Talking with a New Friend

00:03 Hi. My name is Camille Beckett, and I'm interviewing Marcie Yoss on April 29, 2022. And I'm an Amherst, Ma.

00:11 And I'm Marcie Yoss and I'm being interviewed by and interviewing Camille Beckett. And I'm in Florence, Massachusetts.

00:23 Okay, so first, I'm going to start by asking you what has been the most pivotal points in your life?

00:32 There's, like, so many moments that have been pivotal, and certainly my early years had a lot of difficult things. But probably the most important thing in my life has been meeting my husband and my marriage that has been incredibly sustaining and growing and an amazing adventure. We feel like we're on a journey together. So we've been together 40 years, and it's better all the time.

01:04 And do you want to talk a little bit about how you met your husband?

01:08 I can. We actually took a class together in college in 1973, but it was a big class, a big chemistry class, and there were probably 150 people. And I was sitting in the third row, and he was way in the back, and he says he wasn't ready for me then, so we didn't meet them, but we met in 1981 in Fayetteville, North Carolina. I was a resident in family medicine at Duke, and I was a second year, and a second year had to go down to the affiliated program in Fayetteville and supervise the medicine service for a month. And I didn't want to go, and I didn't want to go, and I tried to get out of it, but I didn't get out of it, and I went down. And he was a first year resident there, and I was running a lot then. That was kind of. It was easy exercise. You just go out the door. And it was November in North Carolina, and I started running with one of his fellow residents, who happened to be a native north carolinian, and he thought it was just too cold to run in North Carolina in November. And then Barry started running with me, and he said the first day he saw me at rounds, I looked familiar. I was wearing birkenstocks and a down vest, and very few people in Fayetteville at that hospital were wearing that. And I was eating granola and yogurt. Again, very unusual in Fayetteville. We actually ended up getting married three years later in Fayetteville, and we met the only rabbi in Fayetteville because we're both jewish. And he had never done a wedding. He had done a lot of funerals. Fort Bragg is right there. And he had done a lot of funerals, but never done a wedding. He was very excited.

03:00 And what impact do you think your husband has had on your life?

03:04 I think it's just an ongoing conversation and incredible sharing of the day to day. Yeah. Yes. And you know we're different in some ways and. But I think that we have led each other grow to become who we are to be. You know, I can give you an example of some difficult times and how he responded. We have three sons. They are 32, 36 and 38. And when the older two who are 22 months apart, the first year we two of them, we were both working. It was endless to do and he was finding time to play basketball and run and I was getting angry and what he did is he pushed me out the door to start running too. That was how he dealt with it. So I feel like that was an example of. I think we each try to help each other become who we are to be.

04:07 I love how you guys. It seems that you balance each other out really nice.

04:11 Yeah. And we are different in some ways but it's, you know, who would have known that it's. And you know I do believe it feels better now than ever and I don't know, I don't know how to explain it. Maybe we know we're more secure in who we are. We're not trying to be as much anyone. We're not. And we enjoy each other's company. Thank goodness. Given the pandemic.

04:40 Do you believe in soul mates?

04:43 You know, I don't think there's just one soulmate we share. The other thing he and I really share and I think this is very deep in us. Both of us had major losses. Me when I was twelve and he when he was eleven. So developmentally we were probably. My sister died suddenly when I was twelve. She was hit by a car and when he was eleven his father had a heart attack and died just out of nowhere. So I think at that kind of young adolescent age both of us were just acutely aware of the fragility of life and how not to take things for granted, not to take each other for granted in a really deep way.

05:29 And how do you think those events changed your perspective on life?

05:38 I think it kind of makes me not take things for granted as much. Certainly not take my health for granted, not take that my loved ones are going to still be there and just try to savor the moments I have because nothing's guaranteed.

06:00 So do you want to talk about a little bit about what you do professionally?

