Liya's Burdensome Prep School Experience

00:02 Hi. My name is Liya Liang, and I am interviewing Nina Kleinberg on April 6, and I am in Amherst maths.

00:11 My name is Nina Kleinberg, and I'm in Florence, Massachusetts. Hi. My name is Nina Kleinberg, and I'm interviewing. Actually, let's stop. How do you. Hi. My name is Nina Kleinberg, and I am interviewing Liya Liang on April 6, 2022, and I'm in Florence, Massachusetts.

00:37 Hi, I'm Liya Liang, and I am currently in Amherst, Massachusetts.

00:44 So, Liya let's start by asking the first question, which was, if you had asked. Been asked to define yourself at the. Before you went to high school, right before you went to high school, how would you have described yourself?

01:02 I think I would have described myself as, I think, a big fish in a small pond. I, like, never stepped out of my comfort zone. I never really pushed boundaries. I was just a kid who did well in school, came back, like, came back from school, went home, and then hung up my grandparents after. And I maybe went to kalcondo or violin. But besides that, I really never tried anything new. I was always scared of, like, stepping out of my comfort zone. I was always, I would say another word, secure as well. My family was pretty good. I got good grades, had, like, a little sister who, like, looked up to me. I was, like, very happy, very secure. Also, like, not, not. I wasn't a person to take risks.

01:58 Did you, as part of your self identity, did you think about your family's background or how you fit into the larger culture?

02:10 Yeah, that played into a big part of my identity. I'm from low mass, and that's, like, the second most populated cambodian refugee community, second to, like, long beach. So being cambodian was always, like, an important part of my identity. But since I was immersed in a lot of, like, cambodian culture, I sort of, like, didn't see why it was, like, special or why it was different. My parents, until I was, like, in middle school, never really talked about, like, what they went through, what they've gone through. Same thing for my grandmother until I asked. And the only reason I knew was because it was worked into our curriculum in middle school, and we read, like, a memoir about, like, the Khmer Rouge and what happened and, like, that. I think that started the dialogue between us, and that's why I, like, grew interest in it, and that's why that kick started, like, me looking into my identity more. But besides that pivotal moment back then, I didn't really think about my cambodian identity. That much I knew was a strong part of me because I was living in it. But I didn't really get to deconstruct that and think about my place and the greatest scheme of the world because I was really, like, in like the middle of, like, the ethnic, like, community of it.

03:35 Before I ask you the next question, talk about a little bit about how you ended up even applying to your school.

03:47 So basically what happened was I was going downstairs, so to do like, the morning announcements, and these kids were all, and after the morning announcements, my principal misses o. She grabbed me and she was like, Liya why aren't you in this group? And I was so confused what this group was. She was like, oh, like, these kids are applying to, like, this really, like, great school and they're looking for, like, a cambodian kid. And I was like, okay. But also, like, helped my ego a little bit because I was like, oh, how could they forget me? Like, I'm like the number one kid in school. And so, yeah, so we met for a couple of weeks before just talking about the school and, like, why you would want to go and the benefits of it. And one day, like, after Pe, I was grabbed into the office and I wasn't told about the interview prior. And I was interviewed by the, one of the admissions officers. His name is Mister Downs. And he just asked me about just like, random things like, oh, like what sports would I play if I were there? Basically just asking questions that aren't typical interview questions that I think about it, but, like, questions that would determine whether I can acclimate there now that I think about it. And I remember I was nervous because I wasn't used to speaking to adults like that. And I was, like, shaking. I remember, like, grabbing my water bottle and I was, like, shaking because I was so nervous because I've never done anything like that. And I think I didn't have enough confidence for that. And then, so basically it was only me and my best friend left to apply to school. And then we went to go tour the school and official interview with another admissions officer. And she basically did the same thing. And I got a letter saying that I got accepted and. But during our interviews, we both told each other, we both told the admission officer that we would want the other one to get in. And that was a really weird concept for them. And I thought that that's like something that you would always do for a friend, especially in the situation that we were in. Like, we both, from the goal, obviously, we want each other to get out and have the best opportunities that we would. And, yeah, so I got in and I remember I didn't want to get in? It was more that I was just applying to see if I could get in, but my parents really pushed me to do it.

