Terry Jordan and Linda Stork

00:00 What's a good thing to do? So glad you did this. I mean, do you have the dream?

00:05 Hi, my name is Terry Jordan. I'm 55. Today's date is July 28th, 2013 at Doernbecher Hospital on the 10th floor in my relationship to dr. Linda stork is she's a friend.

00:24 I'm just stork. Today is July 28th.

00:29 2013 we're at Doernbecher children's hospital and I've known Terry. Just a little bit because of work with the Leukemia Lymphoma Society. I'm interviewing Terry who has a lot of stories to tell

00:44 So Terry, you know, I didn't have the privilege of knowing Emily.

00:49 So I would love to hear you just start by telling me your story and your journey when Emily was alive and your journey since Emily's died.

00:59 Wow, that's a big question already. So my husband Bob and I had a daughter Emily who was born in 1991. And when she was 4 years old, she was diagnosed with leukemia. And at the time her daughter, I bought her to the clinic it look like she just had a cold doctor thought maybe strap and did a quick check and said, you know who you can start her on antibiotics, but I held off because I was really into natural treatment and didn't want to have her on an antibiotic if she didn't need it in a couple of days later the doctor calls and no it's not strapped. You can stop the antibiotic, but she wasn't getting better and she said she's probably just a really bad cold and by the end of the week Emily was really lethargic wanting to be held carried around that wasn't like her. She wasn't someone who wanted to be picked up. She wanted to be a big girl now.

01:59 By yourself and by Friday I said while this doesn't look good in

02:05 Ship these lumps in her neck and her belly was sticking out and Bob gave her a bath look like shit all these bruises and what would you get these bruises out and then she just kind of shrugged didn't know and so the following Monday morning. I brought it back to the clinic and the doctor did a x-ray chest x-ray and said, you know, I think it would be good. If you took her to the hospital for a blood a blood and blood lab work because if we take the blood here, it's going to take awhile for it to come back and I started to feel like well, so we'll if it takes a while like and I said, what do you mean is an emergency and and she said, well, you know, it would just be faster if you went to the hospital. She going to be checked in and she said well yea though Checker in I said do I have time to go home and get

02:57 Some clothes. I didn't understand I knew it was very serious and Emily had a play date scheduled that day. So I got home and my heart is racing and I called Emily's friend small and said

03:13 You it was doing while she's really sick. I think she has leukemia. I just said it out loud and my background doesn't nursing those years ago. It's not like I practice nursing with the intensity of the doctor wanted me to go right to the hospital for blood Labs made me think this is serious. This is something big and down in the past. I would awfulize things like I would call Bob something terrible has happened in and leave a message until he'd call me back and like what what happened and I did your laundry and there was a green Mark. It's all over your khakis. I'm so sorry. Please don't ever do that to me again. So I went extreme opposite instead of calling and saying yeah, this is really serious. All I get is the doctor wants us to go to the hospital and was going to be checked in. I'm picking up some clothes for I was really calm really relaxed. I'm so proud of myself to be so calm we get to the

04:13 You know Emily is like really not doing well. She's just like wants to be carried was so I'm literally carrying it to the card-carrying or is it a hospital in?

04:22 We get in there and the they she has a little fever and they give her some Tylenol and she looked at me like what's this and and then I was like, oh that's Tylenol and Aleve and Tylenol and I said, no, she hasn't had any ages. I mean look fevers. I would let her have a fever and treatment homeopathic Leigh. She only had well-child check-ups you spin you should always went for her well-child check-ups really good. She never had anything wrong. So here in the hospital and the doctor comes after the labs to say your child has T Cell all acute. Lymphoblastic leukemia. I think it was lymphoblastic leukemia acute meaning it was intense acute. I mean, they wanted to take all of her blood out and give her new blood or her blood back without the white blood cells. I'm like what? Well her white blood cell count is 970000 like oh my gosh, that's pretty high.

05:22 In the doctor said what I've never seen account This I Swear the time Bob came the hospital Emily was diagnosed at they could not handle the procedure even Children's Hospital. We were in San Diego at the time Children's Hospital didn't have this. I want to say leukapheresis machines big machine in because her a chest x-ray show this big Mass. They couldn't do it in the but they couldn't do that. So they wanted to do it through her femoral vein.

