Christina Laufer and Ryan Nebeker
DescriptionChristina Laufer (27) talks with her brother Ryan Nebeker (30) about their grandparents.
Subject Log / Time Code
- Christina Laufer
- Ryan Nebeker
Recording LocationMobileBooth West
Venue / Recording Kit
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00:02 Christina nebeker laufer
00:05 I am 27 years old January 28th, 2011 Phoenix, Arizona and I am my brother's sister Burger. I'm 30 years old. Today is January 28th, 2011. I'm in Phoenix, Arizona and Christina's my sister.
00:34 How do you think we should I think we can keep Nana. The memory alive for our children cuz I know we talked about it before.
00:45 Be thankful that we have them in our lives.
00:49 For so long and being afraid that
00:52 Well, they're going to die before we have kids before I could only remember them I think.
00:56 And how do we how do we capture that or not? Accept that I want to know that.
01:02 We're going to capture that is there for some reason we won't do enough or we can't do enough. I don't feel capable I do but then I don't cuz I have to see them and smell them. So what are we remember? How do we tell them how to do it?
01:17 I guess just tell him I'm thinking just tell him stories of of what we remember and
01:23 Try to replicate everything that that they've done for us, you know, give give give our kid high hose when they go off somewhere Ritz crackers are nuts a new back door because it was going on with the two tonight or something. You have a pocket with blind or something on it was never like a brand new box like fresh.
01:47 I think it was food the way we were talking about before with food by the food in glass containers around the house so I can jars and things so it tell the kids to go to that jar and open and see what's inside. Have you surprised I thought they would do anything for him doing that with me baby like a Mist mystery food something fresh and new, isn't it going to be like tomorrow in it?
02:15 But I mean, I feel bad cuz he wanted me to so I would eat some of that wouldn't want to cuz it made him happy make him laugh like hard gum.
02:24 Are those weird candies used to get free from the when Santa will come to school here in elementary school on the train with that big chain that chain of come by and wheels and then don't be there to give us a little star from cups with the candies with all the stripes on them.
02:41 Emily Roosevelt
02:50 Everything about keeping our family alive or keeping the memory of our grandparents live. I think from you. My favorite grandparents would have ice. Have you gotten from you than one of them you want your child to know our our our our family to know where my nephews and nieces to know. Where would you want your nephews and nieces to know about her than I thought. I don't I was thinking that I might not actually say it to my kids are to my nieces and nephews but I might actually because I find myself doing it at work talking to the kids. Don't do that or you're going to cut your head open and die you want to die. I don't say that but
03:28 I guess one thing. I remember that Nana said that I remember talking to you about was don't go into the fat the bathroom in the park by yourself because a little boy went into the bathroom by himself and he lost his
03:47 We were in the 83 Camry going down Avenue be about to make a left on 220th Street by the Dairy Queen. We're either going to Daniel Santos or Glenn Miller.
04:01 I think I wasn't about you in about 2,000. I've been driving. I was driving and she said we're going to go camping Carpinteria that can go every year. I must have been eight. Maybe you're like five six. Maybe you were eight and I was ten I don't know what it was.
04:27 Mills Brothers a kind of cold in Sandy anyway, so we didn't really like them and the water was always cold to it when I go in there, but then she told us she was a little boy who went to the bathroom and a man cut off his penis.
04:44 And that's treat yourself. I mean I did not go to the bathroom. But if you eat me out that she said that so before you said that maybe you wouldn't tell your kids this but then maybe you would because you say these things. Anyway, why would you not want to or why would you want to I don't know sometimes I feel like she told us that too.
05:06 To scare us to protect us. I don't know what to scare us. But to start a list to protect us, but sometimes I feel like she did it for shock Factor because she likes drama and gossip and things like that anyway.
05:19 Because she likes to watch things that happen on TV two other people would you care about someone so they got shot and that it up or someone so Dieter this is that happen.
05:31 So I feel like she's attractive that kind of thing and she likes telling people about girl stuff like that and she told me that her intestines.
