Daniel Douangratdy and Saarah Shakeel

00:03 All right so high then how are you? How are you? I'm doing very well in the public library the Maple and brown their clients for the first time. So tell me a little bit about yourself where you from. I'm from Thailand and China people taste going on over there. I never really know where my parents are from they always kind of I always I don't even know I had some days. It's like an hour from Tylenol next day at work and last letter of a mix. I guess my parents on a Thai restaurant. On Park Avenue, so truly they're busy a lot. They work about 70 hour work week. If I ever since I was little my pretty much I started out with my grandma raised me pretty much time in the beginning and my first language is actually Mandarin Chinese so but on for

01:02 Nurse is my grandma passed away. I I don't really have anyone to speak it with her that that's okay. How long's it been since you've been to Thailand? My parents did go this past December. I'm sorry January. I just helped them out of with achieving citizenship. I actually so which is pretty cool to see them get that they're refugees coming from Mom. I believe a refugee camp in South Thailand and the came to my mother actually ended up in Colorado and my dad and Upton Rochester. He was one of the last last family members out of it last member of his family to come over to Rochester young both of them. I think my dad had the most money which out of all them witches like 10 bucks in his pocket. Which is pretty pretty cool to to know when you find that out until a couple years ago. I was curious Myself by the way. My mom got to Rochester was

02:02 She wanted to I think her friend told her about Rochester in like head. Maybe you should find like a sponsor family. So I helped you out get to Rochester from Colorado. And so yeah, she infected. So I and I and my dad and I are in a grocery store has just going to get to that won the first fight. So how long ago did your parents come to the United States was roughly about 35-40 years ago actually and when they went to the back of Home basically is it was 35 years since they saw home and they loved it. Obviously, they love being back around and but course everything was incredibly different 35 years. You can change really anywhere especially Thailand and Laos that area.

02:59 We are like you so tell me about yourself. So I was actually born in New York City and Brooklyn New York, but my parents are originally from Pakistan. They're from two of the major cities. My dad's from Lahore in my mom's from Karachi. So the way that they actually met was through a newspaper ad for it was for marriage obviously, so my mom's father my grandfather had put an ad in for the newspaper that you know, we have a daughter who is looking to get married and looking for so-and-so as a proper Suitor and my dad he was just hanging out with his friends and his friends saw this and he's like you should just respond to the ad and he didn't tell his father about it. He actually sent in the letter. I like this is me and he sent a photo with it and they agreed and they plan to come to Lahore to meet my dad and his family for the first time and that's when he broke the news to my other grandfather that hey I just kind of did this behind your back and now they're coming to see us so that's how that worked out, but my

03:59 Mom's family was in the United States before my dad was sponsored will come here. So she was already here. My grandfather used to work in a bank here. And so that's how they match he sponsored him and he actually came here and similar conditions here like 20 bucks in his pocket. Nobody to help him out and you just kind of starting from scratch their first language is obviously are native tongue which is or do and they learned English here. You in the US but it wasn't too difficult my dad started off in the same bank that my mom's father used to work in a grandfather. So he had some help from his in-laws obviously and my mom was already here going to school. So but neither of them actually completed their education here and fortunately they never had the chance, but I think just being in an environment where you're surrounded by people speaking English you pick up on the lingo.

04:59 My parents ever since they opened up their own restaurant my dad. It took him like a salad maybe 10 years to like get the language down cuz he had to do you want to eat stuff like that explaining food as it's pretty interesting how the process of like learning, you know that my parents number. I think my mom graduate high school to the comparative a level. My dad never completed high school. So I am I Monstercat English classes before I think during her stay in the refugee camps. So that's experience of the English language, I was really funny saying trying to see them take the citizenship test and just like asking me like also tell me what a constitution what is that really a test for you? So how would you compare the education of the

05:59 Camps to going to school here. Well, I guess in my parent's perspective. It was very different. I mean over there really. I mean it's kind of less structured almost, you know, you can I come in and then you sit down and then you have I don't I don't really know if the head like that Janelle social studies and stuff in history. I don't like that I think is mainly for the refugees they wanted to have them learn English because I think most of them were planning on traveling back to the traffic to the United States. So they wanted to prepare as best they can my dad was a rebel I guess and he never really went to class so it a lot of traveling and it worked like around all around Asia Hong Kong Japan stuff like that. So he was he was a very Avid traveling it was kind of used to like taking things out of whim. So for him come in the US with no English skills and Thai box, like he was he was okay with that job. He started off as a limousine driver.

