Paul Lauer and Kate Lauer

00:06 I'm Kate Lauer. I'm 31 and today is September 21st, 2018. We are in Charleston, West Virginia, and I'm your daughter.

00:20 Kate first thing I want to do is to thank you for doing this. You know that your mom and I have

00:30 Been longtime listeners to NPR and and members of Wasa back in Pittsburgh and I will say that every once in a while I speak a crossover to 90.9 West Virginia Public Radio in Morgantown so I can find out what's happening in Morgantown West Virginia. You're a you're adopted home. So why this is really quite an honor for me to be here with you an interview have the opportunity to hear stories about your mom. So

01:08 Oh, my name is Paul Lauer. I am 65 years old. So little bit older you came and we're here in Charleston West Virginia and what you and I have decided that we wanted to talk about was your mom my wife Janet Weiler who passed away?

01:32 On March 4th of this year as a result of a 20-year struggle with breast cancer. So the one thing though Kate Went when you had suggested that we do this, you know you your mom.

01:47 How far is longest said she had been diagnosed with breast cancer never wanted to be defined by that disease. And so she spent that 20 years.

02:02 Doing everything not to let that disease be what what to find her in for her family and in our community. So when you suggested that we do this what I suggested to you is that if we were going to do this we were going to start out at least like talking about some of the great memories. We have a mom and tell some of the stories that made mom who she was so I don't know if you want to begin. Do you want me to begin? It's up to you?

02:38 When you asked me this question to think of them as I was having a hard time coming up with really discreet story is it had like a beginning and a middle and an end an interesting little plot point and because that's the memories I have about it about mum are much more.

02:55 About like images and they are about stories. So one of those is

03:01 I remember.

03:03 Sneaking over to your bedroom in the middle of night almost every night at 3 in the morning and I would had this big brass bed and I will climb into the side of it and then the covers would usually be up high and so I would try to squeeze down in the bed between the two of you and just wiggle in there to sleep for the last couple hours in the morning. And one thing that was true about me then is to let me now is I am a wiggler and I remember you know, one thing. Mom is she's just so physically strong and just had these like, you know, she would work out so much and she was already just such a presence 6-foot like a 6-foot one strong woman, and I remember that night when I would wiggle she would roll over and like put one of her legs over top of me and just crushed me.

04:03 Christian stop wiggling and I can like the weight of that is like even though as much littler than I still like very visceral to me.

04:17 And another another Early Childhood Sensation that I remember is when she would pick us up from daycare when she pick us up from The Learning Tree when we were little.

04:29 You know mom used to wear these let those like enormous trench coats that had that kind like a silky sort of like polyester lining in them.

04:39 And and they went down to the floor and I remember when she would pick us up that all three of us would somehow supposed to fit ourselves underneath her coat and Chase each other underneath it and grab onto her legs and climb up her and

05:00 Ikea so that like this the silk of the in a smell of those trench coat that I can eat just like very Vivid

05:10 So I have a nice but I think all of us is to say I think when I think about mom a lot of what comes to mind for me or those like you have a similar image of her like her the way that Mom would sow and her feet but sort of like top-dressing back and forth and I just the way her like toes would kind of curl when she was sewing and

05:36 Yeah, it's like those things. I remember really discreetly see I'm like you I have these as you well know. I have all these bumps.

05:47 You're right. I have spent a lifetime telling stories about Mom and our family and when you guys for a little weed be sitting at the dinner table in mom would get wind that. I had told a story about the family at work and I can remember Mom used to always say boys daddy like telling stories about is at 8, and then she would follow that with I just wonder what people and I would always explain to her that my stories were all true or at least it's I remembered them. So, you know from that perspective. They were accurate this story that I tell most about mom is the story of the strawberry rhubarb pie you hurt you heard it a bunch of times, but when

06:40 Mom and I were dating my beloved in the city of Pittsburgh. I lived in the suburbs. So I was probably about 15 miles away from where she lived your mother not only didn't have a car. Your mother didn't have a driver's license. So when we wanted to get together, the only way we could was for me to drive into the City and and meet up with Mom and she decided that one weekend that she was going to be the person who came to visit me as opposed to the other way around and this was not inconsequential for your mother because you've to get to where I lived you would have to get on a bus you would have to walk to the bus station that you have to get on a bus traveling to the city of Pittsburgh find a trolley and take a trolley out to where where I lived.

