Tony Shiver and James Thacker

00:02 My name is James Packer. I am 53 today's date is April 22nd 2018 and we are in Fort Collins, Colorado.

00:12 I am the relationship to my every partner is friend.

00:17 A my name is Tony scheiber. I'm 42 years old. Today's date is April 22nd 2018. Where in Fort Collins Colorado and James is my friend.

00:29 So Tony for some context.

00:32 Do you want to describe if you want me to describe how would you and I met why don't you describe how we met? Okay, I was we were volunteering or mutually volunteering without knowing one another at the color is Project Thanksgiving food distribution, right? I remember I showed up that morning at like 8 in the morning Saturday. I was kind of blurry eyes and irritated cuz of a cold I remember that and then

00:59 I think I remember my first question to you because we didn't know each other even was about a t-shirt that you're wearing at a run or something. I asked you very funny question about how was the run or something?

01:10 And what struck me about that day that we met is it we chatted briefly and we went about her volunteering duties. And then we were like magnets to one another. We just kept talking and kept talking and kept talking even though we were still volunteering and I don't know when that day. I learned very quickly that you and I did have this amazing deep-section. That was so striking to me not being used to meeting people and having a stronger connection, right? I agree. I mean I had that I had been volunteering there with the Colorado State project for a few months. I think by that point. I was volunteering there on Wednesdays are there in the food bank on for 4 hours starting serve in the morning working in the afternoon. And so they asked me to join them that day for the Thanksgiving.

02:04 A drive if you will and I said sure that would be great end and how wonderful to have met someone like you I was not very expected and

02:14 And at that point so if this was in November and I'd only been in Colorado by then for what for five months, I guess I came in July and so I haven't really met a lot of people and so it was great to meet you and we've been sort of fast friend sent away from your plan to protect tivities to be here. Right? Well, I mean this is storycorps after all and so really does not pretend to be like this come along I think and I feel sort of connection to storycorps in the collection of our Collective oral histories the way that it brings Community together and so I could not pass up an opportunity opportunity like this.

03:13 We're here for very specific reason because it was important to me was very it is important to me to tell apart of your story and I'm still thinking about your late husband how anyone hit didn't know Landon. How would you describe who he was how he lived his life or the impact that he had on your life.

03:40 Hopefully there's a lot in that isn't there. So first, let's

03:46 Will Landon Landon Padgett?

03:50 Came into my life.

03:55 Suddenly and unexpectedly.

03:58 And I connect it to him.

04:03 Almost immediately and a very sort of profound way in a way that I never connected to anyone before. I remember the the first time that we met in person. We actually he found me on Facebook and he sent me a message on Facebook. Text me how we met. And the first time we met in person. I put my arm around him in something about it felt so natural and it felt so real.

04:28 That doesn't happen often in life. And so

04:35 You know when I talk about Landon there so many things there so many things that I could say about him that he

04:42 No, he was a musician who played French horn and piano. He played in the Atlanta concert band. He played flute. I think you play Piccolo as well. I mean whose sword musical by Nature. He also was an athlete ran track in high school he competed in

05:05 Does competitive obstacle races in CrossFit as well? And so is CrossFit CO2 very athletic in that way and he threw me into CrossFit as well up there. A lot of things that I can switch say about who Landon was in the things that he did but more than anything, of course, he was my husband.

05:30 And I don't think there can be anything more profound in life. Then that person that you find in to find you and he was remarkably kind and gentle and calm and

05:49 In many ways a lot of the things I have not been in my life, right? He was the sort of that the sort of the yin to my yang. I tend to be high stress anxious person and Landon was very calm and found a way just in being himself that he could calm me down. His presence was undeniably a perfect fit for mine.

06:13 What do I miss that? Of course?

06:19 That's a lot of

06:21 Impacts intended and otherwise

06:27 Yeah, absolutely. I mean

06:31 You know before I met him.

06:35 I was very selfish. You know, I I I seem to have cared only for for me for what I wanted the things I wanted to do the places. I wanted to go the things that I wanted to buy. It was very much about me and when I met Landon

06:50 Something changed and I

06:55 And I didn't notice it at first but I noticed it over the years that we were together for you together for six years. So we were we were ticket we met we dated if you will for 4 years when we married March 16th of 2014. And then it's a we were married for two years land and died in September 2016.

