Somany Koeung and Will Ross

00:07 My name is Dominican. My age is I'm 38. Today is Saturday, January 11th, 2020. It's so weird. It's so future right 2020 location Santa Monica California name of the interview partner is Will Ross and my relationship to my partner. You're everything to me. Not just

00:37 Husband I'll say that the formalities.

00:43 Thing is to return. My name is Will Ross. I'm 49 years old. Today's date is today's date is Saturday, January 11th, 2020 in Santa Monica, California name of the interview partner is how many Kung?

01:02 And she is indeed my wife.

01:10 Okay, so I can't believe we're doing this smell like I thought about doing that for so long and I remember thinking Nike.

01:20 If he's so great to do this with you, you know when we were first together. Yeah, I remember thinking that I might and I didn't know in what format. Do you know that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You didn't know anything about it, right? So just did you just like find out about it when it when I told you right? Okay. Well, that's that's an interesting format. So well, thank you for willing to do it with me for okay, so I kind of talked about it rain, so I kind of formulated some some questions around.

02:04 Maybe a little bit about us but more so probably about you kind of be quite honest.

02:15 But I'm not going to start about us and then like what what what are your what are your what are your Fondest Memories of Us?

02:23 Standings

02:27 Spending time talking all night. That's always going to be my

02:31 Some of my Fondest Memories

02:41 I think we didn't and that's we long for those days so that now we cherish and do it now like on the time all the time. I don't I don't I don't realize I coughed and we we we like how late we talked and how awesome you talk like. I'd like just like this little small table.

03:05 And I think like maybe when we have like a big house with a big cable like how different that would because right now it's just like this small little square. Yeah. I always do that and that was my initial like when we started when you started talking about coming over and doing this I was like, well, yeah now you're right.

03:40 I think we're able to persevere through a lot and

03:49 I'm proud of that we just

03:52 We made it.

03:55 Yeah, but we made it when able to be together.

04:00 So hard to be together.

04:09 Let's maintain our love like we do everyday. Yeah, it's very important.

04:14 You know how people are with us. Like how long has been together and I'd be a call. I don't know three and a half for years and then they think that while you're still

04:26 So like tender with each other ever so lonely with each other at night always I guess I'm kind of always like well, is it really a visit? Is it really is it really that surprising? I don't know like as if like as if it's

04:43 How is that not normal for other people, right.

04:56 I know I'm so grateful like this and what we do every day at home and just talking keeps it so focused agree.

05:09 What is your most?

05:14 Fondest Memories about

05:16 Being a father

05:21 Fatherhood

05:24 Idea, whether it's amazing. It's the most difficult thing about most rewarding thing. You can do it's hard to say how one's own feelings are when you're you know, you're holding your baby and you see your eyes inside inside your child's eyes. And those are kind of moments that imprint Nur on your soul make who you are make you the I think you know, if we make me the great dad that I am I hope

06:00 I know that's the kind of.

06:03 Thing I want us to have you think they'll that like your perspective changes about fatherhood as to get eyesight. Like as Mason got older, you know, like let's see how he is now versus what's a when he was like 10 or 5, you know desert like or does it just is the is the worry constantly. I just sent this to do those moments like that. I'm just I mean, I'm not her parent so which is why I'm kind of like. What does that change is a change over time involves a little and you know the end up when you no longer have that little person to take care of every single day.

06:49 To have them next to you if it's worrisome, even when they're adults in the house with us still worried about what he's doing every day making sure he's making the right choices that he's happy that he's loved by other people other than us and that he feels confident in himself. So I think all those no worries

07:18 List of all my thinking on it and yeah, I'm still worried. I'll always be that's part of being a parent.

07:30 And all the life you've given them she was safe life a comfortable life and that maybe isn't always so great. You know he could have

07:41 Been challenged a little more mentally socially and I'm exposing him to

07:49 Other things make his mind grow a little bit better, but might be regret.

07:54 When I lease a pretty good kid.

07:57 He's a great kid. He's a great kid. He's a pretty has a pretty good boy.

08:05 Do you have any like these would you do anything different like, you know, cuz we're we're talking about having kids now. Oh, wait, did you want more than one?

08:19 Do you know when it's kind of unfair?