07:30 And so she announced one Saturday. That's what you was going to do and what you didn't tell me was that she was going to make me this pie and as you know, your mom was a pie baker like no one else. She baked this giant pie carried it to the bus stop. On the bus ride the trolley out and I met of the trolley station and she's got this great big smile on her face and it's great big strawberry plants. And so we went back to my apartment and we didn't do anything in particular that time. I ate a whole lot of stress and we talked and we laughed and has the evening came. It was time for Mom to go home.

08:13 And she left the pie what was left of it and I took her back to the trolley stop and she made her way back the next morning. I got up and for breakfast I had strawberry rhubarb pie and at that moment. I knew that your mom was the girl for me and whenever I tell that story everybody thinks

08:36 That I married your mom because he was a great pie baker and she was but that wasn't the point of the story. The point was that with you. Just being near your mom.

08:51 Was such a thrill.

08:58 That the we didn't have to do anything special it was that enough was.

09:07 Cause for great joy, and you know that the thing about it is Kate that never changed.

09:14 For as long as I knew your mom.

09:17 The highlight of my day everyday was to come home tomorrow.

09:25 And you know what used to be you talked about maybe this as you get older hardly exciting, you know, your mom would be sitting out one side of the sofa facing the TV that I'd be sitting on the other side of the sofa. Facing the TV said your mom off and had a needlepoint project in her hand and a great big dog between us, but I was so happy. I was so happy and I miss that so much I miss not being in your mother's presence. So, you know, that's that's one of my stories of of mom that that I die. I greatly enjoyed telling your mom over the life of the time that we were married. We were Mary Costa 36 years. I'll bet you she made she baked hundreds of pies.

10:16 And every time I bite one of those pies thing that would pop into my head would be that strawberry rhubarb pie.

10:24 And it was a way I heard your mom say I love you. So.

10:29 So that's going to one of my precious stories about your mom, you know, the other thing that quite frankly and you know this as well as anybody that defined your mother was her love of are all of God's furry creatures and as a result of that we had many of them in the house and we had many of them outside to take care of you know your

11:00 I always look back that, you know your mom just like the fact that she was very much a person who talked her cats. Let's not a cat person when I met her. I'm the one who talked to your mom and I went down to

11:14 Do the Animal Rescue League and she wanted to get a kitten and we wed inside and I knew how your mom felt about it in a little bit. I didn't know how strongly she felt about the animals inside. We went to the wall whenever they were all these cages in there all these cats inside of these cages and while I'm looking at all the cats and I turned to your mom and said which one should we take in your mom could hardly speak she was in

11:48 I sent her the car. She never returned to get to the inside the BMO Rescue League and we we got our our first kitten and as you know, that was just the first of many and the your mom took great Delight in bringing feral cats into the house and proving once again that if you showed up feral cat a little bit of love it was a cat was no longer a feral cat. It was a member of the family and so, you know, the other thing that I eat I distinctly remember is her propensity for wanting to save every animal that was out there. I can't tell you how many times I stopped along the road.

12:32 To pick up a turtle to pick up a snake to the honk the horn. So a deer to get to the other side of the road in my my favorite story in that line was we were headed from home and your mom yells at me to stop because there's a mama cat and these kittens and they're on the road and they Mama Kats grabbing the kits and putting them up on the curb and they keep coming back off and she she she wanted to the rescue them until I jammed on the brakes. She opened the driver's door rushed out and headed towards the mama cat and as I got out the door and I looked what I noticed was that the cats had white stripes on their backs and at that point, I screamed and your mom stopped and I told her this was a situation where we weren't going to be able to help them and they were on their own and Mom and I were headed to the movies and the whole time we were in the movie so I can hear your

