Ayianna Jackson and Tabitha Jackson

00:02 Hi, my name is Tabitha Jackson. I'm 36 year old and my 26 year old body. Today's date of Saturday, November 9th, 2019. And I'm located in Chicago, Illinois today. I'll be interviewing my daughter my kid my A1 my Ace Ayanna Jackson and I'm her mom's.

00:24 Hi, my name is Ayanna Jackson. I'm 19 years old today's date is Saturday, November 9th of 2019. We are located in Chicago, Illinois. I will be interviewing my mother my ride or die and Tabitha Jackson and I am her daughter.

00:45 It was the 9th of November.

00:49 Always remember so let's just get down to a kid. I got a couple of questions that I wanted to talk to you about. We're going to go back and forth. We're going to find the real you are going to search for the real me and we're just going to get this thing crackin. I mean, how was your last been been? Like, how was your last year been like for you? I know you went through a lot. I would love to hear about it.

01:12 2019 it was an emotional roller coaster as far as my part because I graduated high school and began College all this here are some very proud of you for their thank you and I got my first real job so but yeah life is been pretty pretty decent for me. I could ask you the same. How's your last year been? I mean based off of what you just said not too far off from it. I mean, I didn't graduate high school and I didn't start your college. However, as far as the emotional rollercoaster, definitely, I mean, there's been some ups and downs. There's been some Eerie moments. There's been some extremely happy moments has been some questionable things going on a lot of indecisive decisions being made a lot of sticking to what needs to be.

02:12 Done, but overall if I were to rate 2019 for me one being the worst this year that I've ever seen and 10 being the best issue that I ever seen. I think it would be a strong 7 and 1/2 8.

02:30 That's pretty good cuz I don't seem to be pretty good years in my life.

02:36 Looks like a 10-year for you. Then a 10-year for me what was out of here for you know, hopefully 2020 is going to be that they need to come me. Like I had an experience just say like off the top of my head. This year was a 10. No, I can't say that cuz there's some things I've gotten me pretty close. This year is pretty close. I mean in a seven and a half eighth, that's pretty close at sleeping if you round up that's 10, but I mean it's not so hopefully hopefully next year, you know, it's everything that we got lined up in things that I can honestly put it at the end of the year 20 2010.

03:17 What do you imagine your life situation to look like in like 10 years? Oh, wow. Well, you know I ate so gracefully. So that's going to be a nice little time. For me to kind of elevate my fashion sense and like my character and get everything together. Hopefully in 10 years will definitely be establishing a new house that we're working with habitat with to kind of get you no established in the game as far as owning our own property. I would love love love to have my hands wrapped around my own business to make sure that I am bringing in my own income and that I am responsible for and I mean to grab that horse by the reins and just take off into the wind sounds really nice for me.

04:08 I'm so I mean, there's a lot of people that I know that you've been experienced too. And I'm also familiar with the fact that a lot of people that you're surrounded by. Do you have some influences in your life as far as decision-making processes or steps that you want to take her like a life-changing moment. Is there anybody that kind of pops up in your head that maybe a very influential person in your life kid. This is one influential woman. I like

04:44 I feel like I've known her my whole life. Please help me with everything. She's told me to thicken thin thick and thin it's really important. I'd have to say Oprah Winfrey that cry when happy I just clutch my pearls and I'm not even wearing any problems right at know that I know I mean Oprah she's a piece. So I mean, she's not the most important. I'm barely I'm not going to lie. I barely even watch over for being a man. She wasn't even on TV when you were coming up like Oprah's was like 90 be when I were here. But like there's a lot of things on TV when I wasn't when I was around I still watch this is not something that you ran back on Netflix do either like this is not correct.

05:30 Your threats and honestly, I'm the most important person and all of my decision-making is obviously you cuz it's been a yes if it's definitely been

05:47 Definitely been a cruise in 19 years with you.

05:53 Cruising in teenagers like a cruising like Smokey Robinson know like we're on a boat. There's been some high waves goes by but pretty cool. I try to get you know.

06:08 I try to do what I could do when I could do it. You know that you do it all the time say less.

