Sheri Mischke and Lee Abbott

00:00 Please introduce yourself. My name is Lee Abbott. I'm 41 years old. Today is Thursday, November 19th. 2020. I'm in Los Angeles, California and my conversation partner is Sherry and she is my aunt.

00:19 My name is Sheri mischke. I'm 57 years old. Today's date is Thursday, November 19th 2020. I'm in Westminster Colorado and my conversation partner is my nephew Lee.

00:35 So we all go ahead and get started. So the story that I want to tell is really our story about how we lost contact for 25 years and what led up to that and after the 25 years what brought us back together and where we are right now, so I thought a good way to start it is Maybe by you just explaining your childhood and maybe some of the things that kind of lead up to the 25 years of us not connecting cuz I think that's your childhood is an important part of the story. So, can you just tell us about your childhood and how you grew up?

01:33 Yeah, I think that.

01:36 It was really impressive and pretty abusive and

01:46 You know, the hard part is that you know, my extended family was so great. But you know our family isn't so good about communicating in a lot of ways, you know, we keep a lot of stuff private and we're kind of just like suck it up and deal with it people. So I didn't feel like I could really talk to anybody about what was going on.

02:14 And so

02:18 At you know, it just got to the point where my birth mother asked me to go live with my father.

02:29 And so I did that because I didn't really feel like I had a choice but at the same time, you know, this was free Google and cell phones and all of that. So when I did go to live with my dad in Bellevue Washington outside of Seattle, I was pretty much just cut off so, you know, my mom would write back to me if I wrote to her maybe she would write back to me, but I couldn't get any information like addresses or phone numbers from her for you or for Grandma and Grandpa or Patty.

03:18 So it just it kind of felt like a banishment and away, you know what I mean? Like you're trouble your problems. So, you know if we get rid of you it's going to be easier for everybody else.

03:36 And you know, it just it seemed easier that way I guess, you know just to be gone and you know, we've discussed before or how when you don't really know the full story you fill in the blanks and a lot of times we saw the blanks negatively.

03:58 So I kind of felt like it was like everybody knew that I was sent away and everybody was okay with that, you know, yeah.

04:11 So and from my perspective, so I went to you without you and I have a close relationship. We're about 16 years apart, but growing up, you know, your younger years. We were very close like we always had a similar sense of humor, you know, and maybe inside jokes even with that age difference. It felt like at family gatherings and so on that we just got each other if somebody was being silly or ridiculous or whatever we could kind of just give each other a look and we understood what we meant. We are on the same page.

04:57 When you are about maybe 8 or 9 years old, I went to live in California. I finished up my school in California. I was there for about six years and I felt like we were really close right up until I left and then you know, you came and visited me one time in California. That was a fantastic trip. We had so much fun.

05:19 But I did feel like I moved home. I moved back to Colorado after six years away and things were very different as far as our relationship. I you know, I barely saw you I think after I came back and then you were just too suddenly gone and

05:41 You know it I didn't understand why because we had always been close and granted the distance, you know, created a little bit of emotional distance as well. But I kind of thought you know, well, maybe I just don't understand teenagers. Maybe that's why you're distant or maybe you know, maybe he doesn't like me anymore or something like that.

06:07 The unfortunate thing and what we found out just recently when we reconnected is that I was told a different story about why you left I was told that you had run away and you know

06:25 I didn't understand with us being closed why you would run away and not come to me or tell me what was going on. So I had to then like kind of like what you said assume maybe the worst like that to you. I don't know where a bad kid or that, you know, maybe you were into drugs and alcohol or I don't know. I mean, why would somebody just run away and not reach out so that led to and every time I asked about you I was told the same thing. I don't know where he is. I don't know where he is here on our way. I don't know where he is. So this is what caused us to not see each other for 20 like I guess it's about 23 24 years this whole time over 20 almost 25 years.

07:19 I thought that you didn't want anything to do with the family that you would just left run away and you weren't looking back and I was worried about you. I was worried that you might be homeless that you might be in prison that you might be. You know, just all the worst things are what I worried about because I thought you would surely contact me again if you really wanted to

07:52 I think you know that was.

