PART 3 Gina, Shay, and Rahni: A conversation with a war veteran, a single mother, and her daughters and the effects of Social Injustice.

00:00 Okay, so we're back. Phase three. And during this phase, I wanted to talk about how life changed after the army, how we transitioned into where we were, our loss of finances, our period of homelessness, and our actual recovery of our finances. But before we start there, I want you guys to ask me any questions that you may have of me based on our last phase. Sharonda, you too, because your sister been doing all we talking, I'm gonna have to.

00:36 Talkative person. I'm sorry. I don't know. I feel like at that point in time, that's when we were getting all the information from you. It was all happening in real time, and we were there.

00:52 So it was like I was old.

00:53 Enough to, like and grasp what was going on. So, yeah, I think my question would be, why Georgia? That's a good question. Why didn't we just go home?

01:11 I think I was still running away from home.

01:13 Yeah, I was just about to say, but. Okay, so then, yeah, why Georgia?

01:18 Georgia went anywhere. Because, remember, I had just written a book, and coming. I had been telling. I had been told that Georgia was, like the black Mecca, and that's where I could get my book sold. And then the houses were inexpensive, and I would be able to get us a decent, big home. You know, it was just me that was buying into the house.

01:42 I remember, huh. That was your 40 acres of yield?

01:46 Yes, that's. That was my 40 acres in my white picket fence. That's what that was. It was like. Now, this is all not in vain, because if we went back to LA, I wouldn't have been able to get all the stuff that I got with the money that we had, you know? So we. That's what that was. That's the reason why I went to Georgia, which was a horrible, horrible, horrible mistake. But it was a nice break in between the military and going back home.

02:13 It was. I think we had fun in Georgia.

02:15 We did have fun in Georgia. Yeah, it was the weather. Yeah, it was the house. It was, yeah. Honestly, too far away from everything.

02:28 Honestly, that time, what happened during the time we needed to start leaving was what made that time stressful. But it wasn't really that. Like, it was fine when we got there. Like, I think, like, the middle of our time there was. When it started getting hectic. But, like, that first, like, year or so, it was fine.

02:55 It was fine. So, just to recap a little bit, after I went through all the things that I went through in Hawaii, I made a decision to get out. And during that time, that's when my body started falling apart. I was having problems with my stomach. I was.

03:14 And your back.

03:15 And my back.

03:16 And my knees started flaring up.

03:18 Yeah. Everything was just.

03:20 But it was just the beginning.

03:21 It was just the beginning. My PTSD. Remember, I kept finding myself in places where I didn't know. I would be in the closet with a spatula, and I would wake up not knowing why I was in the closet.

03:34 And sorry not to, like, inter. Like, that was also a time, like, kind of vaguely hit on it, but, like, in Hawaii, that's when your PTSD, I feel, was, like, the worst in terms. I mean, it flared up again, but that was. Yeah, it was like everything was just, like, so much for you all at once. But by the time we got to Georgia, you calmed down enough for you to just have the noise, not outrageous effects, which is why you.

04:07 It's because I went to go get some help.

04:09 Yeah.

04:10 And I think what the beauty of that was is right before we left Hawaii, I was blessed with these doctors that really took care of me. And, you know, it goes back to the whole racism things. These were white doctors, and these white doctors really took care of me. This one doctor was like, look, I don't know how you were making it in the military with all this stuff going on with you. He was like, are you planning on filing for your benefits? I said, yeah. He was like, okay, give me a second. He sat there with me for an hour and literally wrote everything out for me. All the terminology, everything, just to make sure I got everything that I was entitled to. And then I had another guy from the VA who was like, if you trust me, bring me your medical records, and I will fill out your paperwork to file your complaint. You were with me there and then when I had to go, because this is the oddest thing. Remember, I got married a second time to whatever his name is.

05:17 I'm mad tired.

05:19 Felt that, though. But when I went, one of the main reasons why I got a divorce is because one morning I woke up, and when I turned around and looked at him, he looked exactly like the man that raped me. And it bugged me out. So I was like, I need to go and see a doctor. And I didn't do this while I was with you guys. I did it during work time, so I went to tripler.

05:44 You came back with the papers. We knew you were.

05:46 Oh, oh, sorry.

05:49 We were the one that was, like, moving all that stuff. Like, we were the one that was, like, cleaning up. You sent us to the car to get the papers.