06:16 So I mean as far as where you're at right now, and are you pretty content with your situation if you were going to evaluate your life right now, if you were 5 years old 7 years old 12 years old and you had to talk about your future self when you turn 19 and where you wanted to be and where you thought you were going to be. Where are you and comparison to that as that a good thing or bad thing and does it help you strive for better or you comfortable where you're at? It's like a three-part question. I need a BNC 40 of them, but that's okay.

06:54 If I had to explain my life right now to my five-year-old self know and I'll do it the other way if I had to I'm confused. Can you repeat the question, please? Okay. So like if you were when you were younger and you were looking like in the future at your future self, where are you at now in comparison to where you what like if I ask my five year old self, like what do you want to be and she had tell me what her future was how close am I to the Future? All right, cuz I'm Raw like that. I'm not going to lie. I could be better I could be better cuz in my when I was five, I wasn't really thinking about College college was still a distance for me understandable, but I knew that I I knew my profession. I knew that I wanted to be a vet.

07:54 That's what I originally wanted to be but I no longer want to do that because I love animals that is always much so I would bring home all of the animals. So I I'm still in the medical field though. I still want to be a neurosurgeon and I still don't happen Okay about that life and you so I'm not far. I mean I'm night. I didn't just shift past like that. So I stayed around the same path cool. I ain't your consent. We were you at right now. Are you striving I can better. So this is this like that puts a fire under you and kind of makes you wonder, you know, grab a little bit more out of life or what I mean is always a fire in a meeting and then I can always have more like whether I say that verbally or have it in the back of my head, there's always a fire that's like you could be better and you could be doing this better. You could be doing it and sometimes it gets annoying but sometimes it helped his health. Kovar too many different personalities is not a good thing.

08:54 Volume 18 of them as long as me and you have been involved with what's a pretty strongly and the beginning you like. We're still going to your Sting with high school and everything. So I wasn't really leaning on you. But after you got out of school, you really took, you know, it's by surprise and jumped in there like head first and kind of been doing your thing. Like what do you think about the program that were with with habitat the year-and-a-half rounding the corner with us a potentially owning a property within the next couple of months. Like what does that do for your spirit?

09:41 It kind of makes me really excited because you look extremely excited from over here. I just let everybody know Express excitement. I'm just I'm I like the way you kind of swivel that in that I was don't know but I feel like I'm very excited because you know, we moved around they remove from Beloit to Rockford to Chicago that everywhere so being that kind of like introverted person that you know, I am when it comes to new people here know it like it like it definitely helped but I mean, it wasn't like the best feeling being like I had to make this relationship with these people.

10:32 And I'm not Alright by got to go but I feel like now it's a genuine like I can actually say I am home like before ya home is where the heart is but like you are never really think like something is going to be yours entirely like you can if I want to I can go pay my room right now. You could be like, if you're in an apartment, you can't do that. You have to ask permission. Then you have to go to the end of the song. I mean what made you want to apply for Habitat for Humanity?

11:12 Basically almost every day that you said the fact that we have been moving around from place to place. I mean we moved here to Chicago. What about maybe you were the fourth grade? So about 10 years ago and I can name

11:29 How about seven different apartments that we had since we lived here over the last 10 years. I started to bother me a little bit when I was in the zone and that you can write with your back up against the wall. You kind of got to do what you got to do. And then when you do make that adjustment you kind of just wipe the sweat off your brow and I just happy that you made it through another moment. So you're kind of caught up in that zone where you're just comfortable with just surviving and you don't really strive for what you need to solidify you as a person and a help you grow more and more and earn more out of life. So that bother me we moved around a lot. But I try to stay in the same neighborhood to try to keep you around the same kids. So like you grew up like, you know what this with Hibbert and would like at mind everything's you guys kind of went to school together and then you move on to the high school and I'm glad

12:29 Are you able to have that for years where you were capable of you? Don't have any building friendships with people over that longevity. Of time. I love going to all your sports. He's been like your water polo is your volleyball was team mom like wherever you were that like gave me.

