Karen Monroy and Ashlee Hunsbedt

00:00 Hi, my name's Karen, Monroy. And I'm 60 years old. Today is Wednesday, June 16th, 2021. We are in central, New Jersey And my partner's name is Ashley Hunt, and Ashlee is my spirit daughter and to start our conversation today. I wanted to ask you about what got ability to work start at, and what inspired you to start the work.

00:36 So I have been thinking about what the world was like as I had experienced it through my son's eyes and Zachary has autism. He was going to be aging out of school and when he was going to be aging out of school. I recognize that there was really no life that he can have that had any kind of meaning to him or perhaps, to even other people. And I had done a lot of work over a decade's worth of work within the system of Health mental health, especially as it pertains to those who were, as we call them differently, abled, whether they had autism, or whether they had Down's or were intellectually disabled or anything like that. And I

01:36 You know, they were the most marginalized population in the world and I kept thinking about this book. That was a children's book that I used to read to Zachary's older brothers and it was where in the world is my place and it it just really haunted me that the answer was so he wasn't going to have a place. I mean while at and I my husband and I were alive that he would definitely have a place but after we died that was really, just a complete unknown. And so I thought well, I need to change the life that I'm living right now, obviously, at and I worked very closely together on this and put the foundation together for ability to work. And then for all the projects that ability to work was going to do in that. That's kind of how it all.

02:36 Started for so.

02:41 The ability to work, I started ability to work back in 2009, but we didn't really become public as a public newest until 2013 and that was when we opened grateful bites and November are so, do you remember how we first met at the beginning of this project was not in the community. My background was

03:19 Classically trained to The Culinary Institute of America. I was learning how to be a pastry chef. I was in the food world. And, you know, I had just graduated and life obviously, was not going the way that everyone thought it would go. When you graduate from culinary school and I had walked around from a few kitchens, and a few jobs that were really Cutthroat and such toxic environments. And so, you know, just not conducive to work-life balance or any sort of living or having a life and

03:55 I knew there had to be something more and they're really had to be a different way to live in the food world. And I had worked in the building. That was grateful base. When I was in high school. I was a different Bakery and I had worked with a woman who signed on, to be at front of house for you and she had recommended, you find me for the bakery. And what was interesting as I had come in and I had interviewed, and I wasn't really sure where I was a little tentative, a little worried. And I went back to the job. I was working and the job. I was working. As, you know, see, I graduated with my bachelor's in pastry. I was making sandwiches the height of your culinary.

04:55 I could do Michelin star level food, and I was making sandwiches for the public and I remember the people I worked for were also, you know, very toxic. And it wasn't a great work environment. And I remember I had turned down coming to work here because I was scared and I finally had like this break down and I was actually in the bathroom of the place. I was working in tears. Like, I can't do this anymore. I can't do this. And my phone goes and it was, it was you. And you were like, hey, we still haven't really found anyone who's a good fit for the bakery. Do you have any recommendations for, you know, other people? You may know from school and all that stuff and I was like, actually, I'm and do it and I remember I had it was still really scared. It was a different world. It wasn't something I was used to, and I remember the first phone call we had with you. I got us.

05:55 The phone and I was like, oh no, she's got her stuff together and like she was telling it how it is. There was no, there was none of that like beating around the bush. There was none of that a lot of times in The Culinary world. There's a lot of like false narratives of like over family. And my Cobra family really means like we're going to work you you know, 80 hours a week and you're going to die, but we're families. It was okay. And, and you were very much like look, I get it. The food World suck. Like, you got to put your big girl panties on and, and junk sore keeps buffering. Yeah. I definitely knew that you were afraid. I wasn't quite sure what you were afraid of at the time. And I think one of the things that I was just very conscious of was that it was

06:55 I knew that the spiritual truth that it was impossible to change the lives of all the differently-abled apprentices, and we called them or apprentices, because they're here learning their learning social skills, emotional skills, cognitive skills, not just a technical skills of self-care and how to do things in a kitchen, but they're really, you know, we're developing them into whole people, and, and I knew that it was impossible for anyone to be working with them. Who was also, you do not aware of how toxic their environment was and it was a very conscious thing. I did on my part to create an environment for everybody, whether they were entering from the food expertise perspective or whether they were entering from the therapeutic perspective that we would all be working together.

