Tricialee Friedman and Ava Ahmadbeigi

Recorded January 15, 2020 Archived January 15, 2020 40:31 minutes
0:00 / 0:00
Id: mby019563

Description

Tricialee Friedman (31) talks with her new friend Ava Ahmadbeigi (26) about her family history and personal history with depression and trauma. They talk about the lore surrounding her father's alleged death or disappearance and how that has influenced her personal and familial trauma. Despite the trauma, Tricialee shares with Ava the special bond she and her fiancee have and the excitement about their upcoming wedding.

Subject Log / Time Code

T talks about growing up in San Jose, being raised by her mom and her mom's family, and says she lost her father at 1 year old.
T describes the lore around her father's death, not ever knowing the truth as a young kid, which taught her to lie.
T describes starting to uncover the truth about her dad and by doing so, learned who she was.
T says her father was threatening to go be with Jesus, homeless on the streets of San Francisco, and allegedly he jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge.
T describes her relationship with her mom's side and describes cutting them out of her life last Christmas.
T talks about her self-care regimen: exercise, eating happily, taking her medications, and hygiene.
T describes being a pilates instructor and physical therapy aide.
T describes what she wants for her future and says she's found her purpose.

Participants

Recording Location

Downtown Santa Monica

Transcript

StoryCorps uses Google Cloud Speech-to-Text and Natural Language API to provide machine-generated transcripts. Transcripts have not been checked for accuracy and may contain errors. Learn more about our FAQs through our Help Center or do not hesitate to get in touch with us if you have any questions.

00:03 My name is Tricia Lee Friedman. I'm 31 years old. Today is Wednesday, January 15th, 2024 in Santa Monica, California. And I'm being interviewed by Ava ahmadbeigi and she is my friend new friend. So I'm Ava G. I'm 26 years old. Today's date is Wednesday, January 15th, 2024 in Santa Monica, California, and I'm talking with my new friend Tricia Lee Freedom it I welcome and happy to be here. Can we just get a little bit of acquainted? Yeah. So where you from? Where did you go up? And what is your family like, so I grew up I was born and raised in the San Jose, California, which is in the South Bay of the Bay Area about 50 miles south.

01:03 Death of Maine San Francisco. I was raised by my mother / parents on my maternal grandmother and grandfather. And that was it if we were all the unit my mom lost my dad when I was 1 years old and actually an interesting story about him cuz his dad's pretty much ruled the first couple I want to say basically the first two decades of my life.

01:40 It dictated why I never really got to be a kid why my family was the way they were when my mother was the way she was.

01:54 Because

01:56 And quite frankly it also led to kind of my mental health issues and why it actually explains why I have them to begin with and it really all starts with the day that he passed away. He died on August 7th 1989 at 29 years old.

02:17 And my entire life I was told multiple stories. Nobody really told me the truth.

02:25 And not pretty much laid the basis of my life from there on out.

02:31 I was told that he was still alive and he was still in Florida and my family used to tell me that all the time because he was Jewish and that family used to live in San Jose and they would be sickly as they called it migrate over the winter to South Beach, Florida in West Palm Beach primarily where they had a condo so my grandmother my mother's mother primarily with say are we still alive? He just kind of like lost his mind a little bit and he's just there but you know, he he loved you and all that. They would always emphasize that he left me.

03:09 Other stories that they said is he saw something. He wasn't supposed to see so maybe Mafia took him down and settle in San Francisco. Cuz Mafia is really well known in the east coast. I don't know if people know that about the West Coast there's mafiosos in San Francisco big ones Russian mafia and my dad was always a selfless person so he would he would literally stop a car but he was driving and help somebody like cross the street or give them his last dollar. That's who he was. They also told me stories of how he just went up and disappeared and they

03:52 Within tell me the last thing which was like, yeah, but don't tell anybody about it, which is you know, he probably ended hell. It ended his life. He probably commit suicide but it was always with the word probably and they never really

04:07 Let me feel okay about it and I understood why cuz it's like a year 4 5 6 years old. It's hard to hard subject to Broach with a kid that age because of his life in.

