The Best Parts of Me

00:00 So, hi, I'm Marci Yoss and it is March 29, 2022, and I am interviewing Camille Beckett.

00:10 And I am Camille Beckett, and I am an Amherst MA Currently.

00:16 I should have said I'm in Florence ma. We're across the river from each other. So I have really enjoyed getting to know you, and I'm wondering if you can just also tell me about what about your past life experiences most shape who you are today.

00:40 So I think growing up, I went through a lot within my family, and I think through so much of it, I felt this large sense of loneliness and this feeling of having to do everything myself and always being alone. But I then realized as I grew up, I have the three most important people in my life standing right next to me the whole time. I have three siblings who are very close to me in age. My oldest sister's name is Bella. She is currently 23, and she lives in the UK. My younger sister, her name is Josie. She is 20, and she is a sophomore here at UMass Amherst. So she goes to school with me. And then I have a younger brother who is 17. He is a senior in high school at North Atterborough High School, and he's eventually going to graduate and come to UMass as well, which is great. I think having my siblings in my life has totally transformed who I am as a person. I think they are the best part of my life. I genuinely think that our parents got divorced, which felt like my whole childhood. It felt like this ongoing struggle and battle in my life. And so many times I tried to shield my siblings from it. Even though I'm not the oldest child, it always just felt like my role in life for some reason. And I spent so much time just fighting against things that were just expected to happen that I feel like I almost lost a part of myself. And it made me have this, like, overwhelming sense of loneliness. And I think that's really impacted who I am as a person. And I also think it's really, like, led me to be the person I am and to always feel the need to help others or empathize with other people.

02:43 I'm interested in the fact that you've been working as an emt and what got you interested in that? What drew you to that?

02:50 So actually, it's kind of a funny story. When I originally went to college, I came for psychology and communication disorders. So I was similar to a path as you were going to when you were like, oh, what should I do with my life? Should I be a psychologist? I was having the same exact thoughts. And then I was like, psychologist, maybe speech pathologist. And I was, I was confused. I was all over the place. And the hardest part for me is that I loved it all. Everything I saw, I loved. There's not one thing about speech pathology I necessarily didn't like, not one thing about psychology I didn't like. But it was all about where my true passion, like, lied. And I think that my passion was always helping people. And in any of those fields, I feel like I would have gotten to feel helpful when I then went to EMT school. I went to EMT school because I had this keen interest in the fire department at UMass. And I knew that the interview process was rough and I knew that I'd have a better chance if I was an emt. And it was just something that to me, when I look at other EMTs or paramedic, it's something that is so impressive to me. It is like, oh, I want to be like you my whole life. So I decided to take that step. I became an EMT in 2019. During my EMT class, we'd go around the room and everyone would share their majors and everyone was bio pre med, bio pre pa and I was communication disorders. When they got to me, there's almost a laughter in the room because people are like, what are you doing here? If you want to be a speech pathologist, you don't need an EMT degree to go work in speech with children. And I was like. And I was kind of laughing at myself as well. And I think to me there was this large fear of failure. I think I've always had this large fear of rejection or failure or not being good enough that I always told myself, you're never going to get a good score in the mcat. You're never going to have a strong GPA and be able to go to med school. And it took me two years of college to realize that even the best doctors in the world do not know everything. And I think I had this false sense of an idea in my head that doctors were the all knowing entities of everything. I remember when teachers would ask about like, if you could have one superpower, what would it be? We'd go around the class and everyone would be like, to fly, to teleport. And I'd be like all knowing knowledge. Because to me that was like always where I thought that I was never going to be good enough because I just would never be able to know everything. And if I didn't, I never wanted to be that doctor that would fail. But I think that's one of the most important things is learning from failure. So I think, like, within my growth in college, I've really learned how, like, important it is to not only learn from past mistakes, but how every single person has that point in their life. No one is ever going to be perfect.

06:02 No one. No one.

06:03 No one. And I think it was really important for me to get to that point, to then be like, this is my true passion. I love the emergency field. I'm hoping to go into emergency medicine. It's definitely my most keen interest right now. And I would say that that is probably why I chose it, is because I almost had that backwards experience where I actually know a lot of my friends who I've worked with as an EMT have ended up going to dental school or whatnot because they did it and they decided, this is not what I want to do. I want to help people, but I'd much rather like, stick to the mouth. There's be. Go to psychology. Like a lot of people. It's the other way. Like, people tend to start off college being like, I'm pre med. I'm going to do all these courses. For me, I didn't even find my true love for it until I got into organic chemistry, which is so backwards for most people. And I think that's the moment that I kind of knew, like, this is my path and this, like, this is the only thing I think I would be happy doing for the rest of my life.