05:56 Yeah, I guess so. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know. But I went to see a psychiatrist, and I was screaming, and she was like, what is wrong? I was like, I just woke up to a stranger, and I was like, I don't understand. I don't understand. I was like, it's like the same person that raped me. And she was like, calm down. She was like, do you understand what PTSD is? And I was like, no. They just keep telling me I have PTSD. You know, they just kept telling me, and I just was.

06:22 I was just processing.

06:24 No.

06:24 You had no idea?

06:25 I had no clue. I didn't know that I was being triggered. I didn't know. All I know is I was responding to everything and everybody, and it was this.

06:35 Everything was piling up. We're in a frenzy. Constantly.

06:39 Yeah. So she basically broke down to me exactly what PTSD means. She was the one that gave me that book, why smart women make stupid choices. She told me to read that book, and she was like, and I've read that book, like, so many times, trying to understand me and my logic. But what she did was, she broke down to me is she explained to me alternate endings. She explained to me that subconsciously, I married a man that looked and behaved just like my aggressor. And the reason why I did it was because I was trying to create an alternate ending. I was trying to make something that happened, something that was so terribly wrong. I was trying to recreate the ending, but what I was missing was it was still the same characteristics and the same traits and the same behavioral patterns and all these different things. The only difference is, is he didn't rape me, you know? So that made things make sense. So it made it so much easier for me to just get out of that. That's why I got an annulment. Well, that's not why I got an annulment. Because of him not saying hi to you in the morning. And I looked at Sharonda, was like, it's time for him to go. She was like, yeah.

07:46 So that. I've also noticed that, like, when I. Because you didn't actually tell us those things, everything you did was a brash decision.

07:58 It was everything.

08:00 So, like, also, like, you would do this thing, would you would, like, protect us from, like, the dudes you were dating? So you wouldn't, like, tell us about them, or. We wouldn't, like. No, but with him, like, we met him, like, two weeks later. We met him as your fiance.

08:15 Yeah.

08:16 And that we didn't know who this man was.

08:18 Yes. I thought I was protecting you guys. That was the dumbest decision I ever made in my life. Yeah, it wasn't really dumb. I'm glad I made that decision because it was what helped me to understand what PTSD was and what I was going through, because I was battling with military sexual trauma, plus the PTSD from war, you know. So I had these two different types of PTSD going on, but still trying to raise two daughters, you know, to be upstanding women in the community, you know, so I had blurred lines. I couldn't tell whether I was coming or going half the time, but I was still functioning at work because I knew that I had to bring that check in to make sure we were going to be okay, you know? So that was that. I started getting really sick. I got my paperwork done. We got to Georgia. We had a little bit of savings, so we had money, you know, but then they hadn't done my decision. Remember, I was getting unemployment, and then the unemployment started to run out and I wasn't going to be able to keep up with the house note, and everything was going haywire. And I had my last $10,000, and I was like, I got to get you guys out of here and take you back to LA. Because in LA, I know LA, and if we were going to have to have any type of benefits or anything, I knew LA was going to be the place that would make sure we had the benefits, you know, I knew where to go and what to do because that's. That's my home, you know, and I understood how that work was to work. So I sent you guys to your granny, and then I got the house and stuff all packed up. I got everything put into storage. And remember, my money and stuff hadn't come in yet. And a week before my money came in, they sold my storage units. So when I tell you we lost everything. Everything. All of the you guys baby pictures, all of my military awards, everything that I owned, with the exception of our social securities and our birth certificates and what we could fit in those suitcases, we lost. And then with the whole situation with your granny and wanting to put the daycare in the duplex, we didn't have anywhere to go, so I had to literally make sure we were in that shelter. And so my question to you guys is, how did you feel during that time? What did you assume was going on? Did you guys think that I was incompetent and I couldn't take care of us? Or what were your thoughts? Because I remember specifically when we didn't get that first apartment and we were in that shelter for women and children. I remember you having a realization, like, we are really struggling right now. When we were in that, it was an actual hotel room, but it was.

11:08 No, I'm saying, like what?

11:09 Like when I wanted that apartment on dunsair, what was I doing? You, um. You just cried. And it was like, for the first time, I seen you react because sharronda had seen some of the struggle. But like, you, like we said, you were always in your own world. We never knew when you were aware of what was going on.

11:27 I have no memory of that.

11:29 No, you don't have. Thank God. I'm glad you don't.

11:32 Not as I remember living the hotel.

