Heber Tello and Hannah Baltz-Smith

00:03 Hi, my name is Philip. I am 42 today is May 9th 2018. We are in Fort Collins Colorado and I am here with my friend Hannah. My name is Hannibal Smith. I am 31 today is May 9th of 2018 here in Fort Collins, Colorado during my friend Philip.

00:26 Philip thank you so much for joining me today. We a pleasure to sit down and catch up with you.

00:34 So our relationship we really didn't meet until your time at Harvest Farm, but I want to get to know more of the background. I know that you were not born in the United States. Would you tell me more about your experience growing up as a child and and what that was like sure so I was born into Wawa Chihuahua Mexico and I remember my childhood was a very simple one we were poor, you know, but I didn't know it so I definitely was a very energetic kid a very happy child. And even though we didn't have you know, the things that other people had here in the US, you know, I didn't know I was missing out because I was in Mexico. So that's what I remember about my very early childhood because we moved to the states when I was 4 years old.

01:32 Okay, do you have brothers and sisters that kind of where along for this journey as well? Are you only child? Well, I'm not an only child. My mother had eight children. Yes, but my dude has some circumstances my grandmother she decided she was going to take three of us from from my mother. You know, she felt like we were being neglected and that she was going to my grandmother was going to come to the states cuz my uncles were going to bring her over. They had already come over here and establish themselves and just for the sake of us being safe and she didn't know it was going to happen to us or sheets. She pretty much said I'm taking these she took my two older sisters and myself.

02:19 Where were your uncle's established here in the US when they first came here, they establish themselves in Hobbs, New Mexico and they started out by, you know, becoming workers of lakes construction companies and stuff like that. Well, they very soon learn the trade and they then started their own companies and from then there after they were super successful and became pretty wealthy men actually and I'm talking about your uncle's so you also and my mother followed suit and had eight children as well as interesting. So here in the US it was it was a little different for me. I caught on really fast as far as you know, learning English and you know started doing really well academically in school, you know, but it's a little kid I remember

03:19 I always stood out you know, and what do you think made you stand out?

03:26 I think that I especially noticed that I stood out when we moved from Hobbs, New Mexico, which has a very high Hispanic population to Midlothian, Texas, which is a southern suburb of Dallas, Texas. So it's predominantly white and I immediately started to feel like I didn't fit in and not because I didn't want to but because other kids would let me know that you know, and that's the first time I ever heard the word what wet back and bag and oh, yeah. Yeah. So regardless of that I think that before I became a teenager because we move to to Midlothian when I was 9 and for 9 years old till about about 13 ice was still a kid at heart so things would hurt me. I remember but but then they would just kind of shut off.

04:26 Right and I would still have that kind of very innocent spirit, you know, and I continued on with kind of living life as a as a as a, you know, happy kid and doing well in school. And I mean, I had a lot of different things happen to me. If you know there was a lot of emotional abuse verbal abuse sexual abuse not in my immediate home, but definitely people that knew our family, you know, and so and it wasn't family members. It was friends of family members and

05:15 At the time I didn't really know exactly what was going on and it didn't really come back to haunt me until I became a teenager and then I started to question everything just started to come back, you know, and I think that's when things really started to turn upside down for me, you know, emotionally. I was a wreck I was very confused. I felt like I didn't really have anybody to talk to especially about those shameful. What I regarded is very shameful situations and I took him not so I must be a shameful thing to you know, and so I kept it in and it definitely contributed to a lot of Brokenness I think later on in life, you know now that I look back but I kept I kept the struggle as far as that's when I started to learn to be kind of like this to person

06:16 So in front of the curtain behind the curtain exactly you I knew that I knew that he was with my family and what other people expected here's what was what was really going on behind the scenes in what couldn't be said anybody, you know and see you are living a double life essentially, you know, and I think that although I became a good actor it definitely took its toll on me because I I remember I became a very depressed teenager, you know, and I went from being an extroverted total introvert, you know, I didn't want cuz I didn't want people seeing the the ugliness inside and I didn't want them to discover. Oh Philip, you know, actually, my name is my legal name is Eva, you know Philip is that is a nickname that was given to me when I was very young. Mostly. I would say by myself, but actually

07:15 And contributed to that because he said he said that my name was ugly.

