Roxxi Davis and Joseph Shepard

00:05 Age. But that's how old I am. Today is Thursday. April 15th. 2021. I am with Joseph. I'm he is my mom step partner and co-worker. So that's who I am. I'm Joseph Shepard. I'm 27 years old. Today's date is Thursday, April 15th, 2021. My partner's name is Roxy and she is my one small step conversation, partner and Collie.

00:47 Okay. So life story. I was I have to be obedient to time cuz I'm I'm a social worker so I can talk. So the short version of me. Is that lissy raised by a single mother?

01:07 With four other siblings. I'm the baby of the family parents divorce. When me and I'm a twin for turn on where 1 minute apart and my parents divorced. When I split with me and my twin sister were three years, old went to go see my dad during visitation and

01:30 What else I am? I may be the baby, but they call me the baby, big sister in the family. Take care of all the business. First one who went to college or as one who got a degree in another degree. And then so far, so far that just kept growing. After that. I am, this is the first time actually being moved away from my family. I have 60 nieces and nephews and now they're having kids. And every time one is born. I'm still excited about it. Let's see. What else? I think that is me in a nutshell on marrying going on at the end of this month, which I never remember, our anniversary date for my husband loves that. So we've been married for 16 years and we have a lovely wrong wheel son.

02:21 Awesome. I'm going to have to be obedient to time to let cimr my life. Story. You, I grew up in a, on a group on a military base. My father was serving in the military, my parents divorced after roughly 16 years of being married, that ended up with my biological mother being coming, a single mother of myself and my two older siblings, my father was out of the picture for a few years during that time, and as a result of my parents, divorcing, and my biological mother becoming a single mother we became homeless. So much of my childhood was spent in and out of homeless shelters, even sleeping in vehicles getting washed up in and local restaurants.

03:21 Come in out of the results of that my biological mother gave up custody of myself. And my two older siblings to my father until we relocated from Oklahoma to Las Vegas, Nevada where my father was remarried and living his other life. So that was very difficult to adjust to you. And he was a pastor who grew up in the church always have been in the church, all 27 years of my life. And so that led to us being relocated, his involvement in the trip to California, where I spend most of my adolescent years. Growing up was the first person in my family, to go to college as well. I have a total of five other siblings. We are a blended family mixture of Step siblings in my two biological also have a little brother who's adopted and has autism.

04:21 I have seven nieces and nephews. So I am Uncle JoJo to the max. Yeah, I am the little one of them to third youngest, but as that goes, I'm also the oldest in many respects to 1st and family, go to college. So handle all the business, but also get the the phone calls when something going wrong to self.

05:04 Oh, I'm sorry Joseph Shepard. A many people born in poverty and hardship have a whole heart and overcoming it Joseph Shepard. Took a difficult childhood to change the trajectory of his life, born into a military family and raised in California. He recalled sleeping in the car living in several homeless shelters and struggling to maintain a stable lifestyle. Those experiences couple with other hardships helped shape his passion to work toward a more just and Equitable world for all people, especially especially under representative population.

05:47 I'm an African-American woman and a director, over a MSW program, married almost fifteen years and we have one male son, who is 10 years old. I have 5 siblings can. One of them is my twin sister, which I'm the baby and first-generation graduate. I was raised by a single mother, but had visitations with my father. I gave my life to the Lord at the age of 19 and any Vangelis, my husband and I have our own Ministry.

06:20 Awesome. So, hi Joseph. I'm excited to really get to know you. So you were saying that your dad was a pastor and, you know, talks about how you were homeless that whole experience. What, what are what were your takeaway overall with experiencing being with your biological mom and then homeless and then going to live with your dad at like what were your takeaways for that? What were your emotions? That's a really good question. I still think to be completely honest and vulnerable in this place that I'm still struggling to deal with a lot of the traumatic experiences that, that, that that caused. I did not know. The one I was, I think I was roughly 10 when I'm, when we were, when my dad won, custody of us. And it wasn't until I was

07:20 26. When I saw my biological mother again face-to-face in person. So roughly 16 years went by, and unfortunately, as a result, you know, if not being in contact with my biological mother, she became homeless and has many people who have to push their way through that, they deal with mental illness. So I travel back to Oklahoma to find my biological mother with the intent to bring her back with me to Wichita Kansas. She didn't recognize me, and she knew that I was her son. And so there was a very still, a big void in my heart because I will never be able to have that relationship with my biological mother in many respects.