07:07 So great to hear your passion. Let's see. And I'm wondering, you're about to graduate the next phase of your life. What are your hopes?

07:21 Honestly, I hope to find peace with myself is probably the biggest thing I hope. I also, like, I always have this talk with my therapist that I have so many career goals and so many aspirations, but I always forget that I am more than that. Like, I am more than the amount of doctors I shadow. I am more than my MCAT score. I am more than my grades. And even though all those things are very important to me and I do a good job keeping up with all of them, I need to have that bigger peace with myself and, like, finding who I am and trying to have a greater acceptance for myself because I think that will honestly lead me to be more successful and further than life than any other experience I could have. So I hope over these next two years of like, a gap year before I go to medical school that I'll be able to really, like, find myself, find my exact True passions, like, lead myself really into the right direction, because I think that's even more important than necessarily getting into medical school itself.

08:27 And I'm wondering how you see loneliness in your life.

08:31 Yeah, so, like, as I said, I have seen loneliness in my life since a young age. I was really lonely in high school, and that is, like, when I started seeing a therapist. I think it was brought about through, like, my upbringing. My parents were the very stubborn, hardcore type of people. There is definitely a lot of love in my family, but it is not to be shown. It's that hardcore type of love where it's almost like you have to say it in a rude way to show it or else you look weak. Like, that is how, like, my family doesn't hug each other. We don't tell each other we love each other. It's through very, like, through either sarcastic comments or jokes and how we show each other that we're proud. And I think it really does take a toll on you, in a sense, when you don't get very straightforward validation all the time. And I feel like that led me to feeling very lonely in my life. But I feel like recently, even taking this class and really talking about loneliness more, I feel like that's almost like acceptance is the first step when you can be able to be at a place where you can accept, like, hey, I'm lonely. What can I do to change this? Then there's so many more opportunities. I've also never been very good at being that person to reach out. But every time I've taken that little step to reach out, it's always worked in my favor. So I've really learned recently that it's not weird to reach out to people. It's not weird to have little conversations as you walk by people. And, like, I've been trying to adapt that more into my life, and so far, I've seen very positive outcomes.

10:13 I'm amazing how much insight you have. I was thinking about, where was I in my life when I was your age and when I was a senior in high school? I don't know if you even know about this. Carlton Fisk hit that really big home run. Do you know about this? Are you a Red Sox fan at all?

10:34 Not really.

10:37 It was momentous being in Boston and trying to decide where to stay, where to go to medical school. It was a big home run in the sixth game of the World Series and extra innings that gave the Red Sox the win and let them go to the next game. But they lost the seventh game, and.

10:54 That Was your deciding factor on the stay in Boston?

10:56 No, that wasn't my deciding factor, but I remember it was very exciting to be in Boston then. Yeah.

11:04 That's awesome.

11:05 Probably your parents remember that.

11:06 Yeah.

11:07 If you weren't a baseball fan, you would remember that.

11:10 I'm sure my dad does.

11:12 Yeah. Let's see. The other thing I just want to recount is there are a couple of things I love just to let you know. I just so love hearing you talk about your siblings and your relationship with them, and somehow there's got to be natural sibling rivalry, but you guys do not let that get in the way. So. Yeah, just appreciating each other and feeling the support, and it's, you know, it's just. No one knows you better. No one knows you better. And then from the very first time you and I met, we talked about the Oxford comma that we both felt very strong about. And then the other thing is, I really liked you hearing about how you've learned to enjoy golf, and that enabled you to share something with your brother as well as other friends. And so it was an activity you could do, and it's outdoors, and it sounds really great.

12:18 Awesome. I think the sibling rivalry thing. I don't know if this is a common theme for siblings, but for us, we were definitely. It was definitely a lot worse when we were children. We were children. We were rivals. We were all like. I felt like we were all really on, like, an equal playing field. And I feel like as I've grown up, like, one of the reasons why I first told myself I couldn't be a doctor is because my older sister is one of the most intelligent people I've ever met in my life. She is very smart, and, like, I will commend her for that till the day she dies. She is one of my biggest inspirations in my life. And I feel like the reason why I try so hard to be a better person all around and better at school and to have more opportunities to connect with people is because of the way my older sister conducts herself.