05:50 But coming from Donna it wasn't scary. I guess it was kind of silly scary. But she's also one that would tell us if you push them all on the on her back. Should I throw up she would throw up or burp or fart or rub my back or we put her to sleep by rubbing her back and my armor get tired. I'll be there holding up and rubbing her still and I look to see if I could she was awake. But since she's Mexican and Chinese it was hard to tell ya I get close to it and you can put them in a way cuz whenever I get close to it, she like jerk forward a little bit. So I knew that go like that. She was awake and it's kind of it was funny to me I guess.
06:39 That kind of gross way of doing it I guess or and it's funny because our way. Does the exact opposite he doesn't like
06:47 Scary stories about kids he doesn't like things like that drama. He likes puppies babies laughing simple things. One thing that all go back to that first question. They remember that he wanting always remember that he taught me. I don't know if you necessarily
07:09 Said it in so many words but
07:12 I always remember him saying don't force it and that goes for anything like that. You know when you get frustrated you trying to do something you get angry and you start getting frustrated start trying to force to do what you want to do.
07:25 Don't Force It be gentle
07:29 Take it easy.
07:31 Who was it that he tell you the saying he tell you about going to the bathroom, so when you said don't first I thought
07:42 Not even I'm surprised and it makes me feel good every single time. I see him cuz now that he obviously he's as Alzheimer's.
07:49 And he's in the
07:52 In the nursing home.
07:54 He doesn't always know who I am.
07:57 And it said but I can always rely on him knowing how to answer when I say.
08:05 Fart snort Jose cut it short
08:14 Oh that gross stuff.
08:18 That it's refreshing and it makes me feel good that those simple things he can remember.
08:27 What are you thinking?
08:40 And he'll do it.
08:50 She want to have kids soon so that they could grow up with enough.
08:55 I don't know what she feels like cuz I wish I had kids could go meet up.
09:02 But I don't want a ride or when I blog about them when I put things on Facebook about what Nana says that.
09:08 I'm capturing it, but
09:11 To see her or surprise smell her breath.
09:16 See the little blackheads on your nose.
09:20 The food in your booty, booty eyebrows are watching the table and choking because she's laughing and what she still trying to reach her that drink or temperature that food or trying to put the fork back in her mouth. She wants to eat. She wants to talk laugh do everything at the same time. She's just this is the way she is and
09:42 I tried to capture that stuff.
09:46 My writing and on Facebook. I could I was at before that.
09:52 The rest, got bad
09:55 How he was in a wheelchair a lot.
10:03 He was there by the Christmas tree and she was doing something.
10:07 But given Garland off where she was putting something everything it down and Heat.
10:13 I can't remember.
10:15 What he did he was smiling at her something. I can really suck at the story but
10:22 Easter something I guess he got fresh or you told her she look good. You look cute or whatever and mom was here from Florida.
10:32 And she asked us if we'd excuse her because she wanted to Afternoon Delight.
10:40 That was so sweet because
10:44 Appearance of an always be happy married, and I know not to have any that could be for some stories about that passed it.
10:51 Have been ugly and graduation ever hear those kind of stories of those conversations are those fights whatever that we heard not long ago.
11:01 But even after you know 60 plus years with both of them kind of with Alzheimer's thought those were stolen is pretty good. They still love each other in some way. Even if they forgot all that crap that if each other through or whatever it's important.
11:18 It's either that gives me hope that
11:22 I can have that too or I want that I can search that I can if my goal to have that. I think the thing that that I'm just kind of realizing that too is that
11:34 How important it is to to show.
11:38 Show love
11:41 Not just not just to show love for that other for that said a person can see they love me and they're showing me they love me but so our children or grandchildren and people like that can see that they're still love their cuz I think that's that's the thing that brings a tear to my eye and that's the thing that makes me feel good. It's when I when Nana makes comments like that afternoon delight or something like that or when she when we go see him at the rest home.
12:16 And he's rolling there next to her and she's walking with her walker next to him and
12:21 He puts his hand on her back or she bends down to kiss him on the cheek. And he's got a big old lipstick splotch on his cheek. Cuz I don't I don't I don't know if you remember.
12:32 Very little when we were younger when they would show love towards each other and it didn't make us think less of them or think that they didn't love each other, but it was just very rare and I think I think that's something of the time.
12:45 You don't you don't really do that. That's something that you that you keep in a private place or whatever. I guess. I don't know what I look. Like I said just what I'm assuming but it doesn't seem to run in that side of the family as far as showing affection.