11:34 But I remember. I remember telling you, I'm sorry, so sorry you have to go through this. And you just broke down.

11:41 Vaguely. The thing with me is I'm not the type of person to, like, I'm constantly processing my emotions. But back then I wasn't. But I'd never reached a point to where I was. Like, I actually haven't really had that until, like, we, like, moved back to El Paso. But generally, I don't really, like, cry or express emotions unless someone brings that out of me. So it wasn't even that I was truly lame, like, wholly feeling all that. You just started talking about it and.

12:25 That'S why you cried in that moment. Okay.

12:28 But, yeah, I. I wasn't. I didn't ever think that that was like a permanent situation. I knew we were gonna be fine. I'm very much the type of person, like, I'm not even gonna process the struggle because it doesn't.

12:42 Because we've always been fine.

12:43 Yeah.

12:44 I've always made sure we had the best of everything.

12:46 Exactly. So it wasn't even my assumption that we. Cuz we weren't. We were living in a hotel room and that, like, we could have been on the streets.

12:53 That's true.

12:54 Right? We were eating every day.

12:56 Yeah.

12:57 Could have been starving.

12:58 Yeah.

12:59 We had access to food. Even if we didn't want the food that was at the place. We could go to the 99 cent store and get what we wanted. I was still eating snacks. I still had a cell phone and I was watching all my tea. Nothing. It was honestly the same to me as when we moved to Hawaii. We were staying at the hotel room.

13:16 Oh, so it was just like another.

13:18 Military move, just a transitioning phase.

13:21 Yeah. So, yeah, but this time we were broke. Like, I lost everything.

13:26 I remember you processing those emotions. But, like, I was in a space.

13:34 Sorry.

13:34 And I was, like, consistently in a space where it was, like, I secluded myself in a way because you didn't need my emotions on top of that.

13:47 Yeah.

13:48 So, like, I was just like, okay.

13:52 Got it. We're okay.

13:54 Yeah. I was like, whatever she's going through.

13:56 But that's one thing I always loved about you. You always trusted me to make sure we were okay. You never felt like, are we gonna make it? But what about you?

14:11 I think part of me was just.

14:15 Like, we hit right bottom.

14:18 This is gonna be over soon.

14:19 Oh.

14:20 Like, this is not forever, but, like, there were certain points where, like, this is in my head is, like, this is lower than we've ever really been in recent memory because there's always been that little bit of a safety net that came with the military.

14:40 Right.

14:41 So it was just like, I really just don't know what's gonna happen next. And I just tried to, like, distract myself as much as possible. Like, I read so much during that time just so that I didn't have to, like, think about what the reality was, because it was like, I know all this stuff, but there's nothing I can do about it. So I felt helpless.

15:03 Did you trust that I was gonna take care of us?

15:06 I trusted that it was going to work out one way or another.

15:12 So let me give you a breakdown and an understanding of what was actually going on. So when we went to Georgia and I finally went to go get some help because of my mental state of mind and all that other stuff, I was having disassociation issues where I would wake up, and I would be in the parking lot of Walmart and don't remember driving there. I don't remember any of that. I would wake up in the closet with a spatula in my hand and don't remember going to the closet, how I got there, why I had a spatula, and it was freaking me out. Because I'm a soldier. I went to war, and I don't know if you guys remember. I would come to you guys and be like, are you guys okay? Like, did I hurt you, or did I do anything? Do you guys remember that? It was because I had no clue of what I was doing. I didn't know if I was reverting back to the military. I had no clue of what I was doing in that span of time that I lost. I just lost. I lost it. And so when I started taking medication, first, I don't know if you guys remember the medication had me slurring and.

16:21 Real slow that what you were perceiving on the inside wasn't what was showing on the outside. Your brain finally stopped thinking about a million things at once. And you thought you were.

16:35 Yeah, I thought I was like. Like, you might literally.

16:42 A mile a minute.

16:43 I thought I was talking like you're talking.

16:47 Like you were talking now.

16:48 Am I?

16:49 Like, you were completely fine. You just. Because your brain wasn't processing everything a mile a minute.