06:59 And he did that overnight every day for about first 20 years. He was here. This isn't 10. So my mom was a stay-at-home wife and we had four kids in a one-bedroom apartment and it was it was a tough situation Vegas a nice thing about living in New York City was that you're surrounded by people of the same community. So you've definitely fit your not at home, but it still feels like home and how long were you and I was there until I was ten years old. Oh, well, that's one of my Dad decided to have a complete career change and it came up State. I never even known about Rochester. I've never heard of it until I came here and I've been here for 10 years. Exactly. It is. It's pretty quiet different. So did you go through? So what what what grade did you leave? Like, I was in 5th grade Ashley. So in between my elementary years, we actually tried to switch places. We moved around a little bit. We went to Florida. We moved to Maryland remove to Jersey just

07:59 With the search of trying to find a new like career and like I said for my dad education-wise his degree transfer convert it here it becomes an associate's degree. And my mom was probably a high school completion social starting off with very minimal education. It's very difficult to make a life here. So he just found whatever he could and he went into the business field and we started finding gas station properties and eventually found one here in Rochester. So we went from there. Have you been living there ever since you moved we first moved to Geneseo New York because our gas station business was in Mount Morris, New York, which is very close to Geneseo and recently the past two years. We've been here in rush. So you moved out here. So how was that transition from? I guess New York City to to the Rochester the wherever you were I was very upset. I mean, I was only 10 years old.

08:59 I didn't understand it at the time and I've course I was just being unreasonable that I was upset cuz my whole life was there my friends my family and we had a lot of relatives in the city. So we were the first ones to really take that big step and move out of the city and try to do something different my grant my mom's parents. My grandparents were not very understanding either. They don't understand why my dad wanted to make this movie is like I don't think you're going to accomplish much so but it is unfortunate that my dad didn't receive the type of support that he needed at the time, but I give him a lot of credit for being the first one to like make that move. Thanks a lot. I did what was necessary for his family and I'm very thankful for that. Now ten years later. I'm just happy where we are. And of course one of the biggest concerns for my parents was raising your kids in the city is not something my dad wanted to do. So if you wanted to get us out of there while we were still young. You so

09:59 Bathroom was it like I was the only person from Pakistan that's definitely for sure. So that was a bit of a change because my classrooms in York City. I'm used to being in a community of people who are very similar to the first thing you notice is obviously skin color which was a bit difficult in the beginning but I was able to really mesh nicely I guess so I just continued to be myself and it's been great. I mean people are very nice here and you shouldn't have to worry about anything like that. So yeah, I kind of I guess I was a little bit of a similar situation up here and I guess my first schooling experience. I went to like a Catholic school, but it all and I had no idea what was going on right by my parents aren't they? Like really religious people and the first day I think I I think I was

10:59 Bullied when I was a kid over there. So, you know, it's fine just talking about it now just thinking about it. Then I think there is a lot I guess according to my parents and they were like, a parent their friends would call my parents and whatever you like. Yeah. This is what happened to X Y and Z and the other kid, like nothing really would happen to him is like I have five minutes in the closet or something like that. I don't know in time out or whatever and so my dad eventually told me like you're not alright, it's time to stand up. There is like you just got out start punching bag or something like that and then eventually like I think I just fought back one day and then that was that you never feed never bothered me for the rest of the time. But yeah, I think I actually my brother and my sister went through a similar process like going through the same Catholic school and I was the last one in my parents gave me the decision to

11:49 Either continue go to the Catholic school or since I was in Brighton District Central School District area and asked me if you want to go to Brighton and I think that was the best choice. I made definitely leaving that that that Ocala school system and going into its brighten brighten. The general is like really incredible diverse education system and I made a lot of different friends going through that going to that system K through 12 and luckily there was a lot of diversity come in so I wasn't like you all the odd ones out. Have I eaten friends? I love them. So you didn't actually experienced too much of a change from school. So it wasn't too much like for example, that's why I didn't do too much traveling myself, but on terms of moving around, but it was definitely an experience. I have been to many schools.