13:32 Because she was in tears and so we were driving home. I was just praying to God the path that the her cat the skunk was off the road in the NBA in the skunk's work were safe. And thank God they were

13:52 Well, I'll say a couple more of the the mom is sunset like stay in my memory very strongly my favorite of witches, which was like one of my favorite things to do with mom is to dance with her and she is funny cuz I'm like Mom was a very she's a musical person and was in choirs and could dance in a sort of like, you know, I can remember we were when I was a teenager we would take swing dance lessons together and she was great and like it was a very good dancer but her go to dance with her finger dance up and down and back and forth and

14:44 Part of why it stands out to me. It was like some of the most fun I had with Mom after I like that and

14:54 I remember it was a thing. We also did when mom was sick and just like just such a relief to just goof around a little bit. So I will forever remember my mom's finger dance.

15:13 And then

15:15 This isn't

15:18 Maybe also like a very sharp one story memory, but

15:25 One of the things that I

15:29 Miss and is a sadness that I have is that you know what I think of our nuclear family, I think of Grandma as a part of it was like the five of us and Grandma and just might be

15:46 Well, I just say what it is, which is that it says I'm the only woman in our family now and

15:54 I had these like to incredible.

15:58 Difficult feisty had strung women as role models and I remember when the addition got bill or like the renovation happen at the house.

16:17 Did she was just out there? I mean she did most half of the construction of the house and I did not know it was a perfect project to get mulch and she'd be carrying 120 lb of mulch on her shoulders back yard, and just the and not just like her physical strength could also she just so brilliant and

16:45 Greeted her work and

16:48 Just use just so powerful in many many ways and in a in a different but similar way grandma was the same and

16:59 I will continue to have them as Role Models, but I miss their

17:07 I think sometimes I have a bit of a different texture than the two of them and they're different from each other, but they

17:18 Both helped me to

17:21 Believe that I could do anything and so I think this is the thing that Brandon often remarks about in our relationship about leg, you know, we'll go to his workshop and he's repairing something any other week. I was like he was getting ready to sharpen a lawn mower blade and I was like why I want to learn how to sharpen a lawn mower blade. And so we put your way I can tell you this though Kate your your mom would disagree with your assessment. I think your mom would tell you that our family is actually growing a bit that when we all got married and he is now part of the family and so there's another lady in the family. I think that Mom although Aaron is not yet married to Sarah.

18:14 Long before mom died. She she was just set on on Sarah being a part of the family. And what the heck and we do you see your proposed to bring twice. I think so, I think you do. I think you do. I will tell you this. Okay, what you say though is something that I have reflected upon myself.

18:39 465 years of my life. My life has been greatly influenced by two incredibly strong women my mother and my wife and I you're right. They didn't necessarily share everything in common. But one thing they did Cher was that they were noticed you could you could not help but be under their influence in and for me in in both cases, yo, just like I think those kids you know who I'm a reflection of the family that I came out of it and a large part of what my family was growing up. My mother was The Hobbit that family and as a result of that, you know, it hadn't made a great impression the thing that

19:35 With Mom that I've always felt

19:40 Is that mom brought out the best of me? I'm I

19:45 I am far from perfect. But I am a much better version of myself for having dinner around your mother for all those years.

19:57 I think it's in some regards.

20:04 Old couple things one she held everyone do high standard and occasionally, I would go in there will be things happen and I would know the right thing to do and when I would hesitate your mother would remind me not what the right thing to do was but simply rather, you know, what the right thing to do is go do it and it's like, okay and I still hear the skate. I still hear this from your mother, so

20:35 You know why?

20:38 One of the things you talk about things that you miss one of the things that I miss.

20:44 Is doing things for Mom.

20:47 Mom, and I had a discussion at one point and I didn't know what the heck it was over and she stated that everyone owns the joy that you cannot bring joy to someone who is not prepared to receive it and that we all were responsible for our own Joy.

21:12 I buy that up to a point Kate never a bike completely into that and I one of the great Joys that I had was not lavish your mother with.