16:55 You were like, oh, yeah. I had finally heard birds chirping, and I could hear everything, and everything just seemed too loud. It was like, oh, my God, why is he blowing grass so loud? And you guys were like, mom, that man always blows the grass and cuts. But everything just seemed so loud to me. So I had to go back to the doctor and tell them that, no, this is not right. So, anyways, during this time, I started to get my paperwork processed so that I could start getting my benefits because my finances were running out, my savings was running out, and not only were my savings running out, but my unemployment was getting cut because the military was going in. Not the military. The government shut down. And it was just a bad time. That was when that happened. So I was like, yeah. And I was like, down to my last $10,000, right? And I had to make some decisions. I had to make a decision on what we were gonna do because I couldn't work, especially not during the time my benefits were supposed to be coming, you know? So it was just like, it was a lot going on. It was a whole lot going on. And so they were taking me through this process of, you know, getting checked so that they can classify me or give me my percentages. And I kept telling the lady, you know, that my stomach has been bothering me for years. I was like, they keep giving me metamucil, but this metamucil is not working. So the doctor just kept asking me, when is your birthday again? And I would tell her, my birthday. And she was like, can you give me the last four of your social again? And I will give her the last four. And she was like, so you weren't getting your treatments? And I was like, what treatments? She was like, you mean to tell me you haven't been getting treatments? I was like, you guys have been giving me metal mucil. She was like, my God. And she was like, well, in 2007. This is 2013. Remember she said in 2007, you were diagnosed with cancer. I was like, well, nobody told me. So all this time, I was living in with this cancer in my body. Remember, I was getting bitters from Belize, and I. I was doing everything in my power because I could not get my stomach right now. When she told me about the cancer, I didn't tell you guys because I felt like that would be one more thing to stress you guys out, you know? So that's why I started working hard on getting you guys educated. I was like, if anything happens to me, you guys need to have your degrees. And I was pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing. You guys need to do this. This has to be done. This has to be done. Because I was literally preparing for my death. And that's the part that you guys didn't understand. I think you were out of town, but you were home with me when I came back from. And I got so sick, and I was throwing up blood, and, you know, it was just. It was just bad. That's when the cancer was at its worst, and I was kind of, like, secretly getting my treatments without telling you guys. That's why I started shaving my head off my hair.

19:59 You said it. You said it in front of me.

20:02 Did I?

20:03 You literally said it, like, you. And I think you even said it to me. I don't remember what happened, but I remember you got mad at something, and you said it, and, like, I didn't really process it, and because you didn't, like, full blown tell us. I was like, it's small. Because if it was big, she would have told us.

20:24 You didn't.

20:26 And then you guys didn't even tell me that that whole thing had happened when I came out here, so I didn't know that, either.

20:33 I was scared. I didn't want you to worry. I didn't want Sharonda to worry. So I told the doctors not to mention anything in front of her.

20:41 Now, here's the thing. I didn't even know that all that was going on because she told me she was going to the hospital because she felt like she needed antibiotics, because she had a bad.

20:54 I did a whole lot of line.

20:55 And then she refused to let me come because I couldn't drive. So that was how you got away with me not coming, because if I could drive, then I would have just drove you.

21:05 Yeah.

21:08 And my biggest problem with that is you were preparing for your death. You were doing all these things. But had you dropped dead, we would have.

21:19 We would have known.

21:21 It would have shattered everything.

21:24 And I think a lot of that is when my grandmother died, remember, they blamed me for her death. They made me responsible at 1230, and I didn't want you guys to be.

21:33 That would have even fed into it because we wouldn't have known.

21:36 Yeah. I'm sorry.

21:37 And then what does that look like to everybody else when you just drop dead and it's because of cancer? Yeah. And we had no idea you had cancer. No one's gonna believe that.

21:49 Yeah, I understand.

21:53 Like, you would have just dropped dead, like, in the middle of nowhere, and it would have been just, like, how it was for you.

22:00 I just felt like if I really, truly accepted that I had the cancer, it was gonna kill me. But I still wanted to make sure I did everything that I needed to do to get you guys where you needed to be so that just in case I did pass away.

22:13 Because we didn't know. But not us. But not us. So you were gonna die with closure, and we were gonna have to just live our lives what you did with no closure whatsoever.

22:29 I'm sorry. I never thought about it like that. I really didn't.

22:32 You did the same thing when you deployed, and you didn't tell us. Cause what if you would have died then? You told us you were at training.

22:41 So let me tell you. And I'm not saying it's right, but let me tell you what my thought process was. My thought process was I had not only the military life insurance, but I had pulled out a $2 million life insurance policy on myself. So my thought process was, if I do pass away, you guys will be taken care of for the rest of your life. That's my thought process. And I'm not saying that it's right.

23:06 But what did that have to do with not telling us what was going on?