06:02 Into the Wake during this and we're in the Intensive Care Unit and this is the cute part of it here. We are suddenly going from we thought she had strep to oh my gosh. This is really serious and she is screaming and Bob and I are holding hands together and with her and it's it's intense very intense in the doctors trying to get this that I put her in her in her vein that he hit her artery and there's blood everywhere and there's Emily's screaming and it's just it's it's beyond intense and finally they can maybe gets the catheter in your vein and the Machine starts going and

06:48 We are talking I said to Emily about abundance cuz she had known this word. She's a little girl, but I said to remember we're talking about abundance and she's like, yeah, and I said you remember what it means and she goes more more than enough. I said, right. It's like that with your white blood cells. You have more than enough. So now you can let them go and what was really weird?

07:13 When she had that what we thought was a cold I asked her to imagine increasing her white blood cells because they will be really helpful and they will help you. Remember I told you imagine increasing all your white blood cells. You don't have to do that anymore. You can let them go and I said and now, you know, they're called Blast because it's like they're little kids like they're just having a blast there's no adult and it didn't become adults. Also, there's just blast their baby cells and they are they can go you can let them go in. This machine's going to help out let them go and then you get your red blood cells back and you're going to be fine. So that was the initial.

07:54 Intake and that was the very beginning and our life changed and the doctor said I don't think she'll make it through the night just be prepared and they had a nephrologist in it because they said, you know, I think your kidneys might fail their blood's too thick to might have a stroke just be prepared and I'm like what because I don't know if I told you this Linda but

08:20 Less than 6 months before this. We had a son Thomas who died during birth.

08:27 And so like when the doctor is trying to put this thing into her leg, he Emily would like people that said Oh Thomas is in a better place and and Emily said I want to be with Thomas and I'm like, well, honey, and that was his journey, you know this and so she was no I want to be with Thomas & Associates putting the sin in the process of doing that. She starts screaming because I want Thomas I want my brother and said the people looking around and I'm looking at Bob and I just taken with Emily.

09:04 Can I be right you got to be right here. Are you making this up? Like she didn't say that but I could tell by the look in her eye and then she just stopped screaming and right then that's when he finally got the van instead of the artery because it just has Messi intro to the world of leukemia. We didn't end when I remember the doctor said something at least it's not neuroblastoma. That's what she said. No because I didn't end ever heard of neuroblastoma but evidently neuroblastoma had a worse outcome like Emily. So come at that time that moment because of that presentation was like 15% chance and they literally didn't think she would make it to tonight. And so we had to rush her by ambulance from that hospital to another hospital in separate UCSD. So removed from you know, this hospital, she's got this thing's and then she's there for 3 weeks. So after this initial diagnosis,

10:04 Three weeks go by and she's got lots of chemo. She had radiation and by the time she was discharged. She was completely different she was

10:21 Felix thin like a she look like she'd been in

10:27 Or concentration camp with kids and because of the bald head, you know, she was really embarrassed. She this beautiful long blond hair, you know, she didn't want to take her head off. She wouldn't let her dad's hear it because she thought

10:48 So beautiful, but she did look different in issues pale and she's really weak because she'd been in bed all those weeks we get home and

11:00 She's so weak. She can barely walk and she just starts going up the stairs and Bob and I are looking at each other like where she going took her forever. She was like an old lady singing really trying to get up the stairs, you know, really and I just followed her and she goes up and down the hall and into her room and she just leaned over her bed and hugged it that I really missed you.

11:32 So you weren't able to bring in any pillow or any sheet, sir in the hospital that she had a pillowcase. She had her pillow case yet, but her bed she missed her and so well.

11:48 Yes, she had her she was into Pocahontas. So she had her Pocahontas pillowcase and then somebody found out she like to Pocahontas and they brought in a Pocahontas outfit with beige and she couldn't wait to wear it. That's what you were home from the hospital. They usually put the hauntist outfit and it made her look even more pale than she already. Did. She comes back down the stairs takes her just as long to get back.

12:17 Bob looked at her and said Emily. I am so sorry that you have leukemia. I wish you were me instead of you or all sitting near each other and she picked up the thin little arm put it on his shoulder looked at it and said Daddy, this is not your journey.

12:38 Just looked at each other. Like who is this child? I don't like how they did it for you for years old.

