Sara DeRoo and Connie Going

[00:03] SARAH BLOMQUIST DEROO: Hi. My name is Sarah Blomquist DeRoo and today's date is Friday, February 4, 2020. I'm recording from Tampa, Florida. I'm here with my great friend and colleague Connie going, and we work together.

[00:19] CONNIE GOING: And I'm so glad to be here. Sarah. My name is Connie going. Today's date is February 4, 2022. We are in Tampa, Florida, where it's about going to get up to 75, 80 degrees today. And I am with Sarah DeRoo who is my amazing director in adoptions, my friend, my mentor, fellow advocate, and an amazing person.

[00:46] SARAH BLOMQUIST DEROO: You know, Connie, you are. I count. It was one of my biggest blessings since I've moved to Florida. And obviously, we had this strange connection of both having been music majors before we came to work in adoption and one of the many circles in which our lives have sort of intersected. But I'm kind of wondering what for you. And then, of course, we have this amazing adoption connection, both personally and professionally. And I'm wondering for you kind of what got you interested in adoption and also kind of what you've learned, maybe what you had thought have been sort of surprised to learn. Wow.

[01:22] CONNIE GOING: Well, for me, the thought of being in social work and adoption was not really a thought. I grew up wanting to be a classical flutist. I went to school for that, studied many years, and was performing professionally. However, it's rather challenging to make ends meet as a musician. And so through college and after, I would work in different psychiatric units, different jobs in the field, found I was good at it, found that I enjoyed it, that I loved people. So in my career, I was doing very well and was, you know, in the orchestra I was playing, and I had a car accident, and it ended that piece of my life. And so I fell back into what I could do well, and that was case management, social work, and the department hired me, and my first job was in foster care, and it moved into foster care, adoptions. And so from there, I just found this passion that I hadn't experienced in any other area. Helping families, helping children, you know, sharing their space with their pain, and ultimately working on the issues in the system. And so from there on, no matter how hard it was, I knew that's where I was supposed to be. And ultimately, you know, became an adoptive mom because of that. Met you, Sarah, because of that. And who knew that we'd even have an agency, that I'd have an agency and we'd be working together in the same state.

[03:01] SARAH BLOMQUIST DEROO: Right, right.

[03:02] CONNIE GOING: You know, so. And, Sarah, you know, what's interesting to me is I didn't even. I forget about the fact that we were both music majors, that we were both professional musicians, because that was another lifetime ago, yet it is a huge part of our life. And, in fact, you went to school for a piano, right? And I think it was french horn.

[03:24] SARAH BLOMQUIST DEROO: Yes. Yeah.

[03:25] CONNIE GOING: I am just fascinated. And so I'm really excited that, you know, to hear how you ended up as a social worker.

[03:32] SARAH BLOMQUIST DEROO: Yeah, exactly. So, you know, I think social work has always been sort of my heart. I was adopted as an infant, so adoption was always sort of part of my repertoire from birth on, if you like. My whole lifespan, I've been working in adoption, so to speak, and all of that personal work that we do when we're adopted. But also, you know, when I was newly married and we set forth to have a family, we always knew we would adopt as well as have biological children. That was sort of a line in the sand for me. That's what we were going to do. You know, biologically didn't work out. So we exclusively used adoption to build our family. And it, you know, for us, it was in no way a second choice or, you know, of course we grieved the biological peace, but since it was already one of the paths we were going to take, it very naturally happened. And, of course, I adopted, as you know, six children with my first husband. And then I was sort of tragically widowed and left a single mom of six children and love my piano and piano teaching as much as I did. It was certainly not going to support a single mom with six children. And so really, at the just sort of encouragement of some special friends, I went in to get my masters in social work so I could have a more sustainable income and job and truly work in my passion. And since then, it has just been an amazing ride. And, you know, several years later, I met my husband, Jamie, who is a single dad of six children and adopted his six children. So we sort of have this big, bodacious family with adoption as part of all of our stories now. And we actually adopted a child together. So it's always been, like I said, sort of woven in the fabric of my life and, you know, all the way up to our latest. We now have a ten year old that we're raising. And I know I'm way too old, it seems like to have a ten year old, but so far so good. He keeps me young, but, you know, it's just, you know, amazing. I think that path and that you also were an adoptive mom. And I think one of the striking things that intersect both of our paths is we have both chosen to adopt, you know, children from what we call hard places, children that have had quite a trauma history during some of their life or most of their life or whatever it is. And I guess, you know, what have been the lessons for you in that?