12:49 Just moving from City to city. Like I said at the time I was so little that I didn't understand why we kept doing this. It's frustrating. It's hard you just packing up your life and trying to start all over again. I move to Florida was probably the worst decision we could have ever made it is it was a tough economy at the time and just going to school there people were not very friendly towards me and it was just a few months but it was a horrible few months. And then when we move to New Jersey it was during the summer months. So I remember I was just getting admitted into the school system and they told me that the bus would not be able to come pick me up. So we have to walk a mile and a half call every day because the minimum was about two miles for a bus to come. Holy cow, We moved out of there right before school started, but I never knew what was what it was like to be in a private school. I grew up going to school in New York City where it was a public school and we didn't have many facilities. We didn't have much money.

13:49 So we just started off at a minimum. So when I came here to Rochester or to Geneseo, it was a huge change for me. I was like these people have money. I was just incredible. You cannot compare the education and everything else that they provide your extracurricular activities even today in the city. All of this is unimaginable. So that's pretty Wild Thing feel like I got another question for you regarding your parents do everywhere if they ever told you of stories or like they had to like really I don't ever like word. I guess question of there because of what they looked like her that never felt like I mean nothing that I can remember specifically but being with my parents my whole life like I've I've experienced

14:49 As well and I've seen it happen to them. So it's unfortunate when someone looks at you differently and especially when my dad was like job hunting and at the time like racism still exist in the world today. I don't know people can be inconsiderate at times and that's always been difficult for him and my dad shies away from that a little bit because he knows that he has the accent and so does my mom and they'll be times when my mom is still afraid to like speak to an operator on the phone and asked me to do it because she just doesn't like Mom you can speak English. I know you can't but she's it's just so natural for her to shy away from a homie. Can you please talk to her because it's scaring me a little bit. But thankfully they stayed grown out of it a little bit over the years, especially with their success in like jobs are having his own business. I think really was a confidence booster for my father because he's self-employed and um, yeah, so that's been great.

15:49 I think I remember when my parents first open the restaurant on Park Ave. Like my dad was like putting up a sign or something and I guess so A group of Italians come over and they just start like talking to him like you need to leave now. You're not welcome here wasn't really I guess I Thai food around like a mad Russians been open for about roughly 22 years and I've been around and he is told me a lot of different stories are like people go up to the restaurant looks like you need this. What is this? Like you're not going to survive here, you know, it's pretty crazy. And then now 22 years later like everyone's like a how are you do you know what's going on with Neil, you know, it's it's really cool to see like the growth of like the difference 20 years can bring to an area just welcoming people and stuff like that bring up more open-minded about things and stuff like that song.

16:42 So I'm going to the question. How many siblings are you again? My brother or my sister is the oldest she's Thirty. My brother is 27 with that Denise from Uncle. Thank you. The links to my sister is getting her doctorate degree in Psychology. She I guess she's actually like the biggest traveler the family. So she when she graduated from Brighton High School, then she decided to go to the University of Hawaii. And then she decided to go to the American University of Paris. And then she moved to San Francisco and then go back out why she was she was all over the place. Luckily. I have the opportunity to stay with her and Paris for like a month and she showed me around.

17:42 But now she's actually move back home for a little while. And then I'm going to Baltimore Maryland for an internship for she found them. So she's going to get a little practice experience and then hopefully open up around her home place. A brother is a civil engineer graduate from RIT about 2 years ago. Yeah. Yeah. He he likely cuz she has a great program. How are co-ops and stuff like that so likely usually the the trend is like you usually get a job straight out when you graduate with the with the collapse, So she's in the Virgin at 5. I don't even know where that is 45 minutes away from here. I think and Plastics Distributing Company. I believe he works with like a lot of 3D printing and stuff like that. Your parents must be very proud. I guess now the question is

18:42 In these days and I don't I guess the question is kind of again luedtke a looming and no one really wants to take over the rest all I like different career paths and whatnot. So but and also we can cook food as well as my parents. Can I can't cook at all. I worked in the cane for 5 years ago. But yeah, it sucks being the baby of the family of shoes to fill as well. I guess one of the questions of my parents as immigrants here in the US always get asked is like how did you do it if you'd like? I'm not trying to Pat myself on the back of it cuz I have big shoes to fill still but people say that you come here without the education without the support in the knowledge. And then you raise kids here in this country to go to school and to do really well my oldest brother.