07:55 On, you know, there's the differently-abled can't have a place if the food people don't have a place in the food, people can't have a place. If it differently abled, you know, don't have a place and that, you know, a rising tide lifts all boats and that, that was really the core of our mission and how it started was doing. Things a very different way. And of course through the years that's presented a lot of different challenges, you know, when you think of the challenges of approaching what we've done differently, you know was what is like a big one that comes to mind for you.

08:38 I think really.

08:41 You know, you can't heal and help other people without healing and helping yourself. And there, you know, it was very clear from the beginning, my background in my life, Not only was, you know, the culinary industry, very toxic abusive but growing up was very toxic and abusive for me. And so I you know, I had I had said before that I knew there was something more to it and I was always drawn to helping other people. So coming on here. I really learned that you really had to clean up pretty fast. And you really had to start healing yourself because

09:20 Even though the differently-abled population might not have words to describe exactly what your behavior is, they understand it, and they feel the energy and they get it. And with a turnover rate that this industry has it was a very clear it attracts very broken people. It is just an industry where broken people go to find their home. And you know, there have been many people over the years that felt healed coming here and healing differently abled individuals, and then there was many people who, you know, self-selected out. And it was very clear that they weren't willing to you. No cleanup. And I knew, what I learned mostly is to Be an Effective therapists, you can't

10:10 You can't be struggling with your own internal like self-hatred and all these things to be able to help other people and I think

10:19 Everything that you learn the apprentices are learning as well and teaching them how to love themselves in. Turn helps. You learn how to love yourself and how

10:32 It creates an environment where, you know, everyone succeeds and you have this kind of community that support each other and even teaching them, emotional intelligence. Like there's this expectation that they can learn it. You know, this is an entire population of individuals who most of the world doesn't think has emotion. He's never going to love you were going to stand the world. He's never going to do any of these or it doesn't even have emotions like fried or want a pride in finding meaningful interactions and it Community you are or wanting seeking, you know, Community connections. And I ever I've noticed over the years of the number of different people, especially those

11:32 2, South selected out of this healing Journey. When you would say to them. Hey, the apprentices have to learn this too. And, you know, you you can't be the thing that holding them back cuz they already had this huge list of things that's holding them back their entire life, you know, it's not just their neurological processing, but it's, you know, what, the world thinks of them. And so on so forth. And it's like, you know, you choosing not to do this work, you know, you choosing to respond in anger or upset in circumstances where you're frustrated and there was no help, right? That doesn't fly an end, you know, and I just would be surprised sometimes at the various Chef to wear like yeah, I can't do it and I would think, well, I appreciate your honesty, but, you know,

12:32 And you know, I'm I wish you. Well. I hope that at some point, you learn to do this, this work in your life. And so many things that I have to to say, though is obviously women, we've been together for ten years now and

12:57 And you know, and I and I think to myself, you know,, you're such a different woman then then yeah, you you were back then and the whole Wonder of You becoming a different woman and being willing to be vulnerable and and just keep your heart in its, you know, I mean, this is a question. I wanted to ask you for a while is is when it's tempting to close your heart. How do you not

13:35 It is it's it's especially the past, you know, year has been incredibly hard for everyone referring to, it's the pan timechant Obed and basically the world at standstill and I think it's it's really easy to

13:57 Get lost in life, you know the world happening to you and it's really easy, you know, with all of the political turmoil and the world turmoil, you kind of want to turn your emotions off. You don't want to feel those things. I mean, I'm the prime example of watching the news and I cry like I feel everything super deeply and I think what would motivate me really is?

14:30 Showing that vulnerability and showing that emotion helps these individuals tenfold like, had I not had, I not healed. I mean, we have one of her just that, you know, comes from an environment. That's very similar to the environment that I grew up in and had I not done the work and opened my heart. I wouldn't be able to communicate with him in a way that he can understand the emotions. He feels, and he can work through those things. And I think on the bigger picture level,

15:04 You know, life would not be if I turn off my emotions, all the pain and all the heartache, and all the hard things that we go through. I would also miss out on all the happiness, and all the joy and fun. We are traveling, and milestones, we see and, you know, seeing in an apprentice face, the realization that they are whole their human. They are loved, they're worthy of love and they're worthy of having, you know, that joy in that.