07:22 In the course of my relationship with him I learned.

07:26 Did I didn't care so much anymore about what I wanted. I cared far more about what would make him happy. So when it used to be that if we were going to go see a movie or we're going to go to dinner. I would want to choose but then there's

07:42 When I'm at Landon that I'll change those like what do you want to do is more about him. I didn't care so much anymore and that

07:52 For me is a good sort of take away. If you will write their many things that I took from Landon, that's early one of them.

07:59 Well, I've said this before.

08:02 And you know, I'm sorry for your loss.

08:08 So catch us up that was in Atlanta. What was next to what brought you to, Colorado?

08:16 Well, so Landon's death, of course it impacting me in and weighs that

08:30 Are mostly Indescribable, you know, we try to use these words. We try to use words like devastating.

08:39 Tragic

08:41 Heartbreaking

08:44 Terrible awful we try to use these words.

08:48 But in fact, it feels like none of them. Not even if you combine the power of all those words into one do they start a capture the reality of

08:58 Of what the Loft mint

09:06 Because not only of course, you know, he was my husband he was

09:10 We were in the process of adopting a newborn out of Kentucky. We have been in the process of adopting since

09:20 2014 we we start the adoption process. So we found an agency in in begin working with him.

09:28 And

09:30 For years, we didn't really hear anything but in the spring of 2016.

09:37 We got the call from the adoption agency that we have been matched Anna and a lady out of Kentucky. I had selected us and we were over the moon at late if we were so excited.

09:51 And

09:58 Course

10:08 So, of course I didn't.

10:12 You know, I didn't just lose. My internet was for lost the Sun.

10:23 And

10:26 So after you know after that, you know a month of his illness and then after he died I found myself.

10:38 Just incapable of moving, you know.

10:46 I went through the motions of like going to work.

10:51 Amy Roberts stand at my desk

10:55 I'm just sort of stare at the walls and stare at the clock, you know, because when we were matched with the birth mother in Kentucky Landon came to the office and we stood at my desk and we watched her first sonogram. So we learned the sex of the baby standing in that same spot where I had to stand.

11:17 I just found that you know, I couldn't I just couldn't move I couldn't like interact with the world.

11:26 And I needed a change. I knew that.

11:35 It's felt like I was just standing in molasses. Like I couldn't physically move. I remember telling people that it felt like I was just wandering the world. Like I was just this identity to sort of existed in the world that wasn't interacting with it in any way and I started seeing a therapist and people started giving me advice, you know in the first year don't make big changes, you know, because you don't know what you're going to want to do.

12:04 But none of that I didn't care about any of that really because I

12:08 You know if I can say something about myself it's that I know myself.

12:13 And I know that I need to change that. I could not stay there and survive that the memories were too heavy that he existed everywhere course.

12:29 Everywhere and nowhere at the same time. It's a weird sort of existence and

12:37 Landon's stepmom Linda pageant

12:44 She told me she lost her husband when she was relatively young and she had two kids.

12:50 And she told me she said when she asked me she said does it feel like

12:56 When you're somewhere else you want to be home, but when you're home you want to be somewhere else if that is exactly how I feel specially since he was he was sick at home and then Hospice Care at home.

13:11 I needed to get away from that but I also didn't want to leave it because that's where he was and that's where he existed this weird sort of thing. But I I knew through all of this that change had to come I couldn't stay I couldn't stay in the house. I didn't know how profound the change would be. I didn't know what was coming. I just knew that making the decision to make a change in my life was what I had to do to survive and sew in.

13:42 It was late winter early spring of 2017 decided to leave Atlanta.

13:54 Then I had to get away because it wasn't just the house. It wasn't just work. It was you know on the driving to and from work I passed the building where we had the our meetings with our

14:07 Our social worker about the adoption with every everywhere. I went there were reminders of

14:15 A good things but still very painful things to to sort of remember every day young. So at that point, I knew I wanted to go but I didn't know where I didn't know didn't know you know, what is next. What what's next and

14:32 I guess we're fortunately at that point I was in school. I was in grad school out of University of Denver. I'd started there in.

