Jaycee Clark and Manuela Velasquez

[00:01] JC CLARK: My name is JC, I am 33 years old. Today is December 12, 2022. We are in San Antonio, Texas and I'm here with manuela, my conversation partner.

[00:12] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: My name is Manuela, I'm 23. Today is December 12, 2022. I'm here in San Antonio, Texas with JC who is also my conversation partner. So JC it's nice to meet you.

[00:25] JC CLARK: Pleasure.

[00:27] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: And I am wondering how has your life been different than what you'd imagined?

[00:32] JC CLARK: Good question. So being a trans woman, I grew up, I grew up in what I thought was a normal household. I was an only child for 16 years and I grew up as a boy and I didn't come out to my family until my junior senior year. So like 1718 and it was around the same time that I came out that I found out that I was adopted. And so that was super traumatizing. And so I ran away. I ran away from home, I ran away from pain and I began using drugs and I was such a good student in high school. I had straight as, I had a great job, I had two cars, one that was gifted to me, one that I bought myself. And once I graduated my drug usage just progressed and it got worse and I was drinking a lot and I always said I would never become the addict that I saw in the world, but by the age of like 23 I had become that person and I found myself to be homeless in a parking garage, you know, and then I eventually, you know, decided to get help and the only thing is like, I was getting help from my family and I wasn't doing it for me. And so, you know, I went as far as checking myself into a men's christian discipleship program just to get help, you know, and of course they like tried to pray the gay away and, you know, like told me that I was healed and all these things that we hear, you know, and so to really live, that was kind of traumatizing, you know, and it was in that program that I was diagnosed with AIDS and the doctor told me if you catch so much as a common cold you're going to die because I had let it go on for so long untreated and so I lasted 67 days sober and then I immediately relapsed and I thought, you know, if I'm sick and I'm going to die from a common cold and this disease, let me just help it along a little bit. And so I really spiraled out of control and my drug usage and my drinking just got progressively worse. And so in January of 2022, no January of 2020, I lost my partner to a heroin overdose. And then Covid happened. And so my dad was letting me stay at his. At his house for the time being. And so sitting in a room isolated from the world while grieving and living in a pandemic was just. It was out of this world, you know? And so I ended up in jail on May 2 of 2020 for probably the 8th time in six months. And it was that day that I realized I had a problem. You know? And, like, I had known I had a problem, but I was unwilling to admit it to myself. And so I decided I had to get better or I was going to end up dead or in prison. And so I detoxed for three weeks and checked myself into a program. And today I don't have AIdS anymore. Like, I'm HIV undetectable, and I'm now a college student, and I have, like, almost a 4.0 gpA. And to go from homeless to this is far better than I ever imagined. And so.

[04:46] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: That is really. That is so powerful and impressive. Just how much in your life has changed in, you know, since you started becoming an adult and, like, just the degree to which you turn it around and have made a life for yourself that you feel proud of is. That's really impressive. Can you tell me more about your thought process when you kind of decided, like, I'm getting clean, like, I'm doing this differently for myself? Like, can you tell me more about, like, what was going through your mind and, like, what that realization looked like?

[05:19] JC CLARK: Yeah. So I had overdosed many times, and it had started to happen more frequently because when I do drugs and drink, I don't know how to act, and it's really just, like, numbing the pain. And so once my dad kicked me out of his house in 2020, I realized that I had pushed literally everybody away. You know, like, I had lost my partner, which I have no control over. You know, the only person I have control over is myself and my actions. And so I had enough evidence from 16 years of addiction where I could see that life was really going downhill, you know? And so I couldn't expect my ways to change if I didn't change my ways. And so I really just made the commitment to myself in a gel cell. Like, I've got to do this for myself, you know? And I'm the kind of person that when I want to succeed at something, I make that my goal. And so that's exactly what I did. You know, I detoxed on my own. I found this place that has taken me in and loved me until I was able to love myself. And it is far beyond what I ever could have imagined.

[06:48] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: It's really powerful to be able to make that commitment to yourself. And even with everything that has happened and everything that you've experienced in your life, be able to find strength in that and really commit to that. It's really impressive. I think, going off of that, what traits do you admire most in yourself?

[07:17] JC CLARK: So some traits that I admire most in myself would be the courage. It takes a lot of courage to openly speak on being a recovering alcoholic and a drug addict. It also takes a lot of courage to talk about my HIV status publicly. I've worked through a lot of shame and guilt with both of those things, and to be on the other side of it and share that with people in the community and with the world, it's super empowering.