12:52 So that's the beginning and that's how it started and then she was on a two-and-a-half-year protocol. I think it was to about 2 years to go through but that's what they said. But during that time. She had what they thought was a leukemic infiltrates. Basically. She stopped being able to see out of one eye and

13:20 They thought that that was leukemia. However, she had had cranial radiation. So I didn't think it was the leukemic infiltrates or what they called that I didn't think it was I didn't think it was the chief come out of remission and me and because at that time there were two different kinds of

13:38 Study groups like POG in ccg so pediatric oncology group and Children's Cancer group. She just happened to be in ccg cuz he was at UCSD. So because of that their protocol was if she could come out of remission, then they would do a bone marrow transplant or stem cell transplant.

14:02 And now they're looking at this is coming out of remission just by chance. Bob was had to transfer actually know he had an assignment up in California San Francisco. So we all went with him is 3 week assignment and it was still within the FBI. So we went to eat at to work there FBI up in San Francisco and they had a pediatric ophthalmology oncologist there were two in the country and they said let's do a get a second opinion. So she did this whole eye exam under anesthesia and found her good finding was it was not leukemia, which were like, oh good. She only had a stroke and a small little strip like happy because they said, you know, if it's a stroke she won't ever regain her eyesight, but it's not leukemia.

15:01 If it's leukemia, she'll regain her eyesight. So, you know like talk about these roller coasters so good. It's only stroke. She's only going to be blind in one eye and this is the kind of crazy thing. Did it seem like we're going through signing away bits and pieces of her new even to do radiation. We had to sign away that you would be sterile, but you'd be stunted in her growth. So you know that every time Bob and I sign these forms, but maybe we go up to San Francisco and they also had what they called a tumor board a bunch of doctors came in from all over in disgust Emily and decided that it would be best for her to have a transplant because of her presentation and also up at UCSF. They were they were POG people and they said, oh we would have done this in person Omission anyway, so it became like a moot point here. I am all happy.

16:01 But she doesn't have to have to have a transplant cuz she's in own it solve these initials that I'm feeling like hot. Well then, you know, like I know like I like a new it CC Jean-Paul gold did I didn't really you know what? I mean, you know this stuff out of research during the time, but I didn't even we don't even have a computer. This was back in 96. She was diagnosed and I mean I I didn't even know how to use the internet the doctor tried to teach me but I kept messing up and getting the rubbish or getting people's opinions about leukemia and not doctors writing, you know, the facts Apple support group. They had by the time they gave me the information. I'd already had to make decisions. It was too late.

16:57 Which makes me so happy now to be so involved with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society because they're doing so much to help patient support and funding there's so much more to offer and I feel really grateful, you know to have that Community Trust two different sets of dr. Yeah. I know. How how did that work?

17:25 We were only there for 3 weeks and then we went back and now we have all this information and they're in the same system. They're in the UC system. So they're all Universe in there all writing and sharing and in our doctor agreed with the tumor board not necessarily with the pediatric ophthalmology oncologist because

17:46 Is it yes will take into consideration but you know what Emily's initial presentation was pretty severe and probably helped. Well, then I got pregnant and the doctors are like, oh my gosh, you're pregnant. Yay. We'll do a stem cell transplant if if it's a match Bob and I both got tested we didn't match at all. So

18:08 It definitely changed the focus of Happiness of having a baby when doctors are waiting.

18:16 Or his stem cells.

18:20 So his birth was very different email like and because Thomas had died.

18:27 While I was trying to give birth, they tried to help him come through and ended up pushing him back in and doing a C-section. They had I had to have a scheduled C-section with Timothy. I had to agree to that ahead of time. So the scheduled C-section also included a stem cell harvest my blood drawn and the doctors had never done it before so it was very new at that time. This is Udo 1997. So we had to move we couldn't I think I don't think you're any hospitals in San Diego that had done it at that time and our insurance company would only cover if the hospital had had some experience and they had to have had at least three stem cell transplant and they had to have been successful.

19:20 Into the closest hospital that we could go to was in LA at UCLA. He said they agreed to us moving up there and it was a whole long thing. But I adjust it when Timothy was born they harvested is stem cells and he didn't match not one not one antigen.

19:39 But there was a Anonymous donor had four out of six. I think is that right there cigarette cordiality to 6. So we went to moved up to La for her transplant and

19:59 Yeah, and it and it looked good things were coming around ahead. Timothy was just an infant who is 6 weeks old at first. I said you can't take him in to the

20:09 Because he's an infant and so we are like well, I'm I said I'm nursing I have to well you'll have to find another way and

20:18 Yeah, we are much better now about that nursing mothers. They said no time yet. But anyway, they said no on so Bob.