15:40 Pride in themselves and feeling like a part of community. You just makes every day. Makes it totally worth it and like no matter what I did, no matter what I went through. You know, the joy I have in my life and the ability to truly, make an impact in someone's life, who had they been left to the real world? Never would have felt that way. They feel I think of one of our apprentices and when he first came to, remember, you know, who I'm talking about, used to run in the building and he had always falling asleep in the car and you run into the building, and he would find the sofa in the chillax room, and he would first clock in, but then he would run to the sofa and fall back asleep. And wouldn't you love to do that? He was morbidly obese.

16:40 Yeah, he was a tyrant in his home here and everything in the house, including his all his on a healthy and unhealthy nutritional habits adult self-care habit. So on and so forth. And and I when when he transitioned out of here to go work, full time, he was a completely different person, but his family also had the ability to transform and, you know, one of the things that I've noticed in working with families, was that is parallel to exactly our individual work, that families come up to that edge of. Okay, we're expecting our differently-abled child to transform and yet we're not changing, right? We're not healing. We're not doing the internal work. We need to do.

17:40 Set up a a coasterra putik environment. And then you know, when some areas it's a yes and you make progress and you know, it's two steps forwards and and and and one step back and I I see families takes it two different approaches to this journey as well. And even within our, you know, our own family, even within your, your spirit dad. I mean, it's been so nice. The last couple of years to watch him really Embrace and finally, Step Up This healing aspect of himself instead of feeling guilty because his son's autistic and instead of being angry or upset that, you know, he had a long day and and there were demands, you know, being made of him or put on him to, you know, occupy that new coach therapist rules at the requirements, you know, he cleaned up things, he said and

18:40 How we set them in and they approach he took because the approach needed was this is therapeutic, you know approach. And so I've I've seen so much pain for the better and at the same time I hold in balance of this. This constant thing of okay with all of this change for the better, you know, I don't recognize the individuals who are still here from who they were when they first started and there's this realization that that I'd I try to have every week before our staff meetings, where I remind myself, you know, a year ago or two years ago where this individual is showing up in their life today and how they're communicating and how they've established a relationship. Like two years ago. I would have said I wouldn't maybe stepped off that was possible.

19:38 And in this, this idea of no limits, no limitation, no excuses, that we aren't going to be the limitation and it is like, we just got back from our trip with them. We all went down to Cape May and would you have a sleepover a trip? No parents, no parents. And would you have thought of that. Would have been possible and that we would have had so much fun and it now years ago, even just two or three years ago. I would probably tell you, I feel like, wait, what you want us to do. What? What are you smoking and it's a testament to

20:29 What we've created and it's a testament to, you know, the road we firmly. Put both of our feet down onto and you know, what? No one is ever done learning. There's no such thing as yes, we fixed it. It's it's, you know, and I feel like every step we take, we learn something new. And we tweaked things, we make things better, but

21:02 Yeah, I just a lot of times I meant, I mean, even taking Zack, we we had fun Sunday and my text back to. Yes. I took that back and it was a rock scramble and even to three years ago, back in his confidence, in his body, and his balance, and his, you know, space and see things as very shaky and he was always very nervous. And I took him back and we did this rock scramble and I'm prepared for him to be like, oh no, I don't want to do this. This is scary and I'm like, okay, to give him the choice to follow me. Do you want to go first, you want to go side by side? And he's like, I follow you. And so, I took a few steps expecting, what I normally would be as him five or six steps behind me, and I turn around and face is right in front of me and I like, you're following me.

21:55 He's like, yeah, I got it and I'm like, okay and I take a few more steps. And again, it gets a little harder and I think I'm going to turn around and he's going to be behind and his face again is right in front of my face and you know, that even that little moment I'm like, he he couldn't have done that 2 years ago. You never thought would happen in your life. Like oh God. We're you were worried would never happen in your life. You know, I think the dearest a dream of mine was to be able to have him have a community, you know, the way us neurotypical individuals find a community and I got to see that, you know, when we took them to Cape May I got to see the challenges with them kayaking and you know, I I just I got to see, you know, Zach being one of them.

