Kiki on her 50th birthday

00:02 All right. My name is Poonam Dubal. I am 37 years old. Today is June 24, 2024, and I.

00:13 Am speaking with Kiki Mariotti, aka Raquel Mariotti.

00:20 And you are 50.

00:24 50 years old, a big five o.

00:27 And Kiki is my friend and my very good friend soul sister. And we are recording out of my home in Dallas, Texas. So, Kiki, yes.

00:44 As my neighbor. Also.

00:46 Yes, also as a neighbor, which is so cool. We're gonna go. We're gonna start, like, kind of at the beginning, right? We're gonna capture all of Kiki. So tell me a little bit about where you grew up and what it was like.

01:02 I grew up in El Paso, Texas, and it was, I think, kind of a unique experience in comparison to, like, other growing up stories I've heard. Mostly in the sense that when I entered my teenage hood, then we were able to get over the border and go to Juarez, Mexico.

01:24 Wow.

01:25 And that meant that we were a 20 minutes drive, and I had actually a babysitter at the time who was not a very good babysitter, who became a friend and decided to corrupt us by taking us over the border. Sweet. So that we could have fun. And, you know, I would say I was spending the night at my best friend's, and she would say, spending the night at my place, and while I was an all nighter at the club in Juarez when we were 14 years old. 14. And we were not drinking because that wasn't really. We weren't, like, rebellious in that way. We were just so excited that we were at a nightclub at 14 years old, like, dance to our favorite music, and we would go to this place called the alive, and it was, like. Looked like a little cave.

02:13 Oh, my gosh.

02:14 We basically just danced until dawn and then came home, and we're completely pooped the next day.

02:19 I mean, the dream. The dream. That's incredible.

02:22 I know. It was really. Yeah, it was. It was crazy and amazing. And as it went on and progressed into my higher years of high school, then it was probably, like, my worst nightmare would be that my kids grew up like me, because it was way too. Too much. Too much. Yeah.

02:44 Got it.

02:44 Got it. I'm 50, and I'm here, and I'm doing okay. So, you know, strange things happen that are part of our path.

02:52 Absolutely.

02:53 Absolutely.

02:55 So tell me a little bit about your family. Like, where's your mom's family from? Where's your dad's family from?

03:01 So my mom's family is from Brooklyn, New York.

03:05 New York.

03:06 Yeah. And my dad's family is from Israel and supposedly 7th generation from Israel, which is pretty bit rare on my grand, my paternal grandmother's side. My dad's father immigrated to Israel from Lithuania. He was in a, basically it was a pogrom and he got banished from his family, got killed, and he left at eleven years old and went to Israel. Yeah, it was, wow. I mean, when I think about it, I'm like just head shaking, like, unbelievable. And he was very studious, very academic. He became a principal of a school, wrote math textbooks, was just all about academia. And then my mom's family were. So my mom's grandfather was a divorce attorney in Brooklyn and moved to El Paso because he could take his clients, there was a lot of rigid divorce laws in New York and he could take his clients over the border in Mexico and get him divorced lickety split. And it was a business move. So this is why people say, how did you end up in El Paso? Nice jewish girl from Brooklyn and fathers from Israel. That makes no sense. Well, that's why. So business move got his clients divorced really fast, talked my parents into moving out to El Paso because they said, this city is awesome. You can have a house, you don't have to have an apartment, you could have a pool. The weather is warm, like, talk them all into it. And then they ended up going out there and going to UTEP and putting each other through school at UTEP with like hardly any money. Yeah. And they have quite a success story, actually. That's really like something to behold. So it's a special, incredible, weird, crazy story that. Yeah, yeah, I imagine everyone has like their weird, crazy story. So that's definitely mine.

05:25 Yes. Is there like, do you want to like share a little bit about like what that success is like, looked like? What do you mean by that?

05:32 Well, so briefly, my, so my parents had literally no money. My dad immigrated from Israel. He fought in the six day war, 1967, and then moved to New York, like trying to follow his pot of, find his pot of gold at the end of the rainbow kind of thing. Like, let's go to America where everything's like, yeah, you know, everything. Money grows on trees and not so much these days, but back in the seventies it was a little different.

06:05 Yeah.

