Alma Earnest and JT Perez

00:02 My name is JT Perez. I am 48 years old and today's date is January 10th 2016. We're at Las Cruces New Mexico and my relationship, is she's my friend.

00:18 My name is Alma Ernest. I'm 36. Today is January 10th 2016 in Las Cruces, New Mexico and my relationship to JT is we're good friends.

00:32 So, you wanted to talk about then? Yeah, then I were good friends like you and I are good friends and we share it all lots of stories and I would consider you a confidant but he was the first person that I

00:52 Trusted enough to to tell him things that I may not tell other people we became extremely close in four years. We I I actually didn't remember the first time I met him. I met him at a store he was working there, but I didn't remember until he was working at a karaoke bar and I went I actually went to spy on the guy. I was dating at the time we should broken up and then somebody told me he's there. So like the crazy twenty-two-year-old that I was back then I went to the bar and I didn't have enough courage to go confront him. So I stayed in a karaoke bar and I ended up enjoying myself a little too much. I started doing songs myself and got invited to an after-party.

01:48 And you know Ben was working there and he he he was an Entertainer. He was getting paid to dance to sing tell jokes and I just kind of motivate everybody to keep having fun. And so we went to this party and it started getting a little too crazy and we decided

02:09 That we needed to go get pancakes tested. And while we were there he told me you defended me from a very rude customer when I was working at this one store. And then I remember that that moment he was stalking a cams and in this aisle and I could hear a customer just being really rude though. I park my car. Next aisle and I told that customer off and he was he was grateful but he was like, you know, you didn't really have to do that. I just ignore them. He probably had a bad day and that I was ready to throw cans and these are just so annoyed with that person because there was so rude and yeah that that's that's why that's how I remember meeting him like the first time that we had this conversation, but it turns out that we had met about a year before that a year. Yeah, so when you saw him at karaoke, where are you like John?

03:10 I was he was a really good dancer and I've always loved dancing and he just had this Charisma to him. You know, there was a lot of people on stage. I mean that they would have from anywhere from three to six entertainers during the night. And so their routine was they would do their show with the hopes that people would sign up to sing and then they would let people saying and after like three songs that customers would do than one of them with sing or dance and he was the one that had the most energy and the most Charisma. What did he look like then, you know, I was trying to think how tall he wasn't.

03:51 I can't remember his exact height and he's a player from 56258. I think if I remember and you know, I'm really short. So if I thought he was a lot taller than me. So tell me that he had the kindest and biggest brown eyes. He had black curly hair and he was always putting gel in keeping it in place and it was kind of like his his little inside joke about how how much you would take care of his hair.

04:25 And he was always moving. It wasn't like he was hyper but it was almost like he could almost always hear a beat. So he was always mean moving his shoulders moving his head. It was like he could hear music inside his head the whole time. So that's what year was that? Oh my goodness. I met him in 2003. I believe 2002 13 years ago. Yeah.

04:53 Yeah, and so

04:56 So why did you want to talk about him? I mean

04:59 I wish more people got to know then then died 10 years ago January 5th of this year.

05:09 Ben was so full of light so full of laughter so full of kindness and love and

05:17 And this

05:20 Hunger to be kind to other people that that I hardly see any more. Yeah, and I don't think it even has to do with with his age at that time. I think that's just who he was, you know, he was that type of soul that used to be compassionate and needed to be of service to other people needed to be

05:40 I don't know then was that guy that anybody could stay could call and say hey I'm moving and he'd be there we know 2 hours after getting off from work to help you move and I really wanted to

05:58 Have his mom see him through my eyes or hear them through my Awards, I guess and because now that I'm a mom. I can't fathom living without my baby and and I don't think any mom should have to bury their son.

06:17 Especially at such a young age. I mean, he wasn't even 25 yet when he passed away.

06:24 And

06:27 I just want to keep him.

06:29 A lie for her in some way and bring her a little piece of his heart that I carry with me at all times. I think that's that's what I want her to see.