06:04 Sure. So I trained as a family physician and so I started my. So I did my residency at Duke, and then I worked for a while in a. Barry was finishing his training. We were in Fayetteville, and I moved to Fayetteville, and I worked in a trailer in Grays Creek, North Carolina, in a tobacco field. And then after a couple of years, we ended up moving to western mass. I got a job at Smith doing College health, which I did for eight years. And it was a really great time because we already had one young child, and I had two more babies during those years I was at Smith, and I really enjoyed taking care of Smith students, and it gave me an unbelievable schedule for a doctor. I had a three months off every summer, and I had all the school holidays off. And my husband was working. He would look for a family medicine job, and there were no part time family medicine jobs then. So he started working in ERS because he could do shifts. Cause he wanted to be involved in his kid's life. He didn't wanna be just there occasionally. So he started working at Holyoke Medical center. It was Holyoke hospital back then, in the ER, three shifts a week. He did a lot of nights and weekends, and I worked half time during the week. And we were both very much present parents. And then after eight years, because we're a little older, I went to Worthington Health center, which is a Hilltown community health center in Worthington, for eight years. And then I worked at Bay State in their local family practice here in Northampton for 18 years. So I've been in PR. I was in primary care since medical school for about 38 years, and I left primary care in 2018. I had taken care of my mom, who was living with dementia, and I became really interested in working with people with dementia. Nothing I learned in medical school helped me know how to make her life better. So I became connected with this woman named Tipa Snow, who's an occupational therapist who's developed an extensive program called positive approach to care, training people to improve the lives of people living with dementia, meet them where they're at, make the parts of the brains that still work, interact with that part of them. So I got trained with her and became a dementia consultant and re certify every year. And then I somehow I ended up meeting someone who is a medical director at a number of local nursing homes. So I've been working two days a week the last three years in local nursing homes, and I am really enjoying it. So I feel like it's ideal for this time of my life when I'm the age that many of my peers retire. But I still get to two days a week, use skills that I've spent decades developing, and I feel I like. I work with a lot of nurse practitioners, some of whom are young and just in training, and I really love collaborating with them and helping them grow.

09:24 I think it's really great how you're able to put your knowledge towards different fields and especially towards dementia patients. I think it's super admirable and super, super important to have people like you in the world.

09:38 Oh, thank you. I feel lucky to get to do this. Really lucky.

09:44 And I think that's one of the best parts of life, is when you're so passionate about something that you feel lucky to have the opportunity to even get to do it, even if some people would call it a job. So what made you go into medicine, and how has it impacted your life since?

10:03 Well, I think I was. I don't know how you say this. I think my father decided to. I was supposed to be a doctor. My sister was supposed to be a lawyer. My brother was supposed to take over his business. And I really fought it. And actually, I didn't take any biology or chemistry my first year in college, and I actually became active in the student counseling service. It's called room 13, where I went to school. And then I kind of was struggling. Did I want to go into psychology? I think part of me. So I went to. There was a bureau of study council, and I went and kind of talked to a counselor, and they gave me some kind of career options test, and it came out suggesting I either become a physician or a psychologist. And I just. I think I just felt like it was okay not to fight it anymore. Even though that's what he thought I should do, it was okay for me to want it. So I. That summer, I actually worked in a labor and delivery room and got really excited. I thought I wanted to go into obstetrics. I thought this was, like, miraculous and so exciting, and I want to be a part of that miracle, facilitating that miracle. And actually, once I went to medical school, I realized at that time there was a real hierarchy in operating rooms, and gynecologists spent a lot of time in operating rooms. There probably still is, but not quite so much. And it was, you know, I really didn't want to be in that kind of environment. So I felt like family medicine was a good option for me because it was about relationships, and I treasure the relationships I've had with so many people and so many families over decades. And in this community, in this valley here, I bump into former patients in so many different ways. It's really. I feel like I'm seeing old friends and family.

12:09 Do you ever wish you continued the path towards psychology?

12:14 I liked the hands on. You know, it's. There's something. And the variety of ways that you can connect with someone. With some people, the verbal interaction, and for some people, it's feeling their belly or even just a hand on a shoulder while you're listening to the lungs. That I liked the flexibility of being able to sense the situation and connect with what felt appropriate. I really liked the versatility.