06:05 And to get through college, he really struggled. Cause he didn't hardly, he hardly spoke the language. And so he used to actually copy my mom. He would like cheat with my mom and my mom would actually tell him, like, you're not allowed to cheat off of me. But he would do it anyway. And she would, like, cover his paper on the test, and he would get mad at her.

06:27 Oh, my gosh.

06:28 Yeah. And a love story, but they. Yes, a true love story. They did get through school together, but one of the ways they did that was because my dad has o negative type blood or something like that. Like, the rarest. I think it's, like, the rarest, but it's also the one that can be, like, universal. Yeah. For everybody.

06:53 That's amazing.

06:53 So he used to, like, they put dinner on the table by him donating his and his plasma on a regular basis, and that was kind of where things started out for them. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Yeah.

07:08 That's amazing.

07:09 And now he's, like, a very successful real estate.

07:11 Yeah.

07:12 You know, he owns his own real estate company, and 40 years later.

07:16 Wow.

07:16 It's kind of crazy. That's amazing where it all began.

07:20 Yeah. Truly. Well, so tell me next about someone who's had a big influence in your life. What lessons did that person teach you?

07:34 So the person that stands out first in my mind, and my mom is gonna hate this, but it was Lisa Wellens. So she was my first real, really good therapist. And when I was in, well, I struggled throughout my life with eating and body image and from really, like, the ripe age of, like, third grade was when it kind of began and ended up evolving into, like, a full blown eating disorder I had. I was bulimic when I was in high school. It was. It was not good. It was not good. And I finally told my gynecologist, actually, when I was, like, a senior in high school, because I was afraid of what I was doing to myself and started out in therapy in El Paso. But that was not really what affected my. My healing process. But Lisa Wellens, she was a therapist I found in Austin when I was in college at University of Texas at Austin, go Longhorns. And she was a licensed clinical social worker and inspired my path as a licensed clinical social worker and also taught me what it means to trust your. Your body's messages and signals and to listen to that voice and guidance inside and to listen to my intuition around what I put in my body and to meditate, even though I didn't actually sit down and meditate for, like, ten years after I was with her, because I just had so much resistance around that. And to. She read us women who run with the wolves. She read us the seal story from that, and she was a powerful change maker in my life who inspired me in my path of healing and wanting to help others heal and find their intuition and find their own body's messages. And. Yeah, it was like, it changed this horrible, vicious cycle that I was in that wouldn't let up. That was just cyclical. And diet and food and binging and diet and food and binging and purging. It was just. It was awful. And it was. It affected my relationship with myself or affected my relationships with my. My friends, my, like, romantic. Really. I couldn't really have that in my life because I. It was such a secret that I had to keep, you know, from anyone. And it was really. Yeah. I really just so feel for people who have to, you know, live lives in the closet because it's such a painful reality.

11:02 Yeah.

11:03 And I know so many that they do.

11:06 Oh, absolutely.

11:07 That we just, you know, there's the lack of integration, and that self integration is just. It's so massive.

11:18 Mm hmm. What do you mean by self integration?

11:23 I mean, the. So the idea that comes to mind first is really stems from when I first found meditation, and I actually really dropped in to this teaching that I heard, which was, you are born perfect. You are, you. You are a reflection of perfection. Your spark in the world is perfection in and of itself. And that what changes this idea or what changes that perfection are the ideas and the illusions that we have, and that gets kind of baked into our messaging and environment and the, you know, ways that were brought up and the societal messages and so forth. And to really drop into this idea that I'm okay and have quiet and stillness around that, I could literally feel the wires in my brain kind of rewiring. And, yeah, it was like a literal sensation of, like, that disassociation, that shadow and light side, the side that I think is okay to show to the public. And the side that I think is, I can't. And I need to just keep it locked up with lock and key. It was all that started to just, like, I started to just meld. Yeah. And just say, it's okay, and I can love myself and I can allow others in. And it wasn't, like, you know, one big miracle all in one moment, but it's a process. It set the trajectory for that. And so, yeah, I mean, and that didn't happen till years later, but when I first. What I mean by that integration is really self forgiveness and self acceptance and finding kind of the spaces and the settings and the community and the people that are also gonna support that.

13:56 Oh, that's so huge. Yeah. Because we exist in relation to others.