12:59 Unless it's through comments laughter joking around and things like that. I think love is shown more that way through humor, but I think the touching things like that are very important, but I was really touchy with us with us. Yeah, and it's funny cuz I was and he said that none and never really showed love. She never really hug them snuggle and cuddle with them and I'm thinking that's strange because she does it with us all the time will malls that we with those. So he said that. That would do that. He'd go out of his way to make sure that he
13:40 What you know sit with the kids but them on his lap or do you know what I know? He was on that brush Moms hair and detangled it and would braid it. Do things like that. And I was thought that was kind of strange.
13:51 I was with my own identity.
13:54 You know, I forgot what a man is. It would that not around really that much but knowing that. That would do a thing like that, but I was like
14:04 I can be that wanted because he's doing that.
14:08 Do you remember when we get out of the pool?
14:11 That's one of the things I remember I hated it, but I always took my towel to him to let him dry my hair.
14:17 My hair was so long down to my butt and he'd wrap up my hair in a towel and he twist it and twist it and twist it till I felt like my hair was going to come out.
14:28 But when you did it was dry almost and I'd still every time I take my child to him cuz that was what that's even if he if he still knows stuff, but he'll say something I won't understand or we'll talk tonight about it later and then I'll be like I tell us something what are you walking through with Nana in the restroom walking through the
14:57 The hallways looking for that though, cuz he could be in his wheelchair anywhere really in the bathroom in any room is anywhere. I roam around anywhere and they found her walking down the hallway.
15:11 Goodbye, people that have mental issues there with Alzheimer's and I think it's all as Alzheimer's but they would not on the on her shoulders or look at her say something in he gave them the dirtiest low-key like that's my wife. That's my wife. He like get grouchy and she's at Henry. It's okay. There's being nice. Just being nice and another time when I can work that Donna by myself with no.
15:36 And another one hurt. His other was in his bed. He didn't sleep very good. And so she went in there to see him and he want her.
15:52 Even when you're back, he looks attorneys like you gained and she started laughing and Gears of War that while she would have taken that she would have been so mad and she would have been that made him lunch at a go fund me. What if something would have happened that she would have been so mad about it, but you laughed so hard with it on her teeth are all showing and elephant big lips and all those teachers. Just laughing. So happy.
16:22 What time I think he had her sit on his lap while he wrote her back it while he was rubbing her back. Then he try to have her on his bed. Remember that will rubber back and making faces. So make an intimate moment with her was still like you. Couple with inner want to take food out. So it might make funny faces while driving her back like she's so heavy, but it's love me out of him kicking people out cuz he wanted some alone time.
17:02 Perfect. I'm sure she loved it. That's going to marry him.
17:06 Over and over
17:11 She's like she told him I'll maybe I'll think about it. I'll give you tell him maybe.
17:19 Are we at least eat that's in a different way and that's what I got to keep trying to remind myself and I had to keep I feel like I had to keep telling other people.
17:30 Their relationship is their relationship and
17:34 There's nothing that we can say. There's nothing you can do. There's nothing that we can convince Nana to make her act differently without the
17:46 That's the way she's been with him for years. And that's the way she's going to continue to be with him. That's the way it's something for him. That's the way he's been for years at the way. He's going to continue being
17:56 And in my mind, there's no use.
17:59 I think that's what I've learned. There's no use trying to change.
18:04 Their ways of thinking are there other ways of rationalizing with each other about the way the way they talk to each other the way they behaved. Yeah, and I could always be nicer.
18:17 Doctor could not care as much as he does to where it makes him feel bad, but
18:24 I think that's that's the one difficult thing about watching them grow old and having seen doctor get Alzheimer's and lose.
18:36 Lose his rationality with everything. I mean she's going to continue to tell him that he's flirting with the nurses or he's flirting with the big heat the down the room couple room down.
18:50 Who saved the receipt she knows he saved her seat next to him in the cafeteria there.
18:55 That we went on.
18:57 That entire day. So I mean there's nothing we can do we can see Nana. It's okay, you know that that's what they do and if she mentions it once and he's going to go on with it. You can't change his mind. So that's how he can but it's like I mean with grandfather on his addiction to alcohol mean it's
19:18 Rockaway from him he might die. If not about that was to become lovey dovey different. It could hurt them too. So kind of like they've been there also.