12:50 A little extra boost in life, but at the end of the day, I always knew that it just wasn't haar's and there's nothing even if even if you anything anything you can go rent a car and it could be nice and shabby but at the end of that you got to take it back you you can go, you know rent a hotel room. They could be the best hotel room in the world. But at one moment in time, you got to get up and you got to leave that room where it's at. Its it's just a different feeling when you go out and you buy something and it's yours. You just treat it differently. You you you feel differently about yourself. You show yourself What You're Made Of You know, when you look at look at the journey that you took to get it whether it was an easy Road A Hard Road illegal Road illegal or whatever it was too for you to get would you at 1 at that moment in time? And when you grab a hold to it? It just makes you feel different about yourself and makes you feel like there's nothing in front of you that you can't take on as long as you put

13:50 Mind to it it can happen and it might not happen within that month or 30 day. That you wanted to and may take you two years. But if you want it bad enough, you're not going to stop until you get it. So I just I mean you've been a really great kid. I got to admit. You know what I'm saying? Like you've always impressed me. You've been you strive hard and you've been

14:13 Anal up against some obstacles that break people sometimes and is hard to get through as especially as a child then moving around like that and me being you be my responsibility. I feel fully responsible for the fact that it bothered you that we moved around so much. I had to change that I had to do something and I know that it was at the end.

14:38 I have your Greer like high school days and things like that, but I didn't care I needed to I needed to do this. So that it doesn't matter where you go, or what you decide to do if your if you go abroad for 2 years overseas, or if whatever you decide you can always come back to a place that you call home and I'll be sitting there waiting for you whenever you need to walk to the door.

15:03 So I guess that's what fuel my fire. I was unsure. I was scared as hell. I don't know if I could say that but I just know that it wasn't something that that I knew that I was going to be able to do what things were set up where I felt like I wasn't able to do it almost backed out of the program cuz I felt like I wasn't that where I needed to be in.

15:23 Man, you know when he opens the doors you got to walk through them in order to see results and luckily. I walked through this door. So hopefully we'll see the results in the next couple of months kid.

15:34 100%

15:40 I need to have a question for me back questions for you. You know, we always talk we've always had a pretty good relationship, but we felt open talking about anyting I mean and if it depends on what questions you want to ask I mean or answer like

15:58 Hey, how is your new job? I know you I know you just got a new job. How's that working out for you?

16:09 It's been going good I have.

16:13 I have an established by work on my Barista. You can come and see me know but like whatever you made me last time whatever Diana special was in the cup man. It's only like 2 seconds and down that it was really good. I can make that I can make some like I'm very creative when it comes to the drinks like when you like know what you're doing.

16:37 It's so fun. It's so fun making drinks. I'm not going to lie. That's cool. I like to fuck you like what you see. I think I love you so much because as alike as a lifeguard doing that you don't ever really see that you hardly ever see the good looking for a Lego lifeguard. They deem it to be like this Baywatch moment. It's not always like that. I know none of that you can get some tan lines that are pretty horrible as a lifeguard. But remember in the people there. They don't care the very rude like if you don't go by their rules is no way and I'm like

17:12 Can't do that in so as a working at Starbucks this morning like a connection that you build with the people. Like I have like me only working there for like a month. I already know people who come in and order the same thing every day like this like and like that's so cool. Cuz like this one lady her name's Eva she walks in and she orders a venti iced coffee with no sweetener in 2% milk. That's it. That's all she ever order canister. I'm just kidding. I don't know nothing about the backup to say is that they get worse. But yeah, she's like she's very cool. She's very quick or whatever. It's just like something it's only that I thought was really cool that you can like pick up on people and be like, hey you come here all the time. You just want the regular and then it's a relationship. I don't know. It sounds like like when you're a lifeguard you were kind of like that enforcer figure so it's kind of hard for you to connect.

18:12 To some of the people that came to where you're working at because you had to be there in force or so, even if you wanted to be cool and hang around it and like you know laugh and have fun. You still had to be that little higher. Hey, yeah. Yeah exactly. But now it seems like you enjoy it more cuz you're more personable and you're able to kind of you know, show your character and pick up in and do small talk like small that would be why I don't know 100% can do long conversations to have with people. I don't know that that's what bothers me and I think I told you that like it when it comes to like anybody random I can be like hey, how are you? How are you? How's your day going? And how's the weather like fake conversation like small talk? But when it comes to having a deep conversation, I can't have that do I just don't know understand why me that you yet. That's your vulnerability you choose to show that to who you want to and who you don't want to people who you know a little bit more may know a little bit more.