04:21 So they just taught me to lie.

04:24 Nobody needs to know the truth. We are your family. We are the only things that matter we need to know the truth. Nobody else needs to know the truth. Just tell them that he had a heart attack and commit suicide. He had a heart attack feel need to know.

04:38 That laid the foundation for a lot of issues.

04:44 A big one being that as I started getting older. I started developing a lying problem because I didn't know what was real. What was truth and I started showing the symptoms of depression and anxiety and mainly my mother's family didn't believe in psychologist. So I was I was told you don't need a psychologist you are so much stronger than that. They're all quacks. None of them are real all of them are false, but she's going to feed the lies into your head. Just believe us only.

05:21 Okay, I would say and yet I would know that's not right.

05:27 This is when it's beneficial for being a child of the internet age because

05:34 Whereas my family, you know didn't have internet and you know, they would isolate themselves from children and it's very much like Us Versus Them attitude. I could quietly close my door and be lost in a world on the internet. I could meet people that I couldn't meet in real life because my family was so overprotective of me. I didn't go to the beach until I was seventeen. I never saw the Golden Gate Bridge until I was 2531 now, they wouldn't allow me to go anywhere. The only time I was allowed to leave we went over the school trip and even then I couldn't stay overnight. I would the meal they come home at that evening and I never complain cuz I knew why because I was the last link to my father.

06:18 I am the last time.

06:22 And when you know that at a young age

06:24 You really don't want to fight that you want to be the good child. You want to be the anomaly you might be the one that doesn't but the trend, you know, so I fought that and that led to me not really taking care of myself and putting them first and me second.

06:44 It wasn't until I was 25 and I met my now fiance that I realized I wanted to start a family and in order to start a family. I need to know where I came from and what really happened to my dad.

07:01 And in the process of doing that I found out who I was

07:05 When I started looking into the story of my father and what happened to him, it was like looking into a mirror really it was like seeing my own personal thoughts and feelings being reflected right back into my face.

07:23 I got in contact with his older brother my uncle Howard and he had on him.

07:29 All of my dad's journals his letters his stories the things that he would write when he was in the Navy to his mother my paternal grandmother to his brother videos pictures things. I had never seen because I couldn't handle seeing him. I couldn't handle knowing that there was somebody in this life in this world actually cared about me.

07:54 As the saying goes at least you can't miss what you never had.

07:59 But when it gets shown to you that oh, no, you did have that it really really really like a punch to the gut like a big one.

08:08 So when I finally felt ready to approach that it was tough.

08:14 I don't think there was an what I didn't cry because

08:19 It hurts so much and it was like you were there.

08:24 Why did you leave me? Why did you go?

08:28 What caused this to happen?

08:32 And then I found out the truth.

08:34 It was almost like

08:37 Almost like it was predetermined that is was going to be his end because he constantly had roadblocks after roadblocks after roadblocks. He was born and raised, you know as the little brother that could underneath the shadow of the big brother. He was raised with a mother that tried the best she could but this is back in the 60s 70s depression is not as well talked about now it is then she didn't know what to do. She just threw drugs at him and that was what they did. He found his Outlet in music. He was a gifted musician could listen to any song on the radio two tries translated to piano guitar saxophone drops. No problem.

09:28 It was a magical careful with that gift came a price. We was his inability to handle his mind.

09:36 And learning about that was like, whoa, that's me. Holy crap. Wow, why didn't anyone tell me about this?

09:47 And I realize why the more I delve into the story because

09:52 It really was a reflection of myself his was music. Mine was the Arts his was piano and guitar mine was getting heavily into like rock music and Hip-Hop and you know dancing and you know hanging out with friends and exploring seeing the world and what not.

10:13 We got our own little obsessions.

10:16 And he made a choice that I didn't which is he chose his art over his mental health.

10:22 Because what happened with him.