08:29 If we can make one I never asked if we could make one we better go for two.

08:33 I said you wanted more than one more, you know.

08:37 Part of me

08:45 I guess part of me is like thinking let's just get to one first super lucky enough of that.

08:57 I don't think so. I was I was there for Mason. I want to be there for ours constantly, I think.

09:10 I don't know if I mean.

09:13 By the time I'm older supervolcano than

09:19 I want to see where we are, but I wouldn't change do something different. I don't think when I would do now making an improvement.

09:29 Price my patience has changed.

09:31 You know the number and it with our child. Yeah, I'll have a different season season perspective on.

09:41 Less worried

09:44 Less immediate like oh my God, what should I do with this situation or that situation I think and end up being

09:56 More more patient having a girl with change that though that would change it even more so, you know.

10:10 What?

10:12 I mean aside from like

10:14 Mason or myself what makes you feel connected to the life you have.

10:25 That's a difficult question cuz you know, I think I base some.

10:32 A base a lot of connection with the people that love me and that I love.

10:43 You know, it makes me sad for people who aren't loud because what else what else is living next to the ocean like we do makes me feel more connected and that piece for that. But yeah, I mean

11:10 I'm really connected to my loved ones. And so, you know.

11:18 I mean aside from being his father obviously, right? I mean if it's really

11:24 Hard to quantify and qualify because he's just my son I am.

11:31 As father is a natural and

11:41 I'm not but the only person I wouldn't say off all those are down there to their child. That's why I never understand but I just always considered it something that's

12:00 I can it couldn't be any other way.

12:05 I know you're a great father. I think I understand why she's still hold on to abandon all hope.

12:29 Angry and disappointed in what want to be separated from him for a while, but they always have those memories especially, you know, the generation that you know, you're from I mean, I think I often see.

12:50 And observe how much?

12:54 You know fathers are male sex struggle to stay connected to their kids, like really really truly struggle just sitting out of you know, like a dinner table. You know, I'm just so hard trying to understand their children or or just to stay like

13:15 You know in the moment that they even have a conversation or is he even ask something that's worth asking or worth knowing you know, but you're constantly asking Mason, you know about his life and what he feels and going through and what he's doing and how what he's eating and then all that I mean, he's couple Shades away from being 20 and you still like you still try so hard to stay connect with the with him and a four-month not just not just only being his father which is why I kind of like, I don't really worry about whether he's going to grow up be like a well-rounded individual or not. He ever going to be because you know, he has you and I liked it like to to constantly ground and then I think a question on a lot or to do that I think you know

14:15 Like a lot of

14:17 Dad's, I mean, my dad was a great guy but quiet that bad being there is safety right now. So it was a provider that and I think I a grandfather was like am or if I would like a door with me and work together go places together more like a buddy, you know, if I think you know, I wanted in a mix of all that and I'll try to icing it to supply it when I was

15:01 I don't have it, father. I think we don't I just learned from our parents either in a good way or a bad way and we just take off, you know, take things gleam information from and want to play it.

15:20 Yeah, do you?

15:24 What actually what makes you feel connected to me?

15:34 But our connection is not like we can never have anything wrong. Right like like a fight or something is such a horrible disconnect. It's so bad and we always seem to like make it go away as quickly as possible cry thinking about it. So I can't even be like for one instant disconnected from you. So what makes me feel connected to you is I know your smile your touch your charm.

16:15 The fact that you're happy and secure and feel good. Those are the connections that

16:23 That always bring me closer to you so I can never be.

16:28 Disconnect it so sweet of you.

16:36 Do you worry about?

16:38 You know as we talked about a child, we don't have any children know how they would do you worry about a future you can see.

16:45 Oh my gosh, I mean

16:48 Because you can kind of see it and you can't you know, you can't account. Right? Right, right. I was always like this like, yeah, I can plan my life for you always. Generation.

17:04 And even now you know, I thinking like okay. Okay, I can do this just 3849 and now we can have a couple of medical situations and we can put it all in order and then

17:16 And then it's no thank you. Help me deal with a lot of like

17:23 Indecisive not indecisiveness really but the things in the future that can't be seen, you know, you're great by my side to help to deal with that. I've lost confidence in the fact that I can't mold the future then I know it's still going to be okay.

17:43 I'm really a right to answer question for sure. I'm like worried that I can't necessarily the future.

17:54 Right now, I don't know if it's not necessary to say that like you got to have faith and kind of cheesy and lame but moreover just

18:07 You know, you just there are things you can't control but more but like trusting in like

18:16 Trusting in like maybe the relationship in the love we have for each other. That's probably like what's the driving force behind the peace? I feel about any future that we're going to have together. It's 100% are the driving force. If I mean now I want to make a you know, I love child, right if it doesn't happen, it's not because I don't love each other. It's our love is always been primary and it's all right. I mean I I want to

18:46 I want us to have that.

18:49 And I'm going to do all we can to do it now.

18:54 You were that we can't I worried that can't do I do.

19:00 But I don't worry. It's it's not a break a breaking point for us. I just it would be a disappointment for sure.

19:12 Yeah.

19:15 Haven't really talked talked about like a dog doing I guess we kind of did it in Broad strokes, but maybe because I don't know. I haven't thought about it so much more because I thought if we talked about a lot more adult-like, you know, but be the no plan am having a you know, you don't want to plan too much are plan a canal is good enough for sure fall through like over planning for Plan B. No mistakes like that like this like lost her off. Now what that would look like a terrified of it.

19:57 I think you know my age or your age and you're not old, but I'm certainly creeping up there where?

20:09 As we always talk about time, right? I mean it's speeds things up and makes as you know, it makes me start to worry about you know, the family that we can have some Usher Yeah.

20:25 I'm just worried about that. See you. You you you you always try so hard to like make me feel safe and loved the what what makes you feel safe.

20:42 And I think I'm I don't know why.

20:48 Why haven't I asked you that?

20:56 You're such a huge anchor for me that.

21:01 Yeah, and I bet X, you know, if as we both know where I'm just floating everywhere right and not even and not having you, you know by my side and end so

21:15 Error again babe. I'm a real Primary in making me feel safe.

21:27 That's not I don't want to live this life alone and you know.

21:32 At all and I and I done that for a while and it's when you don't have loved ones with you. It's quite a horrible feeling you like you were if you were to die for us. I'm just going to take me off the phone places in their eyes are crying right now.

22:08 Did you?

22:11 Did you ever think that your life would look like this?

22:15 You know, right I didn't like was it always for you originally initially in the pattern or did you did you think this is what happiness looks like?

22:27 I mean, that's a great question me. So I think you know what I have always talked about me planning things and having this plan and it but I've liked gone through these Cycles in my 50 years now and this is

22:42 Me at my happiest.

22:45 And dumb

22:48 With without having some like master plan, you know and I live in that unscripted life is really

22:58 Not too bad at all. He feel like you cheated a bit and all that like you're so happy and like the ladder like the other half of your your life or do you feel like something was taken from you that you weren't happy earlier Baltimore of electric feels like a reborn. I think you know what I know people my age seem like they're going to die and I don't feel that at all like the dying inside and then manifesting it.

23:34 Suffering that they go through on their own and just you know, I was a man and I were supposed to just accept what happened to us or change our destiny the kind of thing until we're very program to like

23:51 Try to fix things like our loved ones feel safe touch.

23:57 Are you are you proud of yourself? Like are you proud of like the life you've made for yourself? Yeah.

24:11 How many things found that?

24:15 IA love me proud that I have a son that's functional. Yeah. Yeah a lot.

24:40 Now that I'm in my car, I'm a I'm a good guy, you know sensitive guy a lot of guys are completely insensitive.

24:52 Do you think your your dad would have been proud?

24:56 When is proud of you right? I think so, did you guys have another situation though? It'll be really be hard to get it out of him what he meant by it. Like I said. You proud of me. I do not use his pretty quiet guy.

25:12 We have a DJ ever. Feel it though, you know, even if

25:21 Proud of me as a as a

25:25 Man husband and father. I think he saw that so then I would feel very secure in that. You know what we talked about before, you know, like with them being gone and I was like an initial shock cuz you really feel like what's your what's your orphaned per se?

25:48 I'll even with the worst parents of feels a little.

25:52 I think you're kind of glad it's over. But at the same time you're like, oh no, my my parents are here, you know experience.

26:05 You had a very like floating away and that you know, and then in the ocean by yourself.

26:12 Yeah.

26:13 I know that's what you know to not have you and I'd have my parents.

26:18 But all is like a

26:22 A big guy with a short very short, but very alarming scary time.

26:32 Personally

26:34 Yeah.

26:36 I don't know why you don't know where to go you just that I remember a time that you could barely like. I can lift my head up.

26:45 And I email you know, how when you feel like people are.

26:49 Like downtrodden like the word under he would do it and it's kind of like you just like I need to really do feel like the weight of your shoulders dry dragging you down to experience death back-to-back back to back like that God. I was like three in a row for you, right?

27:11 It was really hard. I mean didn't you just

27:15 And you know, how do you get through it? Right? Well, you just do what you have to have support, you know, and I was really glad you know, my sister was there I'm really happy that we got to eat get closer with her all these experiences.

27:34 I can't wait to share it with her. How in love we are.

27:41 That's a very short but

27:45 And I'm qualifying time cuz you feel very insecure. Yeah, you know 45 years old.

27:56 Ramen, ya just felt like having to be surrounded by so much.

28:03 Grief and loss not format, you know that your parents died like that in the very grandmother. I like that.

28:11 It's a very unfair.

28:15 It's an overwhelming feeling.

28:21 Dealing with your own emotions to dealing with

28:27 Stud them physically, you know it.

28:32 But the huge pile up, yeah.

28:37 I don't know if there's any you want word to

28:41 Encapsulated all you know?

28:46 Yeah, just something that went one kind of go through the motions

28:52 Until it's over and then you just kind of

28:55 Diesel repair as you go. Yeah, and it fades away. I absolutely will never fade, but it just gets better in overtime.

29:12 Do you know?

29:16 You

29:18 How do you want to be remembered, you know cuz you talk about mortality quite a bit. I don't know if you realize that something that you is there a certain way that you want to be remembered by or how or or or anything. Is there anything specific that pertains to anybody? I've always said you know that I think I know for a fact that were only

29:47 Remembered by how we know affect other people.

29:53 And that's the one thing I'm certain of and so.

29:59 I want to be remembered as a an amazing husband amazing person in an amazing. Dad and I was

30:12 I showed a lot of love and understanding.

30:19 And I think to select few people that's

30:24 That's what's going to count. I hope.

30:29 Do you feel like

30:30 You're at the latter half of your life. Absolutely even though I don't feel old.

30:42 I just I just know it, you know, 50 years goes click quickly. No idea like 3rd lifetime, you know, and I never really understood that as you know through the years of like people can have life cycles. It just never occurred to me and never I never knew anybody who ever talked about that. Then I can take me to actually just to live it to realize that I'm in the latter latter stages but like a new life cycle that has Demi just be sped up.

31:22 I only got a few more Good Year as they say, you know when you make me feel young.

31:40 Was there something?

31:44 Or anything that I can do that you thought that can make you feel more understood or more loved or a better life that we already have.

31:54 I think you know you're already doing it. I need you.

32:00 And then we live together in a form of understanding and no charger, man and

32:10 Expectations are

32:12 Are just human they're not like these falsified expectations of how I'm supposed to be, you know, you don't place any of that on me. So that's always been nothing for us that we understand even love that we have makes

32:31 Makes his life to the end. Perfect.

32:38 I am so proud of the life. You've given us and Logan and also the life that you work really hard to try to give us as well.

32:51 I'm really really proud of it so hard to tell like

32:57 Comfort Inn off for me

33:01 Yeah, I'm really really appreciate it. You make me want to do it.

33:11 Thank you for doing this with me. I mean, I know you had like a lot of like reservations about it.

33:24 Different and I I guess I'm

33:29 Old school, you know, I never and I don't even really listen to NPR to I know that's a cool thing to do in the stories. I mean, I think it's a it's very special for a minute.

34:04 Yeah, we're just always so private to so I wondered

34:10 What extent the song man so that that's all I never have any problem. Now he fell a little bit better about it now and it's adjusted in a different form.

34:29 Yeah, I've been happy to do it.