14:42 Goodness

14:45 Yeah in January of 2016. I started master's program in leadership in organizations at the University of Denver and

14:57 So when it came time for me to decide where to go I said while I'm in grad school in Denver, I'll just go there and finish in person and then making that decision. I felt like I could finally step through that molasses. You know what I'm saying. I felt like okay. I can actually get some movement and I can move forward which is what I needed. And so yeah, I started making plans and

15:25 Early spring 2017. I sold the house left my job left my career and in July 2017. I moved to Denver be on it was it was what I needed I knew but I was terrified course was terrified. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what was out there in the world waiting for me, but I knew that I had to find change.

15:58 So what's been the best part about the journey up to this point?

16:03 The best part

16:11 I think

16:17 I think that.

16:19 My life now.

16:24 Without Landing

16:27 Is a good one?

16:30 Not because he's not here, of course.

16:33 Not having him everything in my life. Now. I feel like as a consolation prize. Everything is just a consolation. I we were going to be a family. We're really married and have kids we were more than one and I didn't get to have that with him. So everything is a constellation, but I think that I've

16:54 I think I've created a life here that brings me happiness and that's a good thing.

17:02 Cuz I

17:04 Sorta told myself before I left Atlanta. I had many conversations with myself about what I what life was going to be when I moved out here that some of my old Hang-Ups about myself and my interactions with people I would have to sort of lay those bear leave those in Atlanta and move forward and try new things and meet new people.

17:27 And chief among that I had sort of three things that I wanted to accomplish and moving and it was

17:33 You create a life of impact a life of meaning and a life of purpose and I came here.

17:42 You know.

17:47 Not to escape.

17:49 Not to escape Atlanta know not to escape or some of the loss but to seek something better for my life.

18:02 And I think I found it here.

18:05 So then what's been the biggest surprise good or bad?

18:11 I think the biggest surprise is

18:18 This strength and tenacity that existed in me that I didn't know was there.

18:29 And that's good. That's a good thing that they sort of helped me build this new life for myself.

18:37 Do you know what's that? There's

18:40 In dealing with a loss in it and experiencing a loss this profound new people.

18:47 Say things

18:50 All the time things like how did you find the strength?

18:56 Where does the where does that kind of strength come from? Not just to sort of survive a loss at 2?

19:04 You know.

19:08 To sit daily

19:11 With you know, dying husband and hold his hand.

19:23 And to be with him in the moment that ghosts.

19:29 Where does the strength come from?

19:32 To get up in the morning and just face the day and I don't know. I don't know when I think about it. It's not strength. It's simply survival you that something that humans can do. Well it survive.

19:50 And that survival Instinct I think kicked in for me.

19:54 But I'm also a plan or I like to know that I'm going to do something, going to do it. How am I going to accomplish it? So I had those conversations with myself before I moved here and said, what is the life that you want now Tony know what can you create that is Meaningful purposeful and

20:13 Impactful

20:16 Remember that was your question. We got there purposefulness pursuing the Landon Padgett foundation. So

20:31 How

20:35 What would Landon say about your Pursuits? Well, let's let's take a step back. So we know one of the things that

20:47 One of the things that I've learned along the way is that

20:53 I need

20:55 I need to do something with the grief.

20:58 You know some people.

21:02 Blanket away some people

21:07 Express it very sort of overtly the grief in the loss.

21:13 For me I needed to turn that grief into action action for myself and action for Landon.

21:20 The action for me was leaving Atlanta and moving to Denver and creating a life that I can be proud of.

21:30 The other piece is this foundation in his name for Landon Padgett Foundation.

21:38 Which were just now getting off the ground, of course with family and friends is a way to submit Landon's Legacy.

21:50 To carry forward the Goodwill that he did in his life cuz he was as you know, he was a cardiac ICU nurse at Children's Healthcare of Atlanta. So he his professional life is dedicated in service to kids with Acquired and

22:10 Congenital heart defects, right and you know Landon died when he was when he was 30 and I just feel like and we all feel like there was so much more for him to do there was so much more and he had so many plans were so many things. He wanted to do that. We're not about himself. They were about their about helping others and healing others.