19:42 Is a doctor my sister-in-law is a dentist and able Seaman, Ohio. Actually, they're expecting their first baby soon. My brother is a lawyer. He works in New York City and I have an older sister who goes to medical school in the Caribbean. I have one more year of undergrad but it's been nice but one of the first things in my parents always taught us looks like you need to stay in school. The biggest thing that they struggled with her was not being able to start on their feet because of not having it education. That's something that my parents of always stressed that no matter what you need to get your education cuz I'm going to take you far were they really strict on like even Abby was like a bad grade for kids like Mom. I got a B+ on this test. Why did you get a name? But I mean those are just when we were kids and I

20:42 If they weren't strict at the time like I can't imagine where I would have been so there's a reason for everything and I may not have understood it done. But it all makes sense. Now, I guess speaking to like the Asian stereotype of like strict parents. My parents are not strict at all. If I got I got seized and stuff like that. I was a bonehead in high school. So I turned around a lot. We do whatever I got to see your something like okay can you can do better if you know the three of us, but I remember back in the day when we get report cards in the mail and I would I would just go in the backyard. I just laid it on fire. I wouldn't get so embarrassed. I guess. I'm kind of thankful that they were so like I guess very relaxing with it all I'm in college now after

21:41 Badger like I'm I have a lot of self-discipline cell and I guess with that like they worked a lot so they weren't really around too much and I guess he was really I was very independent in terms of applying for school and stuff like that. I mean I didn't really ask why I asked my brother. Like how do you reply to college like you on all that the Common App and stuff but a lot of that I had to do on my own financial aid and whatnot because my parents really really didn't know how it worked, you know, cuz I didn't go through the system but

22:16 Yeah schools schools. Are there such thing as for me, I guess this has been the toughest here for me because it's I've been close to home for most of my education including College like I committed to campus and I still do but this is the first year. We're all of my siblings were away from home. So just me and my parents and I realized like how nice it is to have an older sibling there when you just have a problem use turn to them for the question is the first time when I really had to just step up and kind of figure everything out on my own and it's it hasn't been easy, but I think it's a good step especially since I'm still living at home. Sure. I do hope to pursue a career in law. So I want to go to law school soon. And when I eventually do that, I'm going to have to do it on my own. I can't hold anybody's hand to do. So, I feel like it's a good transition now for me to get used to it before I finish college and move on but but like you said going back to the report card.

23:16 I used to get those in the mail too. And I remember we had to have those signed by your parents and brought back to school before you had the parent-teacher conference and I guess in my household. My dad did have a little more of a say than my mom did. So anytime we had to do something or go somewhere. I was always like ask your dad have a report card signed shoes. Like your dad's going to find it. I'm not going to sign into my mom. Please just I didn't get back to me so that that was always different to so what what do you say your household is like he had to describe. I guess I speak to the disciplining. I guess I never had to get like yelled at my parents. They always like just had to wear one time. I just did something really stupid and he just looked at me and shook his head and I felt like the world just fell on my head felt so ashamed I don't know. I don't know what I was doing, but

24:16 I got me feeling really guilty. I think my mom is Kylie obvious that I think if she yells at me, I just passed out laughing at it. You know, she is so goofy and I can't take any of them. Seriously now unless I like a messing up in the kitchen at work or something like that. But a lot of the time actually my my mom took care like the paperwork for school and whatnot. She did all the signing and stuff like that cuz she she she can like read English and say read and read write and speak a lot more than my dad. Can my dad can I don't think I can probably like the alphabet and stuff like that. So, of course she gets a couple of signatures yet. He's got that now down but besides that the dynamic was pretty interesting again going back to the house. Like they weren't really around too much. I was really raised by my like my castle extended family and stuff like that my aunts and uncles my cousins and stuff like that. My older cousins are your babies.

25:16 Me a lot and I and also my grandma to fatten up for that was a kid and my Grandma to feed me, you know, I remember but she's getting a little older some reason she just be up at like 2 in the morning and I get I'm sleeping and like no one. Can I get a knock on my door is like Danny want something to eat? And no really? I'm good. I'm good at you and believe me ever to she was just like leave food in front of my door for you. And for some reason she thinks I didn't really have too much interaction with my brother sister like too much I guess. I don't know. It was a really interesting Dynamic thinking about it. Now. I was my brother and I really a lot closer than them before I discuss like with a nice and everything, but I was really close with my my older sister. I don't know her and I really just click a lot more than my brother and I