08:11 Not even know how to take care of her and my father for that. And I struggle because my father is a pastor and

08:22 I think it's hot me the importance of resilience and perseverance but also really created this fire inside of me to, to always always always protect our vulnerable population than to never forget where I come from.

08:42 That's good, you know, Aya. So, although we had like visitations with my father. Like I don't, I can remember when they first divorce or whatever. I got me, and my twin sister, and my mom, my dad will call and say, Hey, you know, we're going to come visit you. I'm going to come visit. Me, and my twin sister are out of this big window and we will wait and wait and he wouldn't come my mom got to a point. Like she's kept telling us when he was coming because we wouldn't even go outside to play.

09:24 And then what's interesting, like, I've been trying to recall and my memory, but I think we had to be like seven or eight Joseph and I remember that was the first time being in the backseat of my father's car crying, you know, he was taking us with where he lived at, which is like an hour and a half away. I remember, I was saying to myself, I don't know him. He's a stranger, right? Cuz I'm like, we don't know who you are. Like, I know you're my dad cuz that's what we were told but I don't know who you are.

10:00 And so we started doing our visitations with him, but I just that was a very deep that was deep for me. And then and then, you know, I'm knowing my mom, her narrative about their divorce, right? They were married for like, like your parents, like, 15 years, and as they say, what? Papa was a rolling stone, wherever he lives at wasn't as, though, my mom really try to am. I, my dad's mom, which is my grandmother. She is, she was a pastor. I think what's 16 Ministries? Came out of here, out of Herman Street, Apostolic Pentecostal. So you already know I'm in so, you know, them, divorcing was very was very hard. But anyway, my dad remarried. I remember, this is the second thing. I remember, being with him is went to visit him.

11:00 Hesitation and then next thing I know we go to Chuck-E-Cheese Chuck-E-Cheese. The next thing we found out is they got married, we did get an invitation. We weren't invited, none of that at all. So me and my father at the beginning really just had this really rocky relationship. I can tell you, I did not love my father. I tolerated my father.

11:35 So we had a, we had a, we had a talk. I was married. My son was walking around and I was like, look, I just laid it out there. This is how a boo-boo boo-boo boo-boo and he apologized. And he was like, I did make mistakes and, you know, all that, and after I did that and after after he kind of just talked about himself and apologize and admit that I wasn't a good father and how he let me down and that's why I have to have trust issues and men and you know, after that. Me and my father like this, sometimes I'm like, dang, you call me every 3 years ago from cancer and now I am over all his finances and everything like that, but I told him you would have asked if I love my father a couple years ago, I wouldn't be able to tell you, yes, but today I can do that.

12:35 Yeah, that's that's powerful. I, you know, I just I personally

12:41 I will say I'm in a space. I'm in a space where so much happened with my parents. That I witness, my biological mom and my dad, that I witness where I was able to. It wasn't a matter of understanding, you know, having out to you to hear his side. Like he was wrong and I and I remember being young enough to recognize in, you know,

13:09 I don't know if I want that relationship with my father. Like, you know, I I think so much damage has been done in particularly.

13:21 Not the not taking ownership for the damage that has been done but playing the victim. When really, I mean, the ones who lost are the three history biological children and continue to lose to this day in my mind, but it's unfortunate in my from my perspective that, you know, you can never make progress when you're not willing to take ownership for the wrong that you done. And that's who my father has always been. And it's not because he's not capable. I might just think it's hard for him to recognize the damage that his car. He has done some great things. He is at, he is now standing outside joke with people all the time that I will never have another pasture. Like my father. My father is my favorite past and will forever be. It just hasn't been the best father and an and I would have trade-in having a good pasture for a good father any day and it doesn't help that I grew up.