06:24 Why do you think your parents pushed you?

06:29 Good question. I think they pushed me because I think they wanted me to grow, like, a little more. They knew it was best for me and that I wouldn't have this opportunity any time or any other time. I think that my own mother, she moved from her little village to St. Rio, which is a little more urban, to study school. So she was like, oh, I did it. So I think my daughter should do it. Not necessarily in the whole, like, prep school scheme, but, like, she still did move. And my dad was always, like, for education, he got a master's degree in, like, public administration. So education was, like, super important. And I think they knew, like, it was, like, the best move for me that also, like, I was gonna. I had, like, a straight path for me in the sense that I was gonna go to possibly, like, low high, like, do well and low high and then just, like, go to college. But I think they wanted me to, like, also grow other skills. They didn't know what those skills were, but they knew that I would, like, learn from being there. So I think that's why they pushed me, because I think they also knew that I was very comfortable in my lifestyle. And I do agree I was. And so I think that's why they gave me the little shove to do it.

07:55 So what was their reaction when you got in?

08:00 I remember I came back from Taekwondo, and it was like, 08:00, 09:00 at night, and normally I'm there from four to nine, and I remember seeing my dad have a letter on the table, and he's like, you got in? And then I was just like, he was really happy for me, but also there was this weird sadness in his voice, I think, because obviously, you don't want your daughter to leave you, you know? Um, and so I was like, I think I, like, pretended to be happy, um, because, like, it's, like, a weird feeling because I didn't know if I wanted to pursue this or not. And it was more like I pursued it for, like, an ego boost. And so I was like, oh, aren't we just gonna say no now, you know? And he was like, no, I think you should go. And then so I, like, really, really, really thought about it, and my parents, like, were really, really happy and, like, kept talking about it, but I could see that they were also, like, really sad to, like, let me go, and so. But I was like, always, like, always on the fence, and I was always, like, like, sort of, like, 50 50 until, like, maybe my, like, middle end of freshman year, beginning of sophomore year.

09:13 So even when you were first there, you weren't sure you wanted to be there.

09:17 Yeah.

09:20 So when. What were your impressions when you first arrived, your impressions of the school, your impressions of your classes and teachers and your impressions of the other kids?

09:36 I knew it was different. It was an environment that I've never been in before, 100%. I've never been around that many, like, rich people. Whether or not that they admitted that they were rich, they were much richer than just, like, middle class. And I've never experienced, like, that before. But also just being in the middle and the, like, in the Hudson Valley and just being, like, not being able to see the city, like, not a lot of cars. Just being, like, literally in the middle of nowhere is, like, what I would describe it. And, like, it was just also, like, a culture shock in the sense that a lot of kids, like, they grew up, like, in Connecticut. They grew up in, like, New York City. And, like, despite, like, New York City being in, like, an urban environment, I didn't really meet anyone, like, who I really, like, shared, like, a, like, same experience with in terms of just, I'm, like, from Lowell. Lowell's pretty, like, urban city. And it was more like I felt like I didn't connect with people that much. And since I felt like we were, like, so different, but I ended up making friends. But initially, I was like, oh, these people are so different. They dress different, they look different, they talk different. I just remember me listening to one of my friends talking english class and was like, wow, he uses really big words. I didn't even know what they were. And so that was a really big thing for me, I think because of that, because the way they looked, because the way they talked was very different, and I was in a different, completely different environment where it's, like, I couldn't escape in the sense of, like, I couldn't leave school, couldn't, like, walk and things like that. I felt, like, really insecure and, like, I didn't have, like I said, like, that much confidence in myself. So in the beginning, that resulted in me not doing while in school, which was very strange for me.

11:43 So it sounds like you were used to being the smartest kid in your school, and suddenly there you are with a lot of other smart kids. How did that go?

