Maryann Nielsen and Leah Zeiger

00:03 My name is Mary Ann Nielsen. I'm 55 years old today's date is September 1st 2018. We are in Chicago, Illinois and I am the mother of Leah who is interviewing me.

00:22 My name is Leah zeiger. I am 22 years old today is September 1st 2018. Where in Chicago Illinois and I am Marion's daughter?

00:34 My first question is can you describe what was going through your head when you saw me for the first time?

00:43 Yes, I've been thinking about that a lot lately because it was just your birthday. It was a difficult birth, as you know, nothing probably out of the ordinary nothing to be alarmed about but I had never done that before and it went on a long time. I think by the time you were actually born.

01:06 I was less focused on.

01:09 On you and more on the fact that I had survived.

01:14 So I didn't see you before Mom are sorry Grandma and Dad saw you before I did.

01:22 Because they had the nurse had to take care of me and they they they took you away so they could clean you up and do things and I remember saying where's first of all thinking.

01:32 That was rough and then thinking we're what happened. Where's my baby? So when I saw you

01:38 I couldn't believe you were a person you were real.

01:44 And I just held you.

01:48 Did having me change your relationship with your mom Grandma Helene?

01:54 I think it did we had always been very close, but I think it added a different element because now I started seeing that I was becoming the sort of Mom that she had been to me and I think subtly but but you know in many ways she helped kind of guide me toward.

02:18 How to be a mom to you after you were born

02:22 She we lived away for the first two years cuz she was where I had grown up in Los Angeles and you were born in Atlanta.

02:32 But she came to visit often and she would call me and she'd say Marianne. I just have to see that baby. I'm coming to see you next weekend. So I'm partly she was so excited about you and so enthusiastic about you that

02:44 I felt like we were sharing you.

02:49 You sometimes call me and say Leah. I just have to see you. I'm coming next weekend and I learned that from her exactly that's why I'm here. What's your best memory of Grandma if you can narrow it down to just one don't ask me to have that so hard. I don't think I have one.

03:09 Specific best memory of her I think it's it's just it's probably more a Feeling.

03:18 A feeling of how she was

03:22 Just so loving.

03:25 And accepting and

03:29 Supportive

03:32 You know, I mean, you know throughout my whole life, but with you guys too. I think she taught me so much on just how to be

03:43 I'm just hard to accept and love and I've always felt that with you guys with you and your sister.

03:50 And other family people that's what you have to do. You have to love them.

03:55 And you have to accept them and you can't

03:58 Try to change them and you can't.

04:01 You can't be disappointed you just have to

04:06 Be open to who they are and and

04:10 I love them.

04:12 I think my memory of her is just that feeling it's not like one day or one event.

04:20 I remember that to ya.

04:32 So Grandma Helene Grandma to me Mom to you.

04:39 I think we can both agree. She was one of those special people on this planet.

04:44 And a

04:47 In 2010, she got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and she died pretty quickly after that.

04:54 It was 6 weeks.

04:58 From Her diagnosis till the day she died and you know, that just wasn't enough time.

05:07 For any of us to prepare

05:12 Honey, I know there were things.

05:17 That you wanted to say to her.

05:21 And that you didn't you were 14.

05:26 And we didn't know she was going to die so soon.

05:30 I know you.

05:32 Probably

05:35 Regret that I feel bad that you weren't able to tell her how you felt that honey.

05:40 She knows how you felt.

05:43 You didn't need to tell her.

05:58 T i

06:00 Rhoda journal to me ever since I was born on my birthday. Is it on Christmas holidays when she'd come visit she put pictures in them and

06:14 I still have that journal and when she died I started writing back to her. I know it's beautiful. I told her I was hurt you.

06:29 You're not saying those things.

06:35 I don't think you ever had to express it in words.

06:40 You and Grandma had such.

06:44 A close Bond

06:47 You were

06:49 The light of her life and she

06:54 Had so many plans for the two of you for so long and none of us saw this coming and she didn't see it coming.

07:04 And we all know that things would be very different if she had lived.

07:10 And it just

07:12 It just seems so it's so cruel.

07:18 She's the only person who could have made any of us feel better. She had a way of doing that here. She did and she's the only person who can't anymore you.

07:33 But we can continue to live in her spirit.

07:36 And to do what she taught us and to just

07:41 Know that she's with us and that she would be so so proud of you.

07:58 Oh, she did so many things.

