Teresa Wenum and Marisa Wenum

00:00 Teresa wenum, I'm 56 years old. Today is Saturday June 20th, 2020. We're here in Kalispell Montana and the name of my conversation partner is my daughter Marisa wenum.

00:22 But heat introduce yourself and it Saturday June 20th 2020 and I were here home in Kalispell, Montana.

01:03 Everything is going on in the world and all of your accomplishments here as a senior at Montana State University to Spring and your dad and I would really looking forward to spending celebrating that with you graduation with Mackenzie, and they're all looking forward to that kind of change.

01:43 But that's that's why I wanted to rip me off thinking with your share today your thoughts of like when did you know that your life that was going to change her that things were changing their at school for you the spring when it just you really noticed. It seems like it was so far away at first cuz it was happening in some of the other big cities. And so no one really thought that it would happen up here or you know, Montana State University would get affected to the right that are dead and I just remembered I was volunteering in the admissions office as a tour guide and I kind of got a little bit of insight on how the school was handling and maybe with some other plans we're going to be moving forward and I just remember it happening so fast, you know one day they were talking about how many classes but potentially live online if things were going crazy and then Within

02:43 Next 24 hours at made the decision and everything looked really fast and then I came home for spring break and I was supposed to be doing an internship sure in Kalispell for spring break and I remember trying to get all that figured out and trying to communicate with the internship site and was going to happen and I remember it being cancelled and I remember the one back in Bozeman being canceled and then within a couple days I think switched and all of a sudden everything was online and I didn't have an internship anymore and I had all of these hours I needed to finish before the end of the semester and I need to take everything out. So at that point expecially those first couple days with in spring break is just so crazy because everything

03:34 I remember I remember how stressful that was Ring still even it was still really unknown whether or not be able to continue and I remember all of us just sitting around the table trying to figure it out know whether you were to find out if they were there already issues anyway.

04:11 That just seems like that just changed so quickly. Whole week.

04:16 How to make you feel well, I was already really stressed out about it to begin with because you're right there was a bunch of other things that were kind of going against me with the internship, but when I found out, you know, I had both of those two sites are canceled and they were you know, taking her pulling kids out of the internship sites for the rest of the semester is really stressful because I was really relying on that for the end of like after graduation. I was really relying on all that experience because I mean throughout the end of the first three years they tell you all you're going to do your Capstone internship project on senior year was the wait until I tell your senior year to get all that stuff figured out and it's all going to work out and you'll have so much experience from that and so for me, it was really stressful because I had waited until that last message to get all that experiencing to get all that Hands-On knowledge that I was supposed to have before I graduated and so when it was all canceled, it was really stressful because that's what I was really relying on and that's what I had built up for for the

05:16 Last three years and some not being able to have that was really stressful especially going into graduation.

05:25 Yeah, and then the whole graduation everything like you and Wyatt to spent in the apartment doing all the online to finish and I don't know. Where is it disconnected. Did you feel how did you feel just being?

05:48 It wasn't what I mean for me finishing up my senior year. It was kind of I was almost done anyway, so it really didn't change too much except for I wasn't doing on like in person Labs anymore since I wasn't able to do some of those last projects that I was relying on as well, but going online. It was just kind of at that point. It was almost like it was over. Anyways, even though we still had

06:13 4 weeks of online classes at that point. It just felt like it was over and there wasn't really anything to do except for the daily stuff that you had to go and make sure you were turning in on time. But I mean there are whole routine was just totally turned upside down and we just yeah, we didn't do anything. We just stayed in the apartment and just did our daily sucks and then came back home in Bozeman has specially asked how was it?

06:56 Hobby not stay home. And then I swear around because I know during spring break. They told that we're living in the dorms. They told him we don't recommend you coming back when you can schedule time to come back at a different date to get all your belongings that we left in the dorm. So it's kind of weird going back in just seeing how everything was so different maybe not so much the city itself, but just like campus and how it wasn't busy and there was any cars and there just wasn't any people and for me like working in the admissions office. I what didn't have a job anymore and I wasn't able to go and continue that which was kind of something. I was looking forward to for the rest of the year as well. So it was really different and the community of Bozeman itself. It's really interesting to see it cuz there's two different sizes who who are supporting the stay-at-home orders and let people who were against it and so it was really interesting to see how

07:56 That was happening within the community and for like my perspective and just being there was so confusing. There was just so many things going on and I was trying to figure out all these other things at one time and so is just really hard to manage everything it through all that cuz we were here in Kalispell that it was possible to get a routine going.