26:16 I was I was just at a demon to my my brother's his friends and they were like it would come over and stuff like that. And I would I used to terrorize them so much. So I guess that's a glimpse a little bit of a glimpse to my home life. How about yourself? I think is very similar for me. Actually, I guess the age gap between my brothers and I is about 7/8 years. So we were at like a really different point in our lives. Even when I was young. So I was always closer to my sister that my brother's she's three years older than me, but we were still like connected at the hip and still are I used to have to be like dragged along everywhere. She went to my mom would just be like take your sister with you wherever she went. Well there was a friend's birthday party you're going to the mall or anything should like take your sister with you my sister never like that. But I guess it just had to happen that way as we've grown older. I think the Bond has definitely gotten stronger just because we've all been through so much and even though we're not we're all in like different parts of the country like

27:16 We're still very close and I never expected it to be that way because there was one point in my life where I felt like I didn't even know my brothers and my brothers were the only ones who actually dorms on campus for college. They went to Stony Brook University in Long Island. So at the time we were still living in the city and my sister and I were very young by thing. That's really when we started to drift apart and it was kind of a scary time like not knowing who your siblings are and even though you're related to them. But yeah, a lot of that is changed now with a job easily so many experiences in the family with the baby gets like spoiled and stuff like that are like Cast Away with a lot more stuff would you say you are so I guess let me start back to my parents. So kind of dates.

28:16 Opposites Attract which is very true. Like my my dad is more of a strict serious type of guy and my mom is kind of goofy and a little quiet at times but very shy so our household has always been that way and I guess my the reason for my dad being that way it was because he was always stressed out about like what we wanted to do. Like we didn't want to stay in New York City permanently and he didn't want to be a limousine driver his whole life. And so a lot of that has changed over the years obviously like there's much less stress having two children who are done is graduate school and I was just my sister and I and you know, my sister can see the finish line and I'm kind of know where I'm going now. So the stress is calm down a lot. So it's very different to what it was 10 years ago. So my dad is also cool down a lot of and so yeah, like I mean, I guess my siblings always tell me that I am we're spoiled. I have it easy and stuff, but I just think the reason for that is because the timing has changed so much.

29:16 So that makes a lot more sense. I feel like I guess when you have your first kid get out here, you're kind of like, you know, this is new to me, you know, you're going through everything and you don't really know what to expect. I'm going to when he reached like the last guy I know what's going on. Okay, if it's pretty easy like you kind of have it down but and where my parents had their first kid, like my parents got married very young. They were 20 and 21 my mom and dad so they had their first kid like 2 years after marriage. So he was only twenty-three himself on which is a very young age to have a kid if you think about it in today's generation and populations very different. So and the economies changed so much too, but sure if someone told me about Rochester like when I first came to the US it would have made it so easy. But yeah, so I still have relatives in the city area that

30:16 She moved out a little bit. Now. I have some family in Staten Island, New Jersey. My grandparents used to live in in Brooklyn New York by after my grandfather passed away. My grandma started living with my uncles and their home. So nobody's actually in the heart of New York City anymore where we used to be going back. There is so different for me though. Just walking down those hallways in the building that I lived in it's just it's kind of scary to think that life. There hasn't changed. It feels like feels like nothing has progress from there. And it seems like the rest of the world has moved on so far. Sometimes it's a bit scary to go back there and see that everything's the same here. So my dad's family still lives in Pakistan. My mom's entire family is basically here in the US has some relatives in Utah, but my dad goes back occasionally like once every few.

31:16 Sears in him. So another thing was him was that he grew up to step siblings. So I think that's another reason for him like having the nature that he is like being straightened serious and kind of doing things on his own is because his mother passed away when he was very young and my grandfather raised him and his he had a stepmother and stepsister doings, which was really difficult for him because obviously it's not the same family structure that you hope for so because of that I feel like my dad is always been like independent from a very young age. So I gave him a lot of credit for everything that he's been able to accomplish here like at such a young age with so little to begin with the last 4 years ago for my uncle's wedding. I was there for about 10 days but it was so different is very hard. They lose electricity clean Waters soda.