08:01 She is well, she did all the grandma things pretty well, so she always spoiled us she would.

08:10 Take me to get ice cream after school and cook me a really good grilled cheese with tomato in them, and she always help me with my homework.

08:25 I remember so clearly looking through photo albums with her of when she was a baby when you were a baby and it was a baby.

08:35 And also she would always show me my favorite album, which is when she took my aunt on a trip to so they went to Machu Picchu and Galapagos Islands. And those were these two places that I just thought were so incredible and she would always tell me about the Tortugas and she would teach me a little Spanish and she had the blue-footed booby earrings and she would tell me that those are there and we always said that we would go together always since you would have made good on that promise, even though her knees were Shot Ya she said she said she would take the train or the gondola of but I could hike she said she'd keep our tent warm.

09:29 Leah she made a you said she always made at the journal for you about holidays in your birthday a month or two ago. I was looking through photo albums at her house at Grandpa's house and I found an album that she made for you and your sister.

09:52 And she wanted so much for you to understand family history.

09:59 So the album has things about her parents my grandparents.

10:06 And about her childhood she was a and then about of course your childhood in your sister's childhood. She was a historian a family historian and she really kept these records. She made this album years before she got sick and I don't know when she planned to give it to you, but I didn't know it existed and I brought that album the weekend to show you. I can't wait till it's wonderful.

10:34 I showed it to your sister and we had a good long cry. Yeah.

10:44 Yeah.

10:48 Oh sure. Yeah, your grandmother was born Helen McRae.

10:55 Her mother was Ruth the cry and her father was Edgar McRae and she was born in Los Angeles. Her parents met in Santa Barbara, but she and her brother Ken were born in Los Angeles and grandma has pictures of her parents wedding and hers a child and where they lived and who was wet, and she just wants you wanted you so you girls to know the whole family history in

11:24 You know, I feel like she took so much of that with her when she died. I know some of it but I don't know all of it and sometimes questions will come up and I'll think I need to ask mom who that picture is or that person in that picture is or when did the when did Grandma Ruth, you know, your great-grandmother or antibody her sister, you know move to California. When did they move into the beach house in Encinitas? And I can't ask for that anymore, but she really made an effort.

12:01 To document all that for you girls. She also made one for your cousins. Of course, she did and I found all of this without knowing it was there was just sitting there quietly and had been there for years.

12:14 Leslie a very Grandma safely, it's very Grandma you will love and I hope that and I already know that when you as you grow up and as you have a family and I can smell that that you will continue the tradition of documenting things for your family and your kids. One of my favorite things to do is continue Grandma's Tradition at your good as hell.

12:39 Go back to a question. If you don't ask me. I was wondering if you would want to play.

12:44 On records and the things you wish you could have said to her and why they are important to you.

12:51 I remember when we found out that she was sick. We went over to her house. We were up in the bedroom and her and Grandpa's bedroom.

13:02 And I

13:05 I just

13:07 I remember not really wanting to go near her or hug her.

13:13 Cuz I was like

13:16 I think I feel betrayed in a in a weird way. She was supposed to just be there always, you know, and I was fourteen so

13:29 I just didn't ever really think about the possibility that you know that she's mortal. If it she's not going to be there forever while she was only 69 years old that to her and she was so young and how she acted and how she was in the world but you honey, you didn't know what to say. It was very difficult and none of us knew what what to say telling you that she was sick with pancreatic cancer, which was a very clear death sentence was one of the hardest things. I've your dad and I've ever had to do.

14:09 And I don't know how much.

14:14 I was able to help you through that time because I was so devastated to and yeah and

14:20 Trying to just

14:22 Process what we all knew it was going to happen.

14:27 And trying to it was difficult for me also to know what to say to her. I didn't lie. I never had that last moment because we thought we had so much more. We thought we had more months. Anyway, we have time that we were going to have another Christmas, right? It was alright the last time I saw her.

14:46 It was Halloween here. She died the next day and I'm Halloween that year. I dressed up like a pig. I know I made your comfort and I stopped by at her house before I went trick-or-treating with my friends and just

15:06 I don't know. Okay for a real quick hug.

15:09 Shutter my costume. I was very preoccupied with wanting to hang out with my friends.

15:16 And I don't even remember that very well. I don't know what her last words were to pee.

15:23 What is the door? I hope I hope I told her I love her.

15:30 But I know that she knew I know.

15:34 We had so many good days together. It's too bad that we couldn't have had.