07:55 That was the hardest because I think because of our age difference you always kind of seems like a big sister to me instead of an aunt because it was always the two of us. Like if you look at like Christmas pictures and Thanksgiving. It's the two of us sitting on the couch laughing and whispering and joking

08:21 So I didn't and I'll tell you know my love for Grandma and Grandpa and you know, Patty and

08:29 I didn't understand why nobody knew what was going on. I mean now of course I do, you know, it was just so much to see on the part. You know, my mom that she was able to keep everybody in separate little boxes and you know keep everybody from communicating with each other and why do you think that Isley? Why do you think that we would be told that you ran away and that you didn't want anything to do with the family where they clearly knew where you were and that they could have put us in touch with you. Why do you think it was handled that way?

09:15 Well, and they had me hospitalized, you know, we would have to do family therapy. Me and Amy and my stepfather Jamie and it was that that point when I was there that I just felt like

09:39 Not so much stays but I was far enough away from them that I could tell the truth. Then I could say it to their face and so in those therapy sessions I brought up the abuse and I brought up. You know what we had gone through as kids and I think that when I was really cheap and they were living with Grandma and Grandpa again, I think that she felt

10:12 That I was in Poland and I was going to say what was going on because I don't think Grandma and Grandpa knew what was going on. And I don't think they would have been okay with it. And so I think that she was fearful that her house of cards was going to fall down cuz she painted such a Rosy picture of you know, how her marriage was and how our childhood was that, you know, Kaylee might open his mouth. He's feeling pretty bold. So I really need to get him away due to that make sense. Can you share I think you you know told us a little bit but can you share why you didn't feel comfortable telling us this directly?

11:00 It was the spirit of Jamie, you know, it's from the years of abuse like physical and mental. I was just so I was so afraid of him that

11:16 I wasn't going to say anything to anybody. You know what I mean, and he just like controlled a me so much and me and Benjamin my brother that I didn't think.

11:32 I didn't feel safe that I could say something and I didn't know if I would be believed, you know, so.

11:41 It was easier just to go away and as hard as it was in hindsight, it was the best thing that could have happened. You know, I have so many regrets about

11:59 You know missing out on Grandpa and Grandma and losing them and not being able to be there for them.

12:05 But at the same time, you know when?

12:11 I was on that plane to Washington. I just promised myself that.

12:17 I was going to be honest with you I was and

12:22 I was going to live.

12:26 Authentically myself regardless of what that meant and when I got off that plane was going to be a different person. And so that was the good thing is that I was after that I was able to build myself back up. You know what I mean? It wasn't smooth sailing from there. You know, there were hard times.

12:46 At least I was away from that.

12:51 Well, I'm so proud of the way that you took care of yourself. I mean what we didn't mention is at the time you left your 15 years old and no 15 year old should have to really take care of themselves after that because we knew what we learned later when you and I reconnected is that when you went to live with your father, he doesn't necessarily care like he let you have a roof over your head, but that was the extent of him taking care of you and that you pretty much did took care of yourself that you enrolled yourself in school that you got a job. So you would have something to eat that you just, you know, pretty much took care of yourself and I am so proud of the way the teevan at that age you were able to take care of yourself and knew what you needed and that you are true to yourself.

13:48 And I'm just amazed that you were able to do that and still turn out like you are you're just so fantastic and you're such a wonderful beautiful human being and the fact that you are able to do that is amazing to me.

14:05 I mean, I didn't always make the best decisions, you know, because I was throwing now had so much Freedom that I really had to like.

14:18 Learn

14:20 The responsibility of that freedom, you know when you do errands over your shoulder like oh you need to go to school. Do you need Saturday to good get good grades, you need to act like, you know, I had to learn to harness that freedom. You know what I mean? Like a guy like you actually need to eat and you need to like survive and do for your spouse.

14:48 So it was hard but

14:54 I think that for the longest time I did it out of spite despite you like you're not going to bring me down. You know, I'm not going to ask anybody for anything. I'm going to do this for myself against you and then I you know over the years that became less about Spite and about myself and the people around me.

15:23 And I think also reconnecting with you I can.

15:31 Go back in memories and I can look at the good stuff where it for the longest time. It was just the back stuff. That was bad and it was crappy and horrible but being around you.

