Vidya Frazier and Marjorie Bair
DescriptionMarjorie Bair (83) is interviewed by her friend Vidya Frazier (76) about life and spirituality.
- Vidya Frazier
- Marjorie Bair
Recording LocationSanta Rosa, CA
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00:01 My name is Marjorie Baer. I'm 83 years old today is September 13th, Friday the 13th 2019. I'm in the hospice facility of st. Joseph's Health and Santa Rosa California and my relationship to my partner is a dear friend.
00:26 My name is Vidya Frasier. I am 76 years old today is September 13th 2019. I'm at the hospice building in Santa Rosa California. And Marjorie is my very dear friend.
00:53 So Marjorie had your experience. Is there any good news about aging about getting older? I love that question actually for a long time. I thought it was all bad news and the models grandparents aunts. We're not very good. It was really over around time. I turn 70 what I'm finding now in my 80s is absolutely astonishing me. It feels like it's brand new chapter and I really thought there was nothing much left. I feel like I've pretty much completed my karma. I've had a very interesting and exciting life. I've done a lot of service. I've helped a lot of people raised a family. I thought what else is there, but what I'm discovering at this point
01:53 Is there's a whole piece that I had never before considered and
02:00 A major piece of that for me has been going through a period of grief deep grief that lasted for quite a while. Look like depression, but it was really grief recognizing having to come to terms with the fact that I'm no longer. I was no longer who I used to be and I had a very strong identification with being this kind of big successful personage who had gotten a lot of stroking a lot of positive feedback and my very most professional roles and I was done with that. I was done with that and it seemed totally irrelevant to my current life strangely. None of it seemed to really make any difference. And so then who am I who am I what's left and that was a very powerful and important passage.
03:00 Until I had I came to grips with and this comes out of deep spiritual work over many decades after that. What is it to exist without that kind of ego identity that seemed so very important. Who am I really and coming up in my meeting of self that this may sound really strange that there's really no one here is a nobody and yet highly functional still for the most part. I mean to spend some decline of course, but living from a very different place and I'm feeling very trusting of the way life Works in this new non identity identity. So suddenly to my utter amazement. I'm finding life very interesting and
04:00 Siding and wondering what's possible now?
04:05 And feeling there's still some juice there and what kind of I or can I offer to life also. What can I receive from life and they're still challenges even though I feel I've dealt with all the significant issues of my life, but the challenges are basically about being present staying open to life keeping my heart open and offering offering what I can and also accepting the acceptance of some of the challenges like a history of depression at times and allowing life to be as it is. So it feels very Gloria sent at this moment to my other surprise.
04:53 That was going to ask you what what was what's been the most difficult thing you've experienced about about getting old. I mean have you just answered that or is there more that you'd like to say? It's about all the losses, you know, no longer was interesting to men no longer look good. It was it was a piece in my life has a New Yorker in the professional world. It was all the no longer has and no longer since I left the city New York where I had a big presence and a follower and landed in Santa Rosa coming in Sebastopol coming here from the Peace Corps, which I wanted to and I was 60 and going from being a somebody with a capital S to being a nobody with a lowercase. And so that was a big transition. I went through some serious illness cancer Lyme disease.
05:53 So I was totally knocked down for a while and thought there was nothing nothing left, but came back came back out of it and new energy and
06:10 Kind of a new life
06:14 Have you felt that your relationships with people and how you how you relate to them has changed since this change. It's an interesting question. Yes, very dramatically and I have to say I can't say I've ever fully understand it but I so I've been involved with people professionally as a therapist and before that as a book editor working with writers.
06:44 So a lot of involvement with with people in service and and doing a lot of volunteer service also, which invite people and always having Circles of friends and various friendships. And at this stage, I feel much less interested in my interpersonal life and curious about that and a little concerned about
07:14 Does that point to loneliness? I I don't feel lonely about I cherish my alone time and introvert and an Enneagram 5 and Cancun for long periods, but I feel I'm feeling very much out of sync with the people in my life. I feel I'm on a trajectory at this point that I don't hear Echoes from others except for you.
07:42 And so it's a bit challenging and I long for
07:49 What I would name tribe, which I had for many years on the East Coast being evolved of the spiritual community and of very a strong connection and similarity and residence residence. So this is seems to be part of the transition at this point unless involved with family was interested in family. And what is it that you look for in a friendship foreign really being able to connect and you described that little bit more detail?
