Strengthening Familial Ties: The Impact of Religious, Sexual, and Personal Identities

00:01 Hello, I'm Katharine Baker from Northampton neighbors, and I'm going to be interviewing Samantha Hano today. It's Monday, April 4, 2022. And it's just a little bit before 04:00.

00:19 I am Samantha Hano I am being interviewed by Katharine Baker. And again, it is Monday, April 1, at around 04:00 p.m. and my target audience for this interview is definitely, definitely my immediate family, particularly my grandparents, parents, and then siblings, if they watch it.

00:40 Great. Well, I think we share our target audiences. It's very similar, and we've had fun talking to each other, and I love our theme, which is about our families. So, do you want to start, Sam, with talking a little bit about what youre family of origin story is and how you learned it? Who told you about it?

01:04 Yeah, so I think I might have been a little different than other kids, and we talked about it briefly last time. But my favorite thing to do is talk to my grandparents and parents about where are we from, where did we come from? And I think it was always very important to my parents and grandparents for my siblings and I, my cousins and I to have a really strong understanding of our jewish heritage. Again, both of my parents are 100% jewish. Their parents are 100% jewish. I am jewish through and through. So I called my grandmother right before this to get a little refresher. But her parents on my mother's side, they're russian, so they were from Russia, came right over from Russia. And then my grandfather's parents came from Austria, and they came over a few years before the Holocaust had started. So they kind of gotten out just in time. And then on my dad's side, my last name, Hano is actually Dutch, so Dutch and Lithuanian. So very eastern european, very Ashkenazi Jew. I think my grandfather took a DNA test once, and it said 98% Ashkenazi Jews. Very confident, and it's very secure. Ignoring that I am from Eastern Europe, Eastern Europe through and through. So, Russia, Dutch, Lithuanian, Hungarian. Yeah. Austrian. And my grandparents were definitely the ones to tell me, to tell me all this information. I've asked, you know, my parents, grandparents consistently, where are we from? Let me see a family history. And my grandmother was really kind as to. I asked for my 21st birthday for a book of my family history. So she spent months and months and months putting together this beautiful, beautiful book with pictures and my grandfather's birth certificate, just talking about where my family was from and funny stories about, you know, my great grandparents and my uncles who passed. And it was just. I will always cherish that gift.

03:26 Fabulous. What a treasure.

03:30 Definitely.

03:31 And did with the jewish heritage. Did, was there a lot of religious practice that went with that, or was it mostly ethnic or. How would you describe that?

03:43 Yeah, mostly ethnic. I think it's a funny story as well. When I was in 6th grade, I had noticed all my friends going to their first communions and leaning into their christian, catholic, protestant heritage. I was like, I don't know what it means to be jewish. So I begged, begged, begged my dad if I could go to Hebrew school, Sunday school. I asked to go to Sunday school. I regretted it very soon after, but I begged to go to Sunday school, and I begged to be able to work with a rabbi to study for my bat mitzvah. And after that, he signed me and my two younger siblings up. And I feel bad because they got the short end of the stick because I only had to go to Hebrew school for one year, and they had to go for four years and then six years.

04:33 Wow. Did you learn Hebrew? Did you do your mitzvah in Hebrew?

04:38 I did, so I learned my Haftorah portion. And then you read out of the Torah as well. And what's interesting about the Torah itself is it doesn't have any vowels, so the Hebrew language usually has vowel distinctions, but with the Torah, you kind of have to memorize. So, yeah, and I loved it, and it was very special to me, special to my whole family.

05:00 It's such a wonderful event. I think that 13 year olds, you know, it's a terrible time of life when you're 13, but to have something so special as a. The bad or a bar mitzvah is just really wonderful. It's brilliant, to my view. Sounds like it was good for you. Went well. Yeah. So how would you, how have your family origins, histories, how has that affected your current values? How would you think of that, as these are factors that are in sort of woven into your identity, and I wondered how you see that.