15:41 Some good last days together, but but what counts is that for the 14 years that I knew hurt they were full of so much happiness and love.

15:56 But you gave her so much happiness.

16:05 How does losing Grandma change you as a mother earth as a woman?

16:15 It's hard to say I feel like we did lose her but she's not come on.

16:22 You know, I mean, I don't know that it changed me that much because

16:27 The impact that she had on me was is just as permanent, you know, sometimes I feel like I am her and I like that I know that I have I am hurting anyways, it's just I'm so much her daughter just like you are so much my daughter.

16:48 And I'm I'm glad to be that way. I wouldn't have wanted that when I was young, but now I'm happy. I'm like that and she was a teacher and I'm a teacher and she was she loved being a mother and I love being a mother and I know that I'm going to absolutely relish being a grandmother someday and I think I'll just be the kind of Grandma to your kids that she was to do. I know you well. I can't wait, but I'm not in a hurry.

17:33 Is there anything?

17:37 Is there anything specific that you regret not asking her about or talking to her about? I know you mentioned that.

17:46 Not knowing who is in what family photo and things like that? But is there anything that really sticks out to you?

17:54 There's nothing specific because I feel like

17:58 We talked a lot. She did bring up things a lot. And I think sometimes even before she was sick. It's kind of like making those albums for you girls before she even was second when she thought she would live to be a hundred she still

18:15 Found ways to sort of impart lessons or to impart family history. I remember one time we were driving from her house to our house in Los Angeles, which is about 10 miles away and instead of taking the freeway. We're on our way from South Pasadena through Highland Park to go to Silver Lake or you grow up.

18:36 And Highland Park is where she grew up and when she grew up there in the 1950s. It was a very kind of.

18:42 Lower middle class white neighborhood and she has a lot of really good memories from her childhood. And and now it's a completely different neighborhood. It's almost completely Latino and it's it's much more working class, and she and so we never spent much time there.

19:02 In Highland Park at when I was a kid because it was not some place that you would go but she wanted to show me where her she showed me her house where she grew up. She told me her Elementary School. She showed me, you know the store that used to be the soda fountain where they would go after school and the church that she attended and you know different landmarks and she really felt connected to that Community. It was only a few miles away from where I grew up but she never really showed me that before and she started telling me stories and she was doing it just naturally not because she felt like I need to tell you this now because you know, my days are numbered so there was a she didn't leave a lot of things.

19:45 You know and told her I'm sad. I don't think that I

19:50 I am got to tell her I love her at the end. But I told her a thousand times throughout my life. And you know, I think a lot of our connection was.

20:03 It was unsad I but I do wish I hadn't had had more time with her. There's always more you want. Hey, and it would have never been enough time. Even if you had live to a hundred.

20:23 Your grandmother and your mother taught you that you particularly

20:38 One story that

20:40 I've always I was afraid to know much there were a couple actually a few things that I never knew much about as a child mostly because

20:48 And it's the only way they scared me. When was that her father died?

20:54 When she was 16 and

20:58 I just couldn't amount as a child. I couldn't imagine a parent dying at that age and it never I never really understood what she went through.

21:08 And she did tell me more about that later and when when she

21:12 Take me to where she was born in everything, but her father died of he had a hit brain cancer.

21:21 And I think that was a really horrible experience the way he went from being a very intelligent capable man, and he was only in his late forties.

21:36 It was a school teacher in Los Angeles to being.

21:40 Bedridden and I'm losing the way I remember her explaining. It was one by one as his brain shut down. He lost different functions in his body.

21:50 And she had to witness that as a teenager and then

21:55 I survived that and I think that was something that

21:58 Always really

22:00 Was painful to her.

22:03 The other experience that she told me some about but never the whole story was that she had a boyfriend in Mexico and you've heard about him and she did go to visit him.

22:15 When she was probably not much more than older than about 17 or yeah, she was pretty young and I think

22:26 She might have married him. You know, I think at that time in her life that that time, you know in the late 50s. That was something people. Did they got married very young and

22:37 She never talked about him because I think that was a subject that was off limits for my dad, but occasionally she would mention things about being in Mexico. She like to talk about she talked to you about what she was in Mexico. And I remember once we were the movie and there was a name of someone in the crowd and and she got excited. Remember the name it was Belinda odiagas that interesting and unusual name and she boy's name who was Fernando Diego is the name state of my head and she said, I think that's his sister. Wow, and she said to me every with his sister was very interested in film and

23:20 And she said we got really animated sister had been very very nice to her and taken her under her Wing. So there was always a little bit of mystery with Grandma that there had been this prior love and the Very exotic relationship and I don't really understand what happened at the end of them, but those are never once talked to my dad about that. I'm sure he doesn't want to know he would after 50 years of marriage tender. Yeah, I could see that.