11:55 I think I really. It was really the first time that I pushed myself that I talked to teachers and asked for help, that I did my homework during the day, that I actually made friends through my schoolwork. And so basically in class, obviously during group work, it's something to talk about. And I would ask my friend, like, oh, like, do you want to do homework with me after in the barn? And the barn is like the, like, student center. And so we became friends like that. But I also was. I also, it was mainly that I, like, talked to my professors and my teachers and asked them for help. And I, like, grew, like, a lot of, like, strong relationships with my teachers, but also, like, they were very aware of who I was because obviously with a small campus, and then the admissions officer told them who I was, that type of thing. And so I always ask for help. I was, like, very diligent in that. And through that, like, the professors and teachers, like, got to know me, and I also just got it within the weeks. I just got more comfortable talking, whether that was because I didn't know or because I had something to say. I think that I'm a very, like, I have to interact in the classroom. Like, that's how. That's, like, why I love learning is because I got. I have, like, that verbal battle or, like, I have, like, but whenever I have a question, like, I jump in or, like, say a thought. I'm not really the type to be quiet in the classroom. And I think that really affected my learning now that I look back at it, because the first couple weeks, I just sat back because I didn't want to say anything stupid or anything dumb. And I was just, I grew confident in, like, how I spoke, whether it was different and whether it was an eloquent. I think that really helped a lot. But also, like, I really, I learned how to, like, engage with material in terms of before. Like, I never really. I just, I never really studied outside of, like, school. So I, like, just was really good at following directions and knew what to pick up. I never really, besides, like, independent reading, I never really read outside of school, never really studied. I was just good at school. And then I think being there really taught me how to study.

14:18 So clearly, you are of asian descent. When you think about how you thought of your racial is the wrong word, but we're going to have to use it for lack of something better. When you thought about your racial identity, how did that affect your time at school? Did you think of yourself as an american, as an asian American, a cambodian American, and how did that affect your interactions with the other students?

14:53 I think my identity of asian American, like, really became aware. I actually was always aware of it because I knew I was in school just because I was, like, cambodian, and I was also good at school, and I was the Cambodian they were looking for. But I just thought that there would be there. The student body would be more diverse. There were asian people, but they didn't really deem me asian because I was asian American. And, like, that was, like, really hard for me. I think that I was like, oh. Like, I wasn't really friends with them. They weren't friends. But the fact that, like, I heard that they didn't think I was asian, like, really hurt me because I was like, okay, I'm not a white person. I'm not black person. I'm not hispanic. I'm asian, but I'm asian american. And I often found myself, like, counting the amount of, like, people of color in the room. I think just to, like, make myself, like, feel a little more comfortable. I also think that I also was really, like, hyper aware that I was, like, sometimes, like, the only, like, person of color in the room. And also, like, my roommate my freshman year, she was also. She was a black woman. And I was wondering, like, we were paired together because we didn't have, like, a lot of interests, but we were paired together because I think we were the only ones were, quote unquote, like, ethically diverse. And they thought that it would be, like, a great combo, but it didn't really work out that way. But I was always really hyper aware of the spaces I was in, and that was the first time that I experienced that, and it really made me insecure, I think, the first couple of years. But then I realized that not that it was all in my head, but that I just needed to grow comfortable in my place and that my place in the grand scope of things wouldn't change because I was going to be here for four years and the school was going to be the same for that duration. And that if I just couldn't figure out a way to navigate these spaces, which I did, I ended up being a student leader, an athlete, and a tutor, that I would struggle, and if I really, really struggled, that would be at the expense of why I was here, my academics, and just to do well, ultimately well, whether that be good in school, good in leadership, or just good in space, I just knew I had to do great because of. I know it sounds bad, but because of my identity and because I was purely there, I guess, in the sense, because of my identity.

17:34 So you must have felt some pressure then to uphold the image of who you were.