07:22 He couldn't say it. So it's a bad and it's in Spanish and as a little kid I still hadn't played around with it to say oh Heber or whatever, you know, maybe someone may make make make it a little easier for someone who spoke English. So you said my name is ugly. I don't want to let you know so I know it was so in and then I started to believe. Hey, this is another thing that's hard to believe about myself to yeah. My name is ugly. You're right, you know and in Spanish is ugly and and because of all of these other things that were going on as far as my race, you know, I ate then became kind of I got this belief that speak in Spanish and being Mexican was ugly, you know is so Philip was a very in my opinion kind of not to American but not Mexican at all, and I'm almost a little European, you know, and I thought a home and you know, that would really Elevate me.

08:22 Yeah, and I would go that goes with this double person personality and I'm not suffering from split personality. I'm really speaking about you know, just creating that front person right? It's going to be the face of the company of Philip of Heber. He's going to represent me and he's going to make sure that everything is going to go well in kosher and I'll be accepted not rejected, you know, and he's going to hide all the other stuff that I don't want people to know so, you know to be a very good actor. Yeah, most definitely and I would say that by my late teens it turned that acting really hone my skills as far as

09:12 I really knew what to expect, you know, as far as in different situations with people. I knew kind of knew what their next move was going to be what they wanted me to be, you know, and so I came in like a chameleon in a way but this whole time I was never really getting don't know myself, you know, because I knew what other people wanted and at that point you that was what was most important and so I think that the trash part about that is that at 20 at you know, right when I'm going into like almost 21 years old becoming a full-fledged adult. I didn't know who I was.

09:53 Not the scary place to be on this front for so many years and realize like who am I? What did you what did you do to kind of figure out who you are? I think that it took me a long time to do that. I was chasing an image of what I thought I was supposed to because you know, I was supposed to be, you know affluence and successful and Rich and in the American dream exactly none of my stuff, you know, which also carry because you can be all those things and still be Latino and still be you know,

10:38 Not the mainstream, you know like white little Midlothian, Texas and but I didn't know that.

10:48 I thought that in order to really have that Perfect Image I had into taniyah a lot of things about myself and at this point, you know, another thing became very real to which is it was separate from the sexual abuse is that I started to realize that I I was gay, you know, and that was a triple whammy because not only was I trying to deny that all these other things happened in my past that had to do with Mel Mel contact now, I was dealing with actual this orientation, you know, that wasn't what I was raised for, you know, especially in a conservative Hispanic family. I came from a family. It's a really hard-working, you know, my grandmother. I never saw her take

11:48 I drink of anything alcoholic and my life. She might have said damn like twice in my whole life only because I really pressed her. Yes. Yes, so, you know, so that'll give you a picture of how conservative my home was.

12:08 Indian really fit in all of these different things that make you you really kind of separated you from that that model that your family kind of represented and I have the model that my family represented in the model that I had constructed as far as what I thought Society represented and I didn't fit in either, you know, and so I think that like in my twenties I was really struggling to try to figure it all out. I would go to school for the safer business administration and then you know the depression or whatever would kick in and he would always get in the way, you know, and I never I never finished the semester successfully in might know I didn't you know, in fact even and I'm just going to backtrack just a little bit my senior year of high school. I was so withdrawn.

13:08 And you know just

13:13 Felt like I needed to go somewheres else to really find myself that I quit High School. I took my GED from nap from that moment on I kind of set the the pace for a starting things and not finishing them. You know that can't that became IMO, so

13:39 I didn't know that that that that was a trend I was going to set for myself, but that's exactly what happened at that point and I started to move like I was at the moment. I became 18 I moved out of my my grandmother's house. Probably a big mistakes that he had. No reason to do that and in Hispanic families.

14:04 You don't move out on the street that you're getting married, you know, especially for men you don't move away from your mother because and it's still true. She takes care of you in a very strong. So she was totally blown out of the water by that but I felt like I I needed to go to a safe place where I can just be myself but you are and be free to express that and I would have been great had that been what I what I did because you know, I think the expression goes wherever you go, there you are, you know, and yeah, so even though I went to these new places, I was still me.