06:41 I remember.

06:44 He he committed suicide or his death was ruled a suicide. And I don't know if I'm in denial because it hurts too much to think that way or because I think it was very suspicious how he died but

07:00 I also think that if people were to hear how much it hurts for the people that stay behind after somebody goes away.

07:09 This way there was suicide.

07:14 If they would know how much they would be missed by people that they might think I don't want to burden that person with my problems or it won't be important. You know, I've been could see how many people miss them and cried and where they're at the funeral and still think about him and you know, they could see how much his little sister has grown up and how she's married now and with kids and how his brother has the such a good dad and you know such a good husband.

07:44 There's always things that change so much in just a year or two and let alone in 10 years. So I I

07:55 I don't know. I just I just want a little Echo there for others who may need it. I need to hear it where you and I are both been there, you know suicidal or very depressed and like we know how lonely it can be and then yet. We got past that stage and we went to we can see how better. Yeah. I came over how we experience things that we never thought we were going to experience right anniversary is we thought we weren't going to hit and that we weren't going to yeah, like turning a certain age. And yeah,

08:36 So I think that's great that you want.

08:39 His mom to remember him a certain way you have like a favorite memory of him. I do I I have a lot but this is my favorite and it does involve his mom.

08:52 His mom is Elaine Briggs and he told me the Thanksgiving of 2005. I was throwing it was the first Thanksgiving dinner that I was going to have at my house. I was a very proud young homeowner. And so I wanted to let you know it's my first home in it and I just wanted people to show up at my place and because we had some flowers, you know, working graveyards. We were working when people were at home sleeping together or when they're out partying but you know, we were a very tight group of friends, you know, the ones that we're working those those late shifts and doing the kind of jobs that we were doing you.

09:35 By this time I have I had a already joined his his team of entertainers. Yeah, it was a bar and we would start at 4 in the 4 in the afternoon and we would you know, get happy hour ready and it was me the whole point of this was to keep people entertained so they would keep buying drinks. I mean, this is how Taurus make their money but when we were in in the karaoke bar, usually like karaoke bar wasn't the hit of this of this club right? There were three other bars and we are kind of like this is where you go. If you don't you don't want people to see you. This is the part that you go to if you want to make fun of other Singers This is where you go to but we ended up having such a great group that we that we were always having a full bar and and you know, it was just great.

10:33 So we had to work that night. We had to work on Thanksgiving but I was cooking a turkey and he had called me and said I am bringing the love of my life. I'm bringing the woman that owns my heart and I dis time. He was my roommate and I had invited his ex-girlfriend.

10:57 And because we work together we were like, I mean this would make for a great, you know, nasty soap opera already novela so she can invite her with Ben's baby baby Eli and I wanted to be a family thing and I wanted all of us to be together and and well they weren't a couple anymore. We were still off friends, you know, and I would watch the baby sometime so I wouldn't baby Eli there.

11:31 But I had also invited a girl that he was dating at that time.

11:36 And you know, we could keep it keep it civil I thought and but then he tells me this and I'm thinking oh, oh, I didn't know he had broken up with this other girl. So he are two x's and I'm being really careful to step them, you know as far away from each other so that there's no issues and here he's bringing the love of his life as he told me the woman that owns heart since I was really nervous and I remember I had cooking wine for the turkey and every time that I would baste the turkey I would take a shot.

12:13 And by this time I'm this, you know.

12:16 I'm just immature we know 23 24 year old and I by the time that Eli Elaine got there. I was drunk and I and I still thought that that was your girlfriend. She's so pretty she's such a beautiful lady and like that and you know, I'm Ben Ben loved everybody. I mean that he loved women and he sometimes you know, I'd be catty and I'd be talking all that girl is so ugly. Look at her look at her how ugly she is and he be like no look at this and you would find like she's got the prettiest eyes or she's got the prettiest lips or look at this look at things that I wouldn't even think about, you know, so he could really see through a person and find the most beautiful.