17:43 Yeah, the pressure was really, really bad. I think now that I look back on it, I was really. My voice is cracked. While I was really, really stressed, I hit it well. I hit it well through doing everything. I still think I do that whether that was just being a student leader, hanging out with my friends all the time, doing sports, doing things on the side, like diversity, I was really, really stressed. I wanted to be perfect, and I still want to be perfect, but, like, in a way that's not, as I would say, toxic. Obviously, I was there because I was chosen and I was on a full ride, and I was different because I had a donor that was paying for my tuition, but he never wanted to meet me. He never wanted to make me feel in doubt to him, and. But somehow I. That feeling manifested in himself, and I think it would have been worse if I knew who he was. I met him my senior year after graduation, but that was already when everything was done. But I remember feeling that I always had to do well. I remember appear, like, a single moment where I was. I didn't do well enough, like, a poetry exam. I still hate poetry to this day, and I didn't understand why they were so. So complex, but so basically, I remember, like, crying and, like, looking out the window and being, like, I, like, have to do well. Like, I feel like I'm disappointing everyone. I feel like I'm disappointing my parents, disappointing, like, everyone. And, like, that, like, I'm not doing. I remember saying that I'm not, like, fulfilling my purpose. Like, I had, like, a purpose to be there. And I just remember, like, always, like, thinking about the fact that I'm privileged, like, I'm privileged to be here. Like, these, like, these other kids, like, their parents are paying for, like, their education, and I'm, like, lucky because someone's paying for me, and that's privilege within itself. And so everything I did, like, but, like, woke up, like, doing things. Like, I always thought about it, whether it was, like, subconscious or, like, actually doing it. And, like, my junior year and my senior year, I was really focused on, I have to do well because I'm here because I need to excel. I need to, like, represent, like, my community at home, represent that, like, my. My own ethnic community, being cambodian and also, like, being asian american now because I'm not. I wasn't deemed asian. And, like, that bared law on me in a sense that I believed that I should have had gone to, like, a great college. And during the college process, like, that was really, really hard when I didn't get into, I didn't ed to brown and like I didn't get into like all these prestigious colleges and so I didn't get into like these great, quote unquote great colleges that it's over, you know, that like I said, I didn't fulfill what I did. And I remember one of my history teachers, Mister Clisby, he pulled me aside because I complained about getting a b as an assignment. And he was like, leo, what's up? And I was like, what do you mean? And he was, and he said, oh, I've just been noticing, I feel like you haven't been enjoying learning. And I was, and I was taken aback and I was like, what do you mean? Like I'm the, I've been doing what I've been doing like since like you had me in like history class before and like this was con law my senior year. And he was like, I don't think you're learning to learn. I don't think you're enjoying, like, it right now. And he's like, it seems like you're just more focused on the grade. Like in the grade will come in time, but you need to like, remember, like why, like you love learning and like why, like, you stand out in like the classroom. And I've never had like that much like attention like paid on me before. I just always thought that like I just did well and that I just like through crowd like that. But Mister Clispy, like he was, he basically helped me navigate like the college process and being like with Caliph, like not going to like a like quote unquote prestigious college in a sense that like I'm like going to like pursue my learning even like further and just be focused on like learning. And that's like, because I love school, you know, and that didn't matter. And that I'm going to look back and be happy that I'm not in debt. And now a senior in college, I'm happy I'm not in debt. I'm still in debt, but not as much debt as like paying like one hundred k a year.

22:17 So the other kind of difference between you and the other kids is, first of all, you came from Lowell. They came from big cities like New York and or fancy communities in Connecticut, and you came from a place that really had a much more working class or middle class identity. And I wondered how you felt. We've talked about race, but what about class in terms of your relationship and level of sophistication? How did you perceive the other students? How did they perceive you. And how did that change over time?