20:29 Called and said, you know, my wife is nursing. I understand that you have a policy but you know in order for us to be able to do this she needs to be there during the day FBI La let him have a

20:44 Job there, so, you know cuz he was in the FBI. They gave him a temporary assignment which was wonderful. So Bob work during the day and I was with Emily all day long. They changed their policy. They called and said it would be okay to bring the infant in as long as you don't stay overnight, which was fine with us. So we had an apartment. I stayed at the apartment at night. I went there in the morning. Emily was so happy to see Timothy. You know? Hi, Mom, see, you know, she's got this little incident Saint or a little brother to take care of it be with into this all she wanted and he would be in her bed surrounded with Barbies and all this is the highlight of her day is seeing Timothy's. I'm so glad that worked out in and while she was going to transplant Bob's birthday was coming up and

21:41 Bob is a triathlete. I don't know if you know this but our anniversary July 24th. Just we just had our anniversary was a triathlon because I wanted to do a triathlon and Bob's big dream though was to do Iron Man Hawaii. Like he's like Superman, you know, he's in the FBI and he works out all the time. He's just amazing amazing it and he wants to do Iron Man Hawaii know it's the same distance 2.4 mile swim 112 mile bike 26.2 mile run, but being in Hawaii is

22:24 The holy grail and his birthday was coming up. And so there's the calendar and Emily's hospital room. It's April of 1997 and he circles 24 and puts all these arrows like my birthday is coming up. It's all about him and and Emily's like well, what do you want for your birthday dad while you know, I want you to get well and get out the hospital. I know but what else you want it goes well.

22:53 I want to get into Hawaii.

22:56 So anyway, that idea was born either she can't leave her isolation room. And so

23:05 Write a letter and so Emily dictated a letter and she was with who should we send it to? Like I'd like why don't know what's in that he has to get in by Lottery. He's not fast enough until she's like, okay do your lottery people and people my name is Emily. I am having a transplant to get rid of my leukemia. I can't leave my isolation room to get my dad a present. His birthday is coming up. Maybe you will pick up, you know like this on and on like that if he did so they picked him they picked him and he didn't know everybody knew everyone in the hospital New FBI all these FBI agents new La San Diego and his birthday came up and by this time

23:54 Something had happened to transplant wasn't working it him look like it was coming around and so she's going to be going home in a couple of weeks and then something changed and in the process Emily was still in her in her room and her bone marrow transplant room where it Bob stayed at night and I came with Timothy during the day, but we got the call from the lottery people and they say do you know this is Emily's room because we'd put on the return address Emily's hospital at UCLA Medical Center. They called in does Emily's room. And I said, yes. Are you her mom? Yes. Did you help her write a letter to the why don't you just what we we picked we picked Bob and we would like to deliver it at the hospital. Is that possible? I'm like, oh my gosh. I said Emily dad said good in and

24:54 She didn't know she kept the secret 5 years old. She was 5 years old at the time. She didn't tell her that it was a big surprise. We would say things like all we have a surprise for your birthday and he cuz he was like always talking about his birthday, but we didn't tell him.

25:12 Two things were shifting and changing and she wasn't doing well and they wanted to take her to the Intensive Care Unit. There's like a little isolation room in the Intensive Care Unit and brought her down there and dumb.

25:26 And just to multi backup.

25:32 The day that they had to move her to the Intensive Care Unit was one of those days and I'm sure you've had these days. I don't want to ask you questions about, you know, being a pediatric hematology oncologist like is it it just to put this part of it in perspective when you have to tell parents.

25:54 When things have shifted to a point like like this part where your child might not make it through the night or when we do this procedure. Most children, don't wake up. Like how how is that how is that for ya interesting question. So, of course to trust in the bond that you have with family and the patient ahead of time most of the time in pediatric oncology. We do not all the time if there's an emergency and obviously in the very beginning we don't so trust. So the trust at the initial diagnosis to trust you at the treatment and then you know, I say it has to be honesty with compassion.