19:12 How to because you're inviting them into your world and you're allowing them to know go tell me we do kind of whether we like it or not. We do kind of live in a judgmental world. So if people don't know you personally been and you say something like off the top that happened in your life they may look at you like dang girl, like for real, that's how you feel. But like if I grew up with you when I seen everything that you went through and you tell that story to me I look at you like, you know what that I can see how that help build you I could see how you got through that. I can see how that affected you. So I mean you got to be choosy when we talked to like that you do but you have to you have to put yourself in specially if you have the opportunity to speak to other people and be some type of influence you have to show your vulnerability to them in order for them to open up to you, you know, a lot of people don't have people to talk to about issues for a lot of people right now like

20:07 Don't understand how to get through the next step because they don't have an outlet but that's why I mean it's very important for me and you to talk all the time always an outlet. I don't care what it is, whatever whatever you need to talk about. Good bad in between high low left and right. I don't care as long as you have somebody you can get it off your chest. Even if I have to sign a disclosure that says I can't say anything after I finish this Comfort after you tell me whatever you say. I was trying to just close your just get it off your chest. You have to you feel better. But I mean, we've always everywhere we've been I haven't been everywhere is okay. We still a lot of traveling to do we do but I mean 100% I mean, I'm trying to take this road trip with you to Cali to go see Taylor. I can't like that would be so cool. I wouldn't want to do with anybody else like a straight cross-country road trip that have you so dope but I mean New York even wear an Africa like that was that was a life-changing moment for me. Like I don't know how you feel. But man who did I not Kiss the Girl?

21:06 As soon as the airplane landed like that was just so Monumental, but even over there like in a whole nother country people just flock to you like your spirit was just so bright and people just love engaging in conversation with you and just could pick up on your Vibes and that to me speaks numbers that you can go anywhere as in people could just pick up on your Vibes like that. You have to realize sometimes you're an influencer even though you don't want to be and if you have the opportunity to be you might as well use it to the best of your ability.

21:44 I live life want yellow.

21:48 Delete it. Delete it.

21:53 I know I know you didn't at least I did Pollo Rollo, whatever it doesn't matter.

22:05 What is your future hold? I don't know honey wide open. I mean you're 19.

22:12 What is your future hold? Exactly? I don't know. I mean, I wish I could be like, okay. So on this day I'm taking my schedule. I'm single where I want to be and when I want to do but I just have to commit first and I honestly haven't committed to anything other than this house right now working getting you to school. I succeeded doing that you graduated high school year in college doing your thing. You're working. So boom. You know I'm saying scratch that off my bucket list of what not. I didn't right now like my main focus is this house. I mean, it's a couple of months away. We're supposed to be closing in January.

22:54 Oh my God, that's going to be like so cool. I can't sometimes I like.

23:01 Like I get emotional thinking about it.

23:04 Like this is really happening. Like I just sit like sometimes I just be sitting at the house and maybe watching TV or whatever and I'm just like is this true? Like is this real like somebody pinch me like some somebody pinch me somebody Pinch Me Like You Do the thing is like I just get emotional about it because it's like, oh my God every single thing that we've been through.

23:36 You have no idea. How do I mean just generally amps I meant I said you have no idea but let me know cuz you were right there going through everything with me. So, of course you have an idea so that but it's just going to be so fulfilling and that's going to be another thing checked off my bucket list and then boom once I get my feet in the sand over there with the house. Then I can't commit to something else. I have different ideas. I got a book of them and I'm saying I said and I write what I want to do. I want to be I look at it and see what's going on in the world today as far as like, you know, but different markets in different Industries and I'm going on what role that I can play and on what my passions are where I could take off the best way to set myself up and I'm saying so I'm not setting myself up for failure vs. Setting myself up for Success like when you

24:29 When you shoot when you shoot First Avenue, miss you and I'm saying you when it happened me when it happens over and over again like that. You start building this fear of failure, you know where it where you just get so tired of not succeeding where it comes to a point where you almost want to give up because you just don't want to give it everything that you got and not

24:55 And taking out, you know what? I mean? Like I nobody wants to take a nap but it's different if I'm if I'm doing something half-ass or if I'm doing something at full capacity like to taken out in both of those waves hit they hit different. So I mean, I got something that I'm kind of getting over right now with myself, like there's nothing to fear but fear itself once I conquer fear then there's nothing that's going to be able to stop me right now at this pivotal moment in our time as far as with the house. I've doubted myself so many thousands of times like I still wake up in the middle of the night. Like let me just check my figures. Let me just check my credit score. Let me just check this to make sure that everything lines up to where I needed to be so that this does not fall through the cracks. It would bother me a lot and I'm saying I could have gave up I could have been like, you know what maybe this wasn't my time. Maybe your mom said it wasn't for me.

