even though you've I think that's that's not never more. So obvious in your career. I think you turned all of that.

32:15 That you learned in all of that experience and skill with that. I think you turned it toward yourself to make sure that you yourself emotionally could be very Independence and very strong and and very well developed and and you made a conscious decision. I believe to do that before you got into a serious relationship and for you it was I think there been so many things in my life that have been very intentional but for you that was one of your own personal gross gross, absolutely.

33:00 It's amazing to you know, you're able to just see that and I think I'm just still so much in the moment that I think what what if I brought what what is my experience has brought to this moment but because

33:18 Maybe it's it's awareness, you know, because I've grown such a deep awareness of myself that I can have.

33:26 A better awareness of you your experience separate from mine the people in the community, you know being able to to take it all in from

33:40 You know such a central place from inside myself. I think you have set yourself throughout your life some really challenging goals. And then you simply done what it took a commitment and practice and hard work. And when you do that with yourself to not just your little thing that I've noticed it's with me. I think I'm kind of built that way, but it's more out of necessity then.

34:14 Is deliberately

34:23 Only have about 5 minutes left to 30 thinking that you wanted to talk about or I can pose another question.

34:34 Ask another question.

34:39 What do you want people to know about you?

34:49 Well that even when

34:56 The world is falling apart, even when the world is falling apart.

35:05 Their there is goodness somewhere and you know it can start with you.

35:16 That's amazing cuz it's so similar to what I was thinking and that is that.

35:23 I iced. I think it's become so painfully.

35:29 I'm aware. I've become so painfully aware and recent years that and I'm so many people seem to be.

35:38 Coming together

35:41 But not

35:44 Natsu the best of humanity have been identifying and

35:55 In joining together through the worst of humanity and it doesn't need to be that way and I don't want to be that way and I want to be an overt example that you can face so many more challenges and come together through sharing the best people in the bathroom of humanity.

36:23 Yeah, yeah, that's right, you know and that in that, you know as stressed as people may be out in the world, you know, you can still smile through a a face mask. You can still ask, you know, are you okay? I'll see you need something, you know, you can still find happiness in a lot of simple things and I think that that the joy of of our lives right now.

36:59 Is finding

37:01 The sweetness of the simple things

37:13 Sure.