21:26 Fancy present to things like that, but finding those little things that meant something to her and bringing them home and giving to them to her. So like for instance your mother liked Zero candy bars. I defy I defy you to find a zero candy bar and whenever I did I would buy one and bring it home to her. She loved her first slushies, which is always thought. Was kind of strange given that she was she was very much. So a person devoted to Healthy Living, but she knew she had her her things that you liked it. And so, you know, I missed the opportunity to buy a bouquet of flowers and bring it home tomorrow.

22:14 In fact, you know take one of the things that I brought with me.

22:20 Okay.

22:30 I was hoping it would hold off with me. You'll know what this is.

22:36 Is this

22:41 This is a little porcelain angel.

22:46 And

22:48 But you're one of the things with your mom when she lost her mom and dad when she was really young. She did not by the time that she was 25. She had lost both of her parents. She has lost both of them within about three years of each other her mother every year for Christmas would buy her.

23:15 A little porcelain Angel. So the year that her mother passed away.

23:23 Embarrassing to you had mentioned that there was nobody there to buy your name and so for the next 40 years every year in July and

23:38 You know, I was thinking about this. I didn't even know why it me sit in the cupboard where I can see them everyday and I was thinking about it and saying, oh my gosh, I guess I don't need to buy a porcelain Angel this year and then I got to thinking about it and I saw right now your mom would be disappointed not to receive a porcelain Angel. So they'll be another one this Christmas but it's these little things that I miss being able to do for your mom. So

24:07 So I tell you what, I think we're here today Kate.

24:12 Do you think we're here because

24:14 You saw that storycorps was going to be in Charleston, West, Virginia.

24:20 I think we're here because of your mom.

24:28 You and I both know that that Mom was not a person who was much of a believer in organized religion, but your mom was a very spiritual person and

24:41 Part of that focus on the fact that she believed that we were all Stewart's of God's creations and that we had a responsibility to the planets to each other and to all the creatures that that that that have been created. She also believed that there was nothing in this world that was simply a coincidence that everything had meeting and there was a relationship when things occurred and then finally, you know, your mom truly believed that all living creatures had souls and that those Souls had the capacity

25:24 To live and influence. Well beyond the passing of a physical being and that if your heart was open and your mind was hoping that there was a way that people could communicate past when when they were they had passed and so I don't know whether I ever accepted that but I can tell you since your mother is past I have spent my time walking and get one of these your mom actually love where her Gardens.

25:57 And so every year play D. Those guards was a big deal. And every year taking care of. This Gardens was a big deal for your mother in one year in the wall. Grow petunia.

26:08 And a platoon you should never have been there. I don't know how it ever survived but your mother cared for that petunia as though it was a prized Rose. And so I had would stand there and watch her water the wall to make sure that the Batu you was taken care of. So so this spring I decided that I would planter Gardens and I would tender Gardens for the year and that's been a challenge and one day I'm walking out the sidewalk and in a place that do petunia could ever grow against the edge of the sidewalk and in the grass. There's just a little bit to DIA.

26:47 It's purple it only has it ever has a single Bloom on it at any one time. We have never planted purple petunias and it exists there all by itself for what reason? I don't know.

27:03 But I've assigned it a reason it's every time I walk by it.

27:08 I'm leaving either from work. I'm coming home from work. And I hear your mom say you don't have a good day. Cuz that's what she always said. What do I thought the door?

27:20 Where are you agree to be when I come home?

27:24 Or I hear how you going to tell me that I'm taking Lily go for a walk. Then. You're maybe you should take a long walk Lily and you can both use it and so, you know, I see that flower and I forget that well the other day I was going through things and it was a stack of papers that Mom have left in a closet that I hadn't been in forever. And what I looked at that stack of papers what I saw were there were things from they had obviously be from her desk long ago when she worked at at Westinghouse in Northrop Grumman. So one of the things that was there is this picture Kate and you can describe this picture cuz it's a great work of art.