[05:55] CONNIE GOING: Oh, well, for me, I don't think I truly became fully understanding until I adopted my boys. Now, I adopted my first son. I had two biological children who were in their teens when I was 50 when I adopted my first son, and he was twelve. And he. I had known him through the system. I had recruited families for him. He had been adopted by a first family given back. He had bounced through 47 placements and five residentials by age twelve. And he was what the system considered unadoptable. And I knew that wasn't true. I had a connection to him. We had forged it over the years, and we. I just knew he was my son. The last placement broke down, and so that is when I truly embraced, I think, all the pain, the trauma, the loss, because parenting children from those hard places, you have to deal with your own losses, too, or you're just not able to do it. And so you build that family unit through that pain. And I think that's when I truly began to understand the children that we were, the families we were helping and the children we were working with. And it's not about saving, it's about empowering. It's about helping them go back and deal with their grief and. And you live there. I adopted my second son at. He was age 17, had been in the system since birth, as we know, which is a whole other topic, that the child welfare system is quite broken. And it's one of my personal passions to change that. But he was an amazing child, but yet we couldn't find him a family. We did a news story. It went viral. 10,000 people called. You know, I still wasn't adopting him. I took him to be on the view, and we were on all these shows, and still I left the agency by then. Cause I was so frustrated. And he still didn't have a family that worked out. And so when he was 16, he called me and he said, you know, Miss Connie, will you please adopt me now? And I immediately said yes, because the love was easy, the commitment. I had to examine all my other children, but the love was easy. But at that point, he was my son, and there's no giving up. And, you know, the journey of parenting children from hard places and, you know, it's a lifelong journey. It doesn't end at 18 or 21 or 32. It just doesn't end. And I'm meant to be with them. And so just like, I feel we were put together for a reason, to work with families and children in adoption, you know, when you get older, you just don't work so hard to get on top of your life. You sometimes accept and grow with it, and I think that's really important. So I'm always inspired by you, Sarah, because I think I have four. All my children, biological or adopted, have some trauma. I'm a single mom. There's the loss of the divorce in there. There's special needs, you know, on all different levels. I have a son who is transgender. I mean, going through all those experiences, and it's. I look at you, and I think, I only have four. You have a lot more, Sarah, and I don't know. You know, I'm awake at night counting my four. You're counting all of yours. And how challenging that has to be.