22:34 And

22:38 I just couldn't let that go to be honest. I want to carry that forward for him and cement that part of his legacy to the Landon Padgett Foundation allows us to do in his name give scholarships had to give grants to youth people who need assistance in whatever way you know, we're still working on the mission. We're still working on what it is. Your organization is going to be but we know that our purpose is to Carrie Lynn is Legacy forward and given that

23:10 You know that he dedicated so much of his life in service to others. I think that he would be incredibly proud of the the foundation.

23:22 I'm not going to say that he was fully modest, but he was relatively modest. I think that he would say that it wasn't necessary. But I think you would be grateful for the work that we're going to do and I think

23:38 You know, he adored his family and he adored his friends.

23:43 And I think seeing them work together in a towards a common cause in his name would bring him great joy.

23:53 So what is going to help with the foundation? What would would help move that forward you think would almost?

24:04 Will certainly early on we need we need we need funding we need to know people to to sort of join us in this effort. But right now as I said, you know, where in the in the process of the sort of drafting our mission and our vision are our goals. We haven't even we haven't even begun the work of you know, the Articles of Incorporation at 5 on Wednesday 3 status. So we're still very much in this early stage. But you know when the time comes we need people to join us in our efforts volunteer fashion and financial fashion in whatever way we sorted fine as we move forward.

24:45 What make anyway?

24:54 I don't know what might get in our way of accomplishing our goal. Is that what you mean? But might get in the way of forming of becoming a I fully operational fender. Well, I can tell you this that typically when I put my mind to something new comes to fruition so I don't feel I'm not too worried about something about it not happening because I know that we have such a passionate Board of Trustees who I was in Atlanta in March recruiting the the Board of Trustees and we have

25:33 7 folks in Georgia we have you here in in Denver and we have one of Landon's friends out of San Francisco. And so this Core group of people I think feel so passionately and so holy about

25:54 Carrying forward this Legacy that I don't see why we can't succeed. So tell me where to use to yourself in 6 months to years. I don't know and I learned something in this whole process. That plans are.

26:12 It's almost a waste of time to think too far out. Do you know what I mean that it was a phrase best laid plans exactly best laid plans of I don't know what it is, but it is absolutely true. I try not to think too far down the road, especially right now because as you know, I lead a very busy life so being a full-time student at do you taking a couple classes a quarter also work part-time at the nature conservancy and volunteer around the city volunteer for

26:49 Oh my brain just stopped for the glbt community center on Colfax. I volunteer there for special events. I'm volunteering for Pride Fest project Angel Heart. I'm there a couple nights a week chopping vegetables in the kitchen and then Angel heart has a wonderful mission of providing hot meals to those with life-threatening and terminal illness and being with with those group of folks at that angel hard on Monday and Wednesday nights has his healing and Powerful in it. It brings me such Joy.

27:25 But I say all that to say, you know, I have a lot going on in my life, but it's all because of Landon and that's you know, everything it it all seems to come back to you know, when we talk about. What did I learn from Landon? I learned that

27:40 So I learned that maybe I'm not as selfish as I as I thought I was but I also learn to sit.

27:49 Let's service.

27:51 That being part of a community of people and engaging.

27:59 Is a powerful thing and it's needed and so I spent a lot of time with him the last months of his life.

28:10 You especially near the end of thinking about.

28:14 Does mammoth?

28:16 Purpose

28:23 Doing this job was so much meaning.

28:30 You know, I got to talk to.

28:33 Some of the parents

28:36 Of the kids

28:40 And they tell me.

28:43 You know how wonderful and who was no not just to not just to the little ones but to them, you know because he was so kind and so calm and so I thought a lot about him and his life and his legacy when I was with him.

29:02 In his final days and weeks

29:10 And I wanted for myself.

29:17 A profession a life of meaning and impact and purpose in that way. And so I sort of took that from him and I've Incorporated in my life in many ways now.

29:30 And for me that's powerful and it is completely changed the direction of my life, but it's so fulfilling and it brings me such happiness, you know, so Landon lives on in me that's on through me in my actions and the things that I do so when I think down the road, what will I be doing? Hopefully making a difference hopefully engaging and Community. Hopefully talking about Landon as often as I possibly can doing good work in his name.