08:36 Well resonance heart heart opening. I really value the end of the process of of the mind and the intellect so I look for people who are curious and open-minded and can work with Consular can be with Concepts can also can are open to be cat the explain the edges of a reality which is always been kind of bike path. What is it really and where we going and what is behind all the information and news coming down and a sense of this much more and it's very vast and largely hidden at this point, but I love being able to do that Exploration with people who are pure
09:36 Threatened by the unknown I am a fiercely drawn to the unknown. So I think that would be the single most important aspect and I I would love to have more friendships across of a wider spectrum of age than I currently do and more more with men than I currently do. Most of my connections are rich people in their later years.
10:06 And people who are open to laughing and fun and that curious Curiosities maybe more than anything.
10:17 What would you say the most important wisdom is that you've gained through this aging process, you know if you were to
10:26 Speak to someone. You know, who's
10:29 Becoming older or anybody. You know, what what what what have you really really learned in these latter years?
10:40 I think the most important thing I've learned is a a deep acceptance of life as it is on its own terms and
10:52 Letting myself be in a flow with life as it is.
11:01 And at this point I think
11:05 Seeing life with a kind of a larger eyes. That's not the right way to put up abroad.
11:14 The Deep gratitude The Awesome Life is, and I have to say I didn't always love life. I didn't want to live or a my early years. I had some suicide attempts and it took many years for me to open up to the glory of life and
11:39 Come out to dimensionality of it and just allow it to be as it is and more important allowing me to be as I am with all my flaws and confusions and the challenges and
12:01 And you know forgiveness has been a piece of piece of that but part of the same the Forgiveness of the essential limitation of who I've been as it as everyone else has been as a as a human being having to deal with the Deep limitations and are human and human being at this time.
12:30 What would you say that the glory of life?
12:35 Can you expand on that? What does that mean?
12:40 I think I'm
12:43 I think having the space in my life and semi-retirement cuz I'm still working some have a lot of spaciousness in my life. And I have the as such I have the possibility of being much more present in the moment. Then I think I was through most of my life's in my career and family and all that and just simply being able to look and see and hear Look Out My Window see the birds see the trees see the flowers when I go walking in nature of the impact of what's around me just the capacity to take it in without the Mind racing with the next thing what do I need to do? And how am I going to do it and The Perennial am I good enough will I be? Okay which runs through so much so
13:38 Just kind of noticing the amazement of people in the supermarket looking at people to be a little kids. It's pretty awesome. If I'm not absorbed and all that kind of mental and leaping into the future kind of the next moment or the next day or
14:03 And would you say there's been like a a heart opening what with all this for you to what happens with your heart? I think so. I well first of all just a deep appreciation. I feel for life and all and also the sorrow, I mean what's happening in the world at this time with the tremendous amount of suffering and misdirection affects me more now possibly than ever though. It's always been in my awareness. So
14:39 To the extent on present. I can't not be impacted by Life as a chose up and that could be loving and compassionate and I could be sad and grieving and raging about some of the things going on in the world right now. So I think I think that the whole emotional body is more open now than I've been it's ever been in the past and you're more aware of it. Yeah. It's a lot of work and I started when I was 17 pretty confused fucked up kid, and I've done a lot. I've done a lot of personal work psychological work spiritual work.
15:27 And very committed to that and to my own healing of years.
15:34 You kind of answered this but let me ask it when you look back on it all your whole life. What would you say your life has been about what have you been here to experience and learn?
15:50 Big big question. I will looking back to my other surprise. I feel I'm kind of oil that an amazing life. I've had a low I don't know that I would have said it as I was living it complaining a lot about myself and life.
16:12 I said I think my life has been essentially about service and
16:20 But also about I want to mention earlier is in an Embrace of Life of loving life my birth. I had to be pulled from My Mother by forceps and I think it's so to set a template for not wanting to be here having a strong sense of a reality that was a much Freer and Kinder and easier than the human reality and didn't didn't like being a human being strange to say and wanted out wanted out starting really young. I remember it at around Age 5 sang. I want to go back home now.
17:06 And feeling that really strongly for much of my life. So I think part of my mission has been to embrace life and and accept it as it is. I accept myself as I am and help others to do the same certainly in the a.m. Therapy and counseling work. I've done that becomes more and more Central now, so it's a personal task as well as the collective tasks and the sense that were in a very profound shift evolutionary shift at this point in human history and that I'm here and in service to that shift, which I've been very happy.