13:03 Part of them and not just physically but also be no characteristics there has their personality and so I thought well, yeah he yeah, he could be dating a woman be 15-20 years older than him. I don't I don't see a path that we are past him. And so the whole time I thought oh my God, this this is going to get ugly ones. Everybody figures out, you know, when she figures out who she is and who you know who this other woman is and I'm going to have to be women fighting in my kitchen and my roommate was convinced as well as my other roommate. She was like, well should we tell her should we pull her aside and tell her and so I think that's how we figured out that she was the mom.

13:47 Propecia side and you know and I can only imagine how I sounded, you know, and you didn't introduce her as this is my mom we walked in and he said this is the love of my life everybody and of course the other two girls hurting you because they had you know, they had met her already, but I I didn't so, I don't know if he did it to prank me or or if I was if I just pranked myself because I was drinking cooking wine.

14:18 People inside the mall or someone else

14:20 I'm sorry. Say that again.

14:23 The mom I pull outside the mom and I was like, I just so you know, his ex-girlfriend is here and and you probably are you not care that you're dating him. You must know that he has assigned with Karen.

14:38 It seems really nice about it. She was laughing. She was laughing so hard and we still talk about it. Every time that we are feeling sad and we that we talk to each other. She'll say remember how drunk you were you have to keep bringing that up. You late. Just forget about that.

14:58 So, how was he like with others? Can you tell me what time a story about if people were upset with him or caddy with him? He'd still find the best of them. Yeah, he never he never held a grudge. Not that I knew of I remember bartender just being a complete jerk to him and he don't want to be in our bar just like I don't want to be here people can say once it once it's you know, 10:30 people are not singing their way league on the microphone and

15:35 Yeah, he was just kind of rude and he had been really rude to to Ben but been kept pushing people to go buy drinks from him and and you know tipping him and he made the most money that day in Tipsy know and that's where the bartenders get most of their, you know, that's how they pay their bills. Yeah the tips. So I remember the guy give like a 20 and said thanks for all the help and United think I was going to do this good and you know, I remember telling him you should you should do that, you know send them to another bar. He's such a jerk. I just had a really bad day and he's got kids and he's you know, I mean, he had all these reasons to justify why this guy was being a jerk and not taking a single one of them personally and that's you know, that's how he was. He was just like I said before he was a guy that would show up, you know to help you move.

16:35 The weirdest hours. I remember when after that party I was telling you about.

16:41 That we we went we left for pancakes instead. I started going to the bar more often and and I didn't realize how much I love karaoke but it was so much fun. It was so liberating that I started going more often, but I still had a retail job and you know, I was I was an assistant manager and we need it people for to do inventory and I was short one person. I mean that we were still short on staff that I remember I even hired my mom. This is just temporary so I hired my mom but I still need it one more person and I thought it was who can I call can I go cuz it's going to be like 4 in the morning. You know that that it has to be done because by the time we open the store everything needs to be accounted for and I remember calling him and I had only been his friend for like a couple of weeks at them and he's like sure I'll be there just buy me a burger.

17:36 He showed up and you know, of course I left to get some sleep my mom and him and other people that were working at just had a black he was the only guy it was so it was a women's clothing store and I hired a bunch of women and he was the only guy by the time I left everybody was Miko mejores. Do you want coffee? Can we get you a burrito? You want us to buy you breakfast everybody loved him, you know and and but I hadn't thought about it that he was getting off from work like at 2:30 in the morning. He was going to get like an hour off and then come help me and then go home Paris had a baby and and it wasn't that he wouldn't say. No. It was just that he if he could

18:23 He would ya how many people do that anymore? I can't think of many, you know any activity that I ever did he was there it was even think that he wouldn't agree on are they he didn't like her that he didn't believe in but he was there like what? Okay, so I'm a Tarot reader and he would do I would work the wine festivals or the renaissance fair or psychic fairs and read cards and he didn't particularly believe in that, you know, he didn't even believe in that kind of stuff, but he would show up to see if I need a food what to do if I needed a break or just to be there, you know.