23:09 Because the last time I had to go back to war, the way you guys lost it, I could not handle that. Again.

23:16 I couldn't handle it.

23:17 And that's selfish. I get it.

23:19 But we figured it out, like, halfway through, because, like, no, this is. This is. This is deployment. And then, for me, specifically, like, I don't think that people realize with the context of military children. Like, I grew up with the context specifically me, because, basically, the military was all I had ever known with you. I lived with the fact that you literally couldn't.

23:45 You.

23:46 You.

23:46 I'm sorry.

23:48 There was possibly gonna be a day where I would wake up and you would not be back. Like, from, like, three years old, four years old, and up. I'm sorry. So, like, I was already dealing with not having grandparents, not really knowing dad's side of the family, aside from when I needed to be with them, and then being in Hawaii and completely separated from them. And then the fact that at a point I was struggling to remember you and you would have been gone and I would have had nothing.

24:33 I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

24:40 And then I was dealing with her emotions, and I know she was processing that more than I was.

24:48 But I.

24:49 Was just, like, grasping on to, like, this vague memory of you still. And then by the time you were home, you had all that PTSD, which was fine. I never blamed you for that stuff, and I'm not, like, saying it, but it was bad, and I'm sorry, but that wasn't your fault.

25:10 But it was still bad.

25:12 It was.

25:14 I don't know how I got us this far.

25:16 Yeah.

25:18 Cause it was bad.

25:19 It was.

25:20 And then on top of all that, you're saying, my family was calling me stupid. They were like, you're dumb, you're unfit, mom. What woman leaves their kids to go to war? You know, they were saying all these things, but I had to take care of you guys.

25:36 Like I said, like, us having emotions about these aspects or lives is not us blaming you for anything.

25:45 But I'm to blame. I'm the one that made all these decisions.

25:48 Like, you're taking it as, like, oh, we think you're so horrible when. It's not that we just have emotions.

25:55 Yeah, I understand that.

25:57 Like, this stuff happened with us, and we have to process it, and it's nothing against you, but, like, it happened.

26:03 But as your mom, you know, the most horrific thing that a mother can go through is not being able to fix it, not being able to cover a multitude of emotions, and not being me in my situation, not being well enough to consider what you guys were lacking. Because I was holding on to a thread of my mentality, you know, still surprised that I'm where I am today, you know, and then the whole looking for and finding an apartment and the going to school, and we started getting a bit of normalcy. I remember, um, that one was.

26:52 Sorry to interrupt, but that's okay. I remember my first, like, la, like, Hawaii was the time where my brain was, like, formulating. But, yeah, you were raised the time that, like, I started, like, applying this information. Oh, I see situations. Not that I hadn't before, but those were situations in the past and not like, a current thing where my brain was like, oh, that's why this is happening. But I remember specifically, the lady that we went to to get our stuff was really racist.

27:26 Yes, she was.

27:27 She was extremely racist.

27:30 She was.

27:31 And I was, like, partially blocking it out because kind of, like, you. I was like, but why would she. And, like, my thing wasn't even. Why would she be racist? My thing was, why would you have a job where you're supposed to be helping?

27:47 She told me as a dark woman, as a black woman, I. My skin is only suited for me to work in the field. And do you remember that?

27:57 Yeah. She literally told.

27:59 And she works for the va. Yeah.

28:01 And my in my thing was, especially with you from a young age, I processed the. Specifically the stuff that black women go through in terms of medical stuff, because one, we already don't get the care we need to is women, because all of our stuff is, like, ancient.

28:24 Yeah.

28:24 And then we're black, so we have prejudice. People aren't diagnosing us properly or they're nothing. Noticing or actually processing our pain for what it is. So we already struggle getting diagnosed. We already have all that. You literally had cancer and they did not tell you.

28:41 Yeah.

28:42 Or not only did they not tell you, but the doctors you had gone through after that, before that lady couldn't figure out that you had cancer.

28:51 Yeah. They didn't even try.

28:53 Exactly.

28:53 They were just like, you're complaining you're blocked. Take some metamucil.

28:57 Exactly. And, like, the points where you did have some help were like, godsend. Because literally, thats almost miraculous. Literally. So rare. So, so, so rare. Like, so many black women died because of that stuff. So I understood it in that aspect. And the VA itself was already a triggering place to you.

29:21 Yeah.

29:22 But in my mind, I was like, she's home. In my mind, LA was black people because my family was black there.

