Angela Filipiak and Sydney Connor

[00:02] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Hi, I'm Angie Filipiak I'm 43 years old. It's October 11, 2023. We are in St. Louis, Missouri. My interview partner is Sydney Connor and we work together at SSM Health, Cardinal Glennon Children's Hospital. We're both nurses and I run our care for caregiver program.

[00:23] SYDNEY CONNOR: Hi, I'm Sydney Connor I'm 31. I am a charge nurse in the pediatric intensive care unit, and I've been there for five years now.

[00:37] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Awesome. Thanks for joining me today.

[00:39] SYDNEY CONNOR: Thank you for joining me.

[00:40] ANGELA FILIPIAK: So glad it's you sitting with me.

[00:43] SYDNEY CONNOR: I was nervous, and I'm glad it's just with you and me.

[00:47] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Totally.

[00:48] SYDNEY CONNOR: So tell me. I think my biggest question whenever I was thinking about what I wanted to talk about was do, how did this role come to you? And, like, how did care for the caregivers become a thing?

[01:03] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Great question. So I was a nurse. I've been a nurse for over 20 years. Crazy. It's gonna be 20. It was 21 years, I guess, this past August. And I did pediatric nursing at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, Maryland. Did that for about five years. And then when my husband and I got engaged, we decided to move back to the St. Louis area and I took a position at Cardinal Glennon. I thought I'd try the NICU, the neonatal intensive care unit, and holy cow, that freaked me out. There's no way I. The little micro, little tiny, tiny babies, right? I was used to working with older kids, so I lasted about six months in the NICU, and then I said, get me back to the older kids. I then transitioned upstairs on three south to the school age unit. And I was a charge nurse there also for quite a few years, and then had the opportunity to go to St. Clair Hospital in Fenton. So I took a leadership position there. I worked on an adult med surg unit. I was the nurse manager, but hadn't taken care of. Excuse me. Hadn't taken care of an adult since nursing school. So how I got that job, I'm not sure, but I was a leader there for three years and then had the opportunity to take the nursing director job at St. Clair Hospital in Fenton in their women's services or family birthplace. So again, had never been a labor and delivery nurse. So not sure why I got that position either, but I was there for three years. And then while I was at St. Clair Hospital, I did run. I was one of the leaders that ran the care for caregiver program, and I did that. But I also had a million other jobs, so I did that probably with one other leader for about five years. And then I realized, so Covid happened, and I was just exhausted. I was a mom, a leader, and a wife, and, like, trying to do all the things. I think Covid probably helped some of these feelings come to fruition where I just felt like I was giving everything to work and really had nothing left to give to my family. And I just felt like I didn't want to do it anymore. So I remember thinking, I don't have to do. I mean, I could do it. I can do this job, but I don't want to. So I just looked at SSM, and I always, my heart was always pediatric. So I looked to see what positions were open at Cardinal Glennon and Cindy. The very day that I looked to see what jobs were open, that the care for caregiver program manager position was posted that same day.

[04:01] SYDNEY CONNOR: Wow.

[04:02] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Yeah.

[04:03] SYDNEY CONNOR: That's cool.

[04:03] ANGELA FILIPIAK: It was pretty cool. It was meant to be, right? Yeah. I was like, wait, what? Just do this job. Like, and that's the part of being a leader. Like, I love taking care of the staff and, like, my nurses and everybody, but it was like all the other things that you had to do, you never felt like you could do it well enough or had enough time.

[04:23] SYDNEY CONNOR: Yeah.

[04:24] ANGELA FILIPIAK: So I immediately applied. I knew it would be a big pay cut going from a, you know, nursing director job to the care for caregiver job, but it didn't. I was like, you know what? Money doesn't.

[04:35] SYDNEY CONNOR: Yeah, who cares, right?

[04:37] ANGELA FILIPIAK: My husband Jeff, he's a nurse manager at St. Louis children's. So we were both, like, in the pediatric mindset, but we were both, like, 24/7 like, nonstop. You could always get a phone call worrying about managing, being on call.

[04:53] SYDNEY CONNOR: Yeah. That's what managers have to do in healthcare. And it's really, really hard.

[04:58] ANGELA FILIPIAK: It's exhausting, right?

[05:00] SYDNEY CONNOR: Yeah.

[05:01] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Because you don't turn, you don't forget or you don't turn off. Even as a pediatric ICU nurse, it's like, you work your shift, but then.