28:09 It is my work of art. I don't know who's working parts at this who is

28:19 It says mommy on it and she's in the middle and Daddy's on the left and is again a couple shifts shorter and then their sister and obviously a work of art that looks like he came from a bike kindergarten. So your mom thought that was important that that was in her desk. Another thing that was in her desk was this

28:44 If it's a a patent your mom first started working at Westinghouse. He worked on a team that did work on on batteries and she was so proud when that technology was worthy of a thought worthy by Westinghouse. They have a patent and she held onto that patent for all these years you go years later and this is a picture of your mother standing in front of Northrop Grumman. She no longer, you know, she started there as a technician and by the time that picture is taken she's the operations manager for Northrop Grumman research facility in in Pittsburgh, and if you look at that picture, you can see how proud she is in the you know, because one thing about Mom work that had purpose is part of what the find her. So, you know, there were all of those things there and as I was sorting through them,

29:39 I came across this piece of paper and it's not nearly as joyful.

29:44 When I first thought I didn't know what it was. It was from Allegheny General breast center and what it turns out to be is the patient report for when your mother was diagnosed with breast cancer.

29:57 It when I saw it, I was so angry.

30:05 I was angry because I knew what it meant. And we have lived the history of what this meant. I was also just furious with your mother that she would have saved. Why would you hold on to something that was so painful when I tossed this thing in the garbage?

30:25 And as the day went on I thought that myself wait, maybe there's a reason it's there and I went back and retrieve the book are beside put her in her dresser. So the date that Mom was diagnosed with her breast cancer was September 22nd 1998.

30:43 Two weeks later you call me up and say Dad. We've got this great opportunity. We're going to be on to storycorps and we're going to be there on September 21st the last day that your mom was cancer-free or at least didn't know that she had cancer and so I thought, you know quite frankly that maybe was mom's reason for wanting us to be here and have had this discussion, you know.

31:13 People say that with wisdom with age comes wisdom. I've never believed that. I'm not sure. I'm any wiser than I was before. Not sure that I'm wise at all but I do think what age does it give you perspective.

31:29 And you know, one of the one of the things that I have learned is that all very many of those things that when I was growing up that I worried about that cause me to fear.

31:44 There are all silly in retrospect but having said that the one thing that I truly fear is this it's the effects that breast cancer has had on our family, you know, when you look at our family it has devastated our family.

32:10 You know how you were telling me on the way down today that today. Is he at Matilda's birthday l?

32:19 Aunt Matilda's not here with us to be able to celebrate her birthday ended together with uncle Danny today, but it Matilda's not here because she died from breast cancer and when you look at our family it is excruciating Lee painful.

32:36 You do if if you look from your perspective in my perspective.

32:41 We lost great grandma Brooks to breast cancer. We lost your grandma and my mother-in-law to breast cancer Gene at Brooks. We lost your your great Aunt Esther Brooks to breast cancer. We have lost my sister.

33:04 Cecilia the breast cancer and went and we have lost it with Hilda breast cancer.

33:12 It is truly truly devastating and in quite frankly Kate. My only fear that is out. There is for the health.

33:28 Love you and Missy and Sarah and Maria cuz I got to tell you I just do not have the capacity.

33:44 Did suffer anymore loss in other words is saying that God never gives you more challenges than what you can accept old. Let me tell you he is way over estimated my capacity IDI.

33:59 It is devastating and end and every time we get together there is

34:07 There is this whole in our family that can't be filled.

34:13 And I just I don't know what to do. I know what your mother told me.

34:22 Arrow the entire time your mother was ill.

34:27 With exception of one occasion. She never reflected on her own loss.

34:32 She only expressed her concern for us.

34:36 I think she was fairly convinced that.

34:41 I might lose my way without her.

34:51 I think she's right but there are at her other overriding concern was for you and she wanted to make sure that you paid attention that you took care of yourself.

35:05 And I think she wanted me to make sure that I made sure that happened so, you know Katie, I don't know. It's

35:17 I don't want to tell you but I'd I do know that just for the sake of all of us in yourself.