08:41 How to finish up school and I'm proud I'm proud of you that you did it through all that and

08:51 And now I feel like I didn't do it though. It's kind of a weird feeling because you know, you look forward to the end of your your college experience me look for it's that big graduation, It's so exciting in those last couple weeks. There's always so much energy and everyone is so excited and so supportive of each other but when something like this happens and everything is totally not ruins, but it's just turned upside down and no one knows what's going on and no one knows how to handle it and no one knows what graduation is going to be like or if there's even going to be a big celebration and then you just have to it just feels like it's not exciting anymore and it's so draining too because then you're like while I just spent the last three years really working my butt off and I really, you know pushed for that moment and now it's just so much chaos and it's just so confusing and you don't really know what's going on and then you're supposed to graduate but that's kind of ruins. And so that was the other thing because even at Spring break

09:51 Happen or not. So there was this weird funky time even at home mom be doing the internet was at that point in time. We're just kind of came out. We all got the email.

10:25 Did it make you feel I cried? I mean I did because it was I knew it was going to happen. Like I knew they were going to cancel graduation.

10:37 We're going to be.

10:40 Changed but when they sent out that official email I kind of let us know what the alternative plans where you are sending us a graduation in the box and sending us no emails in the virtual graduation information. It was just so

10:55 It was kind of just heartbreaking because you did I work so hard for it and I was looking forward to that moment and you know everything that was going to happen after and it was just kind of devastating to actually do the things aren't going to work out.

11:12 Yeah, I remember. Yeah, I remember. I'm so sorry. I know I remembered remembers us getting my remember doing that Facebook post can tell you how this is not how we wanted it to be but it was going to be okay and we would you would find a way for it. Would it be? Okay and I know Aunt Debbie and I know we didn't really look for it to help you but we did though cuz he bias.

11:51 Set up.

11:52 Graduation party in the park with me here and surprise me with that and I was really special because it was something because it was riding with everything going on. It was important to have something like that happen with all our friends and our neighbors cheered me on with their masks on social distancing surreal moment to know all this is how this is how it's going to be. So that was really special surprise me with that moment. It was really fun. It was it was a lot of fun sharing that with you and we had worked on it for a number of weeks before and then there was all this flirting. I think the anticipation is like oh my gosh, so it was it was that's even through all of that. That was really special to see you.

12:52 See the ceremony the virtual sermon topics family from far and see your face as everyone was outside having you come out and walk down with it was just for you. It was really it was really special. It was fun to celebrate that with you. We're proud of you one just everything about that, you know having the online for till graduation. It was almost too cheesy because I felt about the picture.

13:49 I'm at professors give their little speech or you know, listening to some of the counselors give their you know, their guidance and their inspiration for moving forward. I was almost

14:03 It was almost just so confusing and almost just disappointing because they were trying their best, but they it just almost made it.

14:12 Too much and then giving us the opportunity to walk for graduation in December was almost.

14:22 It was just kind of made me so irritated because I know they were trying to give us a moment of be no walking on stage. But the fact that they offering us to walk in December with a totally different graduating class. It almost takes away from their celebration because and everyone's going to be focused on all these other poor students we get there walk, but then it's also frustrating for us who graduated because that's 6 months later and at that point P A lot of people are starting their new jobs. They might have moved across the country or at that point. It's just not special anymore. And so it's frustrating because that's not what we want. And I know that they were trying to give us something but it's just frustrating because it's not the same and at that point it's the celebration over and then you're taking away from a different class and

15:15 It was just disappointing that they thought that would be

15:21 The way to the celebrate why I remember that day that graduation day that we had and there were two there were cheers. So there were the cheers what watching after watching the online that was a little bit of

15:41 And then your dad and I were really touched his in after everybody was out there and we had this big thing and watching your face like up when you're outside and the picture that's in my mind is like when you're up in the air and coming down and your face was just so lit up as you came walking around. That's what it was all about. And those were when you came and those tears of joy and feeling special and how all of us could still be there to celebrate and celebrate your accomplishments and our family are at least tell me her score of us and some friends.

16:40 We can send it. I think you're right. I think it made it. You said it earlier when we were talking to that day that just made it special because it was all about you. You got to throw your hat and everyone was cheering just for you. So that wasn't that was kind of cool. There was all the people that I felt so bad because you're right and I me and Mackenzie weren't able to fly out and I really missed out on such a fun weekend, but it was really special in everyone made it really special.

17:17 Considering the fact. Well, there's future celebrations. That's when we all have our larger going away. Well with everybody just have lots to celebrate when we get other things that we missed. Ya like there was just so much going on and when

17:44 So back in February when you were hoping you had breast cancer and you were going to start all of that and I know that happened really fast for you at the same time that was happening for you. Everything else was kind of starting up here and they were things are getting really bad and they decided to do the stay-at-home order and you were just starting, you know, just got done with surgery and you are going to get ready to start treatment. How did that make you feel?