[05:09] SYDNEY CONNOR: Like, yeah, I think that's unfortunately the problem with healthcare in general. We all care a little too much about the things we leave behind when we clock out, whether it's our coworkers or our patients. That's always kind of tough.

[05:24] ANGELA FILIPIAK: It is.

[05:25] SYDNEY CONNOR: So is this at Cardinal Glennon, the first position that has a sole care for the caregivers coordinator?

[05:31] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Yeah. So we are so fortunate at Cardinal Glennon to be the only hospital in SSM that has somebody running the program. So my position this position was created in 2020, and I took the position in 2021. Before me, there was someone that did it, and she was a social worker, and she was amazing, but she had never worked in the hospital. So I think being a nurse running the program has been really helpful, because, like, when I'm listening, I get what's going on. Like, I know what. You know, when I hear, like, events that happen, I'm thinking, oh, my gosh. The staff that took care of that patient or the people that are involved, like, oh, my gosh. We really need to check on them. But. So, yes, but to answer your question, we are the only ones that have somebody hired everywhere else. Not even all SSM hospitals have the program. They're working on getting it up and going at all the hospitals. They did recently get a position up in Wisconsin, so for the Wisconsin region. So I think my goal and dream is to show how beneficial it is to, like, make sure that every hospital should have somebody running a program.

[06:41] SYDNEY CONNOR: Yeah, it's looking out. I mean, I can remember when I worked at DePaul and even when I started at Cardinal Glennon, like, you'd see the c, four c, and, like, oh, we're doing yoga or we're doing this or that. And I loved seeing that, and I always thought it was great, but I've always worked night shifts, so it's never been as accessible. But you being present has made that care for the caregivers accessible for me and night shift, because seeing you and you just coming around and saying, like, how are you doing? Is, like, so huge and impactful. And I know I can talk only from my experiences, but, you know, I adore you, and I adore the program. It's an amazing thing for healthcare workers, but I know other people feel the same way. Like, they're. Like, they can just feel the genuine concern. And it's a lot different than when someone. I feel like, it feels kind of elementary whenever, like, someone comes up to you and is like, how are you doing? It's kind of like when your kids come home from school, how was your day? And it's like, it's fine. You know, it is what it is, but you just know how to ask the right questions and, like, delve deeper so people can understand that. Like, one, I'm in a safe space. Angie. I can talk to Angie, but also, like, she does care. And it's not just about, did you eat lunch today? Or, like, silly, like, day to day, mundane things. It's just truly, like, are you okay? Like, are you doing okay? With everything that's going on, and it's really nice.

[08:14] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Thank you.

[08:15] SYDNEY CONNOR: I just love the program so much.

[08:17] ANGELA FILIPIAK: We're very lucky to have the program. And I think you being in the ICU, like, the day to day, taking care of patients and putting patients first and families first. Right. How long have you been in the ICU? Like, what's your experience been like?

[08:36] SYDNEY CONNOR: So I was. I started in the ICU at DePaul ICu, TCU. Cause there was, unfortunately, really poor staffing, so we were cross trained. And so that's where I learned. I liked critical care, but I left the bedside and did the clinic for, like, a year and a half. But then I came to the pediatric ICU in 2018 in the summertime. So it's been five years, and it's been great. I mean, I started there as a three year old nurse. I don't know how to say that, but so I came with. I felt like a good amount of experience, and I was really excited and gung ho about, like, learning everything about critical care and pediatrics and all the ins and outs. But I probably was two years in, two or three years in where I started feeling comfortable in my nursing skills, but then started taking on all the mental load of the PICU. And I think I. It's just being naive, like, to all of it, and maybe just, like, task managee brain where you're just nothing able to process those things, but now it just is a lot more frequent where you take care of a patient or you're just there and you just know these really sad cases are happening, and these poor families are suffering, and these children are suffering. And I think my biggest and hardest dilemma as a pic universe is the question of why, like, why does this happen to children? Why does it happen to their family? Why does it happen to us? Like, why do we have to endure that trauma? And I don't know the answer, and I'm sure I'll never find that answer, but I think that you have taught me, and I've had to learn on my own also, that, like, I do it because I get. I know I care, but I sometimes I think whenever I talk about it, it sounds so, like, masochistic. Like, I do it because I have to. Like, I don't think I do it because I have to. I do it because I do want to, like, make a difference in people's lives in those really tough moments. But having to learn how to kind of manage those emotions has been huge for me over the last few years. And figuring out how to not wear your heart on your sleeve, but also, like, maybe a little bit and cover it, protect it, but, like, let those families know that you're vulnerable, too. Yeah. It's a really big challenge, and I still think I'm learning, and I think I'll learn forever how to do it. Don't think there's ever going to be a right way or someone that's doing it perfectly, but, yeah, it's just. Yeah, a different challenge, but not a challenge I'm shying away from. I think a couple years ago, I would say I was very much shying away from it because I. I thought that being emotionally absent and building a brick wall was the right way to do it, but that just wasn't it.