10:25 He got into psychedelic drugs, which was kind of the norm in like 70s 80s, but when you have depression from what I understand, it can let the something called drug induced schizophrenia. And that's what happened. He got drug induced schizophrenia and depression was barely understood back then schizophrenia is really not understood. No one knew what to do. He would tell one story to my mom one story to my mom's parents one story to his brother one story to his own parents. Nobody could talk to each other and nobody knew who was the truth. Nobody knew what was fact or fiction. He didn't know it was fact or fiction because his reality would change all the time.

11:08 Is it because of that everybody just started?

11:12 Beating each other up bashing each other verbally emotionally mentally and they're all losing sight of the fact that this is somebody that I need to help.

11:23 And that's what led to basically is demise. Nobody talked nobody.

11:29 Nobody really just sat down and let bygones be bygones and just talked and just to let it out and come to the conclusion. Like yeah, we might have our differences. We don't know what's real or not. But we all have an agreement here. We need to take care of Fred my dad.

11:48 Special because he's got a baby on the way.

11:52 Nobody that. It was Us Versus Them, especially considering how my family was my whole life very US versus them and they kept that mentality, especially when you survival mode and you want to protect what you love.

12:04 His family was the same way.

12:07 And that led eventually to his demise because he chose his art over me. He chose his art and wanting to be a musician over the drugs because the drugs were making him feel not like himself my uncle specifically remembers the day when he stopped taking these drugs.

12:28 Cuz he said I don't feel like myself anymore. I'm out of control. I don't I can't write I can't do my art. I can't do it. I hate this I hate who I am. How can I live like this when I hate who I am there is no existence if I don't have my heart and because he chose his art. He lost pieces of himself.

12:52 And the family just was not talking to each other and eventually the last time my family on both sides saw him. He was purposefully homeless on the Streets of San Francisco about three months before he's alleged death.

13:07 And he said he was going to leave and go be with Jesus and other voices were telling him to go to that. Everyone was pleading with him to just come home. Come home. You have a one-year-old at home, He said no she's going to be better off without me.

13:21 And the last time anyone saw him quote.

13:26 Was a car that was walking the Golden Gate Bridge their nose Vigilant now as they were now now it's like no there's a lot of like plain clothes officers walking up and down the bridge making sure nobody does anything that they're going to regret.

13:45 That wasn't that this is 1989.

13:48 And he was found with his truck on the side of the bridge just staring over the water next to the railing plainclothes officer. Saw him. He seemed to be very calm like okay, but maybe a little bit off he just turned away and then we looked back he was gone.

14:08 My uncle were two day and night trying to find his body. His body was never found.

14:17 And that was the death of my father.

14:21 And that explains so much to me about why my life was the way it was who I am. What why my life ended up the way it did why my family was so if we tied it why they told me lie after lie because they couldn't accept the truth. They couldn't accept that someone they love that. They put so much work into

14:45 We gone.

14:49 And I just find it so fascinating that he did that.

14:56 And I almost hit that multiple times myself. So when I read these journals, I read these stories. I see like chicken scratch on paper that looks exactly word for word things over into my drill and I'm like wow.

15:12 I could have been like this.

15:15 I always said growing up that I would end up like my dad one because my grandmother threw that in my face when it would be a bad conversation, but other times it was because

15:27 When you see a tunnel in the abyss of depression just swallows you up and eat you up inside and you feel like you've got this weight on your chest on your back just pulls you down and down and you're suffocating. You can't breathe in your brain just takes over and it keeps going and going you're liking it stop. Why won't it stop it, and it finally stopped I wanted to stop.

15:52 And then your table to take that breath again, but can you take that for us? Can you get through to the other side?

16:00 My dad wasn't able to do it.

16:02 And that's okay that he did it because he's left me a

16:08 Ligate

16:10 Like a plan of like this is why you should take care of yourself.

16:16 And it's okay.

16:18 Sometimes fall into the abyss.

16:23 Does Lord knows I have multiple times and I know that it will never go away, but I know that he's left me a good lesson. The sense that the abyss will always be there.

16:36 And you are going to be stronger than me.

16:40 Because you are doing the things I didn't do you're taking your drugs, you're going Psychiatry you're doing the things that they told you not to do the things that I didn't do.