26:39 But if this position isn't brave enough to be honest and the physician has to work on that because it's much easier to avoid the discussions. So it takes that bravery but also to do it feels so good. No, so it really is you know, you have to say to yourself. I'm not I didn't cause a disease. I'm here to do the best job. I can to treat it and that includes being honest with compassion. And so you just have to find that inner self that isn't necessarily part of training, but maybe it's why you chose and subspecialty of pediatric oncology. Is that why you chose it?

27:34 Maybe because

27:37 It is as close to the Earth. It is as close to what matters about human life and existence and the relationship that one develops with patient and parent.

27:51 What a privilege we get to be a part of the life in an intense way that no other physician can and so for whatever reason I needed to have those kinds of relationships.

28:05 So anyway, you can that's all I was just wondering from those Physicians, especially a Hematology Oncology pediatric Hematology Oncology is a very special.

28:16 Roll when I was in nursing school, I met my dad passed away from lymphoma in between my freshman and sophomore year when I went into myself for you were going into pediatric rotation and I walked down the hall of Children's Hospital in Boston and I caught a glimpse of these children with bald heads. And I said I can't I had a visceral feeling I was 18 and in my God I said I cannot I cannot do that and I went to my instructor I said, I can't I can't work with the pediatric oncology kids. Can I have some different assignment? And because my dad had just died of cancer. I think they thought it was that and it wasn't that it was something different and she reassigned it during my pediatric rotation.

29:06 And

29:08 Years later 30 years later. I was pushing Emily in a stroller from the UCSD parking lot. It was early morning in the sun. I was like horizontal raise and just in this peripheral vision. I caught this bald head at this little girl and this umbrella stroller and pushing her.

29:33 I just like literally took my breath away like this is what I said I couldn't do and I was wondering why did I have some memory of some agreement that I made before? It came to Earth different way and I think about you and I think like wow, you must have made some agreement long before you came here because there is nothing like I knew.

30:08 It was going to be okay no matter what no matter what did Bob and I right from the very beginning the day she was diagnosed. We met it went up for dinner or something. Emily was being cared for and we could be together. We said we have to keep our eye on the big picture need to keep our communication lines open when it's remember, you know the relation of you and do you think that I'm having a gun?

30:46 Prepared you in any way totally what happened with Thomas was a gift when Thomas died. It was very sudden, then we didn't weren't expecting him to die. It was big beautiful full term 11 lb 4 oz baby boy and

31:08 I just realized who I married this incredibly strong nobleman that we got through this and I felt that.

31:23 It was it was like this gift of Thomas that helped us prepare for Emily. And for Emily to when I asked Are You Afraid meeting are you afraid to die? I didn't ask those words, but are you afraid when things looked really bad when we're about to have that very deep conversation with the doctors.

31:46 And she said no, I'll be with Thomas and I'll be with you in your heart forever.

31:51 Just like real matter of fact, so she wasn't afraid I was afraid we had this big meeting with the doctors and they said, you know when she goes into intensive care she may not she may not have I survived and is there anything you want to tell her? It's about to well, you know, honey, I've been with her during the day once you go in now and I'm like, okay and patience 5 years old. Am I going to tell her? Okay, we're going to go and take you to the Intensive Care Unit. They're going to you now put you on a respirator. Try to help you breathe better. Her stomach was all swollen. So instead I just made up a story. I do want to hear a story and she nodded and I said once upon a time.

32:29 Wonderful. There was a little caterpillar name was Sally. She was really hungry. She started to eat and she ate so much that her belly got big and fat just like yours is right now. It was like looking down at her belly. She wrapped it with her feet. Sally had a lot of feet and she rubbed and I was rubbing her belly as I'm telling the story to rob a feel better, but I'm still really hard to breathe. That's how was released like trying to breathe. It was hard for her to breathe.

32:58 It's so she decided to wrap yourself up in her favorite yellow blanket and Emily's reaching around on the bed for blanket and she wrapped herself up and fell asleep. And she slept and she slept until one day. She noticed some light coming through with her eyes. She was waking up. The first thing she did was look down at your belly with flat just like before she had started doing all that eating next thing she did was reach for her blanket. She become a beautiful butterfly. So just then a diamond that was a story and it's as soon as I told him. Oh my God, that's the wrong story. I had to stall a car. No, she's not going to wake up here. She's going to wake up somewhere else and I wanted to take the story. I'd like to thank you. Do I need a different story? I'm just in the doors open and the

33:47 The nurses and doctors are coming in to take her to the Intensive Care Unit and as we're going down the hall I tell the story again. She said mom to tell me again, you know little kids want you to tell I told it again I get into the Intensive Care Unit. I told it again now she's surrounded by all these doctors and that's the last story.