14:21 You know, I'm knowing who I was in terms of my sexual orientation, being bisexual and growing up in the church and feeling the pressure to hide, who I was to save my father from embarrassment or, you know, any of the humiliation that I knew would come if they ever found out that I was bisexual and that I found in attractive. And so that was a very big struggle for me. And I've always wanted my father to defend me but you know, even at the age of 28 he has never in my opinion. Defended me and in tough situations. The way I feel a father should

15:06 There's some truth to that though. I can you know, when I become a father like I know for a fact like I'm going to be my child's Rock and shield because I never want my child to feel the way that I feel. So there's some pros to that.

15:30 Roxxi.

15:39 All my audio. We're okay.

15:42 I'm going to turn my video.

15:46 Is that better?

15:50 Yes.

15:53 Your mention how your father was a pastor. Do you mind? Ask me what religion?

16:03 Yeah, so we are Christian, but we are particular African Methodist Episcopal. So am e and, you know, for me, you said something that your father never owned that he was wrong. My father went Years Years, not only what he did until I called him to the car. Like there was one point, should you not Joseph? We were in church and this lady shows up and she in church magic. She claims to be my father's child and my older sister sitting in the in the church. We looking like what you talkin bout Willis.

16:53 And so I remember calling my father on the phone screen. I'm like because she was the same age as my between my second sister. And my brother before me and my twin sister were born. So I was like ice cream. I was like telling the truth. You like? No, that's not my daughter. That's not. If you don't tell me, you never talk to you again. Like I just had snapped. My father also has a habitual line problem, which I know and I was like, so I got my, my aunt, which is the sister and I said, Auntie tell me the truth. She's like, well, you know, baby people make mistakes, blah blah blah.

17:47 And so, you know, of course, he and then we have to talk. You know, my phone is, then he wanted to admit it. You know, I like it. It's like, just tell the truth and I know I love my dad. Don't get me wrong. I have much mad love for my father. And I remember I was flying to New York with my grandmother and I was helping her in the restroom. And I said, you know, I said, Grandma, does my dad love me. She was like, maybe your father loves you. She just has a strange way of showing it and I took that like, okay. Alright, so he's just, he just doesn't know how to show it and if he's got an older now that my stepmom has time to his Narrative of how he was a good mother is not lining up with what I experienced. So I can totally relate to you on that.

18:47 Today, Bill Cosby father. I'm sorry, you know, because I watch the TV shows and I was like once my grandmother said that and I really started to and to break those pieces. I had to let go of that image that my dad will never be like Bill Cosby, right? Then once I started doing that and looking at how he does love me and shows it. It is. You would think like really but it is it just makes sense because I had this figure in my mind how I who I wanted him to be, and he didn't he. I learned that you can't give somebody but you don't have farmed that

19:37 He couldn't give me what he didn't have because his father didn't show him and so it there, you know, it goes back to that generation. And so I'm just like, of course, it took me 47 years for this to come together. This was a lot. I had to do the work and there was

19:56 It was just it was it just been a journey of okay, and then you know, these all emotions rise up again. So I had to do the work and I had to process that and then I'm not saying at 43. I'm like, I'm cool with my father. Yeah.

20:13 Yeah, I I that's so crazy. Because that we have that in common. My father also had I hate to say illegitimate child at first, Tatian, but you know, my father was married to my balls, go mother for 16 years. And then when I was

20:35 Dodge with a senior in high school or Junior and high school. This woman messages me on Facebook and it's like you have a little brother. I'm like, yeah. I know you live with me. I got a little brother just like now. Like this is your little brother in for the longest time. I thought I did not even to this day. Won't like we don't know. Like did your boy ever get a DNA test? Did you not get a DNA test with week? We don't know. But what I do know is that this young man looks like my father just spitting out like it just is so identical. My father more so than even. I look like my father and people tell me all the time that I look like my father and as I get older, I see myself looking like all there but you know that alone it's like. So you did all that you did to my biological mother but you but that was

21:35 Like you had to go and step out on the marriage and and then have a child, you know, and it was so crazy because the one that I remembered her, I remembered her from

21:50 When I was younger and she would, she was that woman that would come knock on our door and try to yell at my mom and you know, she was back to see her back. When I was 17 years old is like I know exactly who you are. But ironically she's the reason why I was able to reconnect with my biological mom because she told me that my biological mom was with homeless and she didn't know if I knew but wanted to let me know. So I could go back and you know, see if there was a way I can help her. My father didn't want me in the right direction, but come to find out, he knew all along. She was somewhat understand but I think that's part of my frustration is how can you know that this is the condition of your biological children mother and do nothing about it. How can you love me and not love the woman who carried your

22:50 3 seeds in gave them life. You know, I remember my biological mother having a miscarriage. I remember those things. And so all the things that she experienced.