16:52 You're going to make it to 30 and here. I am at 31. I made it to my 30th birthday something that I never thought I would do because I always thought I would just going to end up just like him.

17:06 Instead I ended up being close to him in the sense that I have is laugh. I have a smile I have his vibrancy for life is honestly scary. If you didn't know we were related you see two videos of us I decide you would know we were related. No questions asked.

17:26 But I'm better than him and that just makes me feel so good and secure knowing that I am.

17:35 Okay, and that I am no longer ruled by the shadow of my father instead of got it by it.

17:48 Thank you. Yeah, I sure know that. Yeah.

17:55 What do you think about what your dad had said? I guess maybe to his brother that she's going to be better off without me.

18:06 My dad

18:09 More than likely thought

18:12 Because I've been there where it's like they're all going to be better off without me. I saw it multiple times. I think my fiance is going to be better without me. I'm worthless. I'm not think I have a piece of nothing, you know, sometimes with depression you have what's called a disassociation issue where you just see yourself outside of the world and you look from the outside in your like what is the meaning of my existence? Why am I here? What's the point? Like? I don't deserve to be here. What makes me so special. What's the point of me being here? Why am I here? I'm a mistake. I'm nothing.

18:47 And that's where his Viewpoint was.

18:51 He and I worked at the time didn't have a job you was going from job to job because of his depression couldn't hold anything. He couldn't be a provider. He felt like there's no way I can be, you know, the father that I would like to be cuz he didn't have the tools that I have. You didn't have the help. Everybody was working against you sure. Nobody was helping him.

19:14 They lost sight of what the actual purpose was of everyone trying to, you know, go to sessions with him.

19:23 They gave up is over because of that he gave up. It really does matter when you have depression or any type of mental health issue to have a good support team and his support team failed him.

19:38 And they at least tell my mom said they don't admit it. They didn't want to admit that they failed very proud. Very proud people.

19:47 What is your relationship with them now?

19:53 I actually cut them out of my life on Christmas Day last year.

19:59 It wasn't I wasn't preparing to do I was waiting to do it after my wedding this year in September and I just dropped the bomb on them. I was like, that's it you're out because it wasn't just my father. It was just a lot of issues a lot of trauma that they caused me.

20:16 You know the fact that they won't admit that there was child abuse in the household that the abused me. They refused my adopted sister. They the abuse ran all the way rampant all the way back to when my mother, you know was a child and she's a gold never happened and yet her little sister was abused ended up in the hospital multiple times and upcoming at drug addict cuz of it like all those lies and cover-ups and everything.

20:44 In all coming full circle and it's like now I don't want to be around that anymore. I'm a better person you need if you want to have a relationship with me do the work. I'm doing the work you need to do the work to

20:59 And it's tough Kristoff. Yeah, it sounds like you had in your twenties several years for you were doing a lot of work. I work a lot what was going on for you? I like internally when all of that was happening like what was going on with your mental health when you were learning about your dad when you were kind of deciding to choose a different path.

21:29 Multiple attempts of suicide multiple multiple thoughts multiple ways looking up everything that I could.

21:39 List it hanging overdose on pills trying to find a gun. How how can you legally get one how to do, you know drown yourself rocks in your shoes things like that accessory Sarah that was majority of my twenties and then it was fighting it the whole time fighting what was conditioned to me. Like all tigers are quack blah blah blah fighting against that in finding my group of people that really support and help me like my fiance. He was the one who put his foot down. I remember the day May of two thousand and

22:20 I want to see a 2015 he put his foot down. He said you need to take care of you. You need to go to your doctor your primary doctor. Tell her what is going on and get help Psychiatry is not just enough you have to do the thing that scares you the worst thing that can happen is that the pills don't work cool move on.