14:47 You know and I was working on everything around me. I thought oh, well if I fix this right if I change that but I was never going inside of me to make those changes. What do you think prevented you from looking at renaly instead of focusing your efforts on other things what prevented you from looking at? You most definitely it was that wall of protection that Philip that I had created.

15:15 That prevented me from looking Inward and man that protection works. So well that I It protected even me from being able to scrutinize anything about myself.

15:32 You know and so I went along, you know blindly thinking and I totally believe this cuz I remember back thinking of myself man that person is wrong, you know, or this situation is not right or how can they treat me that way or you know what I'm saying and never it was never my fault ever. Yeah. Yeah. And so and that was it, you know.

16:01 And I'm not exactly sure that I was doing that on purpose cuz it's easier to do that. But now in retrospect you right, you know, I think that my in my own mind from all that hurt in my childhood. I had decided that I was going to protect myself at whatever cost and that everybody else then and now in this may be true the people that hurt me and my childhood most definitely were wrong, you know, you know, but then I. This belief that everybody along the way was going to be wrong, you know, and I think that's that's totally what prevented me from seeing the truth, which is man. I really need to work on myself and I need to do

16:46 Go back to the to the basics to the very foundation and then build back up again plot all the scary dark things and address them. So at what point did you decide to start that process? Well, that was something that was in a way forced on me. And I'm going to I'm going to tell you in this is something that's going to make me very very vulnerable that I'm okay with this because it's part of my story and it involves a lot of Brokenness, but you know when we get here to the end, I know that you're going to see the other end of it which is going to be amazing. It's actually a great a great story of Triumph. But when I was 27 years old and still seeking this is I had I had been a resident of Denver for two years at this point because once again, you know, I'd move from Puerto Rico

17:46 Puerto Rico from Georgia from New York City to Mississippi, Texas, you know I was yeah because I was trying to search that perfect place and the perfect people and signed it up in Denver in 2 years after being here. I was introduced to meth and at the moment I didn't know it was meth I hadn't I wasn't really like a drug user. I've been definitely spiraling down with the alcohol. Yes. Most definitely coping not all of that all of that ugliness inside.

18:29 In order to escape it because it was always present in my head. I may have shown otherwise by how people saw me and how I act in front of them, but the truth was always there lurking just hammering at my head. And so, you know, I got into the drinking I got into going out to clubs anything that would you know feel that that a roll of of helping me escape from myself and then eventually it came down to meth here in Denver and at that point, I'd been you know, you know in a very depressed state for 2 weeks. I mean I'm talking about like in bed for 5 days in a row without getting off at that point and I met this person and I was kind of telling my story, you know, and this was like a chat line or something.

19:22 I remember and it was really early in the morning and he's like I have the perfect thing for you.

19:30 You know, if you let me come over, you know, I'll show you what it is blah, blah blah blah. Well that really spurred my curiosity in it. It was also kind of like when I see this could be like a serial killer and I don't even know who I'm talking to her is like it's some chat line some dude that I just decided to use as my counselor and now he's got to get the screen cure for 8, so I went for it and he came over and I did that and I remember the first time that I did it I was instantly instantly addicted it was it felt like somebody just put batteries inside of me my I came back to life. I hadn't felt like that since I was very young, you know, I wanted to clean the bathroom forgot to text, you know, it was so weird. It was like and and so from that moment on I decided that I could not do without that.

20:30 You know and

20:34 Hannah I'm a pretty sure that you've heard many stories of people's addictions and and it's it's this like

20:43 It's just like

20:46 Evil, that's like this guy's in sheep's clothing. You know at first you think it's the cured it's your salvation. Nothing exactly. There's no downside. It's you know, and then

21:04 A couple of years later I find myself in a trap and I'm like and I and I and even that because of my nature to deny things already. Right? Like I don't look at myself at this point and I'm looking it every everything else to help me fix myself except for looking at myself. I wouldn't admit that. I had a problem. How often were you using everyday everyday, and I don't know if you know anything about math, but it keeps you up and keeps you awake. So I remember I would go sometimes 5-day stretches 9 day stretches.