[07:51] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: Yeah. I mean, thank you for coming here today and sharing this space with us and sharing with me your story about that. I feel like there are things that so many people deal with and so many people live through and, like, you know, come out of stronger, and there's just not that much conversation about it. I feel like going back to, like, going back to your earlier life and, you know, the time in your life when you made a decision to run away and all of these, all of these pieces started, like, falling apart. What was running away? Like, what were those first few days like when you decided to leave?

[08:36] JC CLARK: It was freeing, you know, like, to come out to my family and in that same conversation, to find out that you're adopted. I was angry. I was so angry and I was sad. And getting ready to graduate high school, that's a lot for somebody at that age, you know, and it's so much, you know, and so the first few days, I just sort of like, you know, I kept going to school, you know, because I was committed to graduating high school. I wasn't going to quit. And no matter what, you know, like, I showed up for myself and, you know, I continued to work my job, a great job, and I just. It wasn't easy, you know, and I self medicated. I was taking pills and doing cocaine. And so, you know, I just numb the pain just to get through. And that's what I did. And I did that for many years.

[09:41] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: Yeah. I feel like when you have to rely on yourself for so much, it's difficult to find different outlets that can serve support in that moment. And I'm very proud of you for all, like, your journey and, like, where you are now. And.

[09:56] JC CLARK: Thank you.

[09:57] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: I think I'm wondering, too, like, where. Where do you find, like, what are your outlets now? Like, where do you find support? Like, what. What does your community look like now?

[10:10] JC CLARK: So, since getting sober, I just celebrated two and a half years last month, and that's the longest I've ever been clean. And, yes, you know, like, I owe it to myself. But I'm also choosing to be surrounded by like minded people today, and I have four roommates who are also in recovery. And we're a recovery community of, like, 60 plus people, you know? And I'm still in this program where I have gotten sober. The only difference is, today I have time under my belt, and I'm able to help the next person. And so this past week, I just went back to where I got my recovery and spent a whole week, you know, just, like, being in it with people who are in the same shoes I was once in. And so it's a great place to be today, you know? Cause I didn't think I was ever gonna have this life, let alone being able to help somebody heal, you know? And that's really what it's about, is just healing. It's so much more than just, like, the drugs and the alcohol, you know, it's surrounding yourself with safe people that listen and have so much compassion and understand that just because we're addicts and alcoholics doesn't mean that there's no trauma and wounds, you know? And so that's what has helped me, is just being around people that get it, you know? And we're such a tight knit group, and we talk about everything. Even on the worst of days, I know that they're gonna love me. And so I'm just so blessed today to have the support that I have.

[12:08] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: Yeah. Who do you or who do you feel has made the biggest impact on your life?

[12:15] JC CLARK: Oh, good question. So I would say it's two people. There are two people in my life today that have made the biggest impact, and their names are Terry and Rosie, and they're the founders of this program that I'm in, and they're also addicts and alcoholics in recovery. And so once they got sober, you know, they chose to listen to their spirit, and they had this vision of creating this program. And if it weren't for these two people, I seriously would not know so much about myself. You know, I probably would have never transitioned. I would have never gotten sober. I would have never. I don't think I would have ever felt as safe as I do today, you know? And, you know, it's just incredible to be on this journey with such empowering women that are so supportive of my life and my journey as an addict and a trans woman. You know, when I told them that I wanted to transition, they were like, let's do it, you know? And they're like parents to me, in a sense, parents that I never had.

[13:39] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: It's really special to have those people in your life. What do you think? Is there anything in particular that. That reflecting on your relationship with them, is there anything that feels like the most significant thing that they've taught you?

[13:55] JC CLARK: Based on my relationship with Terry and Rosie, the most significant thing that they have taught me would be that it's okay to feel feelings are not wrong. And if I'm sad, that doesn't make me a sad person or if I'm angry. Anger is not wrong, and it's healthy to feel, and it's healthy to talk about your feelings. And I didn't grow up in a home where that was safe, nor did it happen. And so for them to have given me such space to do all of these things as an adulthood, I'm grateful. Like, I seriously, I'm so grateful for the life I have today, and it's all because of them and myself. You know, I can't give them all the credit because I've made the commitment to do the work, and they're like ride or die people, genuine people that get it. You know, they're not just addicts and alcoholics. Like, they have walked through the same things I have. And so to be on this journey and sharing that with someone that truly understands it will forever hold a place in my heart.