23:57 Bye-bye. Alien or any family

24:01 Well the trip to Machu Picchu I always remember her telling me about it and the pictures I can they're burned in my memory. I'm sure if I looked at them, it'd be the same as what I think they are.

24:14 It's not so much that.

24:18 I would hear these ain't no family history stories. I think I am and I did and she told me about them, but just the little things that we would do together our little Traditions. That's what is my family history, you know, like going to the beach house together and she would always put together a treasure hunt and they were so detailed and clever. She would make these little rhyming Clues and it would take us all over the house. And then at the end there be this big basket of like candy and like gift cards at all these things, you know, and she would just put the show is love giving gifts but she's passed on to me absolutely and going to the beach house together to plant flowers. That's where me and her got our love for hummingbirds together which has kind of become mine and yours symbol for her because in second grade my

25:18 Super annoying teacher. Mr. Cook. Remember him he had he assigned us a project on birds and I got hummingbird and I was so annoyed and so angry about it and we did it together and she just made it so fun. I remember having to cut out. Yeah, I remember having a diagram in a shoebox and she'd brought a shoebox. I don't even know how she knew that I needed one, but she ain't forgot what you like Mary Poppins, you know, she'd pull out the things that I needed and drawing a hummingbird and cutting out the bequest just so hard because we only had adult scissors in my hands were second grade hands. And so she had to help me cut out the Beacon. I remember that really well as after a day of planting roses in the garden at the beach house. And you know, these are all things she did with you you girls that she didn't do with me growing up because she was working. Yeah, I was busy and she was very young. Yeah, you know, and she was a new mom and they were

26:18 Kind of struggling and you know thinks I think things were a lot tougher but she didn't have the time in the luxury or I mean she was she was very present for me, but we didn't do fun Whimsical thing. She took you to a lot of theater. Yes, and we did not go to theater when I was a child. So I think she was able to do things with you and and then your sister that she didn't get to do as a mother because she was busy figuring out how to be a mom and how to raise kids and how did you know run a household in this or something? So I was always and I remember I would be sort of jealous. Like when when I when you were home and I had we had to take care of you and I had to do things like okay, you need to do your homework. I need to brush your teeth or it's time to go to bed. But when you went to Grandma's house, it was fun times fun. Yeah. She had a sign outside of her house. It says Grandma and Grandpa's house kids spoiled while you wait.

27:22 Is it okay if we search Kathy out of that? Yeah.

27:27 So so when I was 15, I met a boy and I was in a relationship with him for almost a year.

27:37 And it was very physically mentally and sexually abusive the whole time.

27:44 And after a year of that we finally broke up and a year later. He ended up going to prison.

27:54 4

27:57 Breaking into our house and stalking me and doing is awful things to me and to us and I became very depressed. I throw the rest of high school.

28:09 Now 7 years ago and all of that started.

28:14 When I was dealing with all of it at what point did you realize that I wasn't okay?

28:26 I think I knew that.

28:30 That

28:33 This was not I knew the entire time that this was not a healthy relationship. I did not have any idea the extent of what was going on because you hit you kept it from us. You tried to protect us from knowing but

28:50 I would hear you crying and hear you yelling on the phone and

28:55 You did a good job.

28:59 Pretending but at night I would often here and try to find out and try to get you to tell me something the day that I knew.

29:11 That nothing was okay and that everything was wrong.

29:21 The day that your friend Jacqueline came to talk to me at school.

29:28 After class and she said

29:31 You need to know what Leah said to me.

29:35 And I was so scared because I knew that.

29:41 That she would tell me truth truthfully what you had said and

29:46 She said that you asked her if she ever had considered killing herself and that you thought about suicide.

29:57 And I just

30:00 I just got my world collapsed. I got so scared.

30:06 And I told your dad and we came and we found you. I knew where you were. I found you you were with.

30:14 A new boyfriend. He might not have been your boyfriend at the time yet, but you're with a nice boy who was looking out for you and you were getting ice cream and you didn't know what I'd found out.

30:31 And I just remember saying Leah, there's so much to live for.

30:37 You're so young. There's so much.