19:09 I'm also a belly dancer and so every show that I had it could be at the weirdest locations, you know, and I was so young that I would take just any gigs that they would give me. You know, how you're going to be like the last show you are it's going to be between these two bands that had nothing to do with belly dancing, but they needed a filler and so I would take the spot and he will show up he would show up to support me like not even the guys that I was dating. I use my husband nowadays. She's up to do I have to be there for my husband has like a hall pass like can I pass on this one? I don't think it's anything bad. But what I'm trying to say is that Ben was just so unconditional with his friendship that it didn't matter if he wasn't there to enjoy it. He was in there too, you know, he was in there to get his cards read.

20:04 He was there because he knew it was important to me and he wanted to make sure that I

20:10 Saw that he knew it was important to me and therefore he was going to be there for me what a selfless guy very much very much some days. I would get so annoyed with him because he would do things for our people that I didn't think would Merit I didn't think they deserved it. A lot of times. It was the women that in his life that women he was dating and I'd be like, why are you doing this? They don't deserve that, you know, they treat you this way or she's treating you that way and and he was like, but you know, I'm committed to them.

20:45 I'm committed to her not like he was in a bunch of them. But you know where he was dating at that time. He was 100% a hundred and 10% committed to them, you know these selfless acts that you would you would do. Do you think it had anything to do with his face or do you think it was part of like his moral character?

21:07 I think I think it's a little bit of both, you know Bandit things that I didn't even.

21:15 Think about especially at that age, you know, like yeah, and he was younger than I was I mean, he was a couple years younger than me. So when I was you know, he was like twenty one and I was 23. It was like a year-and-a-half different sir. I'll give you a really good example one time he shows up at my house on Halloween.

21:34 And you know dressed in costume. He loved Halloween and I'm like, what are you doing Trick Or Die lived way off on Highway 70 in the middle of nowhere and he shows up to trick-or-treat and he's got a sack with him and I'm like, what are you doing? You're too old to be trick-or-treating and he says I'm collecting cans and it's for the gospel Rescue Mission.

21:57 And that's what he would do on Halloween. He would go around trick-or-treating. He would take a lot of time to put these costumes together and there was a lot of detail and he was he was just so creative and they were fun, you know, you wanted to open the door and see what cost me and but he was enjoying it but he was the you-know-what tell me about 20 some year old going to go collecting cans on Halloween when they could be you no drinking. Yeah. So it was those kind of things that he would that he would do if you wouldn't tell anybody about it. He wasn't bragging about it, you know, there's not a single act of kindness and I can say that I haven't bragged about it a little bit and he has one person but he had all these little secrets that he would do, you know?

22:48 Good secret like that. So remind me to stuff you don't even know. I'm sure there's lots of things that I don't even know his mom probably doesn't even know ya do you think she knew this million?

23:02 I'm not sure. I'm not sure if she knows about him collecting cans for why me my nails are so fast that she does know. He I remember talking to her and saying he's always been he's always had a very tender heart and he's always been a very gentle soul, you know, and she says that even when he was little there was this softness to how he talked and she says our house was always loud everybody was, you know, just laughing and yelling and everything, you know, you don't have families get and he was always quiet and gentle and she has videos of him. The only time that he would have these bursts of massive energy is when you know, he she has a video of him at age two or three singing a Bon Jovi songs and just screaming at the top of his lungs, you know, and

24:00 He had I think he stayed up all his energy for dancing and singing I really do.

24:06 Yeah.

24:09 No, I hadn't but she told me many stories of him.

24:15 Sounds like a great guy. He was a great guy. There's something that that

24:23 There's a kindness in you that reminds me of then. I think that's why I tell you so many stories of him, you know that he doesn't have he didn't have to

24:33 Be a tough Macho to let you know that he's there for you that there's this man who can stand right next to you and and that there's still some sort of safety and some sort of protection that's there without a no.

24:52 Getting into fights or without, you know, I'm drinking some under the table or he was never like that.