22:42 I'm glad he did that it honestly change the course of everything or now. I have a healthy relationship with Psychiatry and I have a healthy like approach to it as well where it's like it's not all drugs. It's not all psychosomatic. It's both my psychiatrist and I talked about it the whole time or it's like you have to find your own personal cocktail of self-care and self-care. So so thrown into people's faces nowadays like take your bath do this do that. And it seems to be very to profess like very very fake but there is a point to it. You can't just be the only one there only the other thing black and white thinking is what ruins people who have depression because you're already in that mindset. You have to think of Shades and gray you take a little bit of this you take a little bit of exercise a little bit of things that make you happy in terms of food. You take a little bit of drugs cool. You take a little Auntie anxiety little bit of this little bit of that.

23:42 And then that becomes your go-to like pill box like a little pill box and then there's a imaginative pill box that you just click on today. I'm not feeling too great a warm bath and then I'm going to go take my drugs and then I'm going to go to take a nap like that works, but it took me a long time to get there.

24:07 Where are you now? What's your cocktail?

24:10 My big three are exercised eating happily not eating right not eating clean eating happily things that I know that are going to be happy for my gut and for my brain both of them at the same time where it's like, oh, I want a hamburger man like me. Yeah, but hamburgers are really going to upset your stomach. You know that

24:30 You want me to wash you just roasted chicken? Okay, cool. That will make me happy and it's and it's there's a craving there you go and then hygiene cuz one thing that happens with depression is hydrogen goes right out the door. You have no energy for it whatsoever. So my level of hygiene is if I'm able to brush my teeth. That's a woman if I can wash my face after win anything more than yet. Cool great. Awesome. So there's that and then my anti-anxiety pills and my antidepressants they all work together.

25:02 But that yeah.

25:05 Do you want to tell me a little bit about your fiance and how you guys met just that whole journey, it's been a few years. Are you said 2015? It's been a long time short version cuz it is a long version. There is there is a short-duration I have worked on we met in December of 2009 in Las Vegas at dead man's hand which is a now-defunct rock club in Las Vegas the day before Metallica played a show at Mandalay Bay.

25:34 We're both Metallica fans big ones. Look up his name Andrew Dallas and you will see him on stage with Metallica. I swear whenever I bring it up he gets so mad because he's like, I'm like one of those guys only have one cool thing happened to their life know, he's a multiple cool things with the Panthers just have to be the big one and we were friends for a long time because we're morons. It didn't know how to talk to each other as he likes to say you would like to be first because I brought it up with you. He did it was 2013. I was scared cuz I never had a guy come on to me before ever and I was like what's going on here? This is weird to say you like me. I have no idea what you just messed up. Oh, no. It's okay put the port machine full on. Let's go and you already have written me off those two months of nothing and then we finally got together in July of 2013 and then

26:34 We got engaged in November of 2017 and he proposed to me at the musee mecanique in San Francisco Fisherman's Wharf which is a Penny Arcade Museum and he got down on one knee and he presented to me a ring pop and he said that before Deadpool came out. I mean you haven't already come up with Deadpool. It was like all about that ring pop and he was like I had that cornered in the market for that movie soap.

27:00 I got it in though. He pulled out of the iron claw and one Frozen one knee say will you do me the honor of being of letting me become your husband and I was like and then we're getting married September 3rd 2020 this year because of Bob's Burgers cuz that's our favorite show. And that's the date that Bob and Linda got married on the show.

27:22 Congratulation, thank you. Yeah, it sounds like you.

27:30 They're just a lot happened that I know it is a lot happened. Why you no like this all of this personal kind of understanding and Discovery all of this growth. Oh, yeah. I think you made some choices a lot of choices and it really reflects really funny how the mental health also reflected in my professional life because I started is all about like social media marketing and when I graduated I was like knee deep in my depression in 2010 + was like 2 years after the economy collapse. So it's like way so items and I've tried to find basically my footing tried to make money basically to One support myself to support my family because they were all employed. So it was like you have to be the breadwinner be the best of the family the very honestly like when you come from a third world country type of family like Mexican or like Indiana swear to God when I talk to my friends are from the Middle East nightclub.

28:30 You all have tiger Mom's right in there like yeah, look at my mom's the tiger. Mom, even though she's Mexican. It's like legit. You have to have straight A's you have to be better than anybody have to work twice as hard versus everybody else and I'm like, okay cool scratch head feel like not to slit your wrists as you have anxiety attacks.