15:45 It reminds me of the good things that happens. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

15:54 So let's talk about reconnecting cuz that's an important part of the story is how we did find each other after all these years. You start that because you found me. Okay. So Grandpa died, it's been I think six years ago now and my father and I have his stuff in the basement and it's been there really the whole time. It's still there. I've walked past that stuff hundreds of times every time I go on the basement and I don't know how this happened but all the sudden one day. There was a sheet of paper in the boxes of stuff that are you know boxed up sealed there. It's not a bunch of loose papers, but all the sudden there was one sheet of paper that was sitting in the stuff and almost like light shining on it and told

16:54 Grab this piece of paper. So I grabbed the piece of paper and it was an email that you had sent to Grandpa a few years earlier. So you had an email conversation with him prior to his death a few years prior to his death.

17:15 What was your reason for reaching out? How did you find him? And what was your reason for reaching out to him?

17:22 Well, I had found the genealogy website that he was keeping online and there was an email address attached to that. I was like I found Grandpa like what the heck, you know, and so I emailed him and really didn't know what to expect.

17:50 Because none of us knew what was going on. But when he replied to me, I was just so shocked and so happy but still kind of cautious and then I didn't hear back from him after a couple of emails and I didn't know why I think now like now knowing what happens maybe he couldn't email at that point, you know, she's sick.

18:23 But she just have that connection cuz in the back of my mind, I still loved you guys. I still need there was love there. So, you know just to put myself out there a little bit. I'm just to see and I guess it turned out to be one of the best things, you know.

18:43 So, how is it you are very brave to do that because you don't know what's going to come back and Grandpa and Grandma. I loved you so much and you were missed by the entire family. And I know that we've talked about this before but I've asked you to try to if you can rewrite your memories in a way to say what I thought at the time that I was being ostracized by the whole family is not true that it was really only you know, a couple of individuals, but the rest of the family truly missed you and truly worried about you the entire time there was a it's not like just for you know, the first 6 months or something. It was 25 years of worrying about where you were and how you were doing.

19:43 Because we like we live that in our relationship, you know, how much love there that it's not like it disappeared in one day and then it all just showed up. I think that we've been carrying it with us this whole time waiting you back together.

20:04 So I took that email exchange that you had and I found your email address and I sent you an email and I was super nervous to send you that e-mail to because again my mindset at that time is that you didn't want anything to do with the family. And so

20:27 That the approach that I took is too very quickly at the beginning of the email to tell you that I love you and that I miss you and that that hasn't changed in case that was all you read in the email. If you just saw at least that part of it and then delete, you know angrily deleted it and didn't want anything else to do with it that I could at least get that out there. And then I proceeded to just kind of fill you in on the fact that grandpa had died and grandma because you weren't around at that time either even so that was quite a while ago and I'll fill you in on you know that I'm married and I have kids and and to reiterate how much I love you. What did you think when you received that email?

21:18 I was just totally shocked. I didn't even know.

21:23 Where to start I just and I asked a friend of mine. I'm like

21:31 Do I really want to get into this again? You know what? I mean? Cuz I didn't know like maybe what your relationship with my mom was if this was some kind of like weird like

21:46 Neymar track so I was definitely caught off guard but knowing our relationship as you know, I trust you and so, you know, it took me a little while to figure out how I was going to respawns and if I could I'd really like

22:14 Be a part of a family again, you know cuz I was just on my own for so long.

22:23 So it was it was hard it was did you think going to respond or what? I thought you were going to respond? Yes. I did and I waited for looking my fingers on the table. Come on Lee. It's been 5 minutes recent lost.

22:46 So it had to be so brave of you to open your heart up again, because I know part of what you did when you got on that airplane 25 years ago was to protect yourself and to kind of cut off that part of your life so that you could move on and survive and that's part of the reason you were able to survive what you did to you know, from 15 years old basically taking care of yourself for the next 25 years adult child who's living there on life and who you think might hate everybody and never want to hear from anyone in so I think we were both braids to put ourselves out there cuz we could possibly you know, both of us have day-to-day stuff. We can just stay distracted and kept it in the back of our minds.

23:43 But we put in the effort and I think it's the love that overrides the whole thing. You know, I think that we both had fears me of sending the email you of responding and then you know getting into meeting for the first time which we'll talk about in a minute, but I think that we decided that the love that we have for each other and the connection that we've always had, you know is greater than the risk of maybe getting hurt again or having to heal again.

24:22 Weather

24:27 What was that? You got to each other? We're safe with each other.