[11:49] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Where do you think you got that, like, that feeling that that's how I'm supposed to do it. Like, I'm not supposed to be emotional. Do you have any insight to that? I'm just curious.

[11:59] SYDNEY CONNOR: Well, I think that, unfortunately, the event with my patient that passed away, that was really traumatic for me, taught me the most. That was. I think that was three years ago.

[12:11] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Was it really? It doesn't feel like that long ago.

[12:13] SYDNEY CONNOR: No, it doesn't. It could have been.

[12:15] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Wow.

[12:15] SYDNEY CONNOR: No, it was two because it was 2021. November 22, 2021.

[12:20] ANGELA FILIPIAK: It's fun. It's interesting how you remember. I mean, you won't forget that date.

[12:23] SYDNEY CONNOR: I don't think I will forget that date. I actually forgot his name. Okay. And then he. I had another traumatic experience in the PICU, and it was really weird. I had therapy, like, two days after it, and I told her, I was like, I remember his name. Like, it came back and I didn't feel her. The presence of the patient that I just had recently had the traumatic experience with, I felt him.

[12:54] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Okay. And it brought all those feelings back.

[12:57] SYDNEY CONNOR: It brought it all back. And we didn't do EMDR again. But she's like, that's totally normal. That is fine. Like, your brain still has the trigger of trauma. But she said as long as I wasn't having, like, the anxious thoughts or even falling into, like, a depressive state again, then it should be okay. And she's like, that's normal. So we just talked through it, which.

[13:21] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Probably felt really reassuring.

[13:22] SYDNEY CONNOR: It was so nice. Yeah.

[13:24] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Just to know that.

[13:26] SYDNEY CONNOR: Yeah. To have that, like, almost immediate validation, because it just worked out well. That, like, I went to therapy two days later, and she was like, just think about how this experience in the. Just two days ago was so. It was so similar. Was it to him? Yeah, very, very similar, eerily, like, very code ECMO withdrawal. So it was all this very similar stuff. And so she's like, it's just not shocking that your brain was triggered by it all. But anyway, so, yeah, I have come a long way since that patient in 2021, but I think you were the first person. Now I'm gonna cry. You were the first person that reached out to me. I mean, you know, my mom and my sisters, they're wonderful. But I was so in a place that I. I was a brick wall. I didn't let people in. I didn't let my emotions out because I thought that was the right way to do things. And then he died. And I was so sad for. I actually, in preparation for this email, went back and looked at, or this talk, looked back at my calendar, and November 21, 2021, was a Wednesday or a Tuesday, and then it was Thanksgiving, and then the next Tuesday, you called me. It was a week later.

[14:49] ANGELA FILIPIAK: I knew. I remember it being, like a week, and I felt bad, like, that I hadn't reached out sooner, but it's funny.