14:00 Yeah. And it's there, and there's other good. There are going to be other people who don't accept that or who continue to reinforce that disconnection. But we can choose, especially as adults, right. When we kind of grow into our adulthood more, to find those people that are going to be reinforcing that loving, tender, forgiving and accepting space.

14:34 Yes.

14:37 Yeah. And it's big.

14:39 Yeah. That is big.

14:41 It's transforming.

14:42 Thank you for sharing that.

14:44 Thank you for listening.

14:45 Yeah. So what are you proudest of in your life, Kiki, so far?

14:53 What am I proudest of? You know, I mean, the first thing that comes to mind are my kids. And I guess when I say that because, like, having kids and then being a mother to kids or to different things.

15:22 Yeah.

15:23 And being a mother, so I think more accurately would be how I'm showing up as a mother to my kids. And, I mean, I say that in a very humbling, humble way because I know that I have my hiccups and I trip and fall and sometimes my kids drive me, you know, nutso. And. But I do. I do have a passion for, you know, in this path of transformation for myself and personal growth. And I've also, through my work as a licensed clinical social worker and working for Dallas ISD and in the school district for many years. And I've really gotten to a chance to dig in to child development and the ways that children, the ways that we children hide and the ways that children are traumatized and the ways that children heal and the ways that parents relate to their children and just, like, fascinated by all of these teachings and lessons. And I do, with my heart's biggest intention, try to align and live in that vein, in that, you know, trying to go to go to bed at night feeling like I, I did. Okay, I'm.

17:13 You showed up.

17:14 I showed up. And, yeah, I mean, one of my spiritual vows is, is living in intention. And so when I, you know, kind of find myself being frustrated with them or whatever, then I always try to give them a reason so that they're clear on what my intention is and how we can kind of balance that out and I bring us back into harmony. Yeah. So, yeah, so I think that's one thing that I'm proud of myself of.

17:49 That is something to be proud of. I want to parent your children, and it's beautiful.

17:56 Thank you, Poonam.

17:57 Yeah.

17:58 Yeah.

17:59 They're sweet, sweet kids for the most part.

18:03 I think they show their colors differently when they're in front of people that are not their mom, obviously.

18:10 And that's, like, such a sign of safety. Right. It's like, here's who I am with my mom.

18:16 Yeah, they definitely let it loose.

18:20 So in addition to, like, being, you know, being interested in, like, child development and, like, you know, like, kind of the sort of salutary effect of, like, positive relationships between kids and parents, I know that you're also very interested and have sort of have this, like, passion for, like, relationships and intimacy of, like, the romantic variety and, like, what gets people going and how people connect and, like, what, what about that is so beautiful to you and, like, what kind of. Tell me about. About that passion and, like, where it arose.

19:01 Poonam you get me a little bit. Yeah. So, yes, I definitely have a passion for this. I think when I distill my passion to kind of a single flame, if you will, then, you know, my. My kids and raising my kids was very much like, I guess you could say my passion, my purpose, I feel more like my purpose and some a purpose I feel I felt proud of. And it was challenging when their dad and I split up when they were two and four, and I really didn't know the direction my life was heading. I really didn't know what, what was to come. It was very scary time for me, and I. And I had a mantra in my life that was, I am inviting good people into my life. I am inviting good people into my life. And every day I would chant that and I would meditate on that, and I invited good people into my life. It really worked. So one of the people that I invited into my life, and she invited me as well. Her name is Jessica Tartaro, who I'm really not close with anymore, but she was an intimacy coach and also ran circles called speak up, where she guided us through relating games called authentic relating. And they were there to offer us communication tools to help deepen bonds between us and help move through more meaningful conversation, awkward moments, shadowy sides. It was. I took on a leadership role in those games after some time. And what I called it was mindfulness in action, because to me, it was really a meditation in action. It was naming what was present for me as a human in relation with someone else and then having a back and forth about really naming what was present in order to bring some realness, some authenticity, some understanding and self empowerment into the relationship is really about honoring the space that lives in between two people.

22:08 Yeah.