[09:26] SARAH BLOMQUIST DEROO: You know, it is indeed challenging, and I think it's interesting. I think around the time, maybe, that I had three children, I kind of knew my life as I knew it was over. Like, I need to put myself sort of aside. I mean, that doesn't mean I don't do self care and care about myself. I do. But I think once you kind of give yourself over to it, like, this is my role. And just the way the universe kind of put together my family was so amazing, and I'm just at awe because I know each single one of those, it was meant somehow we were to be connected, and this was to be our role to be together. And you're right. There's, you know, each one has, you know, sort of a story of loss. All of my kids do. And I think you're right. That does happen when you have biological children in one way. But adoption, you know, kids that come to you by adoption, have they come to you through a loss? And so I think acknowledging the loss that they come, that there was likely a mom, you know, a dad that, you know, through loss, their loss sort of becomes my joy and my ability to be a parent. But that child has also experienced that loss. And as we, you know, see in the research that even small infants, you know, feel that, that loss, but they do. And I can speak, I guess, personally, that we do overcome that, and we see that love actually multiplies. It doesn't divide. I have great affection and love for my adoptive parents who have passed on. They were my mom and dad. But I'm also blessed to have had this relationship with my biological family, and my biological mom passed away, sadly, a couple years ago. But we got to have that reconnection, and my biological father is still there. And now all of my siblings, which I am the oldest of ten full siblings, we have a wonderful relationship. So my love, it doesn't have to divide. I can love them all. And I think if we wrap our minds around that concept, and I love my children's biological parents, you know, I think having that love is really important. It's important for my children, if nothing else, because we take our identity from who we come from, who are our people. We take our identity from that. And how am I to deny my childhood a very important part of their identity? So I already love my children's biological parents. You know, some of whom, at that time that they were parenting, weren't able to parent in the way they might have wanted to, you know, just different social circumstances. And so I have relationships with several of my. My children's bio parents, and I wish I could have relationships with all of them. Some of them had sort of set up as a closed adoption and kind of grieve that, because I wish I could just say, oh, my gosh, look at this child you made. They're amazing. Or they're a young adult, and they're. They're doing this now or that now. But again, being with, with some of the mental health issues that we have, some of the behavioral issues is definitely a challenge. And I like to say, you know, when I meet people, I said, you know, when they hear the children I have, I usually try to kind of hide it because I think they think I'm like the old woman who lived in a shoe with kids, hanging off my apron, crying. And honestly, that was never the case. They're quite independent. But I tell people I have everything from prison to college graduates, and I love my child who sits in prison right now as a young adult, as much as I do my child, who's graduated from college and doing very well. It's their personal journey, and I'm proud of all of them. And I know that my son, who sits in prison, had quite a struggle, had quite trauma. When we adopted him at age five, he had been through six homes in the two and a half years prior to place. And that means, for him, he literally lost everything he knew as a young child to go from home to home to home. It's the equivalent of me driving home today and finding out my house burned down and I might find a stuffed animal in the rubble, and I get to take that memory with me. But not only that, but the family and people who were around him who, you know, were his everything as a young child. So his trauma is severe, and that really led to his not being able to trust. And I know I'm not going to tell his whole story today, but I do want to say that at one point, I literally had to terminate my parental rights on him so he could get the mental health that he needed. Because you talk about the system, Connie, and it is set up for long term. Ultimately, I was sort of forced to do that for him to get the residential treatment he needed at the time. And that was probably the lowest of my entire life. I just felt awful, and I felt like it was so antithetical to everything I believe in and my love for him. It had nothing to do with the love for him, but he knew even through that process, we always kept in touch. I'm always his mom. I'm always the person that thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread. I mean, I'm always gonna believe that for you and have that hope and hold that candle for you. And so this last year, I've gone through the process, and he finally agreed to allow me to adopt him as an adult. So we're going through the adult adoption process. You know, he still has my name. That had never changed. And so we've been waiting, and it's obviously being, you know, incarcerated complicates the system quite a bit in terms of paper signing and all of this. And we started this process last spring. And he called me a few weeks ago, right, actually before Christmas, I think. And I could tell something was wrong. His voice was just shaking. He said, hi, mom. And I said, what's wrong? What's wrong? And he said, didn't you hear me? He said. I said, hi, mom. And he started openly weeping. And he said, I didn't realize how much this would mean to me. I thought it was a great idea you had. But he said, I didn't realize how much it means to me to know I belong. I belong in a family. I belong to somebody again. I'm not just out here in the world on my own. And I think that is the. That's where the magic happens.

[15:45] CONNIE GOING: It's the belonging, it's the connection, you know? And there is no age on adoption in most states. And the fact is, you know, every person in this world deserves that human connection and commitment from a family, and people blow it off for kids that age out. And, you know, I can't imagine what you went through because nobody adopts a child to have to terminate their rights to get services for them. And I think you've brought him full circle. And I think that along with all the pieces, you know, you were talking about biological parents, and I think that, you know, the old fantasy rainbows and lollipops and adoption needs to go away because the real story is they are our children are who they come from, along with what we give them, and we are not saving them saving us. And I get really frustrated with the mentality of saving. I think my boys came at a time in my life where they saved me from. Not that I put that on them, but that they really, my life became better. Was there struggles? Were there challenges? Yes, but it was our journey, and it continues to be our journey. I feel like, you know, we carry their trauma with them, we share it with them, we dig through it with them, and then we also have to go back and engage those biological families if it's appropriate. And as you're an adult, it's usually appropriate for, you know, when they become 16 and 17 and they are missing that piece. It wasn't an open adoption. I do think that when they begin to ask for that, you have to find it. And I did the same thing for my sons and, you know, found out that one, my oldest son that I adopted at 17, he had 200 family members within 15 miles of the office. He was born into foster care, and they never went and looked for his mom after. I mean, how sad is that? By the time he was 15, what he found out was he got his birth certificate from the system and she had passed away, you know, and of course, you know, my boys give me permission to share their stories, to help others, and it is theirs to tell. But that just struck me so profound when I went to a family reunion and I looked at all these people and I thought they were his kin and, you know, he could have been placed with them at an early age. He has a different way of looking at it. He feels like I was meant to be his mom. I kept him. You know, I was there for him through those times and that his family never found him. He has to make peace with that, and I think he's continued to do that. My other son that I adopted at twelve, his biological mother, had changed her life in many ways, had done her time, had worked on her issues, and we have an ongoing relationship. I feel like she's my little sister, and we are totally different people. And I love that. When you say that love does not divide, love multiplies. I think that the heart is a muscle and that love just keeps coming endless. I think our faith, and it just empowers it to regenerate. And so the love is not the hard part because there are so many different types, and our children deserve it, along with the commitment of people in their life. It's those two things that come together, and that's what family is and belonging. And, you know, I struggle with kids that don't have that, young adults, you know, and there are thousands.