[14:54] SYDNEY CONNOR: How it all works out, but, yeah. And thanksgiving came and went, and I was brick wall. Like, I was okay, had to put up. You know, I wanted to be fine because it was Thanksgiving, and I didn't want to burden my family with this traumatic experience that they may not understand. And then you talked to me, and I was like. Like, it just. It felt, like, so comfortable and safe, and we were only talking on the phone. We weren't even talking face to face. And I just broke down, and I was like, I don't think I'm okay. Like, I think something's wrong. Like, I don't know why this is affecting me so bad. And you were like, it's okay. Like, you just validated all of those thoughts. And so then went to the. Oh, I got the eap. The eap therapist. And she was really great. Had five sessions with her, and then found Lauren because my sisters counseling friends with her. And so I started Emdr with Lauren, and it just, like, changed my life. And. But Lauren also changed my life. She's still my therapist to the day. And it just. That experience was so horrible. And so it just shook me, like, who I thought I was, who I thought, how I should act as a nurse, how I should be, how I should. Just everything that I thought was the right thing was wrong and not in a bad way, but just, it was. And I wasn't dealing with my emotions and my struggles at all. I was pushing them all to the side. And I think I thought that nurses just had to deal with it, just what we had to do because we signed up for it, and it's just so far from the truth. And so you and Lauren just helped me understand and validate my thoughts and feelings and accepted that, like, I love my job, I can love my job, and I can struggle at the same time, but finding those coping skills was so huge and important. And that's why I still. That experience has changed my outlook on, like, how I deal with interactions like that, but also how I try to help others through that, because I watch you do it. I went through it, and I'm like, I want them to know, like, it's okay. It's okay to be sad. And you can be sad and angry and frustrated and, like, all of these emotions and not, like, feel guilty, because I think I also felt, like, not my child. Why do I. That's taking something from them. And that's also an unfair line of thought because, like, we suffered, too. Just differently. Yeah, just differently. And it's just, like, just, yeah, I mean, like, understanding that we're humans, too, and giving the grace and kindness to ourselves and to others. And it made a huge change in me. It snowballed a huge transformation for me on all planes of my life, not just in nursing, but, yeah. I don't even remember what our original question is.

[18:21] ANGELA FILIPIAK: It doesn't matter. How do you, like, you feel like, it changed you as a person?

[18:25] SYDNEY CONNOR: Yeah.

[18:25] ANGELA FILIPIAK: How?

[18:25] SYDNEY CONNOR: Like, I think, like, and I still am working on this, but I think, like, giving. Understanding how important, giving myself kindness and grace in those really vulnerable moments and being vulnerable and, like, allowing people to come in and accepting those safe spaces taught me, like, I. Now I need to share that. Like, I need to be the model and the kindness and the grace that I give myself, I think that it's kind of like a cliche. Like, you have to love yourself before you can love others. And I think I learned that, like, I learned how to love myself, and I learned how to work through those really tough emotions on my. Well, not on my own, but, you know, in myself. So it makes it easier for me to have more compassion for others and kindness and, like, create space for people to open up. Yeah, I think you modeled a lot of that for me, though. I've seen a lot of really great interactions, but also the interactions you and I have had, I've learned how to, like, ask questions that are kind of, like, open ended, but, like, at the same time, like, direct. I don't know how to say that. But, like, not close ended questions, but, like, questions that will get the ball rolling in the thoughts processing.

[19:48] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Yeah, I think it's like getting. Giving people the space to process and then, like, asking them questions to get them thinking about whatever it may be. But just like, the experience you went through. Right. Or. And I think we're so. Our culture is not like that. Like, we're so, like, checkbox onto the next. Like, I got it is what it is. Yeah. And, like, I. But then I've learned. You've learned, like you said, but it's like, you push it down. Push it down. Like, this is just put our game face on. Right. But eventually it's gonna spill over when you maybe expect it, maybe least expect it. And that's just life, but it's.

[20:32] SYDNEY CONNOR: But it's hard. And it's like, that's what I think would be my dream for healthcare would. To be seeing that shift of mental health is so crucial to the high functioning nurse. And I think for me, that looks like if your patient dies, you go home.

[20:55] ANGELA FILIPIAK: I know.

[20:55] SYDNEY CONNOR: You don't have to take another patient. If a patient is dying, you don't have another patient. It's a lot of focus on how much of a toll that is and not even if they die, if they arrest really hard. I also think I dream of a world where there's a lot more training around grieving processes and, like, how to speak to families in those really tough times, because I think nurses are. Well, I think they are the most trusted profession in the country, but when it. I see a huge lack of knowledge when it comes to that section of nursing. And I think that would be so therapeutic for both nurses and families because I think we want to have those conversations, but most of us don't really know how to start it or what to do. And I also dream of, like, maybe like a group therapy or some type of a style where, like, we do our ethics meetings and stuff, but it's not, I think, engagement slow just because it is just not a. A common culture yet. Maybe it'll be there one day, but I just dream that everyone could experience what I've experienced. That's another weird thing about therapy, is accepting that, like, I chose to go on this path and not everyone has to do that. And that's still, to my. To this day, a tough thing to accept. Like, I want change is hard, and it's hard work, but I think the other side is so much brighter and better, and I want people to see that and I. And that's fine. It's a stigma. It is what it is. It's okay. But I just wish that I don't want people to suffer, right.