35:23 I would ask that you take care of.

35:26 And pay attention

35:31 I know that Daddy and I think the

35:34 Thing that

35:36 I like so I went to the gynecologist this year and they said you should get your first breast exam a decade before your closest relative was diagnosed and mom was 41 and I'm 31 and

35:54 In following mom's leave the day the in the months after her death. I was like, okay, I need to like get my stuff together and kind of like change my oil in the all the things. I've been putting off for months including or just regular doctor's visits and

36:11 It turned out that I just couldn't for that minute. Say yeah, that's what Imma do tomorrow is two months after my mom died as go to get a breast exam 4 months window and

36:27 I really I mean I know my mom has.

36:32 Instilled in me the plan and having a plan and being on top of it, and I'm really committed to that and I also

36:43 Part of the struggle for me is I also just don't want to live my whole life with a death sentence. Like I don't want to.

36:52 Which is not me saying I'm not going to go get test but it's just like I don't want to wake up every morning.

37:01 Repairing to die from cancer

37:10 When Mom and I got to a point where we were serious.

37:14 And it look like she could tell I was getting ready to propose.

37:21 I can't tell you how many times your mother told me.

37:26 You need to know I won't make it past my mid-50s.

37:31 That's the history of my family.

37:37 And I would just dismiss that because I still at this point gate don't believe that her history is necessarily your history, but when she

37:50 Turn 41 and was it was diagnosed it was as though the world came to an end and it was like, oh my gosh. She's right.

37:59 But because your mom was who she was and because of her approach to that disease. We had the Good Fortune of having mom till he was 61 and and I think it's largely due to the fact that that Mom paid attention that Mom worked that as though it was any other engineering project ever had and so

38:27 You know, I do believe what your mom told me. I do believe that that there is progress that need that your fate isn't her fate. But I also know that paying attention.

38:45 Makes a difference. It makes a difference. So

38:52 Besides what you don't want your dad making you do you?

39:05 I will finish up with a funny story. If you want Kate you talked about mom and her projects. You don't want things that I used to always hold my breath is I can go to Scout camp for a week. And your mom would take on a house project. I called him one time and

39:25 Mom said you know that paneling that was on the wall in the in the living room and Isis was on the wall and she says yeah, I took that all that the next day. I called her up and say so how's the project going as you know, they they fasten that on there with glue and that blue wouldn't come off. So we now have the wall. The studs in the wall. And by the time I came home there was drywall hanging where that was, but that was nothing at the comparison to the time on the sun porch where I called home and it was the middle of the week and she's as you know, those walls that were those two exterior walls that held up the porch roof and I got ya see while they're not there anymore. The porch roof is now being held up by two by fours. We've decided to completely reconstruct the Roku.

40:25 So when I came home, it was not a project that was ready to do and an end. She had her friend Sam and I said well, you know, this is good that you started it but you and Sam can also finish it and so they can came to deliver the windows for the project but these are great big windows and the guy from the supply house calls me up and says we have your windows or getting ready to deliver them. Someone how it was going to need to be there to unload them because there's only a driver and I swear my wife will be there. I think it goes the reason you don't seem to understand these windows are large and I said no no, no. No, you don't seem to understand my wife's far more capable of Clifty does window that I ever would be your your mom was absolutely amazing in those kind of regards. He was absolutely I tell everybody this and they think I say it only because you was my wife.

41:21 Your mother is the most amazing person. I ever met she had you know, she she could take out a construction project. She could do a cross-stitch. She could bake a pie. She could talk the regional leaders about public policy. She could do patents. She engaged everyone. I mean, I can remember meetings when she's going to go see a CEO and she stopped along the street to talk to the lady who is homeless who had the the cap that you liked intuitive engaged. Everyone affected was probably her.

42:00 Her most endearing quality at this ability to engage just about anyone in conversation and know more about the mother, the conversation was done than perhaps somebody who do them for years.

42:13 So she she is sorely missed. She is a unique individual.

42:23 Katie I like talking to you and thank you for setting this up.