19:32 Adjusted give me not knowing that none has so much nicer now to him that she used to be but I like her sass I like her age. It's well, it's always been there a few strange for her not to do that anymore. She wouldn't be yourself.
19:55 North Hardesty her braids, should bestow
19:58 Courtesy her
20:01 Applesauce has a strong. Maybe that's that's just my perception down or I have to start paying.
20:12 Nike joggers for her
20:15 Confidant our friend Nora
20:26 We've always given a ride to always do things for them with them. But with mom in, Florida tonight.
20:34 We have to prove ourselves to a timely or we have to do more because she can't do more isn't doing more.
20:42 We have to do more so excite with grandparents in Yuma.
20:48 We have to be like their children away and do things that maybe
20:54 We weren't supposed to do as grandchildren we have to be.
20:58 Like adults
21:00 I don't control the week is be grandchildren. Do you feel that way too? I think we were forced. We are forced to be that when in the transition when Mom and Dad were moving to Florida.
21:15 Right, I guess I don't know if it would be in the beginning of stuff is deterioration, or if it was in the middle. I really don't know where it was because I think the started way before we had any idea what was going on.
21:27 He was a sick woman left though.
21:32 He was still at home. He had a little bit I didn't have the nurses but I think his because all the time where this was his already kicked in by that time.
21:40 Certain memory saying but we didn't know that I know.
21:53 As far as being adult grandchildren, I know you've been in the position.
21:59 And you know, I've been in the position of
22:03 Of being there and hearing things that we shouldn't be hearing his grandchildren or even his children. I don't think that's something
22:09 The things that they went through in that beginning stage those things weren't things that even
22:15 Angela or Phil or Mom should have even heard.
22:19 Timothy know what we know
22:24 I want to
22:27 Spread it. I don't want to invoice feel bad, but we heard.
22:32 Some of it like when did you know that you are adult crying child? Cuz you've always done things for them. But I think for me there's a shift for sure and I remember when the shift was to know. Is there any instance that you remember you're like, okay. My role is changing. Why was he probably when we went off to college and then we would come and visit me to go see Nana. Then we'd always do stuff around the house tonight, but it seemed as though I think we did more for them.
23:01 As far as cleaning the house.
23:03 Doing dishes or whatever trying to straighten up fixing the bed.
23:09 I mean
23:10 I don't know but mama do those things so we learn to do things because she wouldn't we expected them and wanted to spend time with them want to do good things to make them smile. So we do those things for you. He was not long ago. I was just recently broke down and she was crying and she was confused and she was
23:32 Unhappy and scared and I had to be the will Cain on her.
23:37 So I can forget her.
23:40 What I knew.
23:42 Will get worse how to make her feel better. So I'll just talk to her listen to her.
23:47 Another phone should complain about this or that and try to help her see from another point of view and I'm like a teacher like a mentor like a sibling in a way to her now sometimes cuz she asked questions or needs help Street cost me we talk but it's kind of scary when she like that and she gives you that look like
24:09 She's listening to what you're saying. Like she's getting like she's getting advice from you and it feels good, but it doesn't feel good at the same time because
24:19 It's supposed to be the other way around. I guess they look vulnerable and they look innocent and they look.
24:29 I don't know. I just feel bad.
24:32 But you seem is not you know, this image of and I thought that this you seem is a human beings.
24:40 With their store in their past that week at Chase, like you said it it's like we have to just make peace and make love.
24:47 We could we can have a good mom live to.
24:51 Responsible like we had to fill a gap that she left and I feel guilty because I don't know how well I feel like I know not I loves me. That is too but
25:04 I don't know how much I should give but I want to get for me. I want to do my how I'm living my life too, but I want to help them when I feel like tonight's enough, but I think other people remember seeing your light.
25:19 You got me doing all this you can be living in Yuma. You can teach you what you can work anymore.
25:24 So I guess I don't know that's
25:27 It's just part of that responsibility. And and honestly, I think that's
25:33 Can you nuts what?
25:36 The children do for the parents.
25:40 Because we're going to have our turn we can't spend our entire lives taking care of every single generation. I know that's understood in a lot of cultures. That's what you're supposed to do. But at the same time like
25:52 You got to build for your family. You got to build for your children. I mean, I want to start having kids soon.