22:55 Constantly building this confident that he can go in the world and the end that is a good thing for him that it's just positive experience. And of course, I'm very aware that without the proper level of support. This just wouldn't be possible. So course behind the scenes of all of that. I just see arduous archetypal and you know, this this you're always battling the system that helps Supply some of the funding for their therapy and so are their support which we going to incorporate into the nonprofit in and what we're doing. But I I told you know, sometimes when I'm watching him do these things, I feel very rewarded that

23:55 I know less than 20 hours a week with the state of New Jersey DDD support coordination. The fiscal intermediary in this, what I call epic battle. That's what ruining for the bread, crumbs. And then you have to do it all over again to get their their budget, you know, re-approved. And I, you know, so so sometimes I see that sometimes I see that, okay, here's the reward. Here's the payoff, you know, sometimes I just have this sense of relief really that's almost Indescribable that the methodology that I've worked so hard on putting together for 15 plus years and it actually work that you engage people in a heart space and you invite them to join you.

24:55 And they say yes to the invitation and then they everyday said, Yes. Again, again, again, again, again, you know, it's, it's one of the things I say I think of where it's like, okay, you you know, the Angels just mess up your bed every single day. So you get to remake it all over again and have Andrea for commitment that she really wants it. Sometimes I'm just so full of gratitude that I have people like you who have said yes to the invitation. And I think a lot of times, you know, there's a mix of relief that the parental side. So I have like the therapeutic side. I have the administrative business side. I see things through and then I and then I have the therapist side or the pit, the parents. I really that I I see things through and, you know, it's apparent. You just you can't help but absolutely

25:55 Worried in a way that is almost unquantifiable. You know, I have two other sons and they got everything they need it. When they were growing up and they got to make have their own agency and and make those self-determining decisions about your things like where they want to go to school things. They wanted to do in life, you know what they're doing now. And they've had that possibility of co-creating, their life and without this support, you know, that just wouldn't be the case for Zachary. I mean, the, the model, the system, the very dysfunctional broken system that is used not just in our state, but in every state, you know, what is centered around and the goal is safe, clean occupied.

26:49 And I just don't know any human being who gets up in the morning and says, today my goal is to be safe and clean an occupied. Like it just doesn't make any sense. So this relief as a parent that what I am now seeing coming up through the future, and I think I'm trying to continue to co-create on these continuing. Higher levels is okay. Safe. Clean occupied doesn't ever have to be an option for him. He can be in this drive environment because there are wonderful, people like yourself who are going to say. Yeah, and, you know, the other individuals we have working with us as therapeutic support individual, you know, I know they're in a different category only because they're wonderful people. And who knows maybe in 10 years. I'll be thinking of them as Spirit daughters too, but I kind of, I kind of, don't think so, you know,

27:49 Cuz of how life goes. But, you know, there's this extra layer of Preston intimacy that, you know, we have consciously restructured, our family, so that it's you and me and Zack and your spirit that Ed and while, you know, we have other head and I have other children and you have other siblings and so on and so forth, you know, they all have lights that are going in different directions and we've just chosen to make this the direction we want to go in our life because it is so rewarding for all of us and it, it seems to be no. I just want to bring as many people as I can on this journey, you know, I don't know. I just don't want this for my son alone, for the other apprentices who are here, you know, I want it for them as well. I want it for their families as well. And, you know, right now I'm thinking

28:49 You know, maybe this is a group home is going to happen in ways that will allow other families to be satellite to the group home. So they're just like I would like to be with with Zak to have Zack be independent. But yet at the same time be near Enough by that, you know, they're not quote away away their away as much as they want to be a way of its their agencies at that. They're choosing to be away. And in order to be successful in that, you know, one of the things that just needs to happen is I'm despond of a trust that we have and I was thinking about this to like you were just recently doing some paperwork that obviously involved, a lot of crust. Do u, n n. And I was thinking about you ever think about it. You ever think about how much you you trust me?

29:49 How much I trust you how? I think the way I think about it in many ways is is kind of the story. You always told to help me understand that the mistake and zygote. Yeah, I was kind of placed.

30:07 And you know, a biological family place that I really didn't fit into. I never really never really made any sense. I, you know, I was always feeling like the out and in person and, you know, back to when we first met that first couple years, I felt that instant connection and I was like, oh, she understands me. She gets me. She she knows you know, who I really am inside and allowing me to be that person. And I don't I don't think I think about it in ways that I I try like I trust. It's just a feeling like I just know that I can wholeheartedly trust you and Ed and you know, obviously wholeheartedly dress that even though I'm annoying and all those things that normal sisters would be, but at the end of the day, I know no matter what happens.