[22:48] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Well, and I think we know, like, so many people are suffering and the stigma is huge and we don't ask for, for how we see that as a weakness, but really it's a strength. Like, such a strength.

[23:00] SYDNEY CONNOR: It's such seen as a weakness.

[23:03] ANGELA FILIPIAK: I know myself, like, I take medicine for depression, and even as a healthcare worker, I'm like, oh, I have depression on my problem list when I go to the doctor and like, oh, that kind of, like, you worry. But then it's like, when you look at statistics, like the majority of people, you know these problems, right? And then the mental health crisis with kids and adults, the whole world, it's not enough resources, and it's a huge, huge problem that we have yet to.

[23:36] SYDNEY CONNOR: Like, it's just so sad. Makes me so sad that the suffering, I think, is all I think about. I just don't like that people suffer. And I wish that. Yeah, I just, I see a huge population of people that suffer in us as nurses, and we do it because we think we have to.

[23:55] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Yeah. And I think so many other people do, too. And they don't know that there's help out there, resources out there, and you can't push it on anybody. Like you said, some people are like, whether they've been in healthcare or wherever, whatever job or position or role you have, you just think, this is what I have to do. And it's a weakness, but it's like, no, I mean, and you can't make somebody get help. They've got to come to that realization on their own. I think, for it to. Yeah, I always say, like, oh, I'm 43. Like, gosh, I wish I would have learned that when I was 21. Like, shoot, I really would have conquered the world. Like, you know, like, if I only knew that or listened or I. Yeah.

[24:35] SYDNEY CONNOR: I say that all the time. I'm like, darn it, I'm 31. Did I waste years of my 20 years? And thankfully, I have a wonderful partner that is good at talking me off all those crazy ledges I go to on my brain. But he's like, you're at the right place at the right time. That's just how it should be. At least you got there. You know, there's people that go their whole lives without being introspective or looking at self reflection and trying hard to be better because I think I don't want to be better. I just want to be the best me that I can be for my people around me.

[25:13] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Yeah.

[25:14] SYDNEY CONNOR: And now that I became a charge nurse, I felt even more responsibility about it because I care. I just. I don't know that it's weird, but I think I just care a lot about our new nurses.

[25:24] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Yeah.

[25:25] SYDNEY CONNOR: They, I feel like, are coming into a world of healthcare that's just different than we did. And I've only been there for eight years, and it just feels so different than what it was when I was a new nurse, and I just hate that for them. How so?

[25:39] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Like, what do you tell me more?

[25:41] SYDNEY CONNOR: I think, like, when I was a new nurse, it was definitely the old, eat the young, and that was a stigma that I already knew about. But I. My mom taught us to be pretty tough skinned, so I didn't really care too much, and I didn't take a lot of it personally, but I. I just feel like it's tougher. I don't know if it's because they're starting in the pIcU and I didn't start in a pIcu. I'm not sure. I feel like the world is different. I feel like they just have a different understanding of the world than we do or I did, and they. I don't know. I think probably the most of it is the pic. You. It's a really tough place to start, but those that do are usually very intelligent, like, good heads on their shoulders, like, strong willed, like, they can do it. They just have to gain that confidence. But it's just. I don't know. And maybe it's the same as it was for me eight years ago, and I just have no memory of it, but it just feels like it's a very tough time in nursing. Everyone's saying there's just lots, it seems lots of, like, controversy around how the healthcare system is and how it could be and it could be better and could be this. And I've been told by some nurses that they get approached by union leaders, and that's a lot for someone at 23 years old. I cannot. At 23 years old, I didn't care about politics. I didn't care about the world around me. I cared about myself and my apartment and my boyfriend. And, like, that was. It's just kind of. I think as a young 20 year old, you're just kind of egocentric, and that's fine. You're just learning. And so I just feel like coming into the workforce right now, and maybe it's not healthcare. It's just being an adult right now, it's just a tough time. The economy sucks, and they're like, I want to live on my own, but I can't afford it kind of a thing. And most of them don't complain about that, but, like, I know. It's just. I don't know. It's just tough. And we unfortunately do still have some nurses that like to belittle and eat their young, and that's really hard for me to watch. And I try hard to protect them, but at the same time, I have to remind myself, like, they are adults. Like, they can protect themselves. Like, they're not these little baby ducklings that I think I picture in my brain. I just want them to feel like they're safe. And I also. Our providers are tough, they're intensivist, and they also care a lot and can be very direct and sometimes mean. And they. Those nurses cry more at the providers than the nurses, and I hate that. I'm like, I just don't want you to feel sadness. It's a weird feeling. I don't know why I care so much about protecting them, but I. It's. I don't know. I just want them to have good experiences.