23:06 I think that class, like, didn't affect me much as race did. Obviously, I was there because of my ethnic identity, but also, I think I was also there because of my class. I think they just wanted to also take me out of a working class community and put me just to focus on school, that type of thing. But I guess it was just in the little nuances, in the sense that I remember the first day I went on campus that my advisor, she took me to H and M to buy, like, what was it, dress code attire in the sense of, like, khakis, like, the polo, like, maybe like, a dress that was, like, index card length away from the knee. I remember they used to mail out index cards every year to make sure that people could measure, like, the perfect length for their dresses. And I just remember, like, now looking back at that, like, it was nice to get that help. But also, like, it was, in a sense, in another grand scheme of things, it was just, like, more like, a pity in some sense. Like, I couldn't do it, that it was assumed that I didn't have, like, those clothes. It wasn't that, like, I talked about it or, like, reached out about it, because I feel like that would have been different, but it was more like me in India. We. We went to the mall, and we had a shopping spree, and it was nice, don't get me wrong, but, like, looking back at it, like, that moment, I feel, like, was sort of on, like, not degrading, but, like, also, like, one of, like, the biggest forms of, like, pity I've ever experienced, like, in my life. Like, now, I know she had good intentions, but that's definitely how it felt. But I think class in itself, like, I didn't really, like, worry about it, but it manifested in ways that, oh, like, the girls, like, wore, like, really expensive jackets or really expensive dresses or shoes, and obviously that was trendy, and, like, I wanted those, but, like, besides that, it didn't really affect me that much. I wasn't constantly thinking about it, but it did affect my peers. Like, the peers that were on scholarship. They would always, like, talk about it and. But also, I think class manifested in the way that sort of. I addressed this, like, earlier in the way that, like, people talked. I think the environments and the people that you're with really have effects on, like, your mannerisms, like, how you carry out things. And I felt that I wasn't as eloquent as, like, they were. So I guess, like, that also, like, played into a role. And because of that, I grew very insecure in how I spoke. And I guess to some degree, I, like, adapted that today. And I think that's. I think I talk very different than how I did in the past, but obviously that was bound to happen. But I don't think that I would be, quote unquote, as, like, well spoken as I am now if I didn't attend that school because I was so thrown into that environment and had to, like, sort of code switch into that way of life or, like, that way of talking. So I can be validated in my grades or, like, validated in the classroom by my peers to, like, make them think I was smart, but, like, I was smart. You know.

26:07 One other thing. In terms of identity, you're a female or you identify as female. That's correct.

26:16 Yes.

26:17 And do you think that played any role in terms of wanting to be smart, wanting to act smart, wanting to get good grades? Was there any. Do you think that was a dynamic that was important at that point?

26:37 I think subtly. I think that I learned in the classroom it was much harder to, like, not, like, advocate for myself. But there were times that I felt that sometimes my ideas or my thoughts would be reworded and that, like, the guys in my classroom be, like, validated by my own, like, what I said. I think, like, sometimes I'm a little scattered, scatterbrained, and I talk a lot, but I also feel like maybe that's, like, me, like, gaslighting myself on some degree. And I just remember that, like, they would often, like, my biggest pet peeve is, like, being talked over. I think that, like, you can wait for your turn to talk. And, like, one of my key moments, I think, was in a photography class, and my sky was, like, talking over my best friend and me when she was, like, talking about, like, her piece of work while we were analyzing some, like, photography piece or something. And he, like, kept talking over us, and I grabbed, like, this random stick and was like, this is the talking stick. And when I hand it to you, you can start talking because it made me really mad. And, like, that was the first time, like, I grew aware of it, and I was like, why are you so ignorant to, like, arrogant arrogant to, like, feel that you can, like, talk over me or, like, feel like what you're saying is more, like, valid than mine? And I realized, like, people actually, like, have that mentality. And I was, like, really taken aback by it. But, like, it was. It is reality, and I still experience it to some degree. Not as much as, like, the business people, but on the sense that, like, I feel like people reword my words and then get validated by that as well. But that was the only thing, I think, in high school that I have encountered that. That sometimes during, like, verbal debates that I feel, like, lesser than. But also I feel like girls, like, in general, I don't want to generalize everyone. I think they. I think there's, like, there is some, like, I think when you go through puberty, you, like, you realize that, like, your. Your confidence sort of, like, diminishes to, like, some degree. I think, like, you grow, like, a little more, like, insecure about, like, yourself and, like, who you are. I think that I definitely got that to some degree, but, like, not so much in, like, the education realm. I, like, really, I'm, like, down to fight anyone in some academic battle. And I realized that my space as a woman, I didn't think about that, but I did. The little things that annoy me, I realized were a common pattern between the guys in the classroom.