29:29 Yeah.

29:30 And I hadn't actually been around any non black people at that point because when we were in Hawaii, since we were homeschooled, I was very, like, sheltered. Sheltered and secluded. So when I did, I just, like, had, like, brief interactions with people already because we were in the military. When I did have friends, it was like, a very brief thing. So once we got there, my brain wasn't like, la wasn't a place really where racism could. Not that it couldn't happen, but, like, I didn't understand it in terms of, like, you're supposed to be helping.

30:11 Yeah. She worked at the VA, and she basically told me she thought that soldiers needed to suffer a little bit. Do you remember that?

30:20 Yeah. And I was like, I remember, like.

30:22 I forgot you were with me.

30:27 I was, like, so disgusted with her.

30:29 Yeah. But I had been dealing with that literally throughout this whole tenure of time, trying to take care of you guys.

30:36 That was the time where, like, I could understand it, but that was the first time where it was happening and my brain had full context in that moment, and I was able to process that information.

30:49 And when I reported it, they got mad at me again. Again. So even going to get my. To my appointments so that I could get my. My percentages if I go to that appointment dressed like I look like something, they treated me like I was not disabled and I didn't deserve it. So I had to go in hoodies, I had to not comb my hair, I had to not put makeup on. I had to literally look as if I was homeless in order for them to provide my benefits. I had to code switch. I couldn't talk properly. I had to be like, I don't know where my medicine is. Like, I had to literally act as if I was retarded in order to get my benefits.

31:35 Yeah, I remember us also, like, going and doing errands and stuff after that. And that was even more of an introduction to racism because, again, I'd only ever been around black people in LA, so we. We were still. Well, even though we were figuring out our stuff, we were well off enough to be, like, going the routes and getting food and, like, functioning in society. And because you were dressed down, there would be these white people that was there at us. Yes. And it wasn't like I was blaming, like, we were all dressed up. We were even, like, me, like, the way I dressed was still looked down upon. And I could actually perceive that, well.

32:17 The reason why yours was because you are eclectic and you liked.

32:22 But even then I was wearing earrings.

32:24 And your lips and, you know, I.

32:26 Wasn'T wearing that then, though. I didn't have that enough.

32:29 So they weren't really looking at you, your clothes, you were just black, you know, and I know it was that, too.

32:35 But I'm saying, like, I came into the store, not only was I black, but I had, like, really ripped jeans and, like, sneakers on, like, just me in general as a black person was being looked down upon. And that was.

32:50 And you also look mixed, though, noonie, because what they were doing with you is they didn't understand how you looked like a spanish woman, but you had hair like a black person.

32:58 Well, that was. The white people didn't really clock that. It was mostly when I did interact with spanish people. That was some. It actually happened the most here in El Paso. It didn't really happen in LA because.

33:11 I think people, they were mixed people.

33:14 Not only were they used to mix people, but they could catch on to my demeanor enough to know whether or not I had grown up spanish.

33:21 Right.

33:22 But, like, when we got here, that's really when the. It's nothing but spanish people out here. So when I didn't fit into a box, and especially because I am black and, too, I dress like I'm not from here, like, my mentality is not of El Paso. It was like, a whole thing.

33:43 I know. I remember you asking. Telling me that they were asking you, what are you?

33:49 And, well, that was when I was.

33:54 At pebbles questioning your hair. Curly. And.

34:04 Yeah. And that was another thing, because I don't think. I don't remember what my hair was like in LA, but when I got here. When I got here was when I shaved my hair. I started, like, dying my hair and all that stuff, and already people staring at me because I had, like, bright, neon pink hair that was natural. Yeah. But, like, again, like, my style was different. I talked differently. I wasn't, like, immature, to be frank, when I went to school, so all that was already stacked against me. And then I was fine with having my hair the way it was.

34:41 Yeah, you were too confident, and then you had teachers messing with you, and I was ready to go to that school and fight the teacher.

34:48 You always got that one, like, really feeding into. To the patriarchy spanish woman. And I was just like, that's all your granny is.

34:59 I know.

34:59 That's why I was like, I clocked it, and I was like, okay, yes.

35:03 What about you, Sharonda? You are so quiet over there.

35:08 What about me what?

35:10 How do you feel about our transition?

35:13 I feel, like.

35:16 Out of the military and my illness and what I was going through with them trying to give me my benefits, and I think.