23:04 And you, you just it just wasn't enough. You just had to go a step further. So, you know, it's just ironic I for so long. I thought my story is, everybody story is unique bars. Like, you know, I'm sure my locate out of world, ain't nobody really able to relate to that? You got coming out in the church, and I'm bisexual, but I love God. And I'm a preacher, the pulpit, and and but she also got, you know, that the child thing in the broken marriage and not knowing your balance, mental health, and not even factors and, you know, dealing with human trafficking because my sister didn't love herself at one point in time, older brother being in and out of jail as a result of what he was exposed to as a child in.

23:53 But it's so refreshing to know that somebody else does have a similar story and that person is not as far away from me, as I thought they would be, if that that's important. So important you said that and then to come to find out, then we hear the, this lady's sister might be my father's child as well. So, you know, and I remember being young Josephine. I remember being young and my dad had all of his kids in the room, and he tried to tell us then, but we were like, no, we don't want to be later. We don't have no relationship, you know, because it happened just us and my older sister. She's actually our half-sister, but we weren't raised like that. That's just my sister, cuz my mom practically raised her. So, she was born before me and my, for my parents got married, but it was like, no, we don't, we don't need. No, I hate to say, like, what we would like, we don't need no additional off.

24:53 Folks in this family like we're good. We don't we don't need no more of the people bringing in any other stuff cuz we like it that we had our own stuff. We don't need no extra people. Right first but is like, unfortunately she got the backlash of how we were feeling, you know, and it was like it was just it just and I it just wasn't what it was. We weren't ready, then we weren't ready when she showed up and it's sad. But my, when we have to tell my father. My half-sister, she embraced her actually. She ended up living with her because she became,, but we will tell my my sister. We will say, hey, I'm coming over. Please. Make sure she's not there.

25:41 Because she was a representation of my father's, unfaithfulness. She was a representation of why their marriage didn't work. She was a reputation, you know, she is representing all the junk and it really wasn't her fault,. She she had a relationship with my brother but me and my my sister's the three of us. We were like, no, absolutely not, absolutely not. So, you know, it's just my it's almost like I said like this.

26:14 That's your son. That's not ours, you know, so it was just unfortunate but that's just something that I did not have the bandwidth. You know, I didn't I might I told my dad, you can have all the relationship want. I told my sister, you can do whatever you want. But I choose not to deal with my siblings of who I have and Mikey were talking about your sister and your brother, you know, due to. I mean, my older siblings have such a different experience because they got to witness all the fighting between my mom and my dad catching them cheating. My mom.

26:56 You know, putting a knife in her pants to do cut up. Somebody like, you know, they, you know, seeing the women and being made fun of fat because, you know, some kid to tell him, I told my brother house and your, your, your dad was with my mom last night, you know, which was really affecting my brother. He's a, he's an alcoholic. He has six kids by three different women and what's so sad, he, because I like how you said you're going to do everything in your power. But my brother, we can't just like my father. And so it's sad to see because he's like, stuck. So I can watch it lie, like on my father, blah, blah blah, but he doesn't see the damage he's done. And he's done the same exact thing. Now, I get to see his three sons be these amazing father's just standing and so yeah, it is good to know that we try.

27:56 I have that same story and I'm just enjoying our conversation. It really is hard to and it's just so ironic that that's that's the connection right? Connecting through our fathers, but it is because I really have been struggling with with my father. As of late, something happened, maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago with my brother and I just finally said, you know, I just I have enough. I'm 27 years old and they don't call Daddy when they have an issue. They called me because he's not here in Wichita, Kansas. Have you gone? He kind of just drop them off and let them be in but, you know, deep down. I feel like they knew I would be responsible for my siblings, then and so it just took me back to this dark place of being in school at with Wichita State and Iowa student body president. And you know quote-unquote living the dream depending on who you ask.