17:56 Engaged by for many years now. Could you tell us more about that? But that's where you and I and this conversation is between the two of us. So about the shift. Yeah, I should say I was the editor of two of them videos books about about the very same thing about the the movement and The evolutionary movement towards a significant shift in Consciousness for Humanity in for the planet. So,
18:36 What to say and that is an awareness that this is happening. It's an acceleration. There are many pointing so we don't fully know what it's going to look like but we're already experiencing certainly pays you and I are already experiencing a level of opening of Consciousness that feels new and an interesting and challenging and we've been involved with others who are also tracking this the shift and what it looks like and what are points to and how we can what we have to offer in the face of it when it looks like the planet and Humanity are going down and yet we're holding. We don't think that that's what's happening. In fact, we really on the cusp of a golden age and that's been prophesized for many many.
19:33 Many many years that has an amazing potential for freedom and Harmony and 1/2 true it is and what it will look like as a mystery and I feel we both feel very committed to holding space and holding a Time aberration this weekend and not getting caught up in the Despair and distress of what's going on in our in our world at this time, especially in this country.
20:10 So why do you think you're still here at this point? You know, but what is your purpose in in looking forward that your age? That's so funny. As you know, I have a lot going on astrologically that looks very big and when I consulted with an astrologer I said does this look since it's so much about major shift doesn't look like it's the end of my life and I'm ready. I've had an amazing life complicated but quite wonderful and he said oh no. No, he said service runs all through your truck. And I think I think I'm here to serve as we go through what I think are going to be very chaotic times very confusing complicated a challenging for people distressing and holding an energy of come and openness and compassion and also bringing
21:10 Whatever information I have as a possibility for people to hold.
21:22 As they're being challenged and I think they're going to be increasing challenges.
21:29 And that people of confusion lot of distress and lot of changes in people's personal lives that we're seeing it now relationships ending and careers chain.
21:44 Yeah, so I'm here if you know, I feel like I'm in a new face in my life however long and you know for for a while, it seemed like you were just ready to leave. I mean absolutely. Complete kind of what kind of taking place and if it is your time that you would be ready and come get absolutely and how and why the shift happened. I don't know but I felt really done and at this moment I feel on the edge of something very new and interesting and exciting and
22:28 Yeah, and Elsa may be right in your life. If someone were to ask you, who are you? How would you respond know? I had an interesting memory last couple of weeks. I may have been about eight or nine and I remember a repeating my name over and over Marjorie Marjorie. Who is that? Who is that and I couldn't find who that person was. There was nobody who said it wasn't the somebody that seem to match that name if it just felt like it was an arbitrary name on on this existence that it didn't seem to fit the notion of a person is so I didn't take it very seriously at the time. It was just kind of a curiosity but it's kind of what's going on for me at this time who I am I can't really
23:31 Could you even say could the questioning be what am I?
23:38 N020. I don't know. What am I think I'm of expression of reality. It's an expression of the Divine as we all are as everything is and in this particular form at this point to
24:01 To grow and develop and deserve the collective sounds a little corny, but I have times when I feel very expanded and feel like I am connected to all that is and that is the most those are the most thrilling moment of my life and then doesn't take long before I'm certain back into the small 83 year old body complaining about not being able to remember where it's at or where I'm going in my car interesting to be both and is both an exactly and accepting both.
24:48 So what is drawn Utah hospice work?
24:54 In this whole context, LOL. I think the recognition that I'm at the end of my life. I'm in the a November or December of my life and moving towards my own ending so curiosity about what that looks like and being with patients and being with people have their loss and doing grief counseling has been very engaging, actually. I've been very interested in dest for decades and decades and I just did to death and dying workshops years ago through at least three or four day workshops process of ranching exploring the end of life. So and of course the Sierra Leone wanting to not be here, so
25:48 And I saw it as a lovely way for me to offer my training and my compassion to people so is curiosity wanting to serve a feeling it was potential is potentially very intimate work which interests me very personal where people are stripped and unmasked because the immediacy of the end of life or the immediacy of loss from grief cuts through cuts through all them asking all the shit. Yeah. So it's it's been it's been very sad this morning.