22:09 And it was hugely powerful. One of the ways that Jessica had put it was that it's kind of like touching into your eros. Like, it's a way of lighting ourselves up from the inside out. And she kind of called it orgasmic, which, I mean, there's a. That's a perspective, but it really. There really is a thread that moves through for me when I'm relating and connecting with someone in a meaningful way. And there seems to be a back and forth, and I get to hear their experience, and they get to hear mine, and we both get to feel seen in that space that is super energizing and just lights. Lights me up and does feel like I'm tapping into a quality of life that's exciting and real. And so that has felt really important to me. It also aligns with this idea of experiencing pleasure in our lives. And so I've been on this theme and this, like, trajectory also of understanding this. This light that we can bring into our lights and we can share with others as a form. It is a form of sensuality. It is a form of pleasure. It is a form of eros. It's just maybe for, you know, I've learned that we all kind of experience that in different ways. Right? Some of us through intercourse, some of us through intelligent, intellectual conversations, some of us through smelling flowers, all kinds of. Right? There's just all kinds of ways that we, like, touch into that sacred place. And so I just love that. I just think, like, yeah, those are the gems. Through poetry, through song, through dance, there's all these little, you know, portals through seeing something beautiful in nature. And so, yeah, that was really a turning point when, like, meeting her. And then I met my beloved John Mariotti. I met him through these circles, and I just was able to establish some really meaningful friendships and connections using. Using these tools and then allowing the tools to kind of propel me in this way forward for just what else? How is this, like, lotus flower opening up to me to give me these beautiful, sweet, energizing, like, pearls that I get to live into and invite others into if they should dare? Because I think sometimes people are kind of like, yeah, thanks, but no, thanks.

25:22 Sure.

25:23 Yeah, right. And then, you know, but it's definitely been just a learning process and something I totally opened up to.

25:32 Yeah, well, it sounds like it's, like, almost, like, kind of, like, tapping into this, like, really, like, deep well spread of, like, power and energy and really deep love that, like, can be accessed and can show up in all these different ways. And, like, one of those ways is through, like, the connection between two people. And that's incredible that it's done in, like, such a. Like, you're talking about doing it in, like, a really purposeful authentic way that I think is missing from a lot of connection.

26:08 Yeah. Yeah.

26:09 Is that fair?

26:10 Yeah, yeah, it was. It was tapping into a wellspring. I feel like in some ways, like, my whole life, I've been kind of clamoring to be seen. Like, just, here I am, you know, this is the real me. I'm. Yeah, I'm kind of weird, and. Yeah, I'm kind of a lot. And, yeah, I kind of, like, get hyper sometimes really fast, and sometimes, like, my nervous system is totally unregulated, but I still want to be seen, and I want to see you, and I want to play in that space. And so it's like. It is for those who kind of want to dive into, like, some of that. That is, like, you know, just life stuff. Like the good, juicy bits. I'm in there. I love it. And I want to, you know, dive in more and be tender and gentle with each other in it, but, yeah, I think it's so I've gotten to a place in my life now where I really struggle with, like, superficial chitchat.

27:26 Yeah.

27:26 And I. Yeah. Like, when it gets to be little, you know, what do they call it? Just. Just that.

27:33 Small talk.

27:34 Yeah, small talk. Thank you. Yeah, I struggle. I don't. I feel my fuse getting shorter and shorter with that, where I'm like, oh, my God, I can only deal with this for so long. I'm gonna, like, tear my skin off. Just tell me what drives you. Just tell me about your. Damn it. Yeah. And then sometimes I'll do that. And then we start opening up pandora's box, and it's like, oh. Oh, shit. What? No. What? Did we just do that? So it's always, like, with a little bit of boldness and risk and opening up and sharing our hearts, but, yeah, I feel like, why not? Life is short. Let's be there in those spaces with each other. Share the darkness and the beauty of all. Of the whole shebang.

28:25 The whole shebang, the whole enchilada. We want it all.

28:30 Yes.

28:32 So another question, maybe somewhat related, is how would you describe or define some of the qualities of feminine energy? What does that mean to you?

28:48 Okay. Feminine energy.

28:51 And you can also talk about masculine energy if you prefer to talk about them kind of together.