[15:18] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: No, it sounds like you have a lot of really powerful relationships with people that you have. You have, like, decided, like, these people can be my family, and these people can be my support network. And it's really special that you've been able to have them on your journey and have made your own way with these people. I don't know. I feel like, as you were saying, too, it's more than the fact that they're recovering addicts and alcoholics as well. They're with you in so many more ways than that. And you had mentioned that they were really supportive of your transition. And following that journey, would you mind telling me more about what transitioning was like and what that journey was like?

[16:04] JC CLARK: Yeah, of course. So when I was younger, shortly after graduating, I knew that I wanted to be a woman, and so I attempted to transition at the age of 20. But I got involved with the wrong crowd of people. That led me some, led me down some dark paths. And so once I really spiraled into my addiction, I lost myself, you know? And so once I got sober this time, you know, I came into this program as a man. And once I started to heal the wounds and the trauma, you know, I was able to acknowledge the fact that I do. I am a woman, you know, and I'm willing to go through that process. And so coming out as a trans woman to save people, I've never felt so loved in my life, you know, because my family's not supportive at all. And so to have these two people, you know, like, encouraging me to live my most authentic self, I just have no words, you know? And it wasn't like I had to just, like, it's not like I had to go looking for the answer to transition. Like, I just had to listen to myself and listen to my spirit and listen to the universe and just trust that and not question myself. And that's been probably the biggest part. It's just, like, really honoring what I feel. So here I am now, like, two and a half years into this journey, and I'm one of the happiest women I know. Really. It's a gift. It's a gift, and I get to share it with so many people every weekend, and that takes so much courage. And, you know, I just. It's wild. It's been a ride.

[18:30] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: It really has been. Yeah. I mean, your relationship with yourself and your relationship with the people that you have in your community and, like, the way that you honor your happiness and honor the whole journey that you've taken is so empowering. And I'm really. I'm excited for the rest. Like, your journey as it continues, too, I mean, it's. It's really. It's something powerful. And so now I would like to ask you, too, how would you like to be remembered?

[19:05] JC CLARK: How would I like to be remembered? I would like to be remembered as someone that was a part of the. No matter what club and what that means for me is, like, no matter what life has thrown me, I see it today in the perception, perception that everything has happened for me and not to me, you know, because we as humans, can fall victim to the things that we think are happening to us, you know? And I live my life like that. And so to be able to take my life and look at the collective and know that every situation in my life has happened for my highest and greatest good, that's what I want people to know is, like, if I can do it, you can do it, you know, because at one point, I thought I was gonna die, and I wanted to die, you know, that was my mission. But, like, no matter what lemons life has handed me, I have made lemonade. And I know that sounds so cliche, but I've done it, you know, and hasn't always been graceful, but it's so worth it, you know, and to be determined and courageous and empowered and strong, you know, these are things that I want people to remember me by.

[20:35] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: Yeah, you mentioned that. You know, at one point in your life, your mission was to die. What do you feel your mission is now?

[20:46] JC CLARK: My mission today is to live life to the fullest. I have so many dreams and goals, and I'm living them, you know? Like, I didn't think I was ever going to go to college, let alone be making such good grades. You know, my first semester, I ended up on the dean's list, and I was like, I don't even know what the dean's list is. You know? And so it's just sometimes it doesn't feel real at all, you know? It is far more than I ever could have dreamed of, you know? And I don't know where life's gonna take me. The only thing I can focus on right now is this moment, because, one, tomorrow's not a promise, and two, if I'm living here in the present, I mean, life can be great. So that's my goal right now, is just to be right here, right now. And I think that's all we have. You know, I can put things on the calendar, but it's not to say they're going to happen or things won't change.

[21:58] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: Yeah, that's a really good point, I think. Well, I would love to learn more about your present. And so what are you studying at college?

[22:07] JC CLARK: So, I'm currently a sophomore at San Antonio College. I'm getting an associates right now in business administration. I've got almost all of my basics out of the way, which has been interesting. I've done it all online, so I'm being super self motivated. I'm not so much into the going to the campus thing, and so. But to just be so committed to, like, my recovery and school, you know, I owe that to myself. And so once I'm done with this degree, I mean, I would like to get a bachelor's degree, but I also, in a place of. I don't know. You know, I have no idea.