[19:28] SARAH BLOMQUIST DEROO: And I think, you know, when, when I've worked as a social worker and worked with families who are starting this journey of adoption, and of course, we're telling these hard stories of what they might expect in the process. And I think even myself, if I look way back when I was in those training classes, you know, you're thinking, well, that's going to be everybody. That won't be me, certainly, I'm hoping, or whatever. But the truth is, it is always a challenge. These children that have been through this trauma, we know so much more about trauma now than we knew even 20 years ago. And we know that when we've had this kind of trauma, trusting anybody to meet our needs is almost impossible. And it's a lifelong experience to even learn to develop and get that sense of safety where you can only sort of trust yourself. And so we have those behaviors that come out, and those can come out in food hoarding behaviors where children hide. I had some of my kids who would always have to have some snacks hidden around in the room, even though they had open access to the kitchen. I tried all of these interventions, and I realized at one point they're probably not going to really trust that they're going to be fed until they're an adult and they're in charge of that. It really does. It's a lifelong accepting those kind of things. And the other behaviors that we have ultimately come out of, you know, that sort of felt safety and learning to trust in our words, even though saying, I'm here forever, I'm here forever, mommy or daddy, you know, the words don't fix that. It's a deep, you know, deep seated brain issue, basically, with our amygdala and our trauma centers and all of that. So, you know, learning, I think, as parents about trauma, learning about what is the biological process that happens when we go through this trauma, helps us as parents to understand the behaviors, and we see them in a new way. Not just, oh, this child is being defiant or this child isn't trying to survive.

[21:26] CONNIE GOING: We don't have bad children. There are not bad children. They are responding to what they know. And I think if we can just put it in that context to understand the whys, that it's not necessarily a choice. It is programmable, it is there. And it's our job in adopting and helping children from trauma to understand it can be different. And, you know, my son, who's 21, that I adopted at twelve, he just called me mom the other day and that was huge for him. And he said sort of the same thing. You know, I'm trying really hard not to call you Connie I said, you mean mom? And he said, you know, no, I want to call you mom. He's always wanted to, but it's that, are the, is this going to be a different experience? Is this going to meet my needs? And, you know, I didn't understand until I parented them. And I think that what you and I bring to our lives now with our agency, you know, the agency is that we understand that. So when we work with birth mothers or we work with, you know, adoptees, we work with families who are adopting from foster care, all of those things compounded. We have an insight that I don't think everybody has and a compassion and an empathy and a way to truly help, you know, every person in the triad. And I am excited because you and I get to do that. And who would have thought? When you reached out to me from Michigan, I was in Florida. You saw a story. We began to talk. You were doing the same type of work. You were looking for homes for very challenging children. And we talked. And then a year and a half later, two years later, you moved here and you called me, you reached out to me, you said, let's have lunch. And we became connected. I was like, I really like her. And you know that as a mom of many kids and a mom with children with challenges, you don't have a lot of people in your inner circle, right. You keep very close because it's hard to understand. You don't want to be judged. And we had a common bond. We had some, you know, things that connected us. And then I certainly didn't plan on having an agency. Not on my agenda. But again, it happened. It was, it's been a wonderful journey. And here we are heading into year five. That is, we're both doing it together. And you're the director.

[23:43] SARAH BLOMQUIST DEROO: Right.

[23:44] CONNIE GOING: You know, and that, and that's exciting for me. I don't feel like I have work or a job. I feel like I have a passion and I get to share it with my best friend.