28:57 Yeah. I don't know that I could talk about one without the other, because I do see life and this planet and just all of the energies in the universe as being a yin and a yang, really. Right. There's the masculine and the feminine that are just constantly flowing in, in connection with each other. And so through, through my learning and also my witnessing and experience, then my. What I get is that I do feel that I have a strong feminine energy that is kind of tied into flow and a little bit of my Gemini self, which I think is, like, a little scattered and a little bit, like, thinking about everything at the same time or spinning all the wheels kind of together and, like, seeing how they're gonna fit or not fit and managing a lot of things, and I feeling into the details of things. And so, yeah, that, like, that feels a lot like feminine energy also being like a receiver, like I do. I see it as a receiver, as a. As a mystery, as the darkness, as the. I mean, in some sense, like, there's a great deal of strength that I see in the gentle kind of receiver quality, the quieter, more mysterious quality that they're like. I almost could compare it kind of similar. Like baby in the room. Like how when a baby enters a room, then people just turn into mush.

31:11 Mm hmm.

31:12 It's like, oh, look at this fighting that's going on. Stop. Drops away, and it's just like a different quality that this baby brings out in people. And I love that. I see that as the. As the feminine energy, in a sense, like this gentle, tender energy. And then when it works with the masculine, then the masculine holds the space. The masculine contains it. The masculine is a structure for it. The masculine propels it forward. The masculine is the radiating sun raise. The masculine is the. Is the pusher or the thing that gives, the thing that drives. Yeah. And so together. Right. Then there's some beautiful harmony that can come from that and just being more in touch with the yin and the yang and appreciating how that natural way of being and is all around us. How that I. How I can, if I can honor that and align with it, then other things in my life tend to make more sense and be. Feel more in the flow.

32:51 Yeah. Yeah.

32:53 There's not, like, such a fight. It's not like trying so hard. Okay, I'm seeing this. Yeah. Yeah. And if there's a dominant force, which in our society, being so dominantly patriarchal.

33:11 Yeah.

33:11 Then. Then, unfortunately, the feminine energy is not appreciated. And, well, here we are today with the leadership that we have in this country or, you know, anyway, just the president, you know, who is running for president. And just what, you know, the conflict and the way that I think it's showing up as, like, this, needing to revert back to this strength, old strength that is antiquated and not really healthy. Yeah. As opposed to finding the strength in how both can flow together and.

33:57 Yeah. And finding, like, finding the wisdom in. And valuing both.

34:02 Yeah.

34:02 It's not a value place.

34:04 There's really not. Yeah. For women nor children or elderly. I mean, really, those that are in that place that's less. That's less powerful or even power less, then it's like. It's like. It's. Yeah. Totally undervalued.

34:27 Yeah.

34:27 And it's not. Okay. It's a sickness. I see it as a real sickness. Sickness.

34:33 Yeah.

34:33 I'm very sad.

34:36 I agree.

34:37 Yeah.

34:38 Speaking of sad, when was the last time you cried? And about what?

34:46 That's a good one, I think. Really? So the last time that I cried, Washington. It was about a week ago, and it was. It was after. It wasn't right after I talked to my mom, but it was like, maybe driving down the street, like, a day after and kind of coming back to our conversation. And I do feel a sense of grieving over the way that our connection is. Is currently and that it's been troubled for decades. But I've kind of made. I've made peace with it. I've made peace with the fact that we are not friends. We're not friends. We're not friendly. I love her because she's my mother, and she gave birth to me, and she brought me into the world, and she did an amazing job in many ways. She also, you know, we also just push each other's buttons and we bump up against each other, and we have since I was 13 years old. And so it's like, we'd been trying to figure this out since I was 13 or maybe not quite since then. That was, like, my teenagers, but probably in my twenties, and I finally just came to peace with that. You know, it's not. We're not gonna be on those kind of personal, friendly terms. We're not gonna get deep with each other. It's not a possibility. And every once in a while, the grief just hits, and it just brings some tears out.

36:41 Yeah.

36:42 And I don't know where, you know, where it's going. And I just really am grateful she has someone who cares about her and her life, a partner who really seems to be there for her. And I just wish her all the best that she just can find her way and feel her support and her friendships.

37:10 Yeah.

37:11 For herself, because I'm finding that for myself.

37:15 Right.

37:16 It's not supposed to be with her in this close kind of way.