35:26 By the time we got into the apartment, I realized, like, everything was gonna be fine. So, like, everything. I feel like I didn't, like, I looked at it at face value at that point.

35:42 Mm hmm.

35:42 Because I was like, okay, this is gonna be fine. This is temporary. Like, don't let these things upset you, because regardless of whatever this person feels, she still got to do her job.

35:53 Mm hmm.

35:54 Mm hmm. So I was like, you guys were in the moment, and I was like, okay, this is happening, and that's messed up, but so regardless of how she feels about it, she's got to do her job. So I'm looking forward. Yeah.

36:10 She did everything in her power, and it was, like, for us not to go.

36:13 Ended up having to switch over. Didn't you?

36:15 Yeah. I reported her, and I knew, like.

36:19 At that point, I knew she wasn't like, at the last very long with you, like, I already knew that. I was like, okay, this is what the situation is. This is how she's gonna react to it. We're gonna end up getting somebody different, and that person is going to know that you will not hesitate to ring the alarm if he does something he shouldn't be doing. So he's going to do whatever it takes to get you processed and done it out of his hair.

36:47 Yeah.

36:48 Because he doesn't know what it's going to take or what he could do to possibly trigger you, because, again, he works for the VA. He deals with Veterans Day in, day out. And there's a spectrum of how these veterans react to very basic information.

37:06 Yeah.

37:06 Sometimes it's rational, sometimes it's irrational.

37:09 Sometimes they trigger the veterans.

37:12 I've literally seen them, and I went to the VA with her a lot more than you did, and I would see. So, like, they would literally sit and trigger these people. And what made it worse, it really, like, pissed me off when I was younger, is it would be like the old people who literally basically lived at the hospital, or they would be coming for the medication and stuff, and they're by themselves and they can't get kicked out. But you're like, they're trapped in, like, wheelchairs and all this stuff, and they're sitting there antagonizing. Don't cry, baby. It's horrible.

37:51 Yeah. And I was going through it as a young black woman, and to be intelligent, you know, to be dressed well, you know, and to have fought for this country, to have gone through the things that I've gone through, I couldn't understand why people were treating me, and I didn't expect to be praised. I didn't expect them to say thank you for your service or to even support it, because I know California don't really support, you know, wartime and all like that, but California is known for taking care of his residents, and it just seemed like it never stopped. From the moment I went into the military, it was just, like, nonstop conflict, you know? And a lot of it was for two reasons. One because I'm black, and one because I'm female, and that should never be justification to hinder someone's progression and hinder someone's growth. And I think about how strong I am, or is it me being weak? Because you, like you said prior, there's a lot of women that either went through it, they're gonna. They're going through it, or they're gonna go through it. And a lot of them just submit. So was I strong for fighting or was I weak for submitting? And I learned that a lot of these women have settled down into marriages and these men have taken care of them. We have the very same things. The only difference is, is I didn't settle for man to take care of me. I made people do what was right by me, no matter what. And I think I get to the point now where I'm really tired of fighting. I'm really tired of fighting. Do you guys have any questions for me before we go to the last phase of this? Oh, go ahead. Sorry. Finish.

39:53 I don't know. Like, I don't really have much to add. It was just, like, I saw it as just another transition. It was just a little more rocky, and it got a little worse than I ever anticipated, but, like, I just had to readjust.

40:15 I hate that it felt normal to you.

40:20 I mean, I was there for something.

40:22 Was it?

40:23 And even when Nuni was around for some things, she wasn't aware of it. But I knew.

40:28 Like, that's why I protected you guys as much as I could. I didn't tell you guys, but it.

40:34 Was like, even if you didn't tell me, I still. Yeah. And it goes back to, like, the same thing you weren't telling us, but either you wouldn't tell us, and it would be so. Something so big that it was, like, so much worse once we did find out. Or you wouldn't tell us, but you.

40:52 Tell us because you were talking to someone else.

40:55 Yeah. So we knew, and you weren't actually talking to us about it, so you would treat us like we didn't know, but we knew.

41:06 So I'm sorry about that. I wish I had the tool tools to really, you know, parent the way that I was supposed to, but I'm telling you, I gave you guys the very best of me.

41:21 Like I said, we don't, like, blame you for anything. We appreciate all you've done. Of course we love you, and we acknowledge how great it is that you've gotten through all of this stuff. We were there for so much of it, but it is what it is. It's still affected, is what it is. There's nothing that you can do about.

41:46 It but be our mom. Yeah.