21:47 Without sleeping. Wow, you know and aside from what that does to you physiologically. Imagine what it does to your brain cuz you're not sleeping how you need rest and Recovery, right? So, I think it really

22:05 This fantasy world became my reality at that time. You may think that for a moment all my all of my woes and my problems were fixed because I wasn't living in reality. I was constructing like my own in and nowadays. I I see the candy like constructing this virtual reality or you're creating a world. It was like this thing that meth was doing in my head and

22:37 And so when I when I

22:41 Was forced to face this issue was when I was at someone's house and it was for the purpose of getting the stuff was his house got raided.

22:57 You know and and so I got swooped up along with all of that, you know and hear in, Colorado.

23:06 Do you know once you're in the system you're you're in there, unless you unless you're going to do what they tell you to do and you're really going to work on yourself. And so you can prepare chole be in in and like the probation jail system for years and years and years and years if you don't get it together, and so when this happened I was 29 years old when this arrest thing happened and for the next year's haftr that I was just at in and out in and out and it wasn't that I was committing crimes. It was it I couldn't quit or that I would quit and and then relapse

23:52 And then give up on quitting and you are trying to quit based on your own own abilities. Throwing the first time the first time I thought you know, cuz they put me in jail for like 30 days and I got totally cleaned out and I hadn't been clean for like 2 years before that. You have been using two years in a row, but in all honesty before I got arrested the thought of quitting never crossed my mind.

24:19 You know it wasn't until and it was a godsend. By the way that I got arrested. I had to 30 days to look at my life that I realized that I was in a lot of trouble.

24:36 You know, I realize that the world that I was living in wasn't real.

24:43 It was killing me.

24:45 You know and not only did I have all of these issues that I came into before I use math.

24:57 Now I had an addiction a full-blown addiction to deal along with everything else, you know overwhelming that was there was and it was for I would say

25:15 The struggle after that continue for 10 more years.

25:19 A decade another yam a decade of struggles because

25:27 It is so Insidious and it gets ahold of every single and I want to say it. I mean math the addiction it gets ahold of every single part of of the person that got a hold of, you know, everything was so math came first and everything came out to that. I remember I didn't even contact I went for a three-year stretch without calling my mom. You know that one, you know, she tried to reach out to you. Oh, yeah, so I mean they were

26:06 My family is on Mississippi. And so, you know, they're it. They were very stable. They would obviously just move the new from Midlothian to Mississippi.

26:17 I was the one that did all the back and forth into Georgia and to Puerto Rico and all by myself. And so

26:24 They kind of came to accept that you know, but they're definitely thought it was super strange that I you know, there was such a long. Black out where they didn't hear from me at all, you know whatsoever. And so they eventually found out what was going on and

26:49 Definitely try to reach out to help me but

26:54 And I accepted that help only as far as it would help me to keep doing what I was doing, you know because that's how it goes when a person is is in addiction and I'm going to speak about myself here when I was

27:10 Fall into it. That was the most important thing to me and I was definitely definitely blinded by it to everything else and I couldn't see didn't want to see the hurt that I was causing other people because I thought you know what I'm here in Denver I'm away from them. I'm not hurting them. I'm only hurting myself, you know, and so I didn't feel like I owe them anything.

27:39 You know her that's what I wanted to believe anyway, so

27:50 But it was

27:54 It was it was definitely all just a big lie, you know that I was it was that whole part of the thing that I started from way as it is is a young person. I started to develop this other personality, you know that was there to protect me and it ended up just actually creating a lot more harm. And by the way now I text you embrace the name Philip because of

28:28 Have all the good things that we I hope we're about to talk about being now that I have happened in my life. Yes in your addiction Focus solely on getting your next fix at what point did that change for you?

28:47 So being in and out of rehabs and being in and out of being in trouble because I couldn't follow the guidelines of the probation which is to not use, you know, basically and I was using up all of my my chances, you know, I had the judge that knew me was fed up. He didn't want to send me to prison not over an addiction, you know, which I feel is like what we do in our society when we don't know what else to do with you exactly so and he's like

29:24 They they gave me these resources, you know, but at the time I feel like there was something missing, you know, and

29:39 When I finally

29:43 Decided to turn it over it had it happened after something very very major a very traumatic. I got to the point. You know when I was in my late 30s where I just became super depressed. I lost any hope or vision for my life and for my future.

