Stephanie Perron and Rory Caygill-Walsh

00:03 I'm Rory caygill-walsh. I'm 42 years old. Today is Sunday, August 30th 2020. I'm in Berkeley, California here with Stephanie Perron, and she's my person.

00:22 I'm Stephanie Perron. I'm 41 years old and it's Monday are the Oakland, California.

00:38 Let me read you what I wrote on Facebook.

00:51 Rory caygill-walsh and asked if you wanted to be my friend I had not run since eighth grade.

01:25 You are my person the one who jumps into Lake Tahoe in the middle of winter with me because I feel like I need a new beginning the one who always tells me even when I don't want to hear. It asks me hard questions and signs your voice last with me all the listings.

01:52 Tears it up on the Dance Floor creates rituals to honor our ancestors the moon and the love we have on this Earth remind me all our feelings are okay. Everything is to actually feel them prioritize yourself and so many hands and body gestures and always has that you love.

02:34 I like yams and family like you and wishing you a new year.

02:50 That's the sweetest.

02:56 You remember that moment when we met I don't know if you remember.

03:04 I remember the moment of food co-op when we realized when I realized who you were like, so I don't remember what I just remember that truck with the tiny and weird their entire life and that apparently things with the right time to ask you to be my friend.

03:43 But I definitely remember that sentiment because life was so full and I was in such a new place. And yeah, it wasn't it wasn't my intention wasn't actually building friendships moving to Ann Arbor, right? It was to be with my sister but

04:05 I was open to run thank God. I realized that you were the person that tiger told me loose had told her to look out for.

04:29 Kizi

04:31 They know they know.

04:34 FAFSA been cemented

04:37 Marie of how you got my oldest sister, Maggie

04:50 Was diagnosed with cervical cancer when she was.

04:55 25 years old and had

05:00 Several treatments Andrew missions and recurrences and I Was Young when she was diagnosed and must have been 18 cuz she's 7 years older than me.

05:15 And it was doing all sorts of.

05:19 Of living in life and hitchhiking across the country and studying herbal medicine study massage free and and I realized at one point that uses the most important. She was most important person in my life since I realized someone point that while cervical cancer which is the type of cancer. She had was generally not the most life-threatening that anything could happen at any time and my particularly kind of knew that since our mother died of breast cancer when she was

06:03 She was 45 I believe and that's why I decided that I was going to move to be with her and whenever Michigan where she was studying contemporary Mexican women's literature at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor doing a doctoral program. And you know, she said no no, no, don't don't don't you got so much stuff going on you're doing great work out there in Oakland whole community of people that you love and you're connected to and I don't want you to change your life for me.

06:42 And I was really clear that you know, I wanted to have at least one year with her while we were both healthy because no one knows what the future holds.

06:53 And

07:04 I moved onam like October 27th or sometime near the end of October.

07:13 Hey hun.

07:18 It was like the day I moved she had gotten a chest x-ray which was just a routine annual x-ray that she got because of, you know, her history of cancer was just like a a screening.

07:31 And they found a nodule that they haven't seen before in her lungs and and at this point she had been a never-ending I was I was literally moving to Ann Arbor to have fun with her and I just called her and said hey, you know, there's a jewel. It's really probably just like residual scarring from an ammonia you had but you know, we have to do a biopsy to be sure.

07:57 And so, you know, I want one of my first days there she went in for the biopsy and

08:11 And it was not natural.

08:16 It was a metastasis. That was a cancerous growth that signaled a new stage in a much more dangerous stage in her disease progression.

08:30 So

08:34 My time and within a few days quickly changed from

08:42 Planning on having

08:46 Hey year with my sister at least here with my sister while we're both happy healthy and young and doing all the things we love to do together to becoming her caregiver, which

09:03 I would have done regardless, but it was a real blessing that I made the decision completely.

09:13 Independently of of anything with with her active disease because I think she would have felt very guilty.

09:24 If I change my life and moved there because she was sick and needed help and she was much more able to receive.

09:35 Like my presents in my help because I've made the decision before knowing what was to come.

09:43 And

09:50 Yeah, I was like this like besides maybe the decision have kids hands down the best decision of my life.

09:57 So sad so quickly, you know, I know what I know what the process is to the lungs mean given like that was my mom's disease progression and you know having experience with other people's cancer. So I knew that she was dying, of course, I didn't know how long I would have with her but that was that was clear as soon as as soon as that was evident. I knew she was dying. So my time in Ann Arbor was definitely not about my orientation was not about building friendships. Certainly not in the moment that we met and

10:44 I'm so glad that you were there and

10:50 Ask to be my friend and not for a total asshole, but I told you the only way you can be my friend running with me cuz I'm not time for you. Otherwise.

11:02 Because you became an absolute integral part of the Journey of Maggie's last year-and-a-half and and her dying and were just like an amazing support for myself and my family through it all and have obviously continue to be one of the most important people in my life and

11:29 Seeing as you know, I removed myself for my community in the Bay Area which unit was very robust to be with her.