29:10 Interesting. So all this time, what kind of feedback were you getting from your parents?

29:19 They didn't really, during my time there. I know it sounds bad. They didn't talk to me much. I would just tell my parents, like, a good morning text. They didn't really pressure me. It was more like, oh. Like, they were happy that I was happy there and I was doing well there. I think that a lot of it was, like, just. They just wanted me to talk to them more. And, like, obviously I was busy. So, like, I wake up at like, 745. We have chapel, we have school till like, 03:00, and then we have, like, sports at like 330 and ends at five. And then we have, like, free time from like five to seven and then we have study hours from like seven to eleven. Right? So, like, the day was really jam packed and, like, I would just text my dad, good morning, I love you. I still do that and totally just text me back. And, like, that would be, like, the main interaction we have between each other. But I can see that my parents really saw a big change in me, whether it was really confidence or just my thoughts in general, and not my thoughts in terms of my own moral beliefs, but my thoughts in terms of really analyzing things in history. Because my biggest thing was talking about calm out to my dad, even though he didn't understand anything. I think he just liked hearing me go off, how passionate I was about learning at the time. But my dad says, like, the pivotal moment for him that I, like, learned from being in that school was, like, I think before, I've never really asked for help. I would, like, in terms of not in the school scope, but in terms of at the store or, like, I was, like, really nervous about ordering for myself. Like, that gives me a lot of anxiety, like, now a little bit. But during, like, this, like, they visited me for my birthday and they. I want these pair of shoes. And my dad was like, oh, go ask, like, for this type of shoes. I think, like, before he even asked me, I, like, went off and was like, oh, do you have, like, a size, like, six moments for these shoes? And, like, it was such a small moment. And, like, he's like, oh, like, I always, like, remember that as, like, the moment that I felt like it grew because, like, before, like, I wouldn't, like, do that. I would ask him to do that. In terms of, like, my confidence, I was, like, shy, but not shy at the same time. And then. So I think definitely they. They told me, like, I grew in confidence and, like, I'm more comfortable, more outspoken, and I think they definitely, like, told me that, like, I grew stronger because of it. I was, like, very. I'm not very sensitive. There's something wrong. Sensitive. But I think I was very sheltered. Being home and that, like, throwing me in the midst of, like, the middle of nowhere really helped me, rather with me, like, gathering my thoughts and, like, reflecting on myself and who I was or just like. Or just, like, doing, like, the little nuances, like, talking to adults or just, like, learning how to navigate the world by myself.

32:17 Do you? So if you had to summarize how your sense of yourself changed from going to that school or going to school in general, you've talked a lot about becoming more self assured and being able to do things that normally you would have punted over to your dad. Anything else that you think changed in that time?