30:06 And living a life that that I can be proud of him that I know that he would be proud of.

30:15 So I asked you when I told you about storycorps and I asked you how did you initially react? Well, I wasn't so sure because you know, I think that you know you and I come at this in very different ways. I think that for you and I know for others who here.

30:32 My story it's

30:35 It's impactful, you know, it has a

30:38 It impacts pokes when they hear you know, what we've been through and especially what landed went through.

30:50 So I can see how from your point of view that would be an interesting story to tell but for me, I see this as telling Landon story. And so when you told me about storycorps I thought

31:02 First of all, can I get through this? You know without crying too much. I think I've done fairly well, but I wasn't so sure that I was ready to tell Landon story in this way because

31:15 Being a Landon story is my story and you.

31:18 I tend to be a very

31:21 When it comes to me, I tend to be very private and I don't share with a lot of folks.

31:28 It's just a a core group of people if you will look very young people who are very close to me people that I trust that I share these types of things. So I'm actually surprised that I was able to sit here and I appreciate your sort of affording me this opportunity or so.

31:54 What do you want most right by telling his story by sitting here with me today? What do you want most as a result of well more than anything. I would love for people who didn't know Landon to get to know him through me through his story through the foundation and then we'll end whatever way that I can because he was truly a remarkable person. And of course, you know, no no one is without fault. So you had faults as we all do.

32:22 But

32:23 He was a remarkable person in that.

32:32 And that he he made me whole.

32:37 And that's a powerful thing.

32:43 And

32:46 You know you had sort of

32:49 Small town I'm going to say small town values. I come from a small town. So I feel like I can say that I love her family.

32:59 I love her country.

33:02 A belief that we're better together than apart.

33:11 There was so much in him that I appreciated, you know.

33:19 And I want people to know that.

33:30 Physically

33:32 The whole thing

33:44 I don't know what I would say cuz I feel like I have so

33:52 So land and grew up, so we grew up in Cochran, Georgia, right? He grew up in a

34:00 I don't know if it was a really large family. I know his dad has a lots of brothers and sisters so in Cochran

34:09 There are lots of Paget's around right so he grew up in he grew up in a small town in Middle, Georgia. So Cochran is I don't know. It's maybe 30 to 40 minutes outside of Macon to in the middle of state, right and

34:23 He was parents tell stories about a young land and I wish I could have known that when you know of a little boy who

34:31 You like to chase trains and

34:34 You know loved his mother Jay and

34:39 And is Daddy van I mean

34:45 He was just you know, he was a he was a country boy if you well, you know, he went out inside he played with his friends and he got a little older he

34:55 She came out in high school, which was incredible, you know, especially the Middle Georgia if you can imagine coming out at that age was it is pretty remarkable. I know that I was not ready at his age to come out and I too was from a small a town in Georgia, but he you know, like I said, he he played in the band. He he ran track he play piano he spend time with his family spent time with his friends. He was just a sort of typical kid, and then he went on to

35:28 Middle Georgia College we started is his college education at Middle, Georgia College and remember how long he was there, but he went on from there to

35:39 Atlanta and went to Emory nursing school Emory University nursing school and interestingly the first time I ever saw him this song two times before he sent me the message on Facebook because I worked on campus at Emory and the the building that I work to is next to the height was next to the hospital. I saw him a couple times go out of the building and I remember the first time thinking about how that's a really cute guy, but he was at he had tattoos, right? So any of gauges so 10 years younger than me. So I at the time I was 34, he was 24 and I thought of you who is this kid? Right, but he was so cute and there was something about him and his maybe in the gauges in the tattoos, but there was just something there was an aura around him that I

36:33 That I remember thinking to myself. I wonder what it would be like to date a guy like that and I saw him again, maybe a month later and

36:47 And I thought that's that guy that I saw before and it wasn't but maybe a week later that I got that phone on Facebook. And the only reason that I replied was that guy that I saw on campus it was pretty incredible. But you know, he he at that time he was just sort of settling into his career. So he just come out of nursing school and you notice 24. Like I said, you was already on them. It was just sort of sort of finding his way in the world and

37:19 And then we met and everything sort of changed. He's not a very very big guys pretty little guy maybe 59510. He would never say that he was shorter than me though. I'm certain that. He was a little shorter than me and he had he had hair sort of like mine. So he had some hair but he just shaved it off. So he was for the body like I am now and like I said, he was pretty pretty small guy but something in his stature made him feel like he stood taller it a presence in a room that everyone everyone we have two services for him after he passed we had a we had a service in Atlanta and a service in Cochran.