37:21 Yeah, I hear that. I hear, like, the balance of, like, both acceptance and just layers of grief that come up. The grief isn't a one time thing, but, yeah. Shows up at different times in different ways.

37:34 Yeah.

37:36 Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. So I'm curious. I have just a couple of questions left. So, one is, do you have any wisdom to pass on about love or life? So you could either think about, like, what wisdom 20 year old Kiki needed to hear and. Or, like, if someone is, like, about to embark upon their life, you know, they've got, like, the whole world of possibility ahead of them. What would you, what would you want them to know?

38:17 Well, I've. It circles back, really, to some of what I've shared about trusting your. Your intuition and listening to your guidance, carving out space and time to listen. We live in a world of distractions like never before. And it really is a choice that one must make to carve out that time to gain a practice of. Of listening to intuition, listening to guidance. And I hate to sound cliche, but, like, loving and accepting yourself for who you are. And I would say living also, this is a big part of it, too, but living in your vital energy. So if you have a little pooch for a stomach, if you got love handles hanging out the side of your jeans, like, I sweated that stuff for so long, and now I just don't care. And I have probably the biggest pooch that I've had in my life. And, I mean, there's still, like, a grain of me that cares a little. Little grain, but I don't care enough to where it's gonna affect me. And I really base my emphasis on how do I feel. And if I get up and exercise every day, I feel better that day. And if I put things in my body that are nourishing and that are from the earth and I put water in my body and, you know, good, healthy, nourishing nutrients, I feel better in my body. And if I create a day that is balanced with, you know, work and being productive and caring for self and connecting with others and feeling the outside air, I'm gonna be better for the day. So all of those things, I think, are, like, bits of wisdom that I would definitely give my younger self and hopes that maybe she might listen and not get so caught up in the everyday, like, I have to please everyone else but myself kind of mentality.

40:35 Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

40:38 Yeah.

40:38 Hopefully someone will hear this and they'll just get it, and they wouldn't have to go through all the silliness.

40:45 Wouldn't that be great?

40:46 Wouldn't that be lovely?

40:47 Yes.

40:47 Yeah.

40:48 Yes.

40:49 So, okay, my last question.

40:51 Okay.

40:52 If this was our very last conversation, it's not gonna be no, because I'll literally call you later. But just the thought, is there anything that you would want to say to me?

41:09 I just have to take that in. Yes, I would. I. So, punam, you know, you and I, we met, I think, in some interesting circumstances that were mixed up with work and personal life and, like, very big personal changes in life and big decisions.

41:57 I was going through divorce. Mm hmm.

41:59 Right. I'll just name it. Okay. Okay. I know I'm being vague on purpose.

42:03 That's okay.

42:03 But. Yeah. And really, like, spreading the butterfly wings and, like, really saying, I'm gonna be free, I'm gonna find freedom, and I'm gonna feel this, what this life has to offer, and just saying it has me have chills all over my body. Because you were. It's like you were inspired by me, but I was inspired by you, and you have continued to be an inspiration for me because you just take life by the rose stems. Thorny, but beautiful. And you dive in and you say yes to all kinds of crazy, wild shit. You say yes, like I do. You say you come, you paint, and you create, and you try things, and you take different jobs, and you show up as a leader, and you facilitate shit, and you, like, handle crises. You know, like, just a rock, you know, like, fully centered. And you just have continually shown me this human that you are that is just exhilarates me and is just such a gift to be a reflection of and to be a receiver of the light that you bring. Like, you're so luminous, and so for this to be. If this was our last conversation, I would be. I would be pretty fucked up.

44:05 Luckily, it's not. Luckily, it's not.

44:08 Yeah.

44:08 Thank you for saying, yeah.

44:10 You should know all that. You bring me so much joy. And even in a couple of conversations that we've had that have been, like, a little sticky where we've had to, like, get through things, I've always. I've left with, like, we just got deeper, and it just, like, that kind of thing just, you know, it makes me so grateful to be in this friendship with you and I. Yeah. I just feel like we're. We sisters, girl.

44:43 Yeah, we are.

44:44 Yeah.

44:45 Yeah.

44:46 Just gonna continue.

44:47 We've got just a couple of seconds left, but, Kiki, I'm so glad that we were able to hear from your beautiful, wild wise.

44:59 Just.