25:01 If somebody was to the point where that would be a lot of girls were interested in him. So you would have Angry boyfriend show up to the bar, you know, and he feel like come on dude. Let's dance it out. Come on, come on, and and you know, I remember at that time. There was a guy I was dating and

25:20 He he didn't like them at all and but then would make him laugh so much that he's like, you know, I'm just going to stop talking to him. I can't deal with him just being so nice. He's like I just stopped. Why didn't you like them? We were okay. So we work out together, you know on double dates and it end up being been denied just having fun together, you know, dancing or ridiculous bar dances. We had inside jokes. We we just you know, we were such good friends it I think people always thought that we were a couple and we we just really hit it off all the time, you know, and did you ever date we did well three weeks before he died. We we started dating. Why was it was so awkward to me. It was like, you know dating my little brother.

26:12 And it was kind of we had been good friends and then best friends and then you had even been in the same place. There was too much too much time that we were spending together. And so for me, it was kind of weird and I was very dated when it came to love and you know, we went on a couple dates. We remember going to the movies and then a lot of our friends were already there and if you could try to hide and they saw so we were pretending that we knew that they were there already. We're just there to join the to me. It was really awkward and

26:53 I didn't I didn't feel like I I don't think that we would have hit it off as a couple. I think we would still be great friends, but I don't think we would still be a couple because we were so close and so

27:10 I know we were like siblings that sounds like you were soulmates of some kind of friends can be yeah. Yeah, I can I can I can see that and I do I do believe that and I think the difference is that sometimes you got you don't have to be in love.

27:28 With your soulmate. I mean, I love Ben I will always love Ben but it was in that that type of love. That was a romantic. Yeah. Yeah.

27:47 What are some some things that you think is very important that people remember about then? You mentioned that he's very kind and his kindred spirit and everything like that. But especially for his his kid that you think that it's important that they should know about then I think especially when I think of I keep calling him baby Eli, but he's going to Trenton this this year. He was only like five six months been passed away.

28:18 I think I want him to remember that.

28:22 That his dad knew how to

28:25 Light up a room and now he's put his best smile forward and that he

28:34 You know, he loved his community. He loved his family. He thought very highly of his brother.

28:43 You know he

28:46 He thought his little sister was the strongest woman he knew and he just thought the world of his mom.

28:53 And I think that

28:55 If if I could talk to his son that I would want him to remember that that that his dad was so capable of loving and

29:06 That he just gave so much to everyone.

29:11 That I know that if he was here he would do the same for him and I don't want him to feel that that since his daddy is not here, but he didn't love them because

29:24 He loved him so much. I think he just

29:28 Didn't know what to do.

29:31 At the day that he passed away.

29:35 There was a lot of issues going on. He was thinking of moving to Portland with his older brother. He wanted to make sure that he was going to have the ability to see his son was a lot of fighting going on and if he did commit suicide he

29:56 Probably did it out of desperation, you know in like we've mentioned before you and I have been there where it feels like nothing you do will have a solution that the world would be better off without you that no matter what you do.

30:10 The world can be better off without you. There's the sense of desolation and

30:18 And it takes a lot of courage to do something like that and people will not understand unless they've been there and the main thing I would say to I guess big for you right now would be that.

30:32 That I'm sure his dad truly truly loved him and truly truly loves him still.

30:39 You know, I was talking to my husband this morning and I told him the day of the wake.

30:45 The baby was fussy. So I took him out and we went to play Under This mulberry tree. I was you know, just playing peek-a-boo with him. Just trying to try to entertain him and in such tiny little thing didn't know what was going on, you know, everybody around him. Everybody close to him was crying. So I'm out there playing with him and I I remember saying then if you could give me a sign, please give me a sign. Just give me any sign. Let me know. Let me know that you you know, how much we love you and this hummingbird. I came down and fluttered around baby Elis nose, and it was a moment. There was just just between us two I could remember like looking around like is anybody else can anybody else see this, you know and know there was nobody there but I did so I even felt it was even more special that way that it was magical and that even though

31:46 Even though chances are that Eli will not remember that that in his. He knows that that was his daddy. Bring him that last kiss. You know, I'm his little nose and

32:04 I just want everybody to know that he was.