38:07 And everyone talked a lot about Landon's presents and it was a powerful sort of thing.

38:13 And it's almost indescribable.

38:16 It was the way he made you feel, you know there people in your life that they make you feel good just by their presence.

38:32 I would like to offer a reflection if I could.

38:37 And one thing I'm struck by you.

38:40 Only having known you for 5 months now 6 months Maybe.

38:49 I know that you have people in your life that love you.

38:54 And I love you.

38:56 And what's striking to me is even as I've invited her drug you into my family here. They love you.

39:08 And I would like to thank Tony that inasmuch as your story is his astounding and inspiring even it's also your

39:21 Genuine Spirit to do good

39:26 Whether it's with Foundation or if it's day today in your community, that's what drives you and I and I think my observation is that so people are so drawn to you most for that's what I like. That's what drew me to do. I look for volunteering. Well, that's true. And that was such a pleasant amazing surprise, you know, so I just want you to look around and go. Wow that you have this amazing Support Network.

39:57 And while that doesn't make up for compensate doesn't erase anything. You shouldn't be right, but it's there and it's holding you up.

40:07 Yes, certainly, and I and I'm grateful for that. You know, it's it but that's part of that conversation that I had with myself before I moved out here that you know, I am I am a textbook introvert and I need to do it doesn't mean that I don't like people that doesn't mean that I don't like to socialize that means that that Solitude helps me heal. And so I am still healing course, you know this the the process of of grief and Recovery is is is long term

40:37 And but I knew even before I came here that I was going to have to step out of the Solitude and I was going to have to step into situations where I didn't know people.

40:49 And be honest and transparent about who I am and what I need and in doing that and having that conversation with myself, I've been able to do that here and it's been wonderful. You know, I've met so many great people and only 9 months of being here.

41:08 But I think part of it is that I I think I learned some of that from Landon. I I could I saw how he was. You know, he he was you know, if you think about an introvert extrovert sort of spectrum. I think he fell in the middle he very much enjoy time alone, but he also loved dancing with his friends. He loved going to shows with his friends. They loved their music and that healed him it energized him it, you know it gave him strength charging a battery all of those things exactly. He loved that but at the same time, he really enjoyed this sort of the time that he and I had together and another thing that I love so much about our being together, which I don't find often.

41:55 Is that we can just exist together we can just exist in the same room together. There was no there was no need to talk. There was no need to discuss we could just exist together and feel healed and that's powerful and Powerful, you know.

42:14 So young.

42:17 Is there anything else you wanted to know about?

42:33 Daily Grind him and I was wondering if you could like expand that feeling and describe the feeling itself.

42:46 When I saw him.

42:49 Then we we hugged I put my arm around him.

42:53 And there was it was an immediate source feeling of comfort of feeling like my life had just changed, you know in that one Embrace just in that and I knew it and I and I knew it immediately.

43:10 It felt like nothing I had ever felt before and it's part of it was in his voice. He had this this is he had a deep voice that you wouldn't necessarily expect out of a man of his stature. But again, it was so calming and I felt like, you know, I've been single for a long time and I and I have not dated very much at all. I've been single for 6 years or so.

43:37 Where was I going with that and your breasts get a deep voice? And you knew that you didn't like that the weight of being alone. It just sort of gone away. I just knew that this was this was it.

43:52 I mean, how did how do you describe those that with words you just sort of feel like you feel the I felt lighter? I felt connected. I felt like we were a team already strange, but wonderful. It's like a shift in the solar system. Yeah, absolutely.

44:10 Absolutely. Yeah.

44:16 Yeah.

44:19 Yeah, so going you know what I went back to Atlanta in March to visit.

44:25 With friends and family is my first trip back to to Atlanta after moving to Denver.