30:42 Everything it will it will be fine. It's not fine now, but it will be fine.

30:49 I just felt so scared and so desperate that.

30:53 That made my beautiful healthy happy.

30:58 Smart

31:00 Super super capable child

31:04 Could start thinking in that in that way.

31:10 And I remember talking to in a very public setting.

31:17 And I was just kind of crying uncontrollably. I just I just it just felt so beyond anything I could ever ever imagine.

31:27 I think that was

31:30 That was the beginning of of rock bottom.

31:38 I always felt like you and Dad went through rock-bottom with me, and I've

31:46 A lot of

31:48 Shame about feeling like I dragged you with me and you know, mentally I know that of course I didn't and and you two were doing everything right and

32:04 And you had no choice we had no choice. We just had to get through it.

32:11 I wonder if if you have any regrets about

32:16 A rock-bottom Time

32:21 I do because I've spent.

32:24 So many hours wondering what I could have done.

32:30 Tus to have stopped it earlier.

32:34 How I could have intervened or we could have

32:39 What did we know? Why didn't we say what could we have done? We felt so.

32:45 Sure that

32:47 It wasn't our place to tell you.

32:51 Who to date or what kind of relationship to be in?

32:56 And we trusted that you

32:59 We're doing something because you wanted to it was so much more complicated than that.

33:06 And I just didn't feel like I wanted to intervene but I didn't again I didn't know what was happening.

33:15 I clearly remember the conversation that we had before your 16th birthday.

33:21 When you had broken up with him previous to that.

33:27 And we were planning a big your big sweet 16 fancy party and all your friends were coming and you asked me if he could come.

33:40 And I thought that you had gotten rid of him. I thought you had gotten away from him. I thought it was over and I remember saying to you know, honey. You don't want him there don't do it. And you just said mom is

33:55 I have to have him there. I need him there, please and you begged me and begged me and I just thought of this can't be happening again.

34:04 I knew that wasn't going to go well.

34:08 And he was so awful at your party and he was so possessive and he wouldn't let you talk to your friends and he just he made you feel.

34:20 Terrible on your big special night kept you away from everybody and I was so angry at him for doing that. But I knew that

34:31 I couldn't ban him from being there.

34:36 Because

34:38 You said that's what you wanted.

34:41 And I know you regret that looking back on it, but you were so young and you were so manipulated by him.

34:48 And under his control. It's very difficult being a parent when you know that, you know best and you know that

34:57 You're right, but you have to also give your kids some Independence and some.

35:04 Measure of autonomy

35:07 And the way your dad always puts it is we just have to be there to catch them when they fall.

35:14 And I could see that you were going to fall.

35:17 And I just I wanted so badly to get you away from that but I couldn't do it until you could do it yourself.

35:36 What point much later on did you?

35:41 Realize that I was going to be. Okay.

35:47 Honey, we always knew you were going to be okay. We didn't know how and we didn't know when but

35:55 Maybe it was just

35:58 Kind of blind wishful thinking

36:02 I knew you were going to be okay, but I

36:05 If I thought about it, but in the moment in the there were days when it just felt really really.

36:13 Far off

36:16 Days when we couldn't get you out of bed.

36:19 Days when you wouldn't talk

36:22 Days when you just shut down and couldn't function

36:27 When did I know you were going to be okay?

36:33 I think it was gradual. I don't remember one moment.

36:37 I think

36:39 The fact that you were able to finish high school graduate do so well.

36:46 And move away and go to college.

36:51 I think

36:53 Help me know that you were starting a new chapter of your life. And even though there would still be bums you were moving away from the past.

37:12 Did you ever experience anything like what I went through ohgod?

37:18 Kind of but not anywhere close to this.

37:25 I dated a older guy once who made me do things I didn't want to do and I was not ready to do.

37:34 And you talked weird sometimes to me and even on the phone. Sometimes he would be kind of.

37:42 Insulting kind of ugly the way we really got with you.

37:47 But I wasn't that invested in him.

37:50 And it didn't last long and I just kind of wrote it off as he was kind of a creep.

37:57 I just kind of buried it but it did not scar me. You know, I did didn't it.

38:05 And I otherwise I

38:09 I never had anything like this happen. I didn't I was I was really lucky.

38:16 Yeah, the women out there who haven't had an experience like this are the lucky ones.

38:23 Yeah, I think that made it so I wasn't as we're of what

38:32 Could happen I had I think I had when I was younger. I was lucky that a lot of the guys that I dated were respectful enough to not.