13:13 She inspired you?

13:14 Yeah, she does. Every day. Every day. She is like, that one person I'll always reach out to for advice every day, even miles, miles away.

13:23 What a treasure. Really treasure.

13:26 We still have our, like, daily phone calls five hours apart across the ocean. Yeah. And, no, she's great, but I think that there. There was never, like, a said rivalry between us, but I think her being so smart. All throughout high school, she went to Harvard. All throughout college. She's now getting her PhD at Cambridge, her first year out of undergrad, like, has always not necessarily weighed on me, but it's always been that factor that it's like, wow, like, she is so smart. Like, how could I be so smart? But I think over time I realized that there could be a million smart people in the world.

14:10 Yeah. And, you know, there are different flavors of smart. You know, I, you know, I think of it as I'm in a four person singing group with a voice teacher. And each of us have different strengths, and when we're together, we each bring something different and, you know, we learn a little differently, but we are able to really bring all that together and really complement each other.

14:35 And I think that's one of the reasons as well that me and my siblings get along so well is because I think we each bring our own thing to the table.

14:42 Yeah.

14:43 Like, even like Thanksgiving dinner, if we're not all there, something is missing. Like, separately, we each have our own personality, our own ball of energy. And I think, like, we really each do bring our own thing and as though it's so different than each other. I also feel like it's so similar because people always, always tell us. They're like, have you guys realized you have the same exact mannerisms? Like, I guess we make the same motions with our hands when we speak. Like, all this stuff. Every time I'm with, I'm with one of my siblings, it's like, wow, you guys are identical. And it's funny because I have red hair, my older sister has brunette hair, and my younger sister has blonde hair. So we are not identical in any way, shape, or form. But sometimes people really can't tell us apart from our mannerisms and the things we say. And I think that is so true to ourselves because even though I don't get to, I get to see my older sister maybe two, three times a year now. I still am adopting things she says, her mannerisms. My younger sister is adopting both of ours. And I think it's just so funny to, like, watch us interact because even if I don't get to talk to my siblings every day, they are still that biggest part of my life. And it shows in so many more ways than one.

16:05 It's a real treasure.

16:07 It is. I'm very, I'm very, very lucky. And it makes me, like, think about that, like, if I have children one day, I definitely want to have, like, a big enough family where my children get to experience having siblings. Like, because like you say, like, one of the greatest parts of your life is watching your Three sons connect with each other.

16:28 They've really helped each other. And they somehow ended up before the pandemic, one was in LA, one in Detroit, and one in the Boston area. Then the LA one got a job in Boston and moved. December 2019, right before the pandemic. And then during the pandemic, the Detroit one was all of a sudden working from home and single and really isolated. And he gave up his apartment and moved in with us for seven months and then got an apartment in the Boston area. So they have helped each other and they've gotten together every two weeks, often outdoors, because two of them have children that weren't vaccinated for a long time and have helped each other a lot. And I don't know half the things that go on, but I feel like I am so grateful they have each other. I feel like that is the biggest gift I have given them.

17:28 That is awesome. Yeah. I really hope one day that similar to your sons, I am sure we will all do our own separate thing and go our separate ways. But I really hope at one point we all come, like when we start having children, especially we all just come back together.

17:45 I bet you'll figure it out. Yeah.

17:47 Yeah. We always, as I told you, we always talk about how during the holidays, like, someone's gonna have Christmas, someone's gonna have Thanksgiving, and we're all gonna have to host them at our house. And that is like the most important thing to us because we never really had cousins around who are our age. So at that dinner table, at that kids table, it was always us four, me and my brothers and siblings. And one day, hopefully we'll have our own big families of our own and we can all come together. And I really look forward to that.

18:18 It sounds so much fun. It will be.

18:22 They are definitely, honestly, that one thing in my life that makes me feel like it's possible to beat loneliness. Because I remember at any point in my life, even in high school, my loneliest moments, like, the moments I was most sad, like, when your first boyfriend breaks up with you, I remember, like, the first thing I think about is always, like, I, at least I always have them, like, they will never leave me. And like, that, that really means more than the world, is that I could make the biggest mistake. And like, no matter what I do in my life, I will always have them.

18:59 Oh, that's really a good feeling.

19:02 Yeah, it's probably the best feeling for sure.