32:16 Defined and I was only there for ten days it felt like forever and now it's unfortunate cuz it seems like like people over there so far behind what we're used to and what we have here, but it's a really good like test for you to realize that you have so much and to be appreciative for it so difficult to get in the Pakistan and I'll like I don't I guess where did you fly into? So I we we flew into Lahore which is the biggest lie. I had to get my passport made cuz I hadn't been there in like I went back after 11 years the last time I went before this past trip, I was only five years old. So I had no idea what it look like. I didn't have any memory of it sounds like the first five years of my life. I can't even remember properly. So I think the only difficulty that I had was maybe coming back into the United States because they're always

33:16 If you don't know, right and even with my name, like sometimes people say they if you have a name especially especially cuz my face is Islam. If you have a name that's kind of religious state will hold you longer a rock at you differently. I'm at my dad's first name is Muhammad so he can only imagine what that's like, but I guess the good thing was that I was with him and they know that I was born here. I'm an American. It wasn't that bad, but you can still tell when it's not as natural as other people going through but you spell your name with two A's I do so it actually comes from the Christian name Sarah, but it's pronounced Sada in my legs. So that's also something that I blame myself for because I've introduced myself as Sarah for as long as I can remember also so many of my friends tell me you should just get used to calling yourself what your parents calling me.

34:16 Call you at home. So I'm trying to get better at that but I still struggle little bit but that's again. I know this thing that I tried to do too kind of fit into this American society cuz I same thing with my dad like Muhammad is actually not pronounce Muhammad Muhammad saw this big difference at that and my mom's name is shazi of it. I mean that's pretty easy to pronounce. But so lot of transfer that moves like the the biggest struggle was like trying to combine both cultures and be accepting and stuff has been calling and then my mother's name is King along. So I like my mom took him and my dad took Boone, you know, so I kind of like at the flow of that but I guess I have a question for you. Now, what do you think is like one of the did you think that culture was kind of hard to assimilate into their lives living here in the United States?

35:16 Like Chinese or Thai well, luckily my dad came here. And then he was most my family was already in Rochester. Like I'm at least on my dad's side. And so they already had like a grocery store business going on. So I guess it was easy moving to neighborhood just like you went to New York City. I like where you knew everybody. Everyone was kind of similar to you and you don't smoke the same language and whatnot. So, I guess the transition wasn't as difficult as it was initially you didn't come here and have no one to depend stay with the stuff like that. And I guess my mother she was very shy using her like English inside like in the beginning and I guess people really nice to my mother coming in from Colorado. She was just telling me the story how like her mother like they were like 3 hours later something to the bus stop and she was like freaking out cuz she had to get picked up in Buffalo because I guess it didn't have like a a train station at the time and then Rochester so and everyone like

36:16 Are you okay? Do you need anything? Like he was a couple bucks for dinner. I mean, I like to know the phone number, you know still the only people from Colorado then I guess besides like the X like at the restaurant Park Ave are people like now get out of here. You don't belong here besides that people are generally pretty they said they're generally pretty welcoming very supportive of their like lack of like English skills and stuff like that. And Buddy was I think they definitely don't deny that it was hard that it's very very hard to kind of a leave home and then come back to the side where you have no to much about but they're very thankful for it now. And then now that it's like they didn't they're fine. Now I still get nervous and they let go to like to order food is never order food like rest or fast food restaurants or anything. So I always think it's funny when they go and try to order like a cheeseburger.

37:16 Bring it off cuz you took it home, but you were born here in the United States. So have you felt like you've ever had to struggle between maintaining your Chinese Thai culture and being American I guess the other there's been times I can school like when we were younger like I don't like a river like eldest of the Chinese middle finger or something like that and like I had no idea. I like you. I guess they are going to say this in Chinese and like I get so angry. I don't think I had like an insane problem or anything. I'm actually I have to be that the writing a lot because there was a just a huge amount of diversity and saw there's about like 380 kids in my class and they're they're all like very cool very open-minded people and it was very welcoming community in general Brighton. I'm really thankful for coming from there. So

38:16 It's good to know for me. I have to be completely honest. I actually hated my skin color for the longest time going up. I just didn't understand why we were darker and why we look different why people treated us differently. I've come to appreciate it so much. I love being Brown they called but yeah, it's I think about it sometimes and it's unfortunate that we have to grow up in an environment where you just begin to hate yourself for no reason not understanding why we have these struggles. And so yeah, it's been it's been tough, but it's gotten a lot easier and sometimes I think about going back there just to see what it feels like in meeting everybody. And so yeah, I guess change comes for reason so so damn, it's been really nice talking to you first so much about you.