25:55 Maybe this because everything you know that I really felt like X my back was up against the wall.

26:02 But I did it I just held on I pushed through it persevere. You know what I'm saying? We're here now. So when that moment comes and we finally have it it's going to do something for me.

26:15 Can do a lot for me.

26:20 I feel it coming from.

26:23 I mean having a home for you like

26:29 What does it mean?

26:33 Having having a home for me is like.

26:37 It for me is not always physical. You found me like a materialistic item you're mean.

26:43 Yeah, but like physical health agencies and let you can touch something like that. Like that's not always home. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I understand. So what I believe a home is is where you're the happiest because where you where you're the most relaxed where you for the most comfortable where you're the happiest I feel like that's home and like whether it's at like this like abandoned building where that you like. Where are we going to hang out with your friends and just chilling relaxing Jesus Vive or whether it's like

27:21 You did not even say that I was going to say like just cuz I didn't say but like

27:31 I'm saying.

27:37 But then

27:41 Just let it out.

27:50 I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm done.

27:54 Who I was a good laugh, though.

27:58 It's just it's just whatever. I'll come on now don't get to hang out in abandoned building but I'm saying like I have to give an example of they tell me that's not a house. You got him saying hey play tomorrow by Cala houses in physical and be like that sounds stupid. Like I was trying to give an example. So I'm sure understandable. I get what you're saying. I'm sorry for cutting you off. I apologize. But I just say I just like when you slid that through here cuz I was listening to you and I just heard it but it's cool. I understand what you're saying, but it's not just physical is where the heart is like, you said.

28:45 Like like what's that Luther Vandross song?

28:49 I don't know. I just like that my you don't know.

29:00 A chair is not a chair.

29:03 Some it like if nobody is sitting there like okay not so then you understand what I'm saying like a whole building. But unless the people that you love and the people that you want to spend this moment with are enjoying it with you than what is it? Basically what you're saying you're going to get a little deeper. So I'm your life. You know, I know you experienced a lot. Can you give me an example of one of the most happiest moments in your life that you can recall just off the top of your head not too much thought process and then on the hind side of that. Can you give me one of the saddest moments that you've experienced? And I mean you can open up as much as you want to

29:55 The happiest moment of my life was probably graduating on time with you. Yeah, like graduating for me was a very very great feeling cuz like a prison show that you like work these years and years and years and years. You put your hole into it to make sure that you can get into like colleges and pursue the Creator that you want in real life and just like make your life your life and like the fact that I was able to get over that. That's why the happiest moment of my life.

30:35 Sad saddest moment of my life.

30:40 It would probably have to be when I got some of the rejection letters from

30:51 NYU and things like that, like my very very very top schools that I really wanted to get into.

31:00 They hit a little different cuz like when you sit there and you're like

31:06 Will you sitting here like oh, I don't think I'm good enough for the school. I'm still going to apply like you always like that. Hope like maybe I just think about you know, how you'll go to like, you'll take a test and like you think you did good but you'll be like guys that test was so hard like, I don't think I passed but you knew that you'd like you might have passed that you had a very strong feeling about it. And then you get the test back is like a d I really didn't pay understandable. So it just kind of hit a little different cuz like now you have like these thoughts like I'm not good enough and like they just verify it. You got him saying like they don't mean to like it's not their fault. They're not like, oh you suck don't ever apply here again. Why did you even do that? No, it's just like they try to do it as quietly as possible when you have like that like mental.

31:56 I thought process like you're not good enough. You're not going to get in it affects if it affects how you see an outcome come out cuz a lot of people that could have been like oh, okay understandable only the best of the best there. I understand that but like, I don't know. Get it because but you're just now getting into the work work and like field you haven't even got one of those overqualified letter jacket like those are like you don't even understand those like, how am I overqualified for a job? Like if you just didn't want to hire me just say that but I can completely understand cuz it's like you get your heart checked for something and it's just like you follow too short, but at the end of the day, I don't ever want you for any moment in time think that you're not good enough for anything or anybody just because you won't let into the school doesn't by whose standards. Are they to deny you who you feel you should be just because one school didn't accept you doesn't mean that you can't still be the brightest bestest. Whoever you want to be.