34:07 She heard while she was conscious.

34:10 And

34:13 Dow Baba's birthday Bob's birthday came and I went to her Intensive Care Unit now, it's she's been there for days things are going good. She's on dialysis. She's in there with two full-time nurses round-the-clock. She's on a respirator unconscious cuz she's on these drugs, but on Bob's birthday, they did come to the hospital to give that Lottery and so on his birthday. She was still in the Intensive Care Unit and her room was still there. So f b i l a s p i San Diego all the hospital everybody was in on it and we I went to her roommate him. Do you remember that present we got dad will it's here. So we all went down to her room and

35:02 And people like surprise, so he thought that was a surprise a couple of minutes later. There's a knock on the door.

35:08 And it is Bob Jordan here cuz I guess

35:13 And they're like to you did you apply to get into the Hawaii Lottery? Yes. Are you aware of a letter that your daughter wrote said? No, they handed him the letter dear Lottery People. My name is Emily. I'm 5 years old.

35:30 Fifth grade started crying all these big tough guys around him and they capture this and this little video that became up local news peace and and take

35:44 Emily died five days later

35:47 But she is still with us and every day. This was 16 years ago that she passed away. So Tennessee with now 16 Timothy her little brother Timothy just did his very first team in training event fundraising with Leukemia Lymphoma Society to raise money in memory of the sister. So she's very much alive in our family very much apart and I love telling stories about her and

36:19 But yeah how so Timothy obviously didn't really know her all. At all although he knows how important it was for her as an infant, but

36:30 How how is his life been impacted by the memory of his sister who he knows? He's not an only child even though he is an only child, so it's kind of an interesting.

36:43 I don't of burden is the right word, but it's definitely an interesting way to grow up. He is in a virtual only child that the fascinating concept. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and then he's watching you and Bob do so much part of the kids. You know, I was thinking was getting back with me. If it's not really giving back. It's really just trying to get rid of, you know, make zucchini disappear and all the energy that you're spending. So, how how is that impacting your whole life with Bob with so being involved with the Leukemia Lymphoma Society has been a great gift to our whole family. I I just signed up for my 25th event tonight since I'm doing my 25th of it, but aside from that we were able to tell stories and do something make something beautiful out of what has happened in.

37:43 Reaper Spirit of life people say Time Heals all wounds, but I don't think it's the time because people can choose not to heal no matter how long it takes but the stories, you know getting to share stories. I want to thank you how much I appreciate just want to tell you how much I appreciate you being here with you and I feel like I want to find out so much more about you and I just kept going, you know, probably one of your story you have such vivid memories. My goodness is how I mean, I'm really Amazed maybe many parents do but I think your memories are

38:27 Not visited most and you probably have hundreds and hundreds of more Vivid. I have so many but I just I want to hear more from you as well. And I just feel like that's where it's at. That's what it's all about. And the fact that you had this dream of having storycorps here. That is all the stories like healing is in the stories when people share the stories, that's when The Healing Place it's not about time because time is so different. It's not about a moment in time and it's like a bucket list. Okay. I'm going to check this off my list of things to do. I just healed from the loss of my child. It's not a check-off thing you can't

39:07 It's it keeps changing over time, but it's in the stories. It's in the sharing can go beyond because I I haven't even heard how you dealt with grief. I haven't even heard all and how how a live and lie still is in a lot of people would think 16 years and how we forget most of what happens to a 16 years ago even something as important as our wedding at what the details you remember every single detail of these events. I don't think I do remember the certain events, you know, there's like certain things that I can tell you that but there isn't like Bob and I were talking the other day about so many things. We don't remember you now, there's and it's okay, you know that we remember what we're supposed to but it is in the stories. It's in the sharing and especially, you know, if we can share from our heart that's

40:07 And you're very lucky that you had the family and the Blobfish support because out of this sadness is tragedy. If also your relationship had fallen apart us if you

40:21 Even even just from having less Thomas, even if it did Emily situation is never happened the very fact. Though.

40:31 Image of having such a good relationship right now. I'm so glad he's going I am so blessed. Thank you so much.