25:59 How can you have kids and take care of grandparents?
26:03 When Mom and Dad are you know?
26:07 Bringing up the rear as far as needing kneading them to take care of them.
26:14 I don't want them to have to go into home if they don't have to like for all timers. That's obviously understandable because
26:20 That's another type of illness that needs a special kind of care.
26:27 But as far as old age goes, I'm going to send me no.
26:33 I have to figure out what to do.
26:35 Put them ever says I want my person quote they do they do how they never thought that would happen. I think if I feel like
26:49 This is codependent thing or how to fix everything. I responsible for everything. If I don't do what I want try to let them know that I want to or I would or I could or I think I should then.
27:02 I think I've said enough if I don't do all those things.
27:06 Are you going to work it out? I told I told Phil when I was talking to him. I said just like what you're saying. We can't we can't fill that Gap we can help out a little bit because mom's not there, but we can't fill that Gap. That's not a place. I told him I was like I said, you need to call Mom.
27:26 I don't know what's going on in you know with Mom how she's feeling about the whole situation, but we're not we're not the middleman for this whole thing.
27:36 I feel compared to her to a little bit.
27:40 So it should be confused about something or ask a question and I feel like I'm stepping out of being a child and I'm more like a contemporary or alongside her in a way even that to my grandfather because this is the first time that they're going through this to they have never had their parents get to this point. You know what I mean? Everybody goes through it once in one form or another mean if your
28:04 Do you have your unless you have your parents pass away before you get to the point where we have to deal with it?
28:10 I love it. I love it.
28:12 They trust us they trust me dumb questions are they they want my opinion or my device? I love that mean that's what that's what I live for us helping people in the way. So don't my parents are like the ultimate a my grandparents. I'll do I'll give it whatever I'll give it my words my time, whatever I'll give it. So I like I like doing it. It's just not the easiest thing to do to give
28:39 I want to
28:42 What about food now?
28:44 I don't like riding around in my boots.
28:50 What kind of food?
28:52 What I wanted recipes
28:55 I feel guilty that she told me I could have a cookbook. I was just going to say that she told me when I die. She doesn't get her dishes from China that her dad brought and I reminded her about that file of guilty about that, but I reminded her and it said it shouldn't remember.
29:13 Okay, Nana. Remember everybody can have those dishes I guess I but I really wanted a connection to my grandfather in China.
29:20 But the good book is babe.
29:28 Well, there's other people in the family that want it but in the end regardless of who she decides to give it to her who gets it gets it. I'm going to go over there and try to take it now. I mean whatever happens to it is Destiny.
29:52 I know I stood by her good with her. I know I've called her first Peter. She's giving it to me.
29:58 I make peins wish Bixby.
30:04 I'm in the cookbook would be like the ultimate what if I don't have that I guess I'm making peace with it cuz my kids will eat her food because I'll make it the way she did look up her eyes pick up some hot water with chicken bouillon for the sofa.
30:25 Could you give me a minute to figure out how much water but I want to do it in that one finger in it because not her size or the or now have a long nail that she does her and tell him only your tortillas down now. I don't have that. So I just Measure 3 cups if it looks like I need somewhere for a little bit more.
30:51 I don't know. I've always been stuck in the tortillas.
30:54 I don't know a lot of people that still make tortillas from scratch and I remember always making tortillas with her and making tortillas with Mom to we make them at home making with Nana.
31:04 And that's what I made sure I did this last time when I went over there. I told her to get out of the kitchen, but she wanted to put them on the burner. So she stood in there with your finger and turned it over to cute with a flat butt.
31:19 She needs a but who approved but not much there, but just think of the little cheeks when she has her pants pulled up so cute and they're crooked crack and wish you walk.
31:31 What should your house coat and you see that she's wearing purple underwear whatever. I'm like I had say anything but
31:42 What else would I cook I just be.
31:46 I never text him feel how to make that that's where they going to do with her. I think I need to get that yellow pot. She has class a secret.
31:55 Mom brought from New Mexico or Colorado?
32:00 And she makes people selling their we that's like The Magic Pot that one in the one that I have.
32:07 Her wherever I love that thing. She said a man came door to door in the 50s or 60s and said you could bake a cake in that wherever pot on the stove.