30:57 Like, you guys will be there for me. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. That is an amen to that and I think that's a, you know, the reciprocal no matter what happens and, you know, of course that and I hope to live a long healthy life, but, you know, no matter what happens. We know, you'll be there for Zack to and I think what I've really tried to do with this with ability to work is keep it in that very meaningful. You're you're going to get as much as you put into this. So that everybody who is involved can be trusting that if they allow themselves to be part of this process, it is going to always continue to get better and better for everybody, right? Not just

31:58 Not just one person. And so it's this inherent Trust of life. That's kind of how I had come full circle to see it which is you know, this Pam that make your hair is a euro in a 2020 Ray and it's 2021 right now and we're still having to deal with the Delta strength and what's going to happen with that and in this crazy insecurity out there and I and in some ways like I I don't want anybody to think that I ever with this mess the suffering. I mean, my goodness, we just passed yesterday $600,000. That's covid-19. That's just, that's incredible heartbreaking. It's just it's heartbreaking for all those those families and yet, but I feel like we've been able to do for us is where so separate from

32:58 Suffering experience. Because, you know, again, this level of trust, we created with each other and our other apprentices in the family. So we all agreed, we were not going anywhere, you know, we agreed, we were going to have a designated Shopper. Really cared about each other and we, you know, really realized for the world is that this experience of covid of being isolated in your in your house and being cut off from people. It's a really good way to put yourself in the shoes of the differently-abled population of this country and the world. I know inclusion for them to have a community and I'm so grateful. We created this community.

33:57 Yeah, don't need to suffer that kind of thing. But I I really implore people to think about what it felt like this past year and realize that these differently-abled individuals, those with any sort of intellectual disability or developmental disability from the world and and are considered in society in the world. I realize people interact with them thinking that they don't, they don't understand, they don't feel those things. They feel like they're not being included and but in reality, like all of our work has to show that they have emotional depth that they understand they're not being included. Yeah, they completely. And while they might not have words to be able to communicate that and that's what they need to learn. As is, the concepts, really are absolutely.

34:57 Trust, we were able to have with each other in in covid so that we were able to really still operate any. We made different breakfast, or different hospitals. We created things for different nursing homes. And, and the right. Yes, and, you know, I just, I want to take with us for our future, you know, this continued benefit of our wonderful insular trusting embracing Community where we can truly be on and we can all grow together and at the same time of recognized for our Solstice just still more places out in the world. We want to keep reaching right to not to not stay Within.

35:57 Use the power rate of the within to continue to go out and out and out. And, you know, I'm I'm looking forward to this summer because we have a couple of more trips signed up for the apprentices. And you were going to be doing some wonderful art in the New York City museums. And we're going to go see the van Gogh immersive and I just can't wait to share that experience with a sound like Aunt, wait to share that experience with you and see what it touches other people when they see us out and about and they see how we interact with each other and how we interact with the apprentices. I know many times the places we've gone people come up to us afterwards and they're absolutely blown away. And, you know, being able to create that plant that seed in people's minds that Community can be created and you know, everyone deserves it.

36:57 And the other one deserves that that those relationships and everyone deserves to either choose their family. If they're, yes, you know, if they're family, doesn't creepy Soul relationship shallow or an operation, its really pleasing me. So, I like you is deep rather connection of like ice human in you and human in me loves being able to Namaste. I think that's a a wonderful place for me to say to you how much I appreciate you, how much I love you, how much I adore you and how grateful I am that you know, you're just Your Blessing Me by being my spirit daughter and I get to choose you.

37:57 I'm really thankful for.

38:03 No, sweetie. I never in my life. Did I think I would get to the place and never did. I think I could achieve all these things and teaching me and you know firmly but gently and shake me up with that. Come on. Get your shit together. Like you can do this you want what does happiness you want destroy and you know, I would have never known what?

38:34 What unconditional love?

38:38 I want to thank you for sharing this time with me today and telling the story and I am just so, so grateful for you. So, thank you for being here today and helping us tell the story. And who knows maybe the last kiss, again, in 10 years. We can't all the wild and crazy stories. Yes. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.