11:42 And that was before like I think I had a cell phone but like there are no smartphones. I definitely didn't text. You know, I did read some letters letters but but it wasn't like an email her like I was definitely not an internet person. I don't think I had a computer a computer if I stayed in touch with people, but that wasn't my focus, you know, and and I think and my family and I have in addition to magdi I have four other really amazing siblings who all spent various amounts of time in Ann Arbor during those last Almost 2 years with Maggie. So I had all this, you know, kind of built-in Community as well as the unending crises that pick had me really rooted there.

12:38 And so is amazing to have someone to lean on who wasn't as mired obviously were affected by Maggie's illness and her death and really profoundly but in different ways and my siblings and I were as she was someone that was kind of new in your life and so is amazing to be able to have you took to lean on until

13:00 How to grow up into build with during that time because you know, I would have been really really different in a much lonelier and much longer aftermath now that I have you in the Bay Area because none of my none of my people here while some of them that Maggie in different ways, none of them knew her like like you did, you know

13:23 Anna and it's really amazing cuz she continues to be

13:29 One of my most beloved humans that I've ever encountered, so to be able to

13:38 Talk about it with you and you know laugh cry.

13:43 And all the other things that's really amazing. So

13:55 I just graduated Antioch and I move to Ann Arbor Ann Arbor. My partner at the time was chronically ill and understand what's going on. And you know, he's not happy.

14:16 We had a few year, but I can remember feeling so lonely and really needing someone like you so I think I mean I didn't know anybody when I moved in and I saw you that we were supposed to be in each other. I mean the fact that I really I mean Maggie and I both believe that we were I was going there and we're going to like just kick up our heels and dance, you know, and we had a lot of great times but you know, like my point was like dude I'm going there because I will never regret having a year with you when you're healthy when we're both likes relatively unfettered, you know, I mean, obviously she wasn't

15:16 Oakland woman was in a committed relationship, but

15:23 Yeah, otherwise, you know they weren't kids are waiting jobs are mortgages or whatever holding us down. And so that I had those the universe that wasn't not necessarily my twenty-three-year-old listing. But yeah, and and and then just to have the like the kind of Scaffolding in our relationship of you know, some of the people that we are closest to being aware of the other like you know, Lewis was aware of me because tiger and I had dated for several years and I was aware of you because of Antioch and because of loose and you know, since I have to have their kind of you need to hook up with this person

16:16 But realizing that after we had already connected and that's that's like the moment. I remember those like my aha moment. We are in the aisles of the coop and

16:27 I feel like I must have been the Harbour area it wasn't produce and their what it was a refrigerated, you know, so I can really say I'm really feeling like I was like near the Harbour area and I was like, oh my God, like the Stephanie like a bill for didn't know but they didn't tell me that you worked at the co-op, you know, like I got that job on week one. I mean I was on it like I'm going to get a job was going to be like pull my weight loss in Ann Arbor.

16:55 Anna and paid paid me no some bills and Hamilton sheds and

17:02 And feels like oh my God, like I thought I was going to track you down, you know and like figure out how to make time to meet you in this like knew that you were already connected you would already like me to punch to run with me, I realize that this magical being wandering the the Isles with the person that I was instructed to not miss. So I need to meet during that time when there was so much grief is like the kind with celery

17:34 I honor your babies and they're open.

17:39 Open dude, I do but no I am I mean, I guess even then I was like you can come but otherwise it was such an honor to be like to know Maggie and I like having special jobs. Like I knew that my job wouldn't Maggie remember many time?

18:46 WIC office Esperanza's box of saints with maggot code for weed but it turns out it was just the title of a book.

19:04 Play listen listen, listen to the apartment and then I found a small wooden box and I opened it and you can't smoke up at the University of Michigan hospital.

19:24 I don't know food for we like I don't think we're walking out the door and I looked down and I saw that book and I was like

19:59 Yeah, and the food, I mean you brought endless food to the hospital for my siblings and I and Marcel. Yeah, and you guys felons really amazingly.

20:14 I remember the day before Maggie died. You called me.

20:36 You know their eyes open.

20:46 Free Bird

21:06 Wienerschnitzel

21:18 Yeah, it was just one thing. I was thinking it's not an arborist, but it's just like

21:35 When we were getting ready to do that when I was writing this morning I thought about

21:49 You know like that cuz I don't live where my family lives and I don't talk to them that much. I haven't had romantic Partnerships person. That's amazing. And you are my man. You are my family in your like a sibling, you know, my siblings have embraced you wholeheartedly like you are in the family. I know I really hope

22:48 How do you say?

22:52 How do you cook Maggi dress like?

23:12 Yeah, it's sad. That's a big question. I think I I think I have a like

23:20 Amor

23:23 I know like a connection to to loss and grief that spans.

23:29 All my decades, you know given that my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer when I was

23:37 4 years old for a 4 years old and died when I was eight and

23:43 And

23:46 And also Maggie in your many other losses.

23:52 I think that's just part of who I am and

24:00 And then my understanding of grief and grieving and loss continue to evolve but obviously it's very much shaped by those experiences.