26:26 And what is your sense or understanding at this point about what happens at death and afterwards cuz that'll probably I don't know, you know directions all through your I think I have a bunch of beliefs about it based on having seen a lot of people talking about near-death experiences. And what's available in the spiritual literature. I think there's an ongoing this of name at the sole of the essence.
27:00 And it never ends. It just keeps going and maybe there's a return to another Incarnation. Maybe one moves on I've have just saying this in this is for me to say this, but I have a sense of a straw and Galactic connection and feel that at some point in my existence. I existed elsewhere and the end and the universe and it may be that I will return to some of those that original source.
27:42 I don't know. It's all Theory at this point, but I feel I feel, I feel I don't feel afraid of death because I am convinced of the ongoingness of some Essence that has shown up in this lifetime as Marjorie.
27:59 And I'm curious about it very curious about it and almost eager to know what it's going to look like, but for now, I'm here and
28:09 That's it for you get some sense of it. I think maybe in you know, you shared a lot of dreams, you know, you're someone who dreams a lot of my dreams. Yeah. Yeah.
28:28 You know tell me about you know, your dream life recently, you know, what what kinds of thing you know it in the past you've talked about how you know healing tends to happen or that things show up that you need to resolve it in your life through your dreams. Is there anything you'd like to share?
28:50 About that aspect of your dreams
28:54 But lately I've had a lot of intensely sexual dreams, which it was a really fun, but that's about at a meta-level. I have no idea but I've also had a lot of lately a lot of dreams about food and getting rid of old food.
29:16 So it feels like part of releasing that that's happening of old old stuff old stuff. No, no longer relevant. And periodically, I have dreams of babies being born which seems to point to something new being born something coming in. It says it's very varied.
29:42 But I do I do love my dreams and that I have great freedom of being able to linger in bed. I don't often have to get up early as one of the Delights of retirement and just kind of be with my dreams are being that they to space where something.
30:04 Something is possible between full sleep and full Awakening which feels very am richens and sweet.
30:14 So I'm in a piece and I'm obviously my interior Life Is Right is very important and and at this time and actually for most of my life.
30:31 So I'm at the end of my questions. I'm just seeing if there's something more. Is there anything more you would like to share?
30:43 That I haven't covered here.
30:47 About what's important to you during this phase of your life?
31:01 I just feel this more and there's more possibility which is not been in my awareness much before this this phase and
31:13 I'm kind of intrigued and the about the not knowing cuz there's no map and I'm not seeing maps from other people. And so
31:25 Yeah, it's it's a it's a it's a no no and it's it I'm welcoming the unknown Miss of it and I think at times it feels a little scary because it seems less predictable than other other time, you know, when you've mentioned Spiritual Awakening what exactly how would you describe what is spiritual awakening for Freedom now at this point to your as he leaves big questions? Oh my God, I wonder what it's going to sound like when I listen to this. I don't know. It's seeing are there so many contacts for that. It's m
32:08 Really having a deep knowing of what reality is and I'm being fully open to it and
32:22 It's us a Transcendent inclusion of
32:29 All that is to the extent that's available in human form and and also very connected to the the human form that has as its left.
32:45 And I mean I've had some very dramatic Awakenings what you're full of bliss and he's but I think it's it's much more complex than that and maybe not always so
32:58 Upbeat I think it's also can be very challenging because there is so much unknown and there is so much loss of
33:11 Of what feel safe and comfortable. So I think it's a very complex process that
33:20 Well as I'm saying today and who knows it may all change tomorrow. I feel in this moment. I want to welcome and embrace it all and be surprised that that's the interesting thing at this stage of life, right the surprise attack happening right now.
33:39 Which is tell us again, what would that surprises kind of unknown a kind of all the unknowns and the changes and the
33:57 Something you wanted to ask or every day.
34:04 So there's nothing more you'd like to add to any of this.
34:11 Not right. I feel I feel like I'd like to tell my whole life story. I'm having flashes of all these wonderful amazing moments, but I know this wonderful. Thank you and your questions have been so perfect. I mean not easy curious to see what came out of me and response. Thank you so much. They think they're very very thoughtful and and provocative and always very fun with you. We want to thank you for asking me to do I'm really thrilled and honored that you came out this morning. I'm not a morning person know but this at this was important. Thank you very much and it's been a really interesting process surprised. It's not easy questions. You may I didn't know you handle them. Beautifully, I think.
35:09 Okay, so thank you my friend. I have a lot of love and or you and I and gratitude for our friendship.