28:56 I remember getting the phone call that I said, kind of changed my life where my sister was like I'm going to jail and I was like for what and she said she could talk about it. She just needed me to go immediately to the courthouse to sign over affidavit papers to take custody of my nephew. And at 21 years old. I became a full-time father and my parents never once. Tried to send for my nephew never tried to get hit, like nothing. They they, they can send me money, anything of that nature. And so, I just feel like that taught me, like, you all are okay with me being responsible for them, and their future, and their mistakes and being their father. And that has always been my walk in my life.

29:46 Since I could remember. And I also I fear that often times. I make my two older siblings feel guilty for that and I never do. But I'm pissed off and mad at my parents and my stepmom to because sometimes I feel like she

30:07 Allowed it and supports it, and defends him when the wrong is evident. And so, I find myself being very, very, very upset at my at my dad for the bills. Means the burden that I feel like he's put on me and it's okay with

30:30 Why you were talking, a lot of things running through my head, right? So I was just going to say the disappointment in the let down but not to bring religion into it, but they here is your past or you know, the word of God word of God, you know what you should do and you've done everything opposite. So this is this is, you know, and the thing is and you know, you've been kind of locked in, right? So when are you mad? I'm sorry. My social skills are no matter, no matter that. You're you know, you're mad and you're angry, but you feel robbed is what I'm hearing. You still Rob them actually being able to live your best life right there. Like it was like, you know, he do Joseph, we out. Good luck, figure it out. Right? And so siblings are like,

31:30 We know who's going to win. And this is a thing cuz this this is the same thing in my family. We know who's going to love us and love on you and looked beyond everything. And that's our big brother Bubba blah, but that's such a heavy weight to carry. That's just a head up. You know, I am

31:50 Like you, I don't know like you, but something traumatic happened when I was younger. And I remember being angry with my father. And I was like, why did he do nothing? Why didn't he protect us? Blah, blah, blah blah, blah, and I've always, I just have to talk. I kid you not a couple of weeks with my sister, but I remember having this conversation, but probably a year ago. I was like, you know, I was just dealing with something the trauma and I remember telling my dad about it. My dad was like, huh? What? And I was like, what are you asked acting? So surprised. He's like, what happens. Like I did no. And, you know, I just want to know my dad. I know he be lying sometimes or whatever. So, I called my mom I said

32:52 You know, when the trauma happened, I remember her being on the phone. She was yelling. She was cursing, and I called my mom and I suggest you not, tell Dad what happened with the Trump. You know, what we experience and do, you know, she said, no.

33:10 My face fell on the floor. Joseph, I kid, you not or 40 or 42 years. I was angry at my father, because he didn't do nothing to protect. You can't do it and hear it. If he didn't do anything, because he didn't know here it is. I thought all this time, I'm told him. And after that, my dad was like, I'm going to drive up there. After I go get a new, no shotgun blah, blah blah, that made me feel like he didn't care. He just and the problem that I have found out with myself. I've had my mom on this High pedestal.

33:53 Raised Queen. She says, I gave her all these accolades for his work. You know what that the post office, she started out of the mail, carrier, mail handler, then she woke up, worked up to be the first black supervisor in the history in the post office. And and so it was like, oh, you know, she sacrifices sacrifice that. I told my sister that it's time for me to take my mom off of pedestal. It's time to take a bath, and I did not realize that Joseph, because I gave her so much. I just had her all, you know, because she's my mom. She took care of four kids all by herself. Jacob, Lee five, and one wasn't even hers biologically and, you know, she was there for prom graduation breakup, heartache, sickness, and my dad was nowhere to be found. So I discredited that.

34:53 I've got to take my mom off the pedestal because she wasn't a perfect mom. You know, I like this thing. I keep and I just crashed the glass A couple. Yeah. I know that's powerful. That's something that, you know, how I how I had my biological. Mom, even though she was only a picture. But ten years where I can remember. I think the difference for me was I saw her trying, you may not have been able to keep a roof over our head, but she tried, she, she worked three jobs. She would get up early in the morning. When my, when my parents divorced, and my mom was a stay-at-home wife while my dad and learn all over again, you know, how to how to make a living in. So, it was extremely extremely difficult for me, watching my mother struggle and go through all that she went through.