38:42 Be pushy and also were

38:46 Not particularly jealous or possessive so my radar was not

38:53 As a tune to the potential of what can happen.

38:59 And you hit it?

39:02 You hit it pretty well.

39:06 Have part of all of it.

39:10 Is learning how to hide it I hid it from myself.

39:14 I didn't.

39:16 Allow myself to understand her to realize what was happening. I couldn't if I had I would have imploded.

39:27 There were nights.

39:29 When you would be on the phone.

39:33 To Tori who is your best friend then?

39:38 And I would sit outside in the hallway and hear you talk to her.

39:45 If I had to know what was going on.

39:51 It would tell her things.

39:55 But you never told me.

39:59 But I just I would sit there growing.

40:06 Listening to you telling her how manipulative he was and how he was crazy and how we would say these just insane things that don't make any sense.

40:17 But how you were trying to help him and you felt so bad for him?

40:23 And I just didn't know what to do because these were things he would told me but this was happening.

40:32 And I would just

40:36 Hold that and sometimes I can't even tell your dad because I was so afraid of what it was hearing. So you you denied things and kept things in but I did too.

40:48 And I would try to just push them away my head or just stay up all night thinking about it and then try to function normally and I know that's what you were doing during all that time.

41:01 That we were just both so scared, but we didn't know.

41:06 Hindu what to do

41:17 Well, I didn't time check because I was it was a really powerful moment that I think you guys deserve it.

41:31 SS Survivor myself. I want to acknowledge that like you need to come down from that of your heart klip2save yourself up to.

41:39 I want to check in with you and say

41:43 In terms of taking care of you and your needs in this.

41:46 What can we talk about or do that really want to make you feel safe and like weird?

42:17 I wanted to ask you what you hope the future holds for us.

42:26 I think I want to tell you what I hope the future holds for us and for women and girls and my sister and younger females cousins and my possible future daughter and every child being born every second.

42:50 I hope that

42:52 That one day we don't have to be so violent.

42:59 I was possibly the hardest part of all of it was keeping it from you.

43:07 And not knowing why I was keeping it from you even at the time but knowing I had to

43:14 Because that's how he trained me and

43:17 And you having to keep it from yourself from Dad from me?

43:26 Just because it's an ugly story doesn't mean that.

43:30 It shouldn't be hard.

43:34 And the more I talk about it for other people tell their stories the more we stop silencing this thing that happens to so many people the less ugly head gets.

43:51 The easier we can stop it.

43:56 So

43:58 I hope that one day everyone would feel safe to tell their story. That's what I'm going to try to do with my whole life is help people. Tell their story like I told mine.

44:10 And

44:14 And I think that

44:17 I'm this brave because of you.

44:23 I couldn't have done any of this without you and dad. There's no way and you both saved my life so many times literally.

44:37 Why are you taught us so much. We were on this journey together a journey that

44:44 No one ever chooses or wants to go on and certainly nothing that was ever anything. I expected to happen in my life or in your life ever. I thought this was just something you hear about a read about for some poor unfortunate girl. Not my own child.

45:06 But we've been so proud of you.

45:12 And I don't want to just say you've been so brave because that just is a cliche that that doesn't fully capture what you've been through but

45:21 The fact that you have made this something that you speak openly about and that you

45:29 Encourage others to do that and you help people find the way to express what they've been through through ART and through dance.

45:40 Just the courage that you had to not hide your story but to to share it and to in a way sort of embrace it and turn it on its head and that's why I we always knew you were going to be okay because we knew even in the darkest days we knew.

45:59 That what you would eventually find a way to do would be to take this and

46:06 Make it into something.

46:09 Positive and meaningful and somehow to

46:16 Give it some sense and some purpose in the world to help others and the fact that you've done that is I just don't know.

46:26 Where you found the the courage and the resolve to do it, but I'm really really proud of you and it helps all of us.

46:36 Especially you but I think it helps all of us understand what happened in and really

46:44 See it as something that

46:47 And it was life changing.

46:49 But not life to finding

46:52 That you I think you asked me what aren't my hope is for us in the future.

46:59 I just hope that we can always be open and honest with each other and be in each other's.

47:05 Lives and we can continue to learn and grow from each other because I learned from you as much as you learned from me, then we just were growing together. I love you so much, Mom.

47:23 I love you, honey.

47:25 To the moon and thousand times a thousand times.