18:16 It's been kind of like you said that's too real and to have sex cancer diagnosis on top of everything else that then it it has been one game. Thank you for asking. I am all we need it and I just feel really thankful that I was able to have the surgery before everything really kind here with my sister on tana. And so that was done and then my radiation treatment I just feel very grateful that they continue with it Hospital could still continue that I could still go and get them done for even though it was

18:58 I'm not scary as such but a little uncomfortable and

19:07 I was just thankful. I was grateful that I could still continue. I think what it did do though it really it was my whole house to carry. I guess that's I don't know. It really kind of it's a mess with the ice palace with knowing that you had that and the cancer diagnosis in your getting that treated and taken care of in the covid-19 to balance all that to still feel like you're healthy and you're going to stay healthy.

19:40 It made me look more interest and I know it made me more anxious than I normally just to try and stay at the house.

19:54 Yeah, it was strange. The whole thing is just everything is turned upside down like that. I just feel really grateful for all the support that everybody on my whole family all of you. I told you how thankful. I was every time you would you would text me from Bozeman, you know, you would text me and you call me just on those times just say hey Mom. How are you doing? How's it going today? And I really appreciate that.

20:26 I really helped having all the family there and then on friends that would reach out cards, you know and notes and so. Really need different small of it cuz it does isolating and you put that on top of it. So and then working from home to so thank you for what you did to help make it easy.

20:53 Help me get through that.

20:58 That make you feel like cuz I know when I was talking with Dad about it. He was telling me that he was really disappointed because he felt really bad because he told you that when you were doing radiation, he would be there for every single pointment and with everything going on in him not allow it like not being allowed to go into the hospital and having to sit in the car. He told me that it was just really hard for him because he felt like he wasn't being supportive enough actually go inside and I just want to know how does

21:28 I know like it must have been scary have to go in there by yourself and deal with that and I know you got into a pretty good routine, you know, you would go in there and then you go take your walk after and just how did that feel did you feel like you were ever kind of alone going to not just because you were a little isolated when you had to go.

21:52 It worked out cuz I know that he really wanted to even know they were quick and then after when I got into the routine is doing them every day and I felt good cuz I knew that I got up first thing in the morning. That's when I went and I did and all the staff the nurses and the radiation oncology center work-rate and

22:32 Everyone has masks and they were Everyone is always very supportive and afterwards I'm going to buy past that help me just clear my head and just stay mentally. To help get me through to let's just having that self-care peace there, but it was it was weird. It was challenging cuz it was this mess it was just the head into of knowing why you were there and what it meant and wanted to say hello.

23:33 It just means you more Super it just make me again more anxious. Just wanting to be careful.

23:46 Virginia black

23:53 To make you feel now that you've finished up radiation in your kind of moved on to the next stop and I know

24:00 Kisses are coming by Butte Montana, especially like the five Italian. How does that make you feel now? I know you're done, you know what surgery and you're done with radiation, but you maybe you're still feeling that you're still feeling like your health is maybe a little more at risk. So how does that how's that making you feel?

24:20 I have to admit that it does I think in any normal time after I finished up cuz I don't have any adverse side effects right now. I think if it was any normal time, I wouldn't feel as bad as I was when I was going through treatment, but I do I still notice that I

25:05 I have control over to keep myself healthy.

25:11 And

25:14 I gen I want to see you cuz you're here living in the house. This is around and think that you were going to be here as opposed to Bozeman doing something different.

25:46 Opportunities that I might have gotten through an internship, but when I don't have anymore and there was no

25:54 I mean coming home and just being here with family.

25:59 I need something to do here and then like cleaning up my internship this Summer that really worked out and that was an amazing opportunity tonight. I'm forever thankful for but just it it was all different coming back here. Cuz I mean Wyatt and I were taking care of ourselves and we were being smart about her house. And you know when we went out to the grocery store or whatever we need to do and isolating and but then coming back here and having to remember. Okay. Yeah, right. There is for other people here now and I have to be a little bit more careful or you're finishing up radiation. And so I need to be even more careful than I was before now. It's a little different and

26:39 I felt a little overwhelmed because I was kind of thrown into a little bit and I wanted to be really supportive of your mom. I really did. It was just I had so many habits that I thought were clean and safe and then I come here and like all I really need to focus on that and I'm still reminds me every day. I am still working on some of it was so cute.

27:06 So it was kind of difficult.

27:13 Yeah, that was a little it was something I had to really pay attention to you and slow down. I mean why and I wear the saying about taking care of ourselves, but it's a smaller apartment and there's

27:40 Still struggling with that a little bit.