35:53 And, you know, I just feel that sometimes I'm parents enable children.

36:02 To be dependent on them, and my father growing up.

36:09 I saw him in and someone to your comment that you wanted to Bill Cosby that I wanted a Bill Cosby Dad too. And I think my dad was that for my brother. He was that for my sister, but when it came to me, there was just something where was just kind of lying. And when I was actually 13 years old or maybe 9:13, I was younger than that cuz he still living in. Oklahoma. I got an email. This is when dial up in AOL was really popular. And my father have went to go, visit my grandmother, who had been diagnosed with cancer, but I got an email from my father's email address. Telling me that he was not my father. And so for the longest time, I was like, well, maybe that's why he treats me differently, or maybe that's why he doesn't care. I mean, he would go to my brother's football games and do these things but

37:08 I quit football because my dad didn't show up. I would an All-Star quarter running back in high school.

37:18 Play my coaches told me, excuse me, that was good enough to go to college on a scholarship and I quit because my father wouldn't show up to the games.

37:27 So, you know, it was a tape just like

37:32 Really? Let's see. What else do I have to do to get your attention? My father couldn't even, probably tell you what I'm getting my doctorate in right now.

37:41 If he shows no sign of being invested, I mean recently, I ran for a city council appointment here in Wichita and my father didn't reach out at all. But instead decided to send me a text message to ask. If I could help craft him a letter of support, for another young man who is running for State Legislature in another city that he was no longer even in but I pastored in

38:11 Anyway, just like really do like thanks. So again, it's like

38:17 But he sees no problem. Like he does not see how traumatic that is for me. I've already lost my biological mother and now I don't even feel like I have my father and on top of all of that. I now have to look after the only two Bloodlines that I have left to my biological mother to ensure that we preserve that Legacy. It's like

38:41 But he still, the victim is still the victim. No matter how you paint it. Look at it, write it down, and put it out there. You can put it in a sermon for him. That way he can receive. It may be a little bit better. He's going to find a way to still be the victim.

39:00 You say that?

39:06 There's an echo again. Sorry guys. Let me see if I can turn down my volume a little bit. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe I'm too close to my microphone. Okay, Kevin said it's funny. It's so funny that you say that because

39:25 Wow, so I didn't realize we have so much in common my dad, she will call my other sibling. They would my father had ever hear my I would not hear from him. He wouldn't call me. You would call them blah blah blah. Hey how y'all doing with not hear from him? I only heard from my dad, if I call and every time I die, you know, as we got older and you know, we all moved out and we got older, he will come down to visit. My dad went to visit my house. He would do something to trigger me and make me feel like crap.

40:07 I am. So when we did have that talk, I told him how you made me feel like he's like, you know, why? He's like, because I knew you were strong. You're the strong one and ask her but I still need you. I still need you. Now. He's overly calls and I don't answer half the time, but, you know, it just he didn't realize the damage that he was doing, but, you know, I, you know, I said, I just had to let him know how that made me feel as though he corrected it. But it took monster is, it has taken a long journey for me, and my father. So, I do have a question for you mentioned that your sexual orientation that you're bisexual.

40:56 How did your dad take that? Like, when you like, how did he like? Cuz you know how you were saying like, you know, he does not acknowledge anything. So, how did you, how did you come out and how was your father's day? I mean, did he say anything? So I did at the moment where my, I felt like my father, one of them, the memories few memories that I have. My father actually being there for me. In a positive way. I was actually see my president at Wichita State and I was a graduate student so I came out fairly later on in my life. And and of course the implications of being black male of play into that big time. And I recall the reason why I came out was because I was I was going to be out it. So I was like, if you don't

41:56 I like cheese and protect other people. So I came out, I want to say because somebody who I was engaged with and broke it off with was very angry and went to social media and put it out there. And so I wanted my father to hear from me before hearing it from other people. Amber. My father was not living in Kansas anymore. At that time. He had already relocated to St. Louis.