[28:49] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Well, I think it's. It's because you care. And even in my position, like. Like, when I know someone's hurting, like, it hurts me, too. Like, you know, whether you or anybody I'm checking on, I'm like, oh, they're really hurting. Like, yeah, we're fixers. That's why, yeah, we want to fix things.

[29:05] SYDNEY CONNOR: Yeah.

[29:06] ANGELA FILIPIAK: We get a problem, we fix it, and then, you know.

[29:08] SYDNEY CONNOR: Yeah. And it feels that's what we're trained.

[29:10] ANGELA FILIPIAK: To do, so I think that's why.

[29:11] SYDNEY CONNOR: Yeah.

[29:12] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Does that make sense?

[29:13] SYDNEY CONNOR: Yes, but, yeah, that's what my therapist said. Yeah, I definitely could see that. Because that's our world.

[29:22] ANGELA FILIPIAK: That's all we know. So we think, like, everybody thinks like us, but people don't, I guess. I don't know.

[29:26] SYDNEY CONNOR: They don't. And sometimes I wish I had a little ounce of that. Cause I do sometimes envy those that can clock out and truly not think about work. It's definitely something I've worked really hard to get better at. I don't think I'll ever be 100%, and that's not who I am. I don't think. But stressing a little less about work when I'm not there because I think that's my biggest character flaw, is this feeling of control. And I like being in control and understanding that I'm not. And letting that go, letting all of that just. It doesn't matter. I can do what I can do. That's all I can do. I can only do my best.

[30:15] ANGELA FILIPIAK: I think that's huge. I mean, I think a lot of people probably feel that way. Like, you can only do so much or feel like you. You know, you care so much, and it, like, hurts us. Right. But then it's trying to remember that, okay, we're doing as much as we can, and that's enough. I've always struggled with that. Like, I'm not doing enough, no matter what job I've been in. And I think that's my care, you know? Like, same thing. Like, oh, I should have. Could have, whatever. And how hard we are in ourselves to judge and say, oh, I should have done. You know, the. You know, you hear stuff, like the negative screams at us. We remember that one thing that didn't go well or you didn't go the way you wanted it to, but we forget about the million amazing things that we do every day, you know? Yeah, I think people in general, regardless of healthcare or not, you know, I don't know. That's how I feel often. Like, it.

[31:12] SYDNEY CONNOR: It's just in our brains.

[31:13] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Yeah, I know.

[31:14] SYDNEY CONNOR: Because I think. But it wears you down in nature.

[31:16] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Yeah. Yeah, it wears me down. It.

[31:18] SYDNEY CONNOR: Where.

[31:18] ANGELA FILIPIAK: You know, it's like, oh, you're emotionally exhausted. Right. But, yeah, it's trying to figure out, okay, how do I. Like you said, love yourself, take care of yourself, be kind and graceful.

[31:29] SYDNEY CONNOR: Yeah.

[31:29] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Cause we all have flaws. We all mess up every day, but. And that's one thing with my kids, I try to really emphasize, like, it's okay. Like, mistakes. That's how we learn, you know? Like, just trying to, like, I don't know. I'm not, like, blaming anybody for why I am the way I am, but you just. I don't know. It's just weird. Like, you think you're. No one's supposed to make a mistake, but it's like, yes. I mean, I don't know why I think that.

[31:51] SYDNEY CONNOR: Yeah, it's so silly. It is so silly, but it is so true. Like, I still, to this day, can be so hard on myself. Cause I didn't do. I didn't say the right thing or I didn't choose the opportunity to speak up or this or that. And, yeah, it's so hard to accept that I'm still human. Like, I still can make mistakes, and those around me can still make mistakes, and they're still learning and being meand to or short or grumpy with them is just not the solution, because why would they learn at all from that interaction? And that's, like, again, like, the hardest part about transformation is, like, accepting. I have flaws. I have. I'm never, ever gonna be perfect. Cause I think when I started therapy, I thought I would have this achievable goal of, like, being perfect. And my therapist was like, you gotta let that go. And so now that I feel I'm definitely not there yet, but, like, getting closer makes it easier to accept others flaws and mistakes and just accept that, like, I can meet them where they're at to help them grow. And I think most of the time, my meeting them where they're at is, like, corrective. Like, here's how we can do this better, or, here's how I would have done this differently. Much more, like, technical nursing stuff. But my hope is, like, by learning all of that and, like, watching really strong leaders, like, you model really great behavior for me, I can create safe spaces for people that maybe one day they can come to me about stuff that they're struggling with.