[22:57] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: You take it moment by moment, literally, degree by degree?

[23:00] JC CLARK: Yeah. You sure? Right. Class by class, you know, and just rolling with it.

[23:10] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: What are you hoping to. Well, I know you had mentioned before we started recording that you work at a cafe on the weekends.

[23:17] JC CLARK: I do.

[23:18] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: What do you enjoy about that work? And I don't know, what are your goals for how you spend your time these days?

[23:25] JC CLARK: So the cafe that I work at is probably one of the most popular restaurants here in San Antonio. I mean, what's crazy is we are one of those donation based restaurants. And so when you come in, you're greeted by all these people who are grateful to be alive and grateful to be who they are, and we're all addicts and alcoholics in recovery.

[23:53] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: Really?

[23:53] JC CLARK: Yeah. Which is wild, you know, like, and so, like, to just be in. In the weekend in service, you know, getting outside of ourselves with these people who are walking the same journey that I'm on and sharing our stories with so many people every weekend, you know, we never know who we're going to impact. And so, you know, I don't have to do anything that I don't want to in life, but I choose to wake up every morning, you know, suit up and show up and be the best version of myself for the next person that's going to come through our doors, because someone did that for me, you know, and I would have never found this cafe and this program that I'm in had it not been for someone that I know eating pancakes and someone sharing their story with her, you know, and now I get to be that person for somebody else, and that's wild to me. And so super grateful.

[25:05] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: It's like, I feel like giving back is not necessarily the exact right word, but I feel like you, you have such. This focus on, you know, sharing and increasing people's opportunities to be able to experience life as a gift. And, like, you. You've mentioned that, you know, it is a gift for you now. And, yeah, I feel like that's a really wonderful opportunity to be able to work with so many people in similar situations and, like, keep spreading that appreciation and spreading that.

[25:37] JC CLARK: Yeah, it's really positive space. It's just becoming a part of the ripple effect, you know? And, you know, I don't want to say going with the flow because that is codependent, in my opinion. And so. But to just be a part of that ripple effect and just like you said, you know, paying it forward and. And giving, you know, like, truly getting outside of yourself, if there's something that.

[26:08] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: You could go back and tell your 16 year old self right now. What would you want to tell that person?

[26:15] JC CLARK: If I could go back to my 16 year old self, I would say, life's not easy, and it's okay to be who you are. Because at 16, I had just started drug usage, and if I had someone in my life to tell me otherwise or that could see it, I would probably be in a different place, you know, but I can't. I can't change it, you know? So if I could just tell my 16 year old self anything, it would be be authentically who you want to be and embrace it.

[27:10] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: Let me think of what else I might ask you. You know? Hmm. It's okay. If you don't want to answer this question, feel free to just skip it. But would you. Would you be able to tell me about one of your most difficult memories?

[27:36] JC CLARK: One of my most difficult memories? Yeah, I can do that. So in my addiction, I was a heavy drinker, and I drank hard liquor literally from the time I woke up to the time I passed out. And there was this one particular day that I had been drinking all day, and my favorite thing to do was to drink and get in an Uber and go to the nearest bar. And so that's what I did on this day. And, you know, I frequented this bar, and it just happened to be in the same parking lot as another bar. And so I had gone to this 1 bar on this one day and had many drinks on top of what I had already had. And then I stumbled my way across the parking lot to this other bar. And when you're intoxicated, you hear everything through a filter. And people are usually sensitive. I was sensitive, and I also didn't have a filter. And so it led to a physical altercation, and I blacked out, and I was physically beaten with a tire tool. And the last thing I remember is laying in the parking lot with blood all over me. And then I woke up in ICU on life support, and that's probably one of the hardest days and probably one of the most gnarliest experiences I have ever had. You know, and I have a scar that. That I will forever remember it by. You know, it was scary to wake up by yourself in ICU on life support and having know really what recollection of what happened because I wasn't sober, and that's hard to wrap your hands around.

[29:56] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: Yeah. I can only imagine, like, waking up and just coming into the realization all at once of, like, what situation you're in and where you are and what's going on. Thank you for sharing that with me. I appreciate it. Yeah, I think about ten. What is one of your favorite memories that you have?