24:36 I think our email exchange. So after that we emailed each other every couple months like sending a couple pictures and just talking about our lives just a little bit but I feel like on my side and I'm curious what you're thinking too. I think I was still cautious that it was surface type stuff, you know kind of what I do with my job and that I have kids and I'd send pictures and so on but at that time we didn't get into the deeper conversations.

25:11 No, I think that.

25:16 I think it we had to keep its surface like just feel each other out. You know what I mean? Is anybody going to be snarky or negative or you know it was?

25:28 More about laying a foundation of ceiling safe or something, you know and not get into.

25:37 What really happened? You know, I think that's going to be more of a face-to-face conversation and honestly at the time I had no plan on coming back to Denver or

25:51 Any of that like I was way too scared.

25:57 Well it because we're still during this email exchange. We're still assuming that what we've been told is true. We don't have any idea like to me when were emailing back and forth. You're still the angry kid that ran away and didn't look back and we didn't find out the truth until we actually met in person and had a really good conversation. So let's talk about that for a minute cuz that's that is really big and I love to relive that day. I could relive it in my mind day after day and still have the same feelings. I don't know how long it was between the time that I contacted you through email the first time and when you came to visit to Colorado to visit, I would say

26:56 At least what was it? Say it again at least a year was thinking a year year and how something like that?

27:04 So you came to visit. I knew you were coming tell me what it was like before you rang my doorbell.

27:19 I was

27:22 I mean even before just ringing the doorbell from making the decision I'm back. I was just a mess. I was just so nervous. Like I've never been nervous in my life and like the trip there and the days before like I could barely eat. I was just like

27:46 I was insane and I stopped before at that shopping center, you know, and I was just like sitting there and just like I don't know if I can do this like I just really sat in that parking lot and it was freezing cold like trying to put myself up like you can do this. Like what's the worst that can happen? You know, you guys have been emailing back and forth you not going to slam the door in your face expect you to be there, but

28:20 I think I was so nervous because I hadn't seen you in so long and you have these three people in your life that I've never met and I knew that we were going to have to really talk about what happens.

28:41 And there was just I was so nervous. You know, I was sitting in my gosh. So you showed up at the door and I can picture it just like it was yesterday and there's such a lot of emotions for me too. Because the last time I saw you was 25 years before that where you were a teenager, you looked different, you know, so here you are you were so nervous. You were just shaking you were so nervous. You were crying, you know, the the aunt in me that Aunt and the mother in me wanted to make it. Okay as the

29:28 You do remember it like almost like you were still a kid because that was the last time I saw you. I just wanted to almost wrapped you up in a blanket make you some tea and and you know, I got your back and tell you everything is going to be okay, but yet you're a man and an adult and so there was that mix of emotions for me as well.

29:53 But my feeling on it when I got you in the door, like I just felt like if I can just get you in my house and Surround you with the people in my family who I love and adore and I feel like they're so safe and that they would make you feel safe. I thought if I can get you in the door, which almost felt like it took an eternity to get you out of the doorway to the back of the house, you know, like take off your coat. Come on, you can do this. Like I almost felt like you were about to still bolt. I felt like as long as I can get you in there and I can surround you introduce you to my family and Surround you with the love that we have in our household and the love that I knew that they would give you that everything was going to be. Okay. We just had to get to that point.

30:41 So I did we got your hat and coat off and got you into the back of the house in the family room and introduce you to my family and my kids and it seemed like they took it to you immediately. Like they were just chattering to you as if they knew you forever. I mean, they almost immediately started just talking to you about some program. They are done at school the day before and they played their instruments and they just kind of hung on you and it felt like you had been in our lives forever. How did you feel?

31:17 Well, I mean, you know what an introvert I am. So it was

31:25 Meeting 3 people that I didn't know at all and

31:31 You know when you took when we went to the basement and you were showing me pictures it like it didn't click until then. I'm like

31:42 These girls used to be babies and saved it. I just

31:50 It was this weird Time Warp thing where I really try and make sense of the fact that I had been gone for 20 for Less years and our lives still going on.

32:04 All these changes have happened, but at the core we were still the same. Nothing had changed, you know, there's new people and you jobs in you places, but you and I are still the same and I think that that's why it was so easy for Malia and Jenna and I to connect because you and I are so much alike. We believe in the same things, you know.