[23:51] SARAH BLOMQUIST DEROO: Yes, that's what it's like. Yes. Yes. It's really quite amazing. I've never, I guess, had that privilege professionally to work in that kind of. I mean, I've had some great employers, no question. I bet some not great employers, too. But you are. It's amazing. You bring just that light. And when we have that integrity and we have that, you know, working with all kinds of people and this, the diversity of families we work with, the diversity of children and situations we find ourselves in the, you know, but really working, being able to work from the heart and being able to see, because when we talk about this trauma and loss and adoption, and sometimes we see that on the other end where. Where we might have a birth mom who has been in foster care herself or who aged out of foster care and who we, you know, in our little earlier years, would have loved to place her in a family or would have loved to find that just the right. And so we find ourselves, I think, kind of mama bearing. We are Mama bear, and we love them, you know, but we see them through those eyes. We're not seeing, you know, somebody who's just struggled with drugs or made hard choices or. But we know where these choices come from. Where with it, again, going back to that trauma and loss that is. That comes from both, you know, systemic issues when you're in foster care or, you know, just life. And then the things that we. Challenges we face as human beings in this world is hard. So I love that we can bring that, but we have that understanding and not judgment for the people.

[25:26] CONNIE GOING: I agree. And I think as we're coming to the close, is that I want people to understand that, relax in your journey, have your faith, trust that you will end up where you are supposed to be if you work at what, you know, you believe are your gifts, and you may think you're going to be something, and life could turn you in a totally different direction. And it's the direction, if I had made other choices. I mean, I never planned on having children. I never planned on any of this. And I think of what if I had gone that route, you know, I would never have the family I have now or be able to impact people. You know, I believe that we wake up every day, and whoever we meet, we are meant to change or help or impact their life in some way, even if it's just being pleasant. And we share that energy with them, and I think that we need to live life like that. And so everything has meaning and everything has value. And so, you know, I am just. That's what I want people to take away, that, you know, beautiful things can be built from loss, to trust the journey and don't have, you know, just have a plan to get one place, relax, look at your gifts, know that things have meaning and purpose and work. And work for the right means, the right end.

[26:48] SARAH BLOMQUIST DEROO: Yeah, exactly. It's. It's. It has been a journey I would have never pictured myself, most certainly not with 13 children. I look back at the poor people I used to be babysit for. I was not that kid person. You know, when I babysat, I couldn't wait to put the kids to bed and get on the phone with my friend, whatever it was. I was terrible. And so, apologies to who might be my babysat. I kept them alive. That was good. But the point being is that when you're open to that journey, and I love all my kids, it's a different kind of love. It is a mama bear love, and they are meant to be my children, and I believe I'm meant to be their mom. And they, like you said earlier, just kind of full circle again. They help us. It's not their job to help us, but they do teach us. They teach us patience. They teach us all kinds of amazing gifts. How to be flexible. You can't be that creative, flexible. How to be creative, flexible, work around things, you know, find. Find sources of help and being open to help. Oh, my goodness. We can't do this in a vacuum. We do need our village. So, so many of these things are the lessons we have learned through our journey, and there's not a single lesson I wish I wouldn't have had, even though it might have come from a hard story or a hard situation.

[28:03] CONNIE GOING: I agree with you, Sarah. I have no regrets. Except parking on the wrong side of this building. Outside of that, I am good. But, you know, I look back at my life and I look at it with meaning and hope.

[28:17] SARAH BLOMQUIST DEROO: So good.

[28:18] CONNIE GOING: I'd like to kind of end my piece with that.

[28:20] SARAH BLOMQUIST DEROO: Okay. Well, it's been wonderful to have this conversation with you. Oh, Sarah, today, Connie, you're a blessing. I hope that somebody hearing this story today, maybe their conscience has been pricked, they've been kicking around the tires of adoption, and they thought maybe, and here's these kind of two crazy sounding ladies that might just give them some hope that this can work and they'll be okay. I agree.

[28:42] CONNIE GOING: I think by sharing our stories honestly, it's how we change the world. It's as simple as that. Everyone has a story. Our children, the people we meet every day. By sharing those stories, we learn what they go through. And that can impact and touch. And it really is how we're going to change the world.

[29:01] SARAH BLOMQUIST DEROO: And that's what we should end on.

[29:03] CONNIE GOING: Yes.