30:07 I was just like this empty empty case that was walking around. I didn't feel alive at all. You know, and at that point, I remember it was like a Thanksgiving I decided to take my life, you know, and so in and without giving all the details to it I went through it and that it was a real deal this time because I didn't tell anybody about it, you know, and I it was real like I had this determination then I wanted to at the very least see God and ask him.

30:49 You know why this life what was this about? You know, and I knew that the only way I was going to see God as if I you know, well now I know but at that point I thought you got to die to see God so and and so I

31:10 I survived that but I believe that I did see God, you know, and I believe his message to me was very basic. I'm not going to let you die right now, and I love you.

31:28 You know, I love you everything that you think about that. You're attributing to me like this bad lifestyle and I'm letting you do this and this is all this harm is coming towards you it has nothing to do with me.

31:41 You know what? I think at that moment when I came out of that situation it was as if I was already a different person and that's when I decided I'm like, okay. I've already been given the tools in the past and I knew about the Denver Rescue Mission and I knew about recovery, you know in the sense that you know, people would tell me this is what recovery is about, you know, but I was ready. I was ready to step into it, you know, and so that's when I I left my apartment and I just went to the Denver Rescue Mission Lawrence Street, Denver and Denver Lawrence Street Mission, and you know, but at the same time I feel like God is there.

32:34 You know because I was just a open wound, you know and no longer. I think they would die at that point when I try to commit suicide was that other personality.

32:53 So now you can focus on being your authentic so and so and in the end, I I was very scared but I definitely felt the presence of the Lord and I felt I felt like now he was my protection.

33:08 You know didn't have to have that wall or facade anymore. No. No, I didn't surviving that suicide. I wholly trusted him. I truly believe that I did speak to him, you know, and and so I just kept going forward then was told about the farm the Harvest Farm in Wellington Colorado and I thought that's a perfect place. That's where I want to go, you know, and that's where I went and it was the most amazing blessing because I was able to just sit in all of my heart and in my and you know in the state where I had so much healing to do, you know, and it was that safe place in almost like the hands of the hands of God being put together or not being place right there, you know, and I just spent

34:06 28 months, you know, I think you are one of the records at the farm actually.

34:16 Amazing amazing things you work on yourself and you started to plan for your future. Tell me about that good. So I was given a vision of becoming a nurse very early on while I was at the farm and I just stopped and do that. You know, I know that a lot of that.

34:45 It took a lot of just faith.

34:51 When I hate when when I thought you know being a nurse is going to be really hard and and then going to school and in all of this other stuff exactly. But so I had some amazing people that were there to support me to be my cheerleaders for Saturday to say you can do this, you know, cuz we see you we know that you know, you're smart and you're this and I was hearing all these things, you know, and I feel like

35:24 Things that I didn't tell myself in my brain because of that. I still had that old voice is said to know you can't do this, you know, I still had doubt, you know, but I had to you.

35:37 Step into my fears make myself vulnerable and and you don't realize these dreams that I had for myself. I got my associate of Arts, you know in the 28 months that I was at the farm. I have continued since then to add some honors as well. Yeah, so is the student of the year? I was wrote The Rising Star for the campus and I also got the honor award for the science department. Give a speech at commencement. You know, that was a responsibility that came with getting that award. You know, what's in since then I have been accepted into nursing school. I have just completed my first semester of the nursing school there at Front Range, and I'm also doing roll to get my bachelor's.

36:37 Science in nursing with the University of Northern Colorado. So things are just happening. These things are happening to me to the to the unique and original person that God created not to this other person that I created, you know, so that's the most amazing part of it. And then at the end you'll be able to help so many people that that's really your purpose here. That's why would you try to take your life? It didn't work. That's right. I believe that to I believe that too. But I think that you are just going to be an amazing blessing to so many people you really already are honestly you sharing your story with with me and and others is so miraculous what people think of when they think of an addict it's cute. Everybody has a different story and to generalize people. It's not fair.

37:37 Are you being vulnerable opening yourself up and sharing your story? I'm very very grateful. Thank you. Thank you for that. And I hope many other people like yourself will open themselves up to this experience, you know, cuz we do have a lot to offer.

37:54 Thank you Hannah.