28:50 So yeah, that was tough until I finally had a huge mental breakdown. I used to do social media and entertainment industry here in La I used to work on Mike Fox shows and nbcuniversal stuff and whatnot. And then I had a huge mental breakdown and I almost wanted to commit suicide and that was the day that my fiance my fiance and I actually moved in together and you got to see what it was like working or living with someone who works 6 days a week 12 hour days with no break cuz that's entertainment industry and social media. You're always on you like you got to get out of it. Now, I won't know what to do if you will do but you need to get out and it just happened to coincide with me transitioning into the health industry. I became a Pilates instructor and a yoga instructor and that all led to me now where I work now where I am a place instructor in a physical therapy aide, and I'm actually starting school this year at Santa Monica College.

29:49 And I'm going to go back to school and went to do anatomy and physiology and bio. Yeah, I'm going to go become a physical therapist. I was very excited. I finally found out what I want to do with my life. I'm so happy.

30:04 That's awesome. I'm happy for you. It took a long time to get there but it's like wow, I was meant to do this my whole life. Why did it take so long? I'm 31 and going back to school, please. You feel like your old it's like no, you're not really old the time. It takes yeah, I'm happy with what I'm doing now. Yeah, so happy what what was it like moving in with with your fiance and kind of

30:32 You're like having having issues with mental health and then having somebody could be so intimately involved in your life and letting them see you like that the Lord it was tough. It was very tough.

30:47 If he was here right now, he'd say it's a miracle. We've got through everything. We did. He see me at my absolute worst.

30:57 He actually took an add-on to that proposal store. He technically proposed to me when I was in the ER room and I check myself in for suicide. Watch the lady who took the insurance came in. I was like, who is he and before I could say a word? She said her fiance and I liked it. So beautiful like this is life. Like he is going to see me through thick and thin no matter what but up until that moment. You never really quite frankly dealt with on his life. He came from a very privileged family and not a broken home parents have been together for over 30 years his parents, you know are amazing. I love my future in-laws. I can't say enough good things about them. I could just go for an hour or just talk about how amazing they are. I want but that's how great they are and they raised him equally is great. He basically had like typical issues that you would find in a you know, Suburban.

31:57 Growing very secure white teenage boy and getting his anger issues and what not, but then you got kind of got over there, but he never dealt with someone like me who had trauma after trauma after trauma and it's like every little thing is like a landmine. He doesn't know how to go through it. But he did something that I didn't expect them to do in the beginning of our relationship. He went to sessions with me so he could understand he sat down he tried to understand my way of thinking and if there's anything that I can say to that is like I think everyone needs to do that. If you have a partner that has mental health issues in matter what it is. You need to understand the translation because one person speaking English Ciara person speaking German, you have to find the middle ground where you can speak the same language without hurting each other and we went through so many things to get to that point that we're at right now.

32:57 Or now. It's like I'm not afraid to trust him. I'm not afraid to tell him the truth. I still stumble I will never be perfect and he's coming. He has come to terms with that fact that it's like I'm getting better and I will continue to get better but I'm not going to be without like a trauma thing coming up here or there and he'll never know what it is. I'll never know what it is like this past Christmas. I went to Christmas Story and I cried halfway through it because the mom was so nice to Ralphie about covering up for like this one thing cuz he beat up the kid in the movie and then the mom was like this and he thought he was going to get killed because he was going to tell Dad and she didn't and that just made me fall cuz I was like God, why wasn't my mom like that? Why couldn't she protect me from the one thing that was hurting me in my life, which if I cry and he's like the you're so weird, but I get it go write about it in your Journal sweetheart. It's okay... Like he's like

33:56 Things like that gif you want to see on the internet with at the broom and it just goes like they're there their they're there their that's him. But then like he'll be calm and actually try and understand he always likes to diffuse with humor Matilda look about him. Now. He wears good Hitler has got away are the most important and he's very funny, but he's very funny.

34:18 What do you hope for for your life all the life all the choices you have coming up ahead of you. What do you want?