32:08 That best friend to everyone that unconditional best friend to everyone.

32:16 It takes so much strength to show that much love, you know, it's supposed to be like for men. They see it as a weakness a weakness, but I had that strength to show it is not afraid to be all heart and that's how he was always that he was always gentle always kind always compassionate always loving and I was trying to get other people to smile even if he was not happy himself.

32:46 And if there was something like you bought maybe Ben was trying to show you.

32:51 Actors, that's what do you think of D? Well,

32:56 The hummingbird symbolize

33:00 Warriors in the Aztec belief

33:03 So I think that he's showing me that he's a warrior that you know that he was bringing he was going to try to bring joy to his son that the life goes on in some way and that there are if we look around there are signs and just like his friendship is unconditional.

33:24 And everlasting I think so are your soul your souls, you know, our souls are to me they don't die. And since we're still here.

33:35 All the people that left him. I think we still carry a little piece of of his love of his Essence and I think all of us anyway try to carry that.

33:48 Well, you know, we we try to do our little acts of kindness. We we try to do the best that we can for for each other. Especially now that we don't have him. We I kind of holding ourselves up with each other support.

34:04 You're still in touch with all his friends. I'm more in touch with his family and there's very few friends that.

34:12 We were so close. I mean we we were like this little family my house was kind of like the the Gathering of of all these Misfits and after been passed away. We all kind of went our separate ways, you know people not in a bad way people started following their dreams like, oh, I don't want to work in this bar. I want to do this and I want to do that and we just scattered in different ways and there are few people that we're still

34:38 In touch and we saw once in awhile. We'll get together and talk about Ben.

34:46 But I'm in contact with his mom the most and his sister. I tried to tell her stories of things that he would stay but you know after a while I think while they've already heard the story. I don't have that many stories and but they're like tell it again that you know, it's a really

35:05 It's a really neat.

35:08 Connection that we have watching over you I think so, I think so. He left me lots of little Clues. I think I've told you this story before but when when been passed away, I had a revelation about some roses. So for the last two three years that I was working at this Barb every Saturday, I would get a rose and there was a gentleman that would go in and and he would sell real sister couples and and then he would bring me a rose and say this is from your secret admirer and then died on a Thursday.

35:49 That Saturday we were

35:52 You know getting ready to go for the funeral that the following day and I remember telling that that man I wish I could not sing. So I'm just kind of extending on the side of the stage trying to get people to sign up and I was at all really blurry, you know, I think I was in shock and there's things that I don't remember at all but I do remember telling him Hey, where's my rose? And he just started sobbing uncontrollably and I I realized then had been sending me roses all this time for two years and it wasn't like well, I don't think it was in a romantic way. I think I was just so jaded with previous relationships and things that happened in my life that I was so closed off to love at that time and I have been for like the last year, you know, and that that started happening and he

36:46 I think you wanted me to believe in love, you know what to have to have that thought that hey somebody out there.

36:54 Likes you somebody out there, you know be open for love. So I like to think every time I see a rose every time I see a hummingbird.

37:04 I know it's him, you know, yeah, I know it's him their songs are so many songs. He was such a good singer and Dancer there so many songs that I'm like sometimes I think about it about him and I turn on the radio and the song comes up and I'm like, okay I got you at school.

37:23 And then you met your husband shortly after I met my husband 8 months after been passed away and I was finally open.

37:32 To Love-Ru know and I realize life is short and why am I going to put all these conditions on the sheet of the perfect man? So I have a perfect imperfect person that I'm so in love and that wouldn't have happened if Ben hadn't opened me up to that.

37:52 I'm glad you were able to share the story with me why I'm really grateful that you help me. Tell my story. Thank you. Thank you.