32:50 I think just my purpose. I know it sounds like fun in that scheme, but I think that my college experience differs from my high school experience in the sense that I'm learning to learn and learning for myself. And it's more about my self discovery than it is. I think if I could. My high school self, looking back at it, I think she was filled with a lot of debt, whether it was dead from just being, like, having to be great or, like, the family stuff that, like, I talked about and just, like, the administration itself, I think my high school experience was more about pleasing people, improving people, and proving to myself that I can do it. And I think it was just, like, as much as it was, like, a journey of, like, self growth. And, like, I also think it was, like, also, like, a journey of, like, self harm, you know, in the sense that it was, like, as much as, like, I want to say that, like, I was happy and I was. And, like, those memories are, like, like, memories that I think back on. And, like, I do mention a lot because it's a unique experience. I think that, like, I was. I did excel and I did do well in all aspects of, like, that academic in any way that you could at that school. But I do think, like, I was hurt in the sense of, like, I, like, always had that burden. And I think, like, and, like, there was no way to, like, necessarily take away from me. I think, like, I could be reaffirmed that, oh, like, that I didn't have them, but I still did. I, like, even leading up to my senior year, I was, like, crying whether it be about my grades, whether it be about being, like Wade, whether. Whether it be about, like, other things. And I think, like, despite me growing in confidence in terms of getting friends, in terms of my, like, academics, in terms of my school, the feeling of burden was still there. Whether it was, like, small or, like, minimal or, like, it was still there, and it never really gone away. And I think that, like, coming to college now and, like, being. Even being able to pay for myself, I think, is even, like, a different degree as well because there's some, like, power in that. I know it was great. It was a great experience, and that was privileged experience. But I feel like there is, like, power in, like, the choice I have to, like, study what I want to pursue and, like, what I want to, like, learn and also, like, where the money is coming from and, like, because I. There's no, like, in debt because I'm in control of my life. And, like, it was great. And, like, I am thankful for the experiences I had, but I don't think that it was worth the emotional and, like, mental strain it had on me. Definitely made me grow as a person. But, like, I look back at the videos and I see, like, a little girl who was, like, going through it, like, rather like, someone. Like, I don't think any. Anybody or anything would have changed, like, that mental state for me. I think that, like, it would have still exist. But I think that to summarize it, like, as, like, pessimistic or as, like, dark it might seem, I think that, like, I just felt that my whole experience was, like, I think burden, like, played a whole big role in it. And, like, I did well because I pushed against it, but, like, it could have gone a different way 100%. But, like, even, like, in high school, I, like, knew, like, I couldn't figure out what I wanted, what I wanted my major to be. Um, and that was weird for me because I felt like everyone knew what they wanted to do. I just did well in everything, so I didn't know my, like, quiche or whatever. Um, so, like, yeah, I guess to summarize it, I think my whole high school experience was, like, burdensome. Whether that burden came from me, whether that burden came from academics, like, you know, all those things, and, like, I don't regret it at all. I think it definitely made me the person I am today and, like, why I'm in a good mental space. But it was definitely an experience where I felt that it sucks to feel like you always have to prove yourself, even though people aren't pushing me to feel that way. I always felt that I needed to. I think that at some points, it became too much, and jumping into an environment where it didn't matter so much. And I think that not going to a prestigious college, not going to an Ivy League made me feel. Yeah, liberated me, and I think, made me, like, the person I am today. I obviously still have flaws, obviously still, like, have those problems, but not to, like, the same degree as I did in the past.

37:32 Beautiful. The last question was really just in case there were things that fell through the cracks, but the last question was, any particular events you can recall that made you think about your identity?