24:13 I think that I

24:17 I just am aware of the fragility of life in a different way, but but also not willing to

24:27 Sacrifice taking risks are having Adventure be a big part of my life out of here. You know that I embrace kind of The Duality of those things.

24:42 And then you know, I would not be I would not be a nurse practitioner without I think without the experience of losing. My mom is particularly, you know being in and out of hospitals with Maggie for those last couple years and

25:05 That

25:08 You know that that kind of pasta of schooling and the work that I've chosen, I think definitely impacts who I am in the world and it is so much, you know to to them.

25:32 What about you? How did Maggie stuff change you?

25:37 I mean

25:41 I don't think I've ever been close to death in that way.

25:51 And the tablet

26:10 Great leaders.

26:30 I've never had anything like that in my life.

26:46 Remember her really big laugh about all these beautiful ornaments that I hang on my tree every year.

27:04 I don't know.

27:18 Having connections here at world. I don't think I'd ever thought about you.

27:32 I mean, I think you know about me.

27:41 You forget to have a relationship with somebody even after they're gone.

27:48 And I think you know exactly like

28:34 Define Maggie.

28:38 Thank God you were there?

29:04 You know, I think Maggie watches over.

29:08 Yeah, I guess I have to trust and faith in the world in some way. That way I'm protected.

29:32 And I mean I've been looking for these five believe that she's met Maggie.

29:40 When you came over you got it, you know and then you would let her at your house and she talked to Robert Tia Maggie everyday.

30:15 14 years before

30:21 Machining any time something new would come to the house with unscrew the lid and she said she would take out. I know she would want to

30:41 Yeah. Yeah. She's a part of our Lives daily.

30:51 I mean our childhoods were really different in a lot of ways in terms of contents that they think we were pretty solidly not cared for by the way and maybe have ended up in some pretty

31:13 Yeah, because we weren't very well, but you and I have it like that.

31:37 Really aquacycle there happens and from generation to generation. Yeah. Yeah. I think that you're an amazing model of that in the ways that you show up for your kids and make space for them.

32:06 I'm Blown Away by the care and gentleness and the like the focus like you've been focused and stay one on not shaming your kids and that repetitive reminder to me has been

32:30 So important cuz I think I don't even realize how critical I am of the people I'm close to, you know, and that's certainly comes across to my kids and that criticism can end up resulting in shame and just having that reminder from you has been so incredible and personally, I feel very hard on myself in terms of breaking Cycles. I mean, I know the Cycles are so different my kids or anything but neglected.

32:59 And they feel safe like expressing their feelings with me, which is amazing and so different then my childhood, but I think my challenge like what I found myself to do is just slow down and give him space.

33:17 To to feel you know that I think that was like the hardest.

33:22 The hardest part of my childhood was just not having permission to feel or not having a space to feel.

33:30 And I think it's been nothing I've had to work on most as an adult is allowing myself that that safety to slow down and feel so really be patient with my kids process is I think it's been like my growth area and continues to be

33:50 And I think the one of the main ways that I've worked on kind of breaking Cycles, you know.

33:58 And you can so much work last year and I like quality especially with your

34:18 You are crazy. It's just so much space for her.

34:24 I always feel that with you to like you always feeling and talk to you.

34:47 Set the thing about shame because I

35:18 I think my kids feel safe and secure and Waze says I never did.

35:29 They have you and they have expenditures and family and like

35:35 You know, maybe that's like one of the blessings of being clear right? Like it's not like we really isolated on Rock pond.

35:57 I feel really

35:59 Just so grateful and so lucky that we found each other.

36:07 And our kids lives, you know.

36:11 Yeah, the other day on the kids and I were eating dinner and we were talking, you know, cuz negative or something that's like the passwords to all my social media because if I ever die like there's some really good like tributes to you in life. We really want you all to have a party. You know, I'm celebrate me and then Frampton on like her favorite music or whatever.

37:00 Google big will do real big will celebrate everyday the whole year.

37:05 I love you, and we will we will but give you those passwords from it, but I'll get you a couple password to your own told and then I just I just realized like I'm thinking so much and talking too much about Maggie.

37:28 I think you know a guy I often times reflect on the dreams. We had you know, we we really believed that when we were older we were going to live together. You know, whether after Partners died of relationships ended like we just pictured ourselves as old women in a cottage like by the Sea together gardening hiking just spending time in nature and there is a Pablo Neruda poem that really, you know, it was one of her favorite poets that really kind of embodied this vision for us and I'll share the pain with you. I don't memorize but there is this piece about like planting lettuce has you know, and that was like a very tangible plan that we had was to plant lettuce has you know, and and I love that. You know, I've been planting lettuce is 4 years now and thinking of her but that this year you join me and have your amazing garden and that through this pandemic weaves.

38:26 Shared gardening tips and will continue to in our buying seeds together and you know you and I will certainly grow old together one way or another and I hope we continue planting lettuce and honoring Maggie in each other and our children. Our family is in the love we have for each other through all that.

38:47 Thank you. I love you forever.