[33:41] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Yeah. And I think that's so important. Like, you're the role model, like, right. Just like you said, like, you saw me the way I've done stuff. So then you are out there doing it, and it just helps people. Like, oh, okay. Like, and maybe I don't need Sydney right now, or maybe I don't need care for caregivers right now, but it's like, knowing that, hey, there is somebody if and when you need it.

[34:01] SYDNEY CONNOR: Yeah.

[34:02] ANGELA FILIPIAK: You know?

[34:03] SYDNEY CONNOR: Yeah. I feel like I ramble about it all the time because it's just such a, like, powerful thing. But it's not something that's just, like, this simple. Like, it is just so much more complex, like, our brains and how they work, because sometimes we're really stressed about not being a good nurse. Like, I've heard those complaints and stresses and worries, but then other times, it's like, this really freaking sucked. Like, why did they have to die? Kind of a worry. And it's just all so complex and just. Yeah, I just want to. I think I just don't want people to suffer, and that's just unrealistic. Cause everyone is gonna suffer. I've been noticing this weird thing where I. My nephew, my oldest nephew, he's been playing a lot of sports, and I've, like, been very hyper fixated on, like, I want him to be included. I don't want him to feel sad. I want him to make the play. I want him to get the touchdown. And Whitney's like, it's okay. Like, suffering is reality, sadness is reality. Like, he will learn from that. And I'm like, oh, how can. Oh, gosh, no, I'm choking.

[35:14] ANGELA FILIPIAK: It's like the overprotective. It's like overprotective, but then.

[35:19] SYDNEY CONNOR: Yeah.

[35:19] ANGELA FILIPIAK: And it's like, that's how you learn in life, right? Or, you know, but it's like you don't want them to fall into.

[35:24] SYDNEY CONNOR: I hate that. And it's like, why did I. Why do I care? And I don't know. I don't know if it's because I. I suffered and I don't want someone to suffer through that, but it's just kind of a silly expectation for life. But. Excuse me, you're good. It just. I don't know. It all comes back to nursing for me.

[35:46] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Yeah. Yeah.

[35:48] SYDNEY CONNOR: I think nursing is such a huge part of who I am. I think one day maybe I won't relate all of my life to nursing because I don't know if it's 100% great to define myself as my job, but for me, it's. Right now, it's who I am. It's where I learned so much about myself, and I'm very passionate about helping others and really all the aspects of care for the caregivers. Like, I want to help my patients, but at the same time, I think maybe I care more about my coworkers because I want them to. I just want healthcare to be different. I think the stigmas to go away and people to get the help that they need and feel supported.

[36:32] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Yeah. Hopefully one day there will be, you know, all the mental health resources we need, everyone needs. And whether you're in healthcare, you're in whatever community, wherever you live, knowing that, hey, you can find the help you need.

[36:47] SYDNEY CONNOR: Yeah.

[36:47] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Regardless of anything. Ability to pay.

[36:51] SYDNEY CONNOR: Yeah.

[36:53] ANGELA FILIPIAK: The stigma, anything like that. So that's what. That would be amazing, right?

[36:58] SYDNEY CONNOR: I would. A big dream, but, yeah, I like to dream big, and I like to think that we used. You are the stepping stone for starting small. I like to feel like incarnate glue and like, thank you. You make a difference, and I feel a difference since you've taken that position.

[37:16] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Thank you. But remember, too, I wanna thank you, though, because you're part of the care for caregiver program by being a peer supporter in your department and being out there frontline doing the work and looking out for people and looking out for yourself and being that role model. So it was so good to talk with you today.

[37:34] SYDNEY CONNOR: I know. It's always so good. Yeah, it's an emotional topic for me, obviously.

[37:40] ANGELA FILIPIAK: No, me too. Cause I care. Just like we both care so much, so it's like you just wanna do it.

[37:45] SYDNEY CONNOR: Something very passionate. Yeah. Okay.

[37:50] ANGELA FILIPIAK: Thank you.

[37:50] SYDNEY CONNOR: Thank you.