34:29 That's a good question.

34:35 I just want to keep doing what I'm doing cuz it's like it's a waste it works. You know, it works. I found something that works. I found things that work in my my mind my body my soul things that work at my life. I feel like a good complete human being now that's like grounded in this earth when like I'd want to say the first 30 years of my life, which is kind of like

35:00 What's my purpose? Why am I here for what's going on? And I'm constantly in a fog and because I'm consoling a fog the abyss of depression is just sucking me in tearing me down pulling me apart and it's so hard for me to like pull myself back together again. Now, I feel like that Abyss is no longer than best instead. It's like because of all the work I've been doing because I have all the support that I have.

35:27 I no longer have that anchor on my back.

35:31 Instead the anchor isn't this huge huge like thousand-pound weight instead. It's more like it's a reminder of the things that I have been through and instead of it being this wait. It's more of like a weapon. Like if anyone tries to put me down. I'm going to take that anger up my package of smack you in the face with it instead. I feel so much stronger karaoke. I don't feel like I'm a hunchback crawling through mud again. And again waiting for this thing to finally collapse me down and drown me instead. It's more like much dried a little bit and I'm walking up right and I'm carrying it with all my strength and sometimes I'll trip and sometimes I'll fall sometimes I will smack myself right in the face into the ground.

36:22 But I'll use that anger to pull myself back up now and then just keep walking and that's what I see myself doing for the rest of like at least this decade for 2020 is just no matter what just taking it a day at a time when you know that it came from the movies Creed. I love that movie but it's like one step at a time one punch in the time when cake at a time. Like you're the only person you're finding up against is you and you just going to keep going step-by-step point-by-point and it just makes me happy cuz it's like I have hope when my whole life it was like Hope was hard to hold on to you now. It's like the hope is there. I got this. I got it. Yeah. Yeah you so clearly do is weird to even like say that I didn't even like feel it and know it's like real that I'm not like BS in myself. I'm saying the truth. Yeah. Yeah.

37:23 You you feel like going back to the rocking out to you do feel like Rocky like you just climb to the very top of your text my fiance loves Rocky. So yeah, it makes you stronger now. He says I'm the female Rocky he's adorable.

37:41 We have it just a couple minutes left. Is there anything else that you want to share before we end?

37:50 I

37:53 I think if there's anyone out there who's cuz we can talk a lot about mental health and depression and anxiety if there's anyone out there who's

38:04 Feeling hopeless who's feeling. Like there's nothing out there or there at the end is near and you've got no, hope nothing especially those who were like in my situation where it's like I'm stuck in my family. I'm never going to leave my family. I'm stuck in this household. I'm never going to leave you do you feel like you're claustrophobic in there? And the only way to get out is rather than hurting others is to hurt yourself.

38:31 The best thing I can say is too kind of actually sit in those feelings hurt, but it's okay to be in those feelings and I feel like a lot of the time nobody really talks about that was not to hold its like either get over it or try things are going to distract yourself, which is fine. They are tools but I don't think anybody really allows people to feel what they're feeling or just acknowledge. If you're dealing if you yourself are telling other, you know, someone who's helping with it just let them have their feelings have their emotions and acknowledge that their real even if you are being logical and you are you know from the outside and in your like this is dumb you're are clearly not in the right mindset and you want to fix it. Don't fix it. They have to be the one to do it themselves. The only thing you can do is guide them and acknowledge that it's real because when you acknowledge that their feelings are real that little monster depression can sink their teeth into them as much anymore and he starts

39:31 Oh, so it's not in my head really? Wow. What it what can I do?

39:38 You know what? I mean? Yeah, I think people just need to understand that like those from the outside in and then for those who are dealing with it, it's you are going through something that is real and it is not your fault. It's okay to feel absolutely terrible and that you need to do what you've got to do in order to get better. And if that means cut people out cut him out you matter that's the biggest thing I got to take that I took away from my twenties you matter you matter you matter just at least thank you so much for sharing our story. Thank you for having me. Yeah. Yeah.