32:18 I need to bake a cake at but the beans don't taste the same.
32:23 As a do or don't need such good when you come out of that pot crock pot. It's alright.
32:31 I guess that's another thing that's going to have to be decided.
32:37 I don't think. I knew that she had to put in her will who got what cooking utensils already got the spoon number that spoon that wooden spoon. I got Mom's wooden spoon. Do you know that?
32:50 I don't care about Mom's wooden spoon. I got none of us like I'm happy and I have all I have about those yellow coffee mug to be used to use. I have his wallet. I don't know why he gave me that.
33:05 The little velcro wallet I put I put my money cuz all that's another thing that we learn specifically from Tata to save our money.
33:16 More so save your money in your drawer in your mattress or somewhere see sacrifice sacrifice irregardless or regardless. I knew I knew that was
33:31 It sounded like it should be a word. I think it should be a word other people use it.
33:38 Disregard, this ain't even that regard irregardless was with regard what he means without regardless irregardless.
33:47 So what?
33:52 Before the day we went to tell him I was going to ask you that but I didn't want you to get sick.
34:03 I think I already said it.
34:05 Yeah, I was going to say I don't think there's too much more that we can say that they don't already know.
34:14 I would tell that to that.
34:19 If he goes first time, I tell him I said none. I'll see you later. She see you soon look for her.
34:27 But I always said if I don't do what she said she was she dancing to come back and haunt me or you going to tell me I tell her I tell Mom I said when you die if you better come back and help me come back so I can see you.
34:41 Remember when she used to say that or she still says that I think that she smells roses sometimes.
34:48 And it's her mom. She said when she was in the rocking chair in your bedroom. She's rocking there. Anyways, October December October.
34:59 1991 and she's like a crocheted blanket or Afghan of Afghan Afghani movies. Can I call for Afghan should be for me? Other than that? She said well Afghan or sweater something fell off the rocker and she was sitting there soon as you start to smell roses. That was the same night. He died.
35:24 Good night.
35:27 He died.
35:31 Sheep know that
35:34 If I would have wanted to see my kids wanted to come back and see my kids.
35:39 Okay, she haunts me but I wanted to I want to know that she saw them.
35:45 The next time you go there we need to take a video camera. I want to I don't want to tell her that make her cry or make her feel like I think she's going to die soon. I won't cry she talked about it so much. I don't think she's but I want her when she's choking sixes in a really good mood assistant might like to know that I don't know if it's possible. I mean, I don't know Korean car dated and I think about the nun about reincarnation. She said she want to come back as or should that she used to be a cat do whatever the heck she wanted and have sex with your attitude.
36:23 You know what? I think you know it smell and it sounds kind of gross but smell reminds me of that.
36:30 I don't know.
36:32 I think what I would say dirty disc.
36:37 You know when it starts to stink before like when it's getting that moldy smell.
36:43 Cuz his hands always smell like that. I don't think of you when I think of that smell, but I don't you saying I think you know that snow.
36:56 The breath isn't very good but the time and she knows it but she loves some cinnamon big red or don't sell usually big rational.
37:07 Show my big red grape and strawberry flavor or Bubble Yum Bubble Yum.
37:19 Cinnamon or gardenia lotion
37:24 Stop. No smell.
37:26 Rubber bands Odysseys white legs and rubber bands in dirty dishes
37:39 I think we have enough good memories.
37:45 New Balance out the other stuff that to happen and I think we have enough good memories to talk to our kids about to go see what's that paper? I so you have to read this about your great-grandparents. I want to read that. Are we tell your kids you better read this if you don't have dumped your kids, I would take them with me somewhere and I'll force them to hear stories about us.
38:13 Oh my God, Mom and Dad and her parents. I trust you'll tell him but I want to be that weird uncle that site again. I don't care from that person. I'm I'm cool with it, then they'll be sitting here and talking about us like this.
38:31 They'll be fine. As long as I get to know they did Eric to hear it. I think it'd be cool with that.
38:37 Let's fart snort and cut it short.
38:41 Is there more to say than I thought
38:44 I got a letter got it out though.
38:49 I snuck my shirt.
38:55 Love you and love you, too.
39:06 How did you use the whole box is empty? I'm going to tear up the boxing.
39:13 Domino's with the Box