44:32 And the real goal here was to recruit really for the Board of Trustees and they all knew that they knew that part of my visit was going to be talking about the the Landon Padgett Foundation.

44:43 The other was to see these people who gave me strength when I was there, you know leaving Georgia while looking back. It seems like it was the obvious answer. Of course. I was leaving my entire support system moving to a place where I didn't know anyone. I didn't know what was coming and going back. It was great to see the faces of the people who

45:11 Who held me up when I needed to be held up.

45:15 And the ones who wished me well when I had to go right but in some ways it was regressive. It was difficult, you know, I think about you know being in Denver, it feels like because I'm so engaged in the community here and it feels like I've been here maybe for a decade it really feels like I've become such a part of the community that I must have been here forever. But when I was in Atlanta is like I've been gone in the blink of an eye.

45:43 Like no time has passed.

45:48 And maybe that's to be expected because I didn't because they're the weight of the loss was still there, you know, and I just sort of stepped back and said, oh here you are. There you are lost you're still here.

46:09 Do you know sleeping in his parents houses? So I visited his mom his mom and stepdad. So that's Sherry Conklin way Conklin. I visited them and we stayed in the bedroom where Landon and I stayed and

46:25 You know, it felt it felt inviting and difficult at the same time because he felt like he should have been there. You know what I'm saying? So is who is Hillier stepping back in time as what it felt like you and the same with Jimmy and Linda Padgett when I stayed with his dad and stepmom.

46:43 Landon's presents in these places still exist in such a real way that if it made it a little bit difficult, but at the same time necessary.

46:54 So I visited our old house when I was there. I drove through the neighborhood which was incredibly difficult, but for some reason I felt like I needed to I don't know. Why on some what I've learned in this whole thing is if my if my mind says do something I just go do it because it feels like you know the right thing to do and and in fact, I needed to see that there were lots of cars there that it wasn't our house anymore of that that he wasn't there that you know that

47:26 That house just like me we have we've both moved forward. You know what I'm saying? So in some ways it helped me close.

47:35 Some doors, maybe. Yeah, but at the same time I realized that there is a dirt his presence lingers and end up in that place.

47:49 In good and bad ways or he know because of course we had lots of happy memories there. You know, we were building a life there. We bought a house together and we're building our lives together. Then in the home that where we were going to raise children. So good things exist there, but in grief and healing it since it can be difficult to see sometimes

48:09 Yeah, you know men's me of Carolyn Miss. She's not there. No, she says that pain is everywhere.

48:18 Everywhere suffering is a choice.

48:22 Yes, I think I think that's absolutely right. And I don't you know what I think about.

48:31 I think about my life after Landon. I felt like I was suffering course.

48:40 And that I needed to get past it right and I was very aware of that. Maybe one of the good things about myself is that I am so introverted, you know for years. I've journaled. I I've always sort of been aware of myself that I pick up on my own cues, and I know what I need, and so that sort of helped me when the time came to make a decision about what was next in life right some thank you. Thank you.

49:10 You know that that's been a lot to me and being part of this for me is to spend by opening and rewarding and open my heart a little bit more to so thank you. Thank you for bravery. Absolutely again, you know, I I I look at this and I don't think that this is necessarily bravery. I want to tell Landon story and I and I want people to hear his story and then it so I thank you for this opportunity to say his name out loud cuz everytime every chance I get to say it out loud. That's what I want. And that's what I think it's so great about the foundation is that we can carry forward a legacy. You know, I have I have t-shirts that say Landon so CrossFit community in Atlanta after after Landon died hold a fundraiser in his in his memory with the proceeds going to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta and they created a land and work out until I have two of those t-shirts and there are times when I'm out in the world and

50:10 People look at it.

50:12 And I know they read his name.

50:15 And it makes me think.

50:18 Do they ask themselves? I wonder who that is.

50:23 And to me that's wonderful and it's powerful actually had someone in the grocery store asked me last week. Who's Landon. It was the checkout guy.

50:32 And I got to say out loud that he was my late husband. What a wonderful thing. You know, what a blessing to my life he was in so thank you for letting me sit here and talk about him for 40 minutes because there are days and weeks when that's all I want to do is just sort of talked about him.

50:51 When they always come with me.

50:55 Thank you. Thank you.