27:52 Do you feel like you've had a chance to unwind and really think about everything that you went through the last couple months or do you feel like you have been working at home? And then having to start with your employer that you took on this summer and having to figure out what you're going to do with them you feel like you ever have a chance to just kind of sit back and say okay. I had breast cancer. That is I'm healthy and I'm healing now you feel like you ever had a chance.

28:28 Online didn't let yourself.

28:32 I don't know if I totally have I mean to some degree it's has been this quiet. We've had some quiet time because I have been working at home and it's so many things have been canceled and changed and adjusted. So there's quieter time. So I've had some maybe more reflection time that I would normally do because so many things have changed but like you said change it like I'm at work. I don't think I have this weird.

29:15 Trapped in this weird Time Warp kind of thing that you think that this is going to be done. But then you begin to realize it's not done and it's just continuing on one of my teacher friends who said that she was shocked when they started teaching remote stuck in the middle of March and she didn't even change her calendar and tell her kids. She said goodbye to your kids cuz that's true. I feel like I'm like, you're stuck like

30:15 No, but it's the story of it and we are starting to move on but you're still I guess just adapting to adapt to The New Normal.

30:30 I don't know. That's a good question. Sometimes I

30:36 I totally have

30:38 Just because there's so much other stuff that's been going on if I really had a chance to

30:46 Thanks for that. I'm just trying to move forward, you know move forward to be healthy and stay healthy and want to help others.

31:10 I'm happy that you did your internship worked out here for this summer.

31:15 Things happen in the right time starting because you want them to happen when they're supposed to happen in your mind and it's really frustrating when that's my workout and you should go down and you just feel like you're stuck in this hole but never ending feel like you are moving forward and there are so many bad things happening around you and but then you right ones are moving forward to the world isn't stopping you mean we are moving forward and so things are starting to happen in your right leg. Internship. It happened when it needs an appin and I'm really grateful for it. Now. I am kind of moving forward again. It's just frustrating cuz in my mind it was supposed to happen.

31:58 Starting in February

32:01 Do I buy?

32:03 You're right things happen as they happen and maybe that way it's a good a good experience for you.

32:22 What about your future? Do you worried about Yes, actually because I had all of these things that I was supposed to do and have all of these plans that were supposed to happen. You know, I was supposed to have my internship. I was supposed to graduate in college. I was supposed to continue this internships into a potential job opportunity and then get a certificate and then go back for my Master's like that was my plan and then everything happened and that plan everything blew up in that plane got moved around and thank God shuffled her replaced and it just I felt like I was totally out of control of what was going on and I was totally out of control by Future and that was really hard for me to deal with and I did not do a very good job people mentally sitting down and thinking okay.

33:08 What are my options or what it what can I do or what do I want to do right now? Cuz I was still stuck on what I thought I had to do that. I didn't really think about what I wanted to do and that was really hard for me to kind of get over and figure out and I'm still kind of figuring that out and it still kind of like a daily in the back of my mind. I'm like, okay. I'm supposed to be going back for my Masters or I'm supposed to have this done right now, and I know we're just kind of frustrating to stink.

33:36 But I'm still trying to figure that out. And so I do I do worry about my future because it's not what I

33:42 Bonnie was going to be and it's not where I'm not where I thought I was supposed to be right now and I really struggled with that. But you know, I'm figuring out what I want to do when I'm tearing out, you know where I want to be and explain more options and I never really thought about three months ago and looking at other things and that's really helps me because it's worse me out of what I thought I needed to be doing enforcement and that it made it.

34:15 Third thoughts other ideas other possibilities that really threw you your you had it mapped out and then oh, no, that's not going to work in that does again that's that whole chain and that and having to MSS me to IQ of that old sadness, you know, the whole lost that sense of loss at that stability of yeah, I have to plan for this is how it's going to go. Challenging challenging to get through and know that

35:02 It is a little hard right when you think you know, what you want to do. You think you know, that's how it's supposed to go and then something out of your control happens when you have a setback on Lake. Okay? Well, how am I going to move forward with this problem that's in front of me or how am I going to move forward and be successful without letting it totally drag me down and you're doing it. You're just making in your past. Yeah, we all have I think that's what's I think of all the things are going on right now just new ways of looking at things and opening new doors that maybe we wouldn't have even thought of before and without all of us really happening, which is scary and exciting all at the same time.

35:48 Thank you for being buying you helping dirc. I'm glad that your dad and I can do to help you with your new path are listening to my frustration getting stuck up on all the bad things that experience. So let ourselves be flexible with what's going on instead of being so concrete and I think that's what everybody not just you know, you and I but everybody needs to understand that and to hear that.

36:31 You need to be okay with getting how you write your routine and you need to be okay with accepting like this is how it's going to be now and to be flexible with everybody and everything going on around you and I think that's

36:47 I love you.