12:46 That's awesome. So what would you say is one of the highlights of your professional career?

12:52 You know, that's really hard. I think there's a lot of them. I think it's a. It's all relationship based. Seeing how the times that I could make a difference, even just being there and listening or being present when someone was going through something difficult. When I think of my days now in my work now, a highlight might be I was on a unit where there are several amputees in a rehab unit and seeing two men in wheelchairs with amputations, one of them helping the other put a covering over his stump. And I mean, just. And to me, the highlight was just being a witness to that. I feel like I get to be a witness to really special things.

13:55 That is such a good way to look at your job in any position you've been in in your life. So let's transition a little bit here. How do you think loneliness has impacted your life?

14:10 Oh, I think that. I think that I felt alone a lot, certainly growing up. I grew up in a family where my father suffered from severe depressions and made suicide attempts. My sister died, and my brother ended up suiciding. So there was a lot of times that I felt really alone. And my family, actually, a year and a half after my sister died, moved to another town because it was too hard for them to be the family where their daughter died. And so I lost all my friends. So I remember, um, just a lot of really lonely times then. Um, and I. I get a lot of vicarious pleasure when I hear about other people's relationships with their siblings. I love watching my three sons support each other. They are really sweet with each other. I loved hearing about you and your siblings, and we'll talk more about that soon. I just, um. So. So, loneliness. Um. I have to say that I think loneliness. There are times that when I feel lonely, I try to see it as a signal that I need to reach out. So when I. But so it. And honestly, since I met my husband, I haven't had the kind of loneliness I had before that, even though I was in other relationships before. And certainly when we were bringing up our family, there was no time to feel lonely. And now, certainly during the pandemic, I kind of missed community. But I'm okay with being with myself, and I do think it's because I have him and we have this ongoing dialogue and ongoing conversation so that I don't feel as lonely as I did for so many years. Remember being lonely in medical school? I remember being lonely in college. And also high school was a particularly hard time because I just lost my sister and then I lost all my friends.

16:19 And how do you think loneliness has affected people within your field of work?

16:25 Oh, I think loneliness is really hard. I have seen it in spades in the facilities during COVID people with cognitive impairment and even people without cognitive impairment. Initially, everyone was stuck in their rooms. It was really awful. And during the second wave of. Maybe it was the third wave during Omicron, when a lot of residents who got Covid two years ago got it again, or maybe a year ago got it again, they weren't, excuse me, sick this time, but they couldn't stand being isolated. They couldn't stand being stuck in their rooms. Now when I go on a dementia unit and I see the residents are in the common area, kind of aware of each other, kind of not, but they're together. Oh, it feels so much better.

17:21 That's awesome. So what point of your life do you think you had the greatest acceptance for yourself?

17:28 I think now I think it's. It's still a process. It's still a process, but it's getting better. You know, there's always, you know, I think it goes on forever for me. I think it'll go on forever, but I feel more accepting of myself now than ever.

17:50 And how would you describe that feeling?

17:56 It's a little bit of a relief in some ways, you know, because I was always, and I think for me, I have a lot of survivor guilt that I still have, but I think I always felt like I'm still here. My brother's not here. My sister's not here. Why am I still here? I need to make a difference. I need to do something.

18:20 Do you think that, like, you were put on earth for a purpose? That you're still here for a purpose?

18:27 I don't know. I feel like. I don't know if I was put here or if it just ended up that way or I've just been lucky. I had a couple of close calls here and there. You know, I think I've been lucky. They weren't so lucky.

18:45 Well, I definitely think there's a reason you're here, and I think you've done so many important and courageous and impressive things in your life, and you definitely deserve the validation to hear that. And I think that, I know it's almost impossible to not feel that, like, sense of guilt and that survivor survivor guilt that will probably lay on you for the rest of your life or whatnot and how you feel. But I, as someone who believes that everyone's here for a purpose and there's a reason for everything, I really do think that you are here for a reason, and you've been here for a reason, and you really have succeeded in being the absolute best version of yourself, regardless of your situation.

19:34 Thank you.