[30:21] JC CLARK: One of my favorite memories would be. Hmm, I would say I have two. Okay. So receiving my acceptance letter to San Antonio college, I squealed like a pig just because I didn't think it was going to happen. And so that is probably by far one of my most favorite memories. And then being able to film a commercial last summer to promote HIV awareness and trans health. Yeah, those would be two of my favorite memories just because I didn't think I was ever going to do these things, you know? And so when these opportunities land in my lap, I'm like, okay, God, you know, like, thanks, I'll take a little more, you know? You know, if I can just impact one person in the world, I know I've succeeded.

[31:26] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: You really have, it sounds like. And, yeah, I mean, I know that, like, a lot of these opportunities, it's like, it can feel so surprising. Like, oh, my gosh, this is happening. But those are all things that you deserve to. That is. That is, like, success and growth on your journey that you have really earned through everything you've gone through and everything you've reflected on thinking more about. You know, it sounds like health has really played a lot of different roles in your life, and I'm wondering more about your journey with HIV and being at this place now where it's undetectable. Like, what? What was it like? What was it like living with HIV? And what was it like to arrive at this place where, you know, it's not really as prominently affecting your health anymore?

[32:14] JC CLARK: So when I was diagnosed in 2017, I was in this small east town, I mean, East Texas town, where a lot of homophobia and transphobia, you know, and so the doctor came into this little, tiny office room, and I just automatically knew something was up. And so to be treated almost like a monster, in a sense, it just sort of, like. It was gut wrenching, you know, and not being educated on the disease and not knowing where to go, you know, like, for a doctor just to walk in and be like, hey, here's this, and best of luck, you know, and it's like, what do you do with this? Who do I call? You know, where's the help button? You know? And so it has been such a journey, and to have been diagnosed with AIDS and also an addict who is 67 days sober, there's no, like, directional map to go, you know, where's the handbook for this? And so it hasn't been easy, you know, it has taken me several years to get to this place of undetectable status, and that just happened this year. But it's because I, you know, I fell down a few times and I got right back up, and I didn't give up. And luckily today I have, like, the greatest medical team, and I go see them when I'm supposed to, you know, and they call me and check on me, or they come into the cafe to check on me, you know, they send me my prescriptions through the mail, you know, to make it easier for me. And it's like I gotta trust the timing of my life. And, you know, God puts people in my life for a reason. And so I just don't think I was ready years ago to have these people in my life, you know? And I think all of the trials and tribulations that I went through and all the little hurdles I had to jump have really made me into the person I am today. And I'm grateful for each hurdle, you know, so grateful.

[35:05] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: I think it's really interesting what you said, like, you weren't ready to have these people in your life, like, a few years before. You know, do you think that's coming from your relationship with trust, or what do you think made you more ready to receive these kinds of people and these kinds of help at a little later point in your life?

[35:27] JC CLARK: I would say it's vulnerability. I was not very vulnerable with people in my past, and when I was, I would sabotage those relationships so fast. And so, you know, I think once I started to have, like, this clear mind and this alignment with my highest self and spirit, you know, I've been able to have these deep interactions and these human connections that have been so beneficial, so beneficial.

[36:04] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: Mm hmm. Your life journey is so. I feel like it is so special that you have taken everything you've lived with and everything you've learned and experienced and arrived at this place of not only, like, finding so many opportunities for you to be your best self, but it really feels like you just have really embraced, like, reflecting on everything and embraced, like, using all of that knowledge to, like, move, move forward, move through the moment, and, like, share that with other people. I think that's a very impressive skill to have for someone who has experienced so much. I know I just met you, but I'm proud of you.

[36:45] JC CLARK: Thank you. Thank you. My mantra lately has become, you grow through what you go through in life, you know? And if I see myself as a. I sort of see myself as a flower, you know, and flowers don't bloom without dirt, you know, and so grow through what you go through in life. And it's always and always, you know, and so I have really embraced that today, and it seems to be working.

[37:19] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: Jacy, as we come to the end of our conversation, is there anything else that you would like to share either, about yourself, your life, your outlook?

[37:28] JC CLARK: I don't think so. I think that's it.

[37:31] MANUELA VELASQUEZ: Well, thank you so much, JC, for coming in and sharing your story with me. I really appreciate getting to listen.

[37:39] JC CLARK: Yeah, well, thank you.