42:40 And so I called my father and I just said, you know, I need to tell you something, and, you know, he said what and I said I'm, I identify as bisexual and of course, it didn't come out that quickly or as smoothly because I was, they came out and I heard like a very long about 45 seconds to 1 minute, pause on the other end of the phone and my father's response was, what are you happy? And I said, yes, I'm very happy. I love who I am. And he said, well, then that's all that matters to me.

43:16 And he said, I I love you, just the same and that's all that matters to me. You know, don't worry about being afraid of, you know, what people will say or do or what I will say or do if you're happy, then that's all that matters. Now, interesting, Lee enough while that was a very profound moment in our relationship fast forward to today. When where I've been with my partner for 4 years, and in talking about marriage, my father.

43:51 You know, doesn't engage with with my partner or me, but I want to have a step sister who is a lesbian and married now to her wife and my father is like, I'm telling you the world's best father to her. I mean, he hires my sister's wife to do work for the Church website, work and graphic work. He promotes her business. He talks to her jokes with her. I mean, my partner has only been at my, my parents in person one time. That's it. And so that experience. You know, what, I miss Lee came out was great. I can't tell you how I feel supported in my, in my sexual orientation, or in my relationship right now. By my parents, which is that I do when my partner for 4 years.

44:51 Joke with people like 4 years and like gay world is like 18 years or so. People like people see us all the time. They're like marriage. So yeah. No that's good that schedule. So, you know, I know we almost out of time so, you know real quick, you know, I was raised very, like I said, I'm sorry to call so the dresses the hair going to hell for this going to help her that I'm like

45:26 You know, and I had to go do my own Journey without, you know, I am, but I am ordained. I am evangelist. And, you know, I just just recently, I would say the last year, broke out of manmade tradition. And so, I've got another words. I freed myself from yesterday and traditions. I'm not that I didn't know the Bible, but, you know, when something just keep things, keep getting beat in your head. You just, you know, and I'm like, well, if you say God is love

46:10 Angry or mean to people like, you know what I mean, bad things do happen. But, you know, so I have been on my own spiritual journey ever since and now I'm going to go visit my family in Florida, but I, they haven't seen me in a couple years. So when I walk in the door with my side, shaved my sister. While I have a mohawk, it will be interesting to see how they respond. And then on top of it, my grandma. One of my grandmother's church is my aunt took over when she passed away. She call me when she asked me, if I will preach on Sunday and I started instantly freaking out cuz I'm like, I don't have no hair on the side, like they haven't seen me like shit. I know they're going to let me in the Pulpit like this is like somebody that you start to go crazy and my husband's like

47:03 Be you don't go don't see your conviction. You know, it took me a while to get here and it's the way I felt that little girl kind of like, you know, if so, it will be, it'll be interesting for them to get to know the new Roxy play. And you know, what's, so funny is interesting cuz then I was last found myself, talking all dresses and skirts. I already know.

47:29 So it's funny how that happens and you go right back to the mode but you know, I just, I don't know. I just start looking at things and everything differently from my old ones instead of from everybody else's lens. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I think it's the culture has a great way of doing that to you. And if it's honestly, we're at least raised a lot of young people away from the church, not too. But I think that's what's, what I find unique about myself. All everything. I've been exposed to in hurt by, you know.

48:09 I still just feel my this deep connection with God, like there's just still like, you know, and I'm hopeful. And you know, the reason why I'm so Boca about that is because I want other people to see me who are like me, whether that be growing up poor and poverty, experiencing homelessness, part of the lgbtq community. I want people from all this music say, like maybe God can love me too. And I think so often. We like you said, these men may traditions of who God love and who doesn't know who he's apply for. A jury doesn't apply for in is got even a he like, you know last night.

48:56 How old is that? Why we got to wait, Jesus everywhere. I understand. I don't care if the destruction in the Bible. He's he's like dark skin, wooly hair like hair, like mine. And you know, it's because that's the way that, you know, Heather authority over slave. But I just, I just wanted to share that. I'm like, why do we have a white? Jesus there? Like, Jesus is never black. I don't understand. I just never only in the black households. Are they have Jesus hanging on the cross and he's black. Yeah. Now it's it's very interesting, especially working out of faith-based Institutions to have that similar respect, you back later. Dana provocative, sometimes.

49:56 2 hours on. Yeah, it has been excellent.

50:04 I agree.