32:56 Just because somebody didn't allow you into their facility and besides you know, how I feel about student loans now anyways, but I mean, it's not like I'm not saying that it's all about the school. It's about the principle that a lot of people are like, let me talk about me. Like I have been really upset is written like stressed like school is so stressful. So in high school and I was like doing my high school thing, you know, when your eye feel like nobody ever really thinks about the next that like when you're in high school, you're like, oh, yeah, no College, that's next but you never like if you are most of them are like, oh, yeah like

33:46 All right here where am I going? And if you already have that like mental state like I didn't do all I could or I didn't I didn't try my hardest I didn't get is grade when I needed I do this so I wasn't good enough for a sport to get a scholarship like that really starts to hit you like especially when you're by yourself and you're sitting there thinking there's so many downers but like

34:12 Discuss the positive you have to and I mean you should live life.

34:21 To take Noel's it doesn't matter what you're going through. I feel like you should take no losses only thing you need to take his lessons. If if if the things that you're saying are true indeed that I was a lesson on if you ever come up to a situation as familiar with what you were just describing. What are you going to do? Are you going to sit back in and take it for granted? Are you going to push as hard as you can because you have been here before?

34:46 I'm going to push as hard as I can and see that's like you said like it's about the feeling thing like once you been like rejected so many times you just like what's the hero me like why should I even apply again? Like what's like because it's not like I keep saying like it's not about how the school feels about you.

35:10 It all they're doing is just confirming how you feel about yourself. And that's a horrible feeling if I'm in my head and I'm like in the man unlike it is not their fault cuz they don't know what's going on like date I control about a bed and I could have been like whatever just walked out. They don't know how I'm feeling but it's not the it's not how they feel about it. It's about confirming my inner thighs. So that's what I'm saying. And that's the issue with that in the air over the years when the time passes You by he'll learn how to deal with that letter you what I'm saying? You're still young and you got a long ways to go but I'm saying so please ask couple of minutes that we got. Why don't we just take this moment to say something that we've been meaning to tell each other. I want to say.

36:01 That has the meaning behind if you want I can go first. If not, you can take the lead. You know, I love you to death. You're my one and only and I'm saying a lot of my life has been basically surrounded by you allowed to Citizens that I've made over this decision that I met with the house works out for us and our best favor.

36:24 But it is because of you. I'm saying I got that a lot of things that I do is because of you I care about you enough. I know that you need to get out there need to live life. You need to find yourself, but I don't ever want you to feel like you're not good enough. If you're I don't ever want you to feel like this isn't if your heart is set on your passion in about it. I don't want anybody's rejection letter or anybody's dirty look or anybody's like in different words or conversation to justify how you feel about yourself. You're an amazing individual and I love you and

37:01 You mean the more of the world to me to the point where I'm shot? Like I when I had you I was young. I didn't know exactly what to do. It was surprising I had times where I made some of the best decisions. I'm heading X rock made some of the worst decisions and still somehow. I was blessed by where the best kids I could have ever asked for and I just want to let you know how much you mean to me and I love you, and I'm so glad that God put you in my life.

37:33 All right.

37:37 Thank you.

37:40 I think to you I just say that I'm sorry for like

37:45 Because I didn't even bring it to his attention.

37:50 I think I'm just sorry for like doing that teenager thing.

37:54 Where

37:56 You like you look at your family your parents again. Like oh, they don't know what I'm going through. They don't they're always so controlling so demanding and I went through that and I forced you to that in like reality. You were a teenager to like we were so much alike. That is scary and I just want to let you know that I do love you and I do think that you try your hardest to make the best decisions for me. I don't think anybody ever intentionally tries to make your life horrible unless they really have a vendetta for you, but you're not one of those people. Are you always help people? I like the best way possible and I just want to say thank you for that. And it's all I can do. That's all I can do. I love you kid, and I'm learning lesson just like you are for teaching each other and I hope that that never changes.

38:48 Get a hug absolutely not.

39:02 Therapeutic