37:51 I'm trying to think. Okay, so, my final senior project, we always had one. So it's like your senior thesis, but it's called, like, the CES, which is accommodating experience for seniors. And so I did mine on, like, diversity at independent schools. And so I focused a lot of my work on talking to the different diversity coordinators at the different schools. So, like, schools like Berkshire school, Hodgka school, those type of schools with them, I think Nescap. Yeah. Schools in the region. And so I did my analysis on that and, like, the purpose of, like, and the benefits that these schools can have from having more diversity and just highlighting what's these schools did well, what these schools, like, needed to do more of, and, like, the benefit. Their benefits, and, like, also what they're lacking. And so I did that, and I also did it even on to my, like, diversity coordinator, like, Miss Carlson. She was, like, one of, like, the closest people to me at the school because she. I babysat her kids. I, like, both with her. We baked muffins, and then we used to, like, take her kids out to, like, her and her family, take me out to get my nails done and, like, baseball games with, like, my friend Carrie. And so I was very close to her. And so I remember I did that project. And so, basically, you know that these schools obviously lack diversity, right? Because these schools are predominantly white, but they have a lot of money. And I just couldn't understand why you couldn't pay for more people to, like, because the experience doesn't really benefit. It obviously benefits, like, the students of color, but also benefits the white students as well in terms of just having exposure to other people, not like they are entitled to that. But it's also, like, that's the real world. That also creates and creates empathy, I think, or whether they have preconceived notions, I feel like it can help undo those things. When you have interactions with those people, I think an idea, a concept, and, like, having, like, that embedded in your head is, like, an experience is stronger than that. An interaction is stronger than that. And so I did that presentation on the chapel. And so the, basically, what happened was after that, all the administration basically went to my project because I was the. Because I basically was analyzing the school. So I think y'all wanted to be there. So I did. So afterwards, the headmaster, he was like, Liya can we grab breakfast? After? The next morning, I was like, okay, me and the headmaster are fairly close. We, like, did CrossFit together. He was basically coach met lacrosse games. And I asked my friend Carrie to come with me because I was a little worried. It was, obviously, it wasn't one on one. We were in the dining hall, but he was basically like, Liya the reason why we don't have, like, a lot of people of color is because we don't have enough money. And I was like, uh, what about me? You know what I mean? But he was like, oh, when you're rich, like, make sure that you send money to the school. I, like, so, like, make sure that you could fund someone like you at the school. And I was just like, obviously, like, to some degree, I will donate money to the school, because I think it's, like, done a lot to my. To who I am today, whether good or bad. Right. But. And he, I remember one of the times was like, oh, we don't have any, like, that many, like, like, for black people. We need. We need to try to find, like, the rich black people. I was like, what? And so, like, it was just interesting that, like, his take was like, oh, we didn't have enough money for these kids. Like, we, like, we have to look for, like, the rich people of color. And, like, that's, like, where our main base was. And that, like, when you're rich or, like, when you're, like, an established alumni that you should donate to, it was, like, it felt that, like, he was basically saying that, like, people of color weren't the investment that he wanted to make. Like, there were new buildings being made on campus. There were new dining halls being made on campus. And I'm like, that's basically, like, maybe, like, 1020 kids for four years. And I felt that, like, it was, like, basically a slap in the face, and it was basically, like, undermining, like, all the work I did in the sense of, like, oh, like, you got it wrong. Like, we don't need us. We don't need. We don't need to fix ourselves, like, that type of thing. We just need more money or, like, we just need more people with money to come to the school rather than, like, helping people who might need the experience might need the money, you know, who want to pursue this but don't have the financial stability to do so. And so, like, that was one of the memories that, like, stuck in my head, and that was one of, like, the days coming to senior year. Like, as senior year came to the end. Like, that, like, happened to me. And, like, so, like, it made my, like, experience, like, be like, oh, my God, like, like, I'm probably just, like, a number to them or just, like, a. Like, I'm just probably only known for, like, my ethnicity or something like that. Like, it made me really, like, try to think about, like, my place in that scheme, but also, like, it also made Carrie upset, too. But Carrie's white. Carrie was a student athlete, but Carrie also was on scholarship. And she was just like, they have all this stuff, and, like, why don't they just, like, donate the money? And I was like, great. I don't know. And that was, like, definitely one of the key moments, I think, in where I realized, like, how corrupt, like, this system was not. I think corrupt is not, like, a good word, but I think just, like, how. I don't know where, like, I feel like people of color were just an afterthought. I think that they're just, like, operating in the sense of just, like, trying to make profit, trying to. Trying to, like, obtain, like, their, like, status in terms of being the best school in terms of academics, sports, and, like, their prestige. But, like, now, like, they have, like, diversity coordinators, and I guess that helps. But I think it may be in a response to, like, BLM and, like, students, like, black students at that school talking about their experience as well, but also, like, not, like they needed to, like, talk to me or anything. But, like, I was, like, sort of head of diversity of everything there. And I was the one who, like, advocated for a lot, ran, like, a lot of the program. And, like, ultimately, my senior thesis was, like, basically about it, but, like, I was never reached out about how the school can help. So also, like, that was a slap in the face as well.

44:34 Excellent. Excellent. You know, I have some thoughts about what you said. Unless there's more that you want to record.

44:44 No, that's all.