32:36 Being calm and positive than you know, and not being angry and loud and like your house is just so different from mine when I was growing up and so

32:53 Meeting the girls

32:56 There's such an extension of you. Thank you, but just like me, you know where all extensions of you and so it was easy for us to come together because we all have this really

33:14 Special Corps, you know that we can connect on such a deep level.

33:23 Yeah, I love that. Thank you. That's so sweet. You know it took bravery on my part and you know blah blah blah, but I just think that so much of the strength has come from you because you know having to deal with the death of your parents and

33:50 Everything with my mom and you know adopting girls and you've been so strong and you've tried to keep us all together and you know, I just think that Grandma and Grandpa would be so proud that you've worked so hard, you know, and I know it's been really hard for you because in a lot of ways you were allowed to you know, our family is really Wendling down.

34:20 So

34:23 Yeah, I know that it was hard for you to really thank you for seeing that. I I really appreciate you seeing it and saying that to me I I do that mean you brought me back and you've made my life so much better.

34:41 It's one of the things I mean during this first meeting. That's when we found out that we had been told different stories. And the reason that we have not connected for that long and an easy place for us to go at that time would have been anger. You know, I know that we both have anger at the issue but one of the things that we talked about is that we're not going to let that control the situation because while we still have anger we decided that we're going to move forward with love and let that piece of it be the majority of how we feel about the situation and not let the anger and resentment control how we move forward.

35:32 Balance

35:33 That when we went to lunch that day and I feel bad for the other diners cuz we're like seriously like get the truth laid out on the table like in that moment like I felt

35:55 Such a burden lifted like I knew as soon as we both spoke Our Truth and what had really happened that changed everything for me. Like I didn't I didn't want to be away from you again. I always wanted to talk to you. I wanted to be a part of your life again because we've been tricked.

36:20 You know, we had totally been lied to and

36:24 Knowing that that was the reason it just there was no all my nervousness was gone it totally evaporated.

36:35 And

36:37 They changed everything that one conversation changed everything that I knew to be true.

36:45 Yeah, I think I saw a shift in you from that nervous person that I pulled into my house and then after lunch it was just different it was just laughter and happiness and we took some fantastic pictures and just had a great time and one way that I knew that it was going to be. Okay, is that you brought your partner Seth with you not to our house, but he was in town and I have invited you to dinner. And you said I don't know and I you know, I don't know if we can do it or not early before all of this and I was you know being very cautious with you. Like I didn't I didn't want to push too hard and drive you away. And so I totally understand. If you need your time, you know, that's fine. You don't have to come to dinner. I knew that there was a shift and I knew it was going to be okay when you agreed to come to dinner and bring Seth with you.

37:45 So I knew okay. I've got him it's going to be okay now and it was a shift in in my feelings as well of being able to trust that everything was okay, and we could move forward.

38:00 Yeah, I think that we were finally able to let our guard down and

38:07 Just be honest, you know, I'm on and nephew that we were 20-plus years ago. We were those people again and it's so much more now as adults to it's amazing how much we have in common, you know, we talk all the time now not just us and onto my nephew but as truly as good friends. I mean, we we really are my best friend you are for me too, and I just love our relationship and I love our story.

38:45 If you could if you could give advice for anyone that's in the similar situation. What would you tell him?

38:56 You know, I would tell him just put yourself out there, you know, if you really steal it put yourself out there. It might not work out. You know, it might not be good. But you've got to try because I would have missed out on so much if I hadn't tried if you hadn't tried if we weren't Braves, you know, you just you got to give it a shot because it could make everything so much better.

39:27 And it did I love you. So sorry. I love you lie. I can't believe I said stuff nervousness. I do love you lie, and I am so glad to have you back in my life. You know, I know that it's a big shift for you because you were the one that was gone from the family, but it's a big shift for me too. Because having you back in my life has pushed out the anger that I had with your parents because there was anger for me for other reasons and having you back in my life has pushed all of that anger out. So I am beyond happy to have you back in my life and have you as part of my family's lives to I love you.

40:24 I love you so much, and I'm just so glad that

40:29 We were able to come back and it was as if no time had passed between us that were different bring you at characters and you know new places and we're still the same. We're still laughing and making jokes and that's the way it was supposed to be.

40:54 I love you Sherry. I love you, too.