05:40 I think something I'm really appreciative of, my grandparents, my parents, is just pride in who you are, pride in your religion, you know, there's no need to be ashamed or hide who you are or, you know, pardon my french, but take shit from anyone. You know, you have to feel confident in where you've come from, your ancestors, feel confident with who you are. And I think I just, my family's acceptance and I guess mastery of our family history has made me that much more appreciative of where we come from. I don't think a lot of families spend a lot of time going over, you know, exactly where your great grandparents were from and exactly what your religion means and what immigration means to your family. So I think it's really special that I have that knowledge and that my family's willing to give me that knowledge.

06:38 That's wonderful that they are so tuned into that, that you really picked it up. Not only picked it up, but you kind of internalized what they taught you. It became important part of who you are. So do you know when they came to the United States that you, these great grandparents?

07:01 Yeah. So my grandfather's parents came to the United States, I want to say the mid thirties. Yeah, early to mid thirties. And so did my grandmother on my, my mom's side. My mimi's parents also came over at that point. And what was really interesting about my great grandfather, his last name is Firemandhe when he came over, or. No, sorry, I misspoke. So my great great great, my great great grandparents came over, and so my great grandfather was born in the United States. He married my great grandmother. They had my, my mimi, and then they also had my late aunt Gail. And pretty soon after, I think almost immediately after my mimi was born, he was drafted into the military in world War two. So he was gone for a majority of her younger years. And a story that I think me saying it doesn't do it justice, but, you know, with a last name fireman that is of jewish descent, and he was captured by enemy soldiers and had to actually bury his dog tags so that they wouldn't know that he was jewish. Upon getting discharged, he was given a purple heart, so my grandma still has the medal.

08:32 Was he captured in Europe somewhere during that part of the war? I see a German. German soldiers captured him. How did he escape?

08:43 I think once the war had ended, I think once the United States occupied more german territory, I think he was just released from war, so eventually discharged, but, yeah.

09:00 Oh, goodness. That's an important part of the family story. To have him serving just after he'd been an immigrant, basically, and then having to join the army, that's. That's kind of an amazing experience. He was brave. Did that. So how. One of our questions was, how did I. The relationships that you formed with your grandparents and with your parents, how did those shape the kind of person that you have become as an adult?

09:37 Yeah, I love this question. I really do. And I think one thing that I didn't think I understood it enough as a child, but now I'm so appreciative of is my ability to connect with older individuals, I think I talked about how my grandparents, my mother's parents, live less than a mile away from me, and I would go over there two to three times a week. My grandmother would pick us up from school. We'd go over, we'd have dinner, and we were just still are incredibly close. I mean, they are my absolute most favorite people in the entire world. And I am so appreciative of the relationship I have with them. I mean, they are just honest, warm, funny people. And I think I try every single day not to take it for granted because I know that a lot of people my age don't have grandparents to be able to share that special relationship with.

10:38 And then your relationship with your parents kind of built on that. Or were your parents away working and so they just turned you over to your grandparents? How did that process go?

10:50 Yeah, I am very close with my parents. I think, you know, we had to go over to my grandparents house twice a week because both of my parents were working. My mom was a stay at home mom until my brother was born. So she worked, had me, and then stayed at home until my brother was born. And she switched careers. She was an event planner for biotech conferences and then switched to becoming a fitness instructor. So now she specializes in pilates for postpartum women and then older individuals with injuries. So she. But once she had started working, she would work at the local health club, and she couldn't take us to work with her every day. I mean, we went a few times a week, but she couldn't work. So my grandparents really, really stepped up and took on that role. Not to say that my relationship with my parents was detrimental very, very close to this day. And I think I meant to mention it in the past question about current values, but my parents in particular, I think honesty is number one. Openness and transparency, I think that comes into my household, is absolutely awestruck by the amount of openness and honesty that my family employs. If you are feeling sad, if you are angry, oh, you better tell the parents, because they will figure it out. Either way, I think they mean well sometimes. Again, at this point in my life, maybe they don't need to know everything about me, but openness, honesty, transparency, I mean, I'll go to my parents asking them for relationship advice. I don't think any other, any other person my age will do that. But I trust them. They know everything.

12:48 That's great. That's so nice to hear, you know, that. That it carries on across the generations from the grandparents to your parents. To you? Did you pick up some of the fitness stuff? I mean, did you go along with your mother in her new career? Did you go there and learn to do the stuff she does?

13:06 So that's. It's funny because when I was younger, I resent it. You know, I was like, I'm not going to be like my parents. I. I don't know why. I just. I wanted to be my own person. And whatever they did, I wanted to do the exact opposite. But, yeah, my mother's fitness instructor, my dad's in sales, and right now I teach spin at the recreation center at my school, and I'm going into sales for my career. I tried, but I guess not.

13:34 How's that for resistance?

13:37 I know.

13:37 Ideas. Yeah, that's great. That's great. Can you describe your siblings to me, who they are? How are they the same or different from you, and maybe how the relationship has evolved over time?

13:55 Yeah. So I think we spent a lot of time in our meetings talking about my siblings. Just, I think my relationship with them is pretty unique. I think similar in a lot of ways to other individuals, but also pretty unique. So I'm the oldest of, and I know we've talked about birth order a lot. So I think similar to your brother Harry. I carry that responsibility that almost. Yes, my parents definitely give me a lot of responsibility with my younger brother and sister, but I think I maybe internalize that a little too much. And I definitely take on the parental role my brother used to still does. When he wants to be mean, he's calling me mini momentous. So. Yeah, so I'm 22. My sister is about to turn 20, actually, in four days, and my brother is about to turn 16 next month. So we're pretty much. I'm six years older than my brother and then two years older than my sister. And when I was little, I was very close with my sister. You know, we were best friends. And I think that was really, really, really rare to see that we were inseparable, and they were two years apart all throughout middle school and high school. I mean, people would be like, oh, my goodness, how do you not fight? And we really didn't. I mean, she was. She still is the person I go to with. With everything, and she just. She understands me, and my brother understands me like. Like no one else will, unfortunately. I think if she sees this. I'm sorry, Zoe, but our relationship has. When I left for college, I think there was a little bit of resentment that she harbored. You know, my older sister is leaving me to go to school, and I'm not sure if she was really able to move past that. I think our relationship has been rocky for a few years. It's definitely healing. Definitely, definitely. I can see glimpses of us going back to what we were like in high school. Yeah, I think we. My entire family is just very, very strong spirited, strong willed, and that can result in a lot of clashes. And dissimilarly, my brother and I didn't used to be that close just because we were really far apart in age. I was six when he was born, so by the time that I went off to college, he wasn't even in middle school yet. So that was very difficult growing up. And I know my mom and my dad say, you know, my sister and I could have definitely done more to foster that relationship. But now, when he's 16 and I'm 22, we've gotten so, so close, and he's just the sweetest, most caring, empathetic kid ever. And I just. We always say he's so much wiser than his age. He. I forget that he's 16 because we just have these conversations. The understanding he has, the emotional capacity that he has is just fantastic. And I think we talked about it last time, but my brother and I are both not straight. You know, we're both gay. And he had come out years before me when he was nine years old. It's really, really rare that you see a younger brother, a younger sibling, come out before you, and he paved the way for his older sister to feel comfortable, you know, coming out. And I just will always be so grateful to him, and just, he's my hero, and I I don't tell him that enough, but he's got enough.

17:36 That's great. That's great. It is true. I had the same experience with my young sister, seven years younger. And then, you know, the amount of time, the years between the two of you becomes insignificant as you get older. It's important when you're in elementary school, but as you become adults, I'm sure you'll. The years will just collapse that are between you. Yeah, that's nice to hear that. And do you want to say anything about how the pandemic has affected your family relationships or how you interact with them?

18:15 Yeah, it is funny, because I didn't think that we could get closer before the pandemic started. And what do you know, we've gotten even more close. I think we spent a lot of time, especially from March of 2020 to before I left for school to move out to Northampton to live with my roommates. So from March to August, I spent every single day with my family, and I hadn't done that since middle, I mean, since I don't even remember when. I mean, spending pretty much 24 hours with my family. And that's tough. I mean, we are all very spirited, emotional, you know, stand in our own right individuals, and it was definitely hard. I could see how it definitely affected my dad pretty poorly, I think. He didn't get to go in person and work because he's in sales. So he spent a lot of time at home, and that really, really, really tough for him. So, you know, kind of having him around and, like, wanting to encourage him to go out and do things, but, you know, he couldn't go to work. And then, you know, my mom is home, but she has really bad ADHD, so she was jumping off the walls doing home projects, and then we got cats. And then my brother trying to start high school on Zoom, which is super tough. My sister's home from college, and she's mad that she can't have her first year at school. And it's just, I think a lot of emotions running really high. We also did, again, become really close. Just that openness and honesty and willingness to communicate about how we're feeling.

19:59 So you were in the household with your parents and sister and brother for how long?

20:08 Till March, April, May, June, July, for six months.

20:12 And then you got your. You went out, moved out and went to your own place. But were you also studying online or did you have any in person college?

20:23 I was studying online march, April and May, and then I had the summer off, but, yeah, everything was online.

20:32 And then in September, it started up again in person.

20:36 In September. No, it was online completely still online. But I. At least an apartment with my roommates in Northampton. And we're like, we have to move out here. You know, we have the apartment. And it was nice to, you know, be away from home. It felt like it was a place that I could go to have my school life. But, yeah, I think in that moment, if my mom sees this, this is. I always make fun of her for it, but even when I was at school, it was constant calls, you know, when are you coming home? You haven't seen us in, you know, a week. Come home, come home. Have dinner with us, stay over. Yeah. And I think my parents got used to me being around and maybe haven't.

21:19 Did you get tested? Did you get tested when you went home? Did everyone test?

21:23 Yeah, I had to get tested twice a week when I was out here, and school was remote because of an internship I had. So I had to get tested twice a week anyway. I would always make sure to get tested before I went home because I would see my parents.

21:40 Right, because you want to just be home and be totally relaxed and close and, you know, hugging everybody, and if you're afraid you're bringing in the virus, it just raises everyone's anxiety. So. So that. But the testing has helped a lot. Again, we all do that. What was your internship? What did you do?

22:01 So that internship was. I worked for a community health organization called Holyoke early access to recovery and treatment. So in that role, I actually go to the Holyoke district court twice a week, and I would sit in a courtroom and identify individuals that have been arrested for drug possession. So specifically, like opioids, so heroin, methamphetamine, and I would, you know, bring them into my office, my office, this little room, little court hearing room that we had. And our role as interns was to connect these individuals to recovery treatment for their opioid use disorder, to kind of divert them from that path of, you know, returning to court, returning to prison. So connecting them to a recovery coach, to a physician to share imperative resources about where they can go to get Narcan, which, like, almost like an insulin shot that goes up your nose to reverse the effects of an overdose, you know, different community resources, hospitals nearby that could treat them.

23:05 So that was definitely public health internship. That's fabulous.

23:09 Yeah, very, very public health. Very community oriented. Yeah.

23:14 And that would maybe fit also with some of your family values about community. Yeah, I guess being part of that.

23:21 Yeah, yeah, definitely. My mother in particular, I think a value that she really embodies is being there for everyone. I mean, really just the most selfless person. Just do anything for anyone. I mean, just so caring and dedicated. And I can see that it drains her, and it takes a lot out of her, but she can't help herself. She's just so supportive, invested in other people's well being, especially her children. She's a mama bear, for sure.

23:54 We're a little bit like her, maybe in also wanting to help people. Yeah. Nice.

24:00 Definitely.

24:01 So the question of this is kind of an imaginary thing, because it's about the future. For me, it was about the past, but for you, it's about the future. How you would see yourself integrating the kinds of values you picked up from your family and involve project those on, teach those on to your future family and how these learned family values will get passed on to whatever next generation or whatever family, you eventually decide you want to make.

24:44 Yeah. And I've thought about this a lot, and I love this question. I guess, first, to start with religion, you know, people ask me all the time, like, does it. Is it important that you marry someone that is also jewish, or is it important that your. Your children get bat mitzvahed? I don't necessarily know the answer to that question yet. I think the cultural aspect of being Jewish is just so important because I love the idea of being able to go to my temple, my synagogue, and know that everyone there is jewish when it's super, super rare in the United States. So I think that cultural, that social aspect of Judaism, I think, is really important to pass on to my future family. And then in terms of just values, I think honesty is something that I just, I think, is the cornerstone of my personality and the cornerstone of my family dynamics. And I think honesty is incredibly important, and I will definitely carry that through. And in the same manner, confidence in being your own person, you know, not being ashamed to really own who you are, be willing to communicate your feelings and emotions openly, take pride in who you are. I think are incredibly important values that my parents have taught me. And I think, in a similar sense, it might be trivial, but I think my parents have done an incredible job of allowing us to be confident in our bodies, confident in who we are. Especially for me, because I had mentioned I was born really early and had medical issues early on in my life. And as a result, I have physical scars on my abs and my stomach. And I think learning to own my scars and learning to be proud of my past and being willing to push through that adversity, you know, maybe, you know, again, my dad, in some ways, you know, he says, get it done. That might not be the best way to go about it, but I know, I know he means well. So.

26:55 The. The. Also the family and the kind of community service that you've learned from your mom, that would be an important one, too, wouldn't it? You'd want to project that into whatever kind of family unit or structure that you decide that you want to have eventually. Do you think you want to have as a family, something you want to want to have and do? Yeah, definitely.

27:23 My mom always. My family's always like, I have baby fever. I do, and I know, and I'm 2020. It's a long way. I just. It's something that I always knew that I wanted, have my own biological children to be able to raise a family, to have a partner. Very, very.

27:42 Yeah, it is. Exciting to feel that you have that, you know, that option is out there. I mean, not everybody should feel pressed or obliged to create another family, but if you've had good relationships in your family, you often want to pass those on to the next generation, which is, you know, the future of the world is going to happen in those next families. So it's a wonderful kind of a goal to have, especially when you feel so grounded in your own family values.

28:21 And even the flaw, I don't want to say, you know, even the flaws, even the mistakes that might. Yeah, I can know, you know, all good intentions to learn from their mistakes and.

28:32 Sure. Absolutely. Absolutely.

28:35 Deal with that adversity.

28:37 Yeah.

28:38 Stronger person, a stronger future caretaker, caregiver.

28:43 Yeah, yeah, exactly. Great. And I think majoring in public health just seems to me like to be a really wonderful kind of expression of these values that you're talking about. What you take, what you learn in school is also reaffirming what you learned as you grew up in your family. I had somewhat the same experience because what I studied was, well, I studied music, but then I also studied social work, and social work led me to family therapy. So those were very congruent for me. Oh, definitely that what I learned. Yeah. And then what I experienced. So it carries on.

29:26 It really does.

29:28 We ended up being very. You and I ended up having a lot of similarities. I don't know how Gloria figured out who she was going to match us with, but we share a lot. We definitely do. It's been fun.

29:41 It's been so fun. And we share a lot. And it's, you know, I think a lot of people my age have this misconception about older individuals, whether it be their parents, grandparents, you know, you don't know. It's like. Like we are so far apart in age that we grew up in different times, but it's really. Everyone's just human.

30:00 Yeah, exactly.

30:02 Everyone has, you know, a family, or most people, you know, have a family that they care about and have learned these values that carry through this sense of happiness and pride and love, and that's. That's all that makes us human. That's all that matters.

30:19 The connections are there, and they. They give strength because life does have its ups and downs. It has all sorts of things get thrown at you that you might not expect. And, you know, here you're. You're talking to someone in. In her eighties, and I certainly remember, well, when I was 22, but many things happened that I would never have expected from 22 to 83. And having family relationships has been a very, very strong, sustaining thing for me, and I'm sure it will be for you, too.

30:55 And it's something you can't predict. I mean, you know, what your children were going to be like, what your grandchildren were going to be like. That's a question never answered.

31:07 Right. Good. Well, this has been fun. Let's see